• Member Since 17th Mar, 2024
  • offline last seen Last Friday


A writer who wants to do better (read that last part in billy may's voice please)


SciTwi really screwed up. A human fell through one of her portals during Midnight's magical rampage; and now he's in a 7,000 foot free fall while slowing transforming into a horse. A lot to think about on the way down.

Doesn't help that this particular human/now pony is asocial, standoffish, zealous, borderline psychopathic, and in a state of violent mental frenzy. Not the best things to be when coming to a peaceful pastel pony world.

The only thing going for him is he wants to do better.

Will twilight and her friends try to reform such a being so antithetical to friendship? Give him the discord treatment and turn him to stone? Send him back and seal the portal?

Only time will tell. For now though, The amount of time our protagonist has to figure this out is exactly 12.32 seconds.

1st person narration is not only limited to that creature's knowledge, but will also take on their state of mind.
When in 3rd person, it is omniscient but will still sometimes take on a state of mind of a creature in the scene.

Want to test my writing with this one. Will try to write more and more challenging subjects as time goes on.
All criticism minus something that can only be seen as a nitpick will be appreciated.

Cover art by Mix-up

Chapters (11)
Comments ( 20 )

Dang, birth of a new villain. Interesting, I do wonder why so many MCs outside of anon are autistic.

Is Aiwhisper right? Does our protagonist really have autism?

Autism allows characters to start opposite friendship.
It's also probably what most people that post here have.

It's not very obvious in chapter 1 because of the constant state of strife, its high functioning autism. Much more like a single character trait then anything else.

Read the first three chapters and I am a bit confused with with was feels like massive time skips that prevent me from having a firm context of what is happening around Bright, I do like the premise, but I have trouble understanding what happen between chapters because of those same time skips. It could change with more chapter and a practice. Wish you good luck dude on your story.

I was just about to post
' Want to test my writing with this one. Will try to write more and more challenging subjects as time goes on.
All criticism minus something that can only be seen as a nitpick will be appreciated. '

At the end of every chapter in the authors notes.
Big oof.

I'll address that by adding some flavor text about how no progress of any sort has been made.
Or was it the lack of flavor text on his current situation?

(Reads description)
Sounds kind of like G5's Posey.

Uh... but more so.:twilightsheepish:

She's staid to a fault, quick to anger, possibly unstable and worst of all... has the luck of a two-leafed clover.

Nice to see another chapter. I think it was an improvement in a more clear flow of story and reflecting what they are thinking in the moment, through the narration. It would really help to know what happened in between chapter that lead the protagonist to the situation, or is any events happened that wasn't worth telling, but help add a sense of time that flowed between chapters. But what I think is mostly missing is context of the various characters, as in understanding who they are. What I mean is, while we all know who is Starlight Glimmer, Twilight Sparkle and the rest of the cast, with all the readers being bronies, but we don't know how the main character perceives them and what are his impression and opinion of them, along with communication how you want to interpret them in your story. Describing them physically and demeanor really also helps to solidify to the writers how they look like in their minds, to have a clearer picture of how they want to present them as to their readers.

I think the mystery and tension in the night/dream with Luna with the ambiance and fear you were communicating, very well executed, through I am not sure how he seems to know Luna, even analogous to Vice Principle Luna he could seems to recognize her with who she is given the situation.

For ponder himself, I think his awkwardness social setting and personality is pretty clear and you do a good job in making him a fully realized character in his pretty cold ridged perception of the world trying to make sense in a chaotic world that doesn't make sense in his perception of the world dude to his Autism, and his very pore social experience . It reminded me a lot of myself before I got into MLP and Fanfiction,, 'reading' fics really helped me open my eyes to other people's perspectives and to perceived the world as much more interesting and colorful that my muted emotional condition allowed me to experience until then, along with better understand people POV and behaviour which seemed just so random, selfish and arbitrary. It helped me to create 'links' people that I had a very hard time even relating to in the pass.

Keep it up.

But. uh, with like, good writing, right?

Sorry for taking so much time to comment I was busy.

The writing is flowing more naturally but you still have a tendency of not explaining why the character feel the way they feel, or their thought process, for example Twilight being "nervous": about what? I don't know is its Ponder himself, his body, his state of mind of , or how he slept. A lot of the time you tend to skip, or provide a incomplete explanation on their situation, and let the reader guess the rest, which from my observation the reader still need some level of guidance on what's going on. Explanation incomplete and rely on expecting the reader to remember what happened in the prier chapters, from my observations every new chapter need at least a little recap on the situation on what happened late time, through maybe in a different spin or POV, so that the reader is constantly reminded on the important points for one character or another to their relation with the protagonist.

Luna knew something was off. That was not the expected reaction.

What does that mean? his it about his response, his general apathy, what has she observed from him seeing him at a possible threat to Equestria and does at least lip service to the idea he can be redeemed or rehabilitated, after the crisis he did with his only presence. She is basically acting as arbiter for his fate on what will happen to him. As for Twilight, she is taking the mantel of case worker like a social worker trying to get Ponder to show his sincere good intention and that he won't abuse the powers that he can unleash. Luna is also the warden of dreams so she is intimately understands pony psychology, their subconscious, their instincts, their behavior, with centuries of experience to boot, without forgetting her deep knowledge in high magics. But even then, she isn't perfect, and she knows it, and she needs corroborating evidence on his case before making a unilateral decision that can't be undone once executed.

This said your writing is still overall pretty good, with a reasonable pacing and atmosphere, you can guess what is going on in the moment pretty well, it's just that you would need to go a little deeper into other characters thought process, when you switch POV to better understand their positions, and thought process.

Also if you want a very useful tool to review your own work, I would suggest you use a text to speech program, like Balabolka(yes it's totally free), you can have a more detached way analyzing your own work in who it will sound to your readers POV. You can adjust the speed you want and I use it all the time to listen to fanfic while I do art. Hope it helps.

I think I know where the disconnect was -
I was writing this like a script for animations like i used to do.
Not mlp related, but still.

It left a lot open to interpretation, and anything that wasn't crucial to the scene went unexplained.


Luna knew something was off. That was not the expected reaction.

Changed to

Luna knew something was off. Of all the reactions she had experienced in her long reign as princess of dreams, that was not an expected one.
Had she been gone too long? Was she loosing her touch?
Then again, this was literally an alien she was talking to.
She took a more guarded posture.


β€œ I do not blame you for the tragedies. β€œ
β€œ It is part of the reason I voted to equit you. β€œ

changed to

β€œ I do not blame you for the tragedies. β€œ
β€œ It is part of the reason I voted to equit you. β€œ She said, looking solemnly towards the moon.

I think a lot of it is also my background in software development and not wanting to repeat myself while typing.
Hopefully this is what your talking about?


Sorry for taking so much time to comment I was busy.

I don't remember you being on commission, so don't push yourself too hard.
That's an order soldier!

It's also the moral of the story from this chapter, and Kindness Restored if you count that.
I wouldn't want reviewing a written warning against burnout being the reason why someone had to take a brake.

I think that really helps to clarify things on Luna's POV, I just took it as a example of what I think was missing, as I find the characters motives and drives aren't really clear. Still I think what you added really helps. The issue I often see from beguine writers, they write like they would for writing the script for a video or movie, mostly leaner and visual which writing isn't bound to those same limitation, you can pause and rewind the time line to inject extra details and explanations that you can't in visual writing, that doesn't really interrupt the enjoyment.

I think I know where the disconnect was -
I was writing this like a script for animations like i used to do.

is it for animations for internet sites, or procedural node animation animations like in Blender or Houdini, or is it script writing for animation?

Script for either key frame animation, or similar to ones for the show.

You know, the ones that transform into a storyboard approved by said writers before being animated.
Looking back to chapter 2 and similar I'm surprised no one has called it reductionist yet.

La verdad me sorprende el tipo siga conciente luego de todo lo que paso, yo estarΓ­a desmayado al caer de gran altura

Los alicornios tienen una resistencia mejorada

Reread the last few chapters I missed, I think the story is flowing more easily in reflecting the characters thoughts, and a lot of ponder reflect a lot at how I used to think so rigidly and not picking up on social queues. For AJ's weariness toward Ponder can be somewhat understandable, but her open hostility is an other and it's obvious that their first encounter has colored all their subsequent that followed afterwards, without being willing to give him the benefit of a doubt; assigning bad intent from him at every corner. It reminds me of a lot of bad experience with a from my childhood and beyond just for being odd, the fandom and FimFiction has helped me a lot in better understanding people's behaviours over just expecting the worst of them all the time. At least Ponder and AJ eventually put on their big boy pants and managed to clear things up between them and lighten the mood between them even with Ponders limited social skills and AJ's dangerously jumping to conclusions about his responses. At times she seems to start understanding him, but they she starts to go off the rails and telling him that it's his fault for being and acting weird when he can't do much to help it.

I intentionally inserted the part with Applebloom to show that Aj was far from perfect
Also foreshadowing. If you read what she was trying to tell Applejack...

The pony he had directed the β€œ Thought β€œ towards was completely unharmed, now starring in shock directly at him, and PonderBright staring back at him. The staring contest quickly came to an end as the dark blue pony quickly ran off, almost slipping due to accelerating so quickly.

Did he just used Conqueror's Haki?:rainbowhuh:

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