Cutie Mark Avoidance Team

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Scootaloo receives some information about risks of getting a cutie mark. It turns out that having a cutie mark may be really dangerous. But the clever pegasus has a brand new strategy for her and her friends.Will it work out? Can the risk be really avoided?

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 8 )

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Pony-Berserker

Pony-Berserker #1 · Oct 7th, 2012 · · ·

Any feedback and critique in comments will be appreciated :

And if you favourite this story (by any chance), please remember to rate the story up as well.

Toraka

Toraka #2 · Oct 7th, 2012 · · ·

I favorited... without liking! Ha! Take that! In all seriousness though, indent double spaced paragraphs. That's about what I have to say.
If I have to name another thing, it feels rushed, like you could easily have made it twice as long. The idea behind it is rather original, I have to give you that. But, to get back to the critique, you could string all of those paragraphs together with just a few simple transitions in which you also include more description. What does the place they are in look like? Are there any special details to their looks? Include that even if it seems banal.

That way, you could avoid that feeling of one plot point following the other directly. I also think that certain points are repeated too often or at least too often in the same form. Also, the logic applied is occasionally a bit meh. I know it's a plot about fillies, but that doesn't mean they can't have some thought behind their actions.
Lastly, there are occasional terms that aren't really used in ponyfiction, like boyfriend. Ponify those.

This might look like a lot of critique, but those are all things that will get better through practice. I see some talent behind this, keep improving!

(Oh yeah, maybe this fic would profit from being made SoL instead of Comedy. That's all.)

Pony-Berserker

Pony-Berserker #3 · Oct 7th, 2012 · · ·

1401921 Thanks for your comment. I'm ok if you don't rate up.

About "rushing the plot". I kinda agree but I just wanted not to do it too long

In my next fics I will try to write more about surroundings.

ImRaidAccount

ImRaidAccount #4 · Oct 22nd, 2012 · · ·

An interesting twist I like it

Scribblestick

Scribblestick #5 · Oct 24th, 2012 · · ·

I thought the pacing at the beginning was a little quick, but other than that, I enjoyed it.

Sarcasmo

Sarcasmo #6 · Dec 14th, 2012 · · ·

To give my two cents:

I also think that the pacing of this story is way too fast. This probably stems from the fact that the story is pretty much entirely dialogue with an introductory sentence. Exposition can be placed within dialogue, but I think a story like this would greatly profit from more exposition between the lines of dialogue. Frankly, I think this story could use more exposition altogether, to really flesh out the characters motivations.

Secondly, while I like the general idea of the CMC to work against a cutie mark, I think the entire plot starts way too high. I think the comedic momentum would be much greater, if the CMC actually started out slowly, each of them realizing that one of their everyday activities, like brushing their teath, could earn them a cutie mark, so they avoid that particular activity, but continue on with their life as is. Then, the entire thing could get out of controle eventually leading them to avoid moving, blinking, or breathing in order not to get their cutie marks. The way the story currently is, it already starts with the CMC refusing to eat or go to the bathroom - there's just no way to really enhance that any further, so any more jokes on the subject after that feel more like a repeat.

I hope that this might have been helpful. Good luck in the future.

Pony-Berserker

Pony-Berserker #7 · Dec 14th, 2012 · · ·

1796791
Thanks for your opinion.
This is actually my favorite idea I had for a fan-fic, but it was also my second fan-fic - at the moment I'm thinking of rewriting it