Chapter One
Chapter One
"Sweetie! Sparkie!" Rarity called up the stairs to the shared bedroom of Sweetie and Sparkie, "Time to go! You don't want to be late on the first day!"
"Coming!" the two fillies replied simultaneously.
Two sets of hooves were heard hurriedly coming down the stairs. The door to Rarity’s workroom opened and Rarity saw the two near identical fillies out of the corner of her eye. In order to distinguish the two fillies, Sparkie wore her mane up in a tight bun while Sweetie kept hers down in the style she had always kept it in. Sparkie had a metallic pink saddlebag over her back and Sweetie had done the same with her light violet one.
“Your lunches are on the kitchen counter” Rarity said, refocusing her eyes on her work.
The twins, understanding Rarity needed quiet to finish a large order for next week, left the workroom without another word and headed into the kitchen. After grabbing their matching pink and purple lunch tins and placing them in their saddlebags with their copious amount of school supplies, the two fillies left the boutique and made their way to the schoolhouse.
“Good morning class, and welcome back!” Ms. Cheerilee greeted the entirety of her students as they sat restlessly, “We have a new student joining us this year. Why don’t you come up here and introduce yourself?”
Sparkie got out of her desk behind her sister and made her way up to the front of the classroom. As she walked, all the foals besides her friends and sister kept on shifting their gaze to the robotic filly and her sister, very curious about how similar their appearances were and if that had any indication that they might related.
“Hi, I’m Sparkie Belle.” the robotic filly introduced herself cheerily, “I’m Sweetie’s sister.”
The young filly then returned to her desk. The students wanted to ask her questions but they knew that this wasn’t the right time to ask.
“Alright, to kick off the school year,” Ms. Cheerilee started up again, “Over the next two weeks we’re going all going to write a paper on what we did over summer vacation.”
Ring! Ring
The recess bell rang and the schoolyard was full of playful foals in a matter of seconds. Among those were Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, Sparkie and Sweetie, the Cutie Mark Crusaders. They dashed and pranced around the schoolyard they enjoyed a friendly game of tag.
Sweetie Belle was “it” and chasing Scootaloo. She was within a foot of her pegasus friend. She reached her hoof out to tag her and-
Whomp!
She tripped over a tree root.
Sparkie, seeing her sister had fallen, ran to her side, as did the other crusaders.
"You okay, Sweetie?" the sentimental robot asked as she helped her sister to her hooves.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I just tripped, is all." her sister and best friend replied as she dusted some dirt off her knees.
"So how's are little infiltration bot doing?"
"She’s made great progress."
"Really?"
"Yes, she’s not only gained contact but also has gained a certain level of trust from the ponies."
"That’s wonderful! Our plan is far ahead of schedule!"
"Yes, if she keeps this up we can terminate the elements of harmony in just a few months."
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Oh no...
ಠ_ಠ
Dun dun dun!
This, ladies and gentlemen, is an example of a mediocre story. The very beginning part, before the first divider, was very good. After that, it quickly became unimaginative. There's no suspense. There's very little emotion. There's nothing to hold the reader's interest other than the premise. It's... boring. Tell us a story; don't just tell us what's happening. Paint a mental picture inside of our heads.
You also need to shoot for a higher word count. 1000-1500 words per chapter is generally considered the bare minimum for most stories.
At the moment, this story does not deserve a like or a dislike.
LOVE THIS STORY!!!!!
/
2159275 The word count, who cares. but really the only problem I have with this is that IT CAME OUT OF NOWHERE!
Far too rushed. Seriously, where was the beginning of this story anyhow? this is like the tenth chapter.
2335434 Actually, I've seen it done before. There are a few other Sweetie Bot fics here on this site. There's also Friendship is Witchcraft, an "abridged series" of videos, which is probably what inspired this.
2335457
Correct! I got the idea from Of Robots And Ponies: The Secret Story of Sweetie Bot, a fanfic set in the Friendship is Witchcraft universe.
2335457 Huh? that's not what I meant. I meant that the storyline came from nowhere.
There was no beginning, no buildup, no storyline development, no sister bonding...
Just-ACKTHEREISAROBOTDOUBLECHASINGSWEETIEBELLACKITSAYSSWEETIEISAROBOTOOFORGETTHEFACTTHATITISAROBOTWE'RESUDDENLYSISTERSNOBONDINGREQUIREDRARITYHASNOBRAINANDDOESN'TCARESUDDENLYWATERWEFINALLYFINDOUTWHICHONEISTHEROBOTDOCTORDOESN'TCAREIT'SAROBOTANDSOMEHOWKNOWSTECHNICALSTHINGSWITHNOEXPLANATIONSUDDENLYSISTERSINSCHOOL.
.....yeah. BTW If you want a great Sweetie bot fic, read Flesh and Blood by videogamepony.
2336373 I see. Now I see what you're getting at. It's pretty clear what the author was trying to do with that, but it didn't work.
And I have checked it out. I've been tracking it for some time. Too bad the author takes so long to update it. But then, I'm not one to talk...
2337141
I had some pretty wicked ideas for the story...
...but then I lost my notebook.
MAKE MOAR
2338956
...meaning that the 5/8/2013 deadline has been extended. Gotcha.
2724011
Me: Right about that! It's closer to evil *mmhan*
Unknown, unnamed evil being: Shh! Don't give it away!
ehem, still on hiatus?
*sips coffee*
You know, I'm somewhat glad this was canceled when it was. It reads like a plot summary from a kid who got bored of writing the actual story, it has a cliche evil corporation behind the robot... Granted, stories like The Iron Horse have taught me to never underestimate a story with a secretive evil group behind the robot. Buuuuut this one appears to be rather... standard. Something I've seen a million times.
Honestly, had it been completed, I likely would have just tossed it in my "dropped stories" bin a couple chapters into it anyway. No idea what your writing is like now, but YIKES at this old dinosaur. It baffles me that readers scream for "more" of something of this level of quality.