"Your all wondering why your here." Celestia said.
Everypony nodded.
"Well...Luna had a vision that Sombra is back for revenge, he wants you all to suffer and all of Equestria to be his." Celestia said.
"Did some pony have nightmares lately? If so step up now." Luna said.
Everypony and spike said no,except Twilight she nodded and stepped forward. She was now the center of attention.
"Hmm, Twilight Sparkle, you will get special protection." Luna declared.
"W-what? why princess?" Twilight ask.
"Sombra will feed off your fear in your sleep so you will have guards at night and day until further notice." Luna said.
"Ok princess." Twilight said.
Twilight didn't want to be watch 24 hour, she pretty much hated the idea someone at her door every minute.
"You all will be escorted to your rooms shortly to unpack. You all have one guard to watch over you. Oh and feel free to go where ever you like in Canterlot." Celestia said.
Everypony left to their rooms but Twilight stayed to talk to Princess Celestia.
"Umm Princess Celestia may I ask you something?" Twilight asked.
"You may."
"Could I borrow the crystal you got from the Empire? I really want to study it." Twilight said
"Of course." Celestia said.
Celestia walked over to the case holding the crystal. She used her magic to lift the case, then levitated the crystal and put the case back.
"Here you go my student." Celestia said as she levitated the crystal towards Twilight.
"Thank you princess." Twilight said as she used her magic to take the crystal.
Twilight trotted to her room but before she left Celestia yelled,"Remember not to power the crystal with negative thoughts!"
"Yes Princess!" Twilight said and continued to go to her room.
After a few minutes Twilight found her room there she found two guards at the outside of the door.
"Hello Ms. Sparkle would you like help with that?" One of them offered.
"Umm no thank you I got it." She said as she opened the door to her room.
"Please don't disturb me I really need to study something in private." She told the guards as she closed the doors.
"Ok let's see I got my paper to wright on, ink to wright on the paper, and feathers to use the ink to wright on the paper." She said.
"Okay let's start."
Twilight started to think positive. Then her horn started glow and a beam of pink magic hit the crystal and it shined bright with many colors.
"Wow that's bright." Twilight said
Twilight galloped towards the table to record her results. While she was wrighting a shadow crept in and swept over the crystal. The crystal stopped shing and turned black. It made a shadow towards Twilight.
"Hmm..." Twilight said. Then she looked back at the crystal, "W-what's happening."
The crystal's shadow grew dark crystals around Twilight, making a dome around her. She was now scared. She tried to use her magic to break out but nothing happened.
"HELP!!"
Then a small crystal pricked her.
"Ow!"
Then one of the guards came in. He tried his best to destroy the dark crystals but failed.
" Ms. Sparkle! Someone get the Princess she needs to destroy the crystals!"
The other guard ran to the throne room.
" Princess! Ms. Sparkle is surrounded by black crystals and we can't break them."
Princess Celestia's eyes widen, " Take me to her now." They both galloped towards her room.
Celestia charged her horn and blasted the crystals away. Twilight was standing there her eyes wide opening, she was shaking of what had happened, the room was spinning.
"Twilight are you alright?"
"Y-yes princess." Twilight said but the room started to spin then every thing turned black and then Twilight quickly fell to the ground.
"Twilight? Someone get a doctor!" Celestia said.
End of chapter 2
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_me5q2qarFn1rkzieto1_500.jpg
"You dawg, dis be King Somb'a in da hizzous!"
Okay, let me try to be a bit more helpful now.
i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll29/Lord_Talisman/mlfw5283-Fluffle_letsdothis_zps81d6c5cb.jpg
Title
Apart from being the most uninspired title I've seen besides "A New Pony in Ponyville," you missed two capitals. Every word of your title except "and" should be capitalized, both because that's how titles work, and because "Crystal Empire" and "Twilight Sparkle" are both proper names. Always capitalize proper names and titles.
Description
It's Sombra. Somra. With an R. It's the Spanish for "shadow."
"Goes for?" Really? That makes me think of someone who's really hungry and sees a bowl of chips. Is Sombra intending to dip Twilight in bean dip and crunch her up? Try something more sinister, like "stalks" or "hunts" or "will have his vengeance upon."
Past, not passed. "Passed" is past (lol) tense for "pass."
Twilight passed the door of nightmares. Once she did so, she had gotten past it.
Should be a comma after "nightmares" and "plans."
"Element of Magic" should be capitalized, as it is a title.
Comma.
dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw154_1304845597044.jpg
On to the actual story.
Double-space your paragraphs. Walls of text confuse Rainbow Dash.
Use italics for emphasis, rather than ROYAL CANTERLOCK VOICE! The latter makes it look like your characters are screaming at the top of their lungs.
Celestia isn't going to address a letter to "Dear my faithful student." It should be either "Dear Twilight" or "My faithful student." Either one is appropriate.
Ponyville. Capitalized. Silent E at the end.
There's a nifty little thing called "horizontal rules" that can make your scene breaks much cleaner. Just type in (hr) on its own line, replacing the parentheses () with brackets []. That produces this:
Cool, huh?
This is not how you set a scene unless you're writing a screenplay. Describe it. Tell is how it looks, sounds, feels, how Twilight feels.
See? Something like that.
Your biggest problem is your pacing and your descriptions. You went from "Twilight has nightmares" to everypony being in Canterlot and dropping a major bombshell about Luna in just over 500 words. That's absurdly fast. As a rule of thumb, each chapter should be at least 1,000 words in length, and 5,000+ is not uncommon.
Your descriptions are also lacking. Describe stuff! The only way we can envision it is if you paint us a picture. Describe the looks, sounds, smells; tell us how Twilight feels, how she reacts, what she thinks. Make it come to life.
Good luck, and keep writing!
i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1
Deep Pond, TWE's knight of Gak
1716283
Thank you! I'll fix the story right away.