Twilight's Flying!

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Twilight Sparkle often looks up at the sky and sees pegasi. They're everywhere! But Twilight is sad. She wants to fly! So, one day, she change's her life...or at least a day of her life.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 5 )

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Sgt. Pony Brony

Sgt. Pony Brony #1 · Sep 4th, 2012 · · ·

Okay, first of all, i know why not many people like this story. I am not here to make you feel bad, but to help.
Number one, the sentences are quite choppy. They all seem the same length and are quite monotonous.
Number two, add more detail and emotion into it. I know I'm not a good emotion writer myself, but this is something everyone needs to master.
Number three, everything seems to go by really fast. It's here and then a few seconds later, someone appears somewhere else. I think this is a major one.
Welp, that's all I have to say. Time to edit? I recommend it.

redactedandredacted

redactedandredacted #2 · Sep 4th, 2012 · · ·

Are you kidding me? Why don't people like this? It's brilliant! Sure, it reads like it was written by an 8 year old kid, but that's great! I thoroughly enjoyed this. Maybe you should go into children's literature. Just a few things:
Well actually just one thing - try and use less passive voice and more active. For example, don't say "she was surrounded by white light", say "white light surrounded her." It sounds nicer.

Brian Loves You

Brian Loves You #3 · Sep 4th, 2012 · · ·

I like the idea of the story, its just that the pacing is way to fast and needs a better plot.

Scribblestick

Scribblestick #4 · Sep 4th, 2012 · · ·

Review!

1) ....

Huh. I can usually come up with more general topics. Ah well. On to specifics!

-Twilight can't use the Element of Magic on her own (I'm assuming that's what the crown was), as seen in Episodes 1 and 2 of Season 2. Actually, the only time she ever uses it at all is as a last resort. Also, she's kind of acting like Rarity.

-Needlessly repetitive at some points. (Example: When the white light faded, Twilight still had her horn, but.......She had wings! "Twilight," Spike gasped. "You have wings!")

-The whole broken leg thing doesn't really go anywhere or even matter that much outside the one scene.

-I'm pretty sure the only pony who calls Twilight 'Twiley' is her brother. It was a little weird coming from other characters.

Yup, that's about it. Hope it helps!