What If Twilight Sparkle Died?
Author's Note
Before we start this thing, I just want to say that this story was inspired by this video: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=9mmmqQ1uAGI]
Enjoy!
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Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Rarity tumbled down a hill in the Everfree Forest. They were there on an important mission. A mission to defeat Nightmare Moon!
Applejack gripped aroot in her mouth to stop herself from falling. Then she saw her dear friend Twilight skid down and stop at the edge of the cliff. The purple unicorn gripped the edge with her front hooves.
Applejack let herself slide down the hill and she gripped Twilight's hooves in her hooves.
"Don't let me go, Applejack!" Twilight pleaded, eyes wide with terror.
"Ah won't, Ah promise." The orange earth pony said with a serious tone. But then the ground seemed to shift, and Applejack let go....
Twilight fell down the cliff with a shriek of utter terror. When the dust cleared, the purple unicorn's body lay motionless on the ground....
The remaining Mane 6 jumped down the cliff and inspected the corpse. She was cold to touch, and her life had been drained...
"Ah'm sorry.." Applejack said softly.
Suddenly, Princess Celestia herself appeared and gasped when she saw the unicorn laying unmoving.
"We're sorry, Princess.." Rarity sniffled.
The Princess held up a hoof. "No apologies needed. It was an a-a-accident."
Pinkie Pie did not laugh. Rainbow Dash stopped flying. Fluttershy's eyes widened. Applejack took off her hat. Princess Celestia folded her wings.
They all broke down and cried.
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ONE MONTH LATER
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Princess Celestia paced around her castle. Her life hadn't been the same without her faithful student. Her mane was filthy, and her coat not washed.
Memory after memory shot into her head, all of them involving Twilight Sparkle.
Twilight Sparkle rushed towards her teacher. Her purple eyes were glowing, and the Princess bent down to nuzzle her student.
Princess Celestia smiled as beautiful Twilight stood beside her in an elegant gown.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pinkie Pie's hair wasn't frizzy like she liked it. Her eyes filled with tears, and memories shot into her head.
Pinkie Pie bounced into the air and gasped. She dashed away.
Pinkie Pie nuzzled Twilight. "Stop frowning! Smile!"
Pinkie Pie laughed beside the purple unicorn.
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Rainbow Dash trembled up in Cloudsdale. She started to have a melt down as Twilight popped into her head.
Rainbow Dash got up out of the mud and chuckled. She helped her friend up.
Rainbow Dash's eyes watered and she laughed. Spike laughed. Twilight had such a silly mane!
"I bet you couldn't clear the clouds ten seconds flat!" Twilight challenged.
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Rarity lay weeping on her bed in her pajamas as Twilight Sparkle invaded her mind.
"Oh, my goodness! Your mane is a mess!" Rarity said sternly.
"Oh, Twilight! This saddle really fits you~" Rarity squealed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fluttershy was crying, and she kept ignoring her animal friends. Twilight Sparkle drifted into her mind...
Fluttershy looked away as her friend said hi the first time.
Flutters gushed over Spike, causing Twilight to sigh.
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Spike's green eyes watered and a tear slipped down his cheek.
Spike snickered at Twilight's mane.
The purple dragon bounced up and hugged the librarian.
Twilight tucked in her number one assistant.
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"Ah'mm sorry, Twilight..." Applejack cried as she looked out the window.
Applejack introduced the purple unicorn to her family.
The orange earth pony stuffed an apple fritter into Twi's mouth.
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Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Flutershy, Spike, and Princess Celestia went to Twilight's grave.
Applejack had sunflowers, Spike had tulips, Rainbow Dash had fire lilies, Fluttershy had daisies, Rarity had roses, Pinkie Pie had crysathamums, and Princess Celestia had yellow jessamines.
"Ah'm sorry for dropping you..." Applejack set down the sunflowers.
"You were the best student." Princess Celestia set down the jessamines.
"You always made me feel good." Rainbow Dash set down the fire lilies.
"I wish you could still come to my parties....you made them awesome!" Pinkie Pie set down the crysathamums.
"You were so good with my animals!" Fluttershy set down the daisies.
"You wee the best with the library." Spike set down the tulips.
"I was always grateful for you trying on my dresses." Rarity set down the roses.
"We love you, Twilight Sparkle." The gang said in unison. "We will always."
Suddenly, sme mist came out of the ground. It cleared...and there was Twilight's spirit! Her purple eyes were glowing with joy and she was crying.
"I love you, too, girls and Spike!" Twilight's spirit said.
"B-But Ah dropped you!" Applejack stammered.
"I know, Applejack, but it wasn't your fault." Twilight said and pulled them all into a group hug. She softly nuzzled each of her friends.
The Mane 6, Celestia, and Spike broke into tears of joy. They hugged, laughed, and Rainbow Dash even kissed Twilight-Spirit on the lips. Twilight seemed to have enjoyed the kiss.
Pinkie Pie gave the spirit a cupcake. "Here!"
"Aw! Thanks, Pinkie!" Twi squealed and took a bite. She quickly gobbled it down.
Princess Celestia bent down to nuzzle her student's spirit, and was happy to find Twilight nuzzling back.Tia wrapped her feathered wings around the spirit.
But Twilight pulled away. "I'm sorry, my time here is up." She hugged each of her friends, and her spirit vanished....
The Mane 6, Spike, and Celestia exchanged glances. But instead of crying, they smiled.
"Rest in peace, Twilight." Spike murmured. "Remember that we love you."
"Especially me!" Rainbow said. "And once I die, we'll be together for all eternity!"
Then, they group went back to their homes and fell asleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Twilight Sparkle floated around the empty streets of Ponyville. She heard the soft snores of sleeping ponies. But she floated on until she got to the library.Passing through the door, she went inside.
Books were scattered on the floor. Her horn glowed and one by one, each book was placed in its shelf. Twilight floated out of the library and into Rainbow's house.
She saw the cyan pegasus sleeping on her cloud bed. The purple unicorn chuckled softly and layed down next her dear friend.
Twilight wrapped her arm around Rainbow Dash and kissed her on the lips and vanished.
All was peaceful now.
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Really really fast. A chuckle here or there. Not long enough to cry over. I can't say I really enjoyed this. That, and it was just after their first meeting.
It's an interesting concept but I'm afraid it isn't executed well.
I'm sure they would be sad if Twilight died, but since they barely knew her in the first episode they would probably get over it semi-quickly. Yeah Celestia would be torn apart, but the others; not so much. Heck this idea could be stretched out further. What would their lives be like without her around? How does her death impact something like Trixie's appearance or even the Crusader's creation.
And finally the vexing question. How did they beat Nightmare Moon?
1402025
If at all? Unless Spike or Celestia, or heck even Nightmare Moon herself became the new Magic.
I ain't saying I don't like it but this story would of been a lot better if you expanded this chapter, I agree with>>1402047 on this, even though my own is kinda fast but I publish carry on chapters straight away, maybe you could do this with yours and show how the 'Mane 6' were affected and how the spirit helped them,
Not a hater huh? Don't worry, that's what I'm for.
The pacing of this story...jeezus man. It amazes me how some people attempt to write a sadfic in just over one thousand words. It boggles the mind. Tell me...how can you capture the emotion, the sadness, the utter tragedy of losing a loved one in only a thousand words? That's like if Shakespeare scribbled Romeo and Juliet on the inside of a restaurant napkin in thirty minutes. You want to make a reader cry? Then pour some actual time into it.
Second, there's a big (and I mean HUGE) problem with your story. This takes place right after Twilight Sparkle meets the others for the first time. Let me refresh your memory, since that was all the way back in (holy crap!) Season 1. Twilight didn't like the rest of the Mane 6 when she first met them. She was still an antisocial bookworm who was pissed became they threw her a party when she wanted to research. Not to mention no one listened to her when she said Nightmare Moon was coming. So I hardly think she was that attached to her friends at that point,and vice-versa. She'd only ever talked to each of them, like, twice before! But when she dies, they are practically wrought with sadness and guilt and...
Wait, what is this?
So Rainbow already has a crush that was...apparantly mutual.
That's it. I quit. No more for me.
And all was peaceful now.
With loathe,
~Schlippy, The Trainwreck Derpy....Blah blah blah.
i hate to say it, but this just didn't work. it's not that you're a bad writer. it just happened so quickly! for one thing, the time in which you placed these events was way wrong. the only people who would be so heartbroken would be Celestia and Spike. the others would be very upset, but not like this. it was written as if they had known Twilight all their lives, and they had shared so many of these memories, but as you surely know Twilight hadn't even spent a day in Ponyville at this time. if the events had taken place later in the mlp timeline, it might have worked out better. though, as Rarity would say, it was a valiant effort. this idea is very hard to work with, and to be honest, i probably wouldn't have taken on the challenge myself. though i wish for you to take my advice, i most certainly don't want to come off as harsh or rude. i do hope your future fanfics turn out better!
ahh quite interesting though i only skimmed through it but good none the less... any way a pic i would suggest is to screenshot that scene where AJ lets go of twilight
Well, I don't think I can say anything that hasn't already been said. The Mane six could barely be called friends at this point. They'd barely spent any time together, so their grief doesn't make much sense at this point. Also, what happened with Nightmare Moon?
Was this based off the YouTube video?
This is an interesting concept. It reminded me a lot of the Doctor Who episode Turn Left, in which we see what would have happened if The Doctor died years ago. Catastrophes that he failed to prevent stack up until finally, London is destroyed and British society collapses. I feel something similar could have been done here, with how Twilight's absence affects things like the Ursa's appearance in Boast Busters, or even Discord's return.
Unfortunately, the execution is poor. The pacing is faster than a damn bullet train, for a start. And you seemed to forget that the rest of the Mane 6 have only known Twilight by that point for a few hours, so her death, while still tragic, would unlikely have a profound effect on the rest of their lives. Think of it like the first survivor that dies in a zombie movie early in the film. Their fellow survivors grieve, but tend not to dwell on it unless they knew them before it started. Princess Celestia, granted, is likely to take it more personally, but, given she is over 1000 years old and likely to have had a number of students that have lived and died under her reign, I doubt it would drive her to manic depression. Also, where did she suddenly come from? Wasn't she imprisoned by Nightmare Moon?
In my opinion, a better place to see Twilight's untimely demise would be the hydra attack. That way, her friends have gotten to know her a lot better, and it solves the gaping plot hole of how her friends stopped Nightmare Moon without the sixth element of harmony.
Overall, a good concept, but let down by a rushed story and slightly OOC ponies. I think, if you put more thought into this and got an editor, this could be pretty good.
Nice concept, terrible execution.
What you've got is a story where Twilight Sparkle dies right after meeting the Mane 6 and everypony is devastated because of this. Yes, they would be devastated had somepony they had known for maybe a day or so died in front of them but they'd get over it really really quickly and easily. It was too fast, you rushed the payoff then have some sappy ending that just doesn't work.
I want you to think about your best friend in the world for a moment. Somebody that you've known and grown close to and would be devastated by their loss. Now, I want you to think back to the day you first met them, you're not friends yet and a couple hours after meeting them they die. How would you feel? You might feel bad and you might even go into a bit of a funk if they died in front of you but you wouldn't mourn them, put flowers on their grave and say you love them would you? Okay, Celestia and Spike I can understand, but the rest of the gang doesn't work.
And what's more Rainbow Dash and Twilight are in love? Just like that? Sorry, I don't buy it.
You have a chance here to create a whole new world where they don't defeat Nightmare moon, or Twilight isn't there to help Applejack with the harvest in Applebucking season and because of that Applejack works herself into exhaustion and must be put in the hospital? Or when Trixie shows up, there's nopony to challenge her and the Ursa Minor tears Ponyville apart? You could have done so much more with this but you go for the quick and dirty and with a bad payoff.
>Evil Homer - TWE's Tactical Tactless Nuke
ThisficwentbysofastIhardlycouldkeeptrackofwhatwasgoingonbeforeitended...
This... went by extremely fast. The characters almost seemed robotic, and there were quite a few plot holes. I'll number a few of these plot holes and explain why they don't make sense. Note that I'm not trying to offend you. It's just criticism. Take it as you will.
1: "Suddenly, Princess Celestia herself appeared and gasped when she saw the unicorn laying unmoving." -- How the hell did Celestia know Twilight was dead? Does she use the knowledge of the force or something?
2: ""I wish you could still come to my parties....you made them awesome!" Pinkie Pie set down the crysathamums." -- Twilight has been to a total of one Pinkie Pie party so far.
3: ""You were so good with my animals!" Fluttershy set down the daisies." -- Twilight never went near any of Fluttershy's animals in the first episode.
4: ""You always made me feel good." Rainbow Dash set down the fire lilies." -- Yet again, they've known Twilight for one day.
5: ""You were the best with the library." Spike set down the tulips." -- Let's ponder the fact that Twilight is, in the most definitive sense, Spike's mother. Yet, all he has to say is "You were the best with the library". It seems you weren't very emotionally invested in this story.
6: ""I was always grateful for you trying on my dresses." Rarity set down the roses." -- I know Rarity can be a bitch sometimes, but come on, at least make her bearable.
7: ""We love you, Twilight Sparkle." The gang said in unison. "We will always."" -- Only Spike and Celestia knew Twilight for more than 24 hours. Not to mention, you shouldn't make them say it in unison. It becomes very unbelievable and cliche if you do.
8: "Suddenly, some mist came out of the ground. It cleared...and there was Twilight's spirit!" -- All credibility dies with that sentence. In less than 1000 words, there's already a Twilight-Spirit that shows up. Slow. Down.
9: "They hugged, laughed, and Rainbow Dash even kissed Twilight-Spirit on the lips. Twilight seemed to have enjoyed the kiss." --
Why? Whyyy? WHHHYYYYY? If you're going to involve a romantic interest between Twilight and Rainbow Dash, at least add some sort of backstory as to why Rainbow likes Twilight.
10: ""Aw! Thanks, Pinkie!" Twi squealed and took a bite. She quickly gobbled it down." --
Since when do spirits eat?
11: "But Twilight pulled away. "I'm sorry, my time here is up." She hugged each of her friends, and her spirit vanished...." -- In one sentence, you have done what should have taken a paragraph or more.
12: "Twilight Sparkle floated around the empty streets of Ponyville." -- I'm fairly sure that's not how the afterlife works.
Okay. So now I'm going to ask you one of my biggest questions: Where the hell is Nightmare Moon? Did she win? Did the Elements somehow work without Twilight? Did she just fucking vanish? You went by too fast to explain these extremely important details.
Okay so here's my overall opinion on the story and what I think you can do to improve: You should have put a lot more time into this story. It's a great concept, and it could have been a real tear-jerker if you hadn't butchered it. If you went more slowly, and explained details, as well as informed the reader on how Twilight influenced the characters, this could have been a nice story. My suggestion is; scrap it. Drop this story and start over with the same concept. Spend more time and effort on it. If you need a proof reader, you know where to find me.
-Inspectah Dash, Train Wreck Explorers
Rated : Everyone!
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What happened to nightmare moon
And I hats lesbians
EPIK READING
Youtube Video By BronyMike
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Hello! Have a review. The setup, branching off into a what-if right in early S1, isn't a bad one, but sadly the execution is lacking. The pacing is extremely fast and too many unlikely things happen at once. The shipping is out-of-nowhere, too. Though what Pinkie does to that spirit is great.