Fairness in Our Town

Golden Tassel #1 · Nov 21st, 2023 · 5 · 1 ·

Wow. I'm not sure what I expected going into this story, but I definitely felt blindsided by how close this hit to all sorts of uncomfortably familiar feelings--inadequacy, jealousy, loneliness...

I like seeing a story about background ponies in/around Our Town like this--about feeling lost and just looking for somewhere to belong, for an escape from the pressure of being special. (And how the promises of Our Town don't really work out...)

Or at least that's what stuck out to me.

I also really like the way this is structured; unstuck in time, like Slaughterhouse Five or Fragments of a Hologram Rose--tying together DD's past pains with his present ones.

LotusFlarez

LotusFlarez #2 · Nov 23rd, 2023 · 3 · 1 ·

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Whoa, that really hit the void in my heart.. I mean it's really good I felt the hurt, isolation and general hopelessness that Double Diamond talked about. I was kind of hoping for there to be a happy epilogue but man, now I'm gonna be bummed for a while, Good Job!

Though I do wish there would be a happier sequel, I also understand that some works are just meant to be sad. But again, love this story!

SparklingTwilight

SparklingTwilight #3 · Nov 25th, 2023 · 4 · ·

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11756370
Thank you!

....I was kind of hoping for there to be a happy epilogue ...

The good news is that, in the show, in the aftermath of the Mane Six's arrival, matters probably improved for Double Diamond. If a related sequel/story ever comes about, I will try to let you know.

Clopfic Appreciator

Clopfic Appreciator #4 · Dec 4th, 2023 · · ·

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This is a story that earns those Dark and Drama tags. Some mighty good writing, too, with the appeal and the hollowness of Starlight's promise and of Our Town coming through very strongly. "Special equal massages", indeed.

Bicyclette

Bicyclette #5 · January 15th · 2 · ·

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The problem he admitted he had was, even though he had committed himself to the "Common Cause" of Cutie Mark Equality and had his individual cutie-mark skill effaced away by Starlight's shimmering magical rod so he could better live in harmony with his fellow ponies, he felt filthy when he performed certain required emotionally-involved equalization tasks.

oof, the contrast between the bloodless, clinical language and the implications of what the last phrase means is really chilling

Even though she wasn't his type, she was worthy of his attentions--not just in the generally equal sense that brought everypony in Our Town together, but because she was a great leader who deserved to fulfill her dreams.
Nopony other than Starlight--that glimmer of hope--could have saved so many lost souls. Not even Princess Celestia. Ponies still rotted because they failed to understand their cutie marks: because they failed to live up to the promise of their marks, because of scorn--a sin that wasn't present in Our Town because nopony had anything to live up to except supporting every other pony as they pursued their journey toward equality.

you are doing an excellent job putting me in the skin of someone truly deep in Starlight’s village cult here. it is chilling and feels all too true to life

He mustered courage and confessed his shortcomings at one of Starlight's group auditing sessions. Starlight smiled and encouraged him that he was doing fine--improving each encounter--and he was bringing joy to the town's many mares. Lasciviously, several mares had nodded. He'd shied away. At least he eventually also had rotations with the other stallions, which was a bit less awkward since with them he didn't need magical assistance to not feel spooked. Starlight was doing everything she could to bring the stallion/mare ratio up to equality but there were so few stallions to start with.

it feels like even more of an insidious twist that the “group auditing session” depicted here is so positive compared to the harrowing self-criticism one would expect in a typical cult story. and of course, taking the idea of equality to its “logical conclusion” resulting in enforced bisexuality is something that only true pony content can provide

They'd skied together and Double Diamond had helped him with technical aspects of an incisive newspaper piece about how mare judges rated mares higher in subjective downhill skiing events.

an extremely relevant issue for Double Diamond!

"My licorice-smeared lips collided with those of the giggling gentlecolt before me..." Written Script had kissed a Wonderbolt--one of Equestria's greatest stunt flyers. And he'd written about it. With his classic culinary references to all sorts of candies and flavorful vegetables that had made him a sworn enemy of Canterlot's number on food critic, Zesty Gourmand, and had resulted in a controversy that sold more papers than that time a photographer thought she captured the image of a mole on Princess Celestia's purportedly perfect white buttocks--it had turned out to be a fly.

i love every bit of this! it feels ripped directly from Equestria itself in a perfect way that very few other authors manage to pull off

Written Script had leaned back in bed, chuckling and referring to the far more overt and mature piece he'd penned for the overseas market that was much more open to details that would have gotten a work classified as a pornographic plot piece in Equestria.

hehe, “plot piece”. as always, love these bits of vocabulary

"How dare they allow wing assistance!" He'd thrown his skis against a weather-beaten wooden wall, scratching it more--although nopony would probably notice the damage. His skis probably took the worst of the beating.
"You knew the rules when you entered the event. And he wasn't flapping."
"Of course he was flapping."
Written Script shook his head. "He was gliding."

really makes you think about how athletic competitions work in a world where the population is split into three very distinct anatomies

"Unfair. Complete crud! I should have won."

as always, love how well thought-through the in-universe swearing is

"I'm interviewing him because he won, yes. And you lost. No one wants to read about a loser."

damn! well that about says it all for where this relationship is going

But, on the whole, there was no statistically significant maretriarchial conspiracy.

hehe, “maretriarchy” (wish i lived there)

"Like how your mark is more powerful than other skiers'?"
Double Diamond said nothing for a long time. Written Script filled the silence: "Why should any pony compete? Why try when another pony has a bespoke mark?"

just love how all this is coming together to make it make perfect sense how Double Diamond became so devoted to Starlight’s cult. i imagine all the other villagers must also have such backstories

He grunted again, kissed her on the cheek, dissembled some polite words and departed from her three-story house, strolling back to the one he had--identical and equal to Starlight's--except his had housemates. A mare on the first story, with doey eyes and a dyspeptic disposition. A mare on the second, who always patted his rear when he passed and sometimes, usually when drunk on berrywine, suggested they sneak some special massage time out of rotation. And his floor was the third.

love how this paragraph is such a good microcosm of Double Diamond’s predicament

Twenty-seven ponies resided in Our Town. Only four stallions besides him. And he didn't love them.

big oof

And so, although Double Diamond didn't break Starlight's rules when under supervision with mares, he broke them with this one stallion. Then he broke them with others.

the irony of this is so perfect

And he couldn't enjoy the sonnet Sunshine had written for him. Its rhyme was off. It was nothing like Written Script's soulful concoctions that Double Diamond had recited while skiing. He couldn't get them out of his head even after Written Script betrayed him and if they were going to fill his mind with pain, he never wanted to ski again.

love these details

"Sure, DD." He'd unknowingly used the same pet name Written Script had assigned. 'Intertwined, interlocking, II, Eye to eye, EE, diamonds dueling, DD.' One of Written Script's famous poetry bits went--a pet name enshrined in a popular poem.

love the poem

"My cutie mark suggested I should have powerful abilities, like Princess Celestia. Solar cutie mark and all."

ooh, very cool bit that makes so much sense! guessing Sunset let it get to her head and that Sunburst was under similar pressure! and given him burning out of the whole magic thing, ironically i could definitely see Sunburst as a good candidate for Starlight’s cult himself

But Our Town served a great purpose in helping ponies, like Sunshine. Nopony had ever left. Double Diamond had been Starlight's first follower. He couldn't be the first failure. He was already breaking some of her instructions. He was a bad pony for helping Sunshine violate the equality precepts. But he couldn't motivate himself to put Sunshine in the same position he suffered with mares. And he couldn't leave.

And when Starlight ascended, he, Double Diamond, would be renowned as the great stallion suitably and comfortably behind the mare--the one who helped it happen by relaxing her, by supporting her, by being the good caretaker. By being for her what he hadn't been for Written Script. He'd never been enough for the author. He couldn't be his sole muse for more than a few measly poems and a sonnet. Not even an epic story. A few articles. With Starlight, he'd be in the Book everyone studied--the fairest pony of them all who'd helped a great visionary bring equalization to Equestria. But those rewards were for later. Now, he continued to reflect on his options.

and augh, the mix of cognitive dissonance, ambition, guilt, sense of self-worth, all of that, paints such a wonderfully rich portrait here of this character. i wonder what it says about me that i find myself identifying with him pretty easily

The last stallion in our Town was a stentorian Earth Pony brutalist who had also memorized Starlight's Book and abided by all its precepts even when other ponies could see he was visibly disturbed by some actions it prescribed. The less said about him, the better.

very intriguing, this setup feels ripe for some sort of related reveal later

But, more likely than not, he wouldn't be. Double Diamond had seen him winking at Sugar Belle.

ooh, fun little detail here! would explain why Feather Bangs had such an interest in Sugar Belle in that one episode, if they shared this background

No pony to love unconditionally, although Starlight postulated the town could, when it was more established, raise a foal--"it takes a village, right?", she'd chortled.

that is so Starlight

"Double... I'm seeing someone else." The kiss ended with that. "I was attracted to his ardor, his passion, his performance. I'd say he has a certain je ne sais quoi, but I'm sure I can, when prompted, impart the necessary descriptive words. That is my job, after all." He winked, his heart beating fast.

dang this guy is a jerk! but i gotta hoof it to him, a true artiste

"It's fair," he whispered. "But it isn't everything I want..." He bit his lower lip and resolved to re-read Starlight's manifesto on equality. The answers were in her book. It explained how everything in Our Town was fair and how ponies were all the same deep inside and fairness was equality and it was good. He could trust the book's words. Because he had to. Since, in fairness, he didn't trust himself.

and a beautiful way to end it, wow.

just an absolute masterpiece of a character study. i love how the end of his relationship with Written Script is placed the climax, lending its strength to the impact of the final paragraphs as we finally get the full picture of who Double Diamond is and what led him there. just beautiful, haunting stuff

Thought Prism

Thought Prism #6 · January 15th · 2 · ·

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A really interesting little story exploring an aspect of Our Town I hadn't considered. Equality in intimacy certainly has a different level of issues involved than occupation or housing.

DezzarTac

DezzarTac #7 · January 15th · · ·

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Double Diamond had sighed. "Someday, you'll ascend like how Princes Cadance's great work led her to greatness."

DezzarTac

DezzarTac #8 · January 15th · · ·

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Actually, Double Diamond recalled, there was one more stallion. He was a new arrival and Double Diamond hadn't yet rotated with him. He didn't know much about the pony's character although he did know his name was Feather Bangs and he was an earth pony and he might be romantically acceptable. But, more likely than not, he wouldn't be. Double Diamond had seen him winking at Sugar Belle. Too often something like that was the case even though there was still a chance that Feather Banks might still be interested in and open to other opportunities. Possibilities kept being blocked off. Double Diamond often didn't even have a chance.

DezzarTac

DezzarTac #9 · January 15th · 1 · ·

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Since, in fairness, he didn't trust himself.

I admire the brusqueness of the final sentence.

Diamond had loving reciprocity once upon a time and that's valuable, right?
Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all?
No, that's bullshit; one steals what the other never had to lose.

Double Diamond particularly hates losing.

The story is well-written, and I don't like how it feels to read.
tangible, inadequate, vitriol, jealous, lonely, hate, envious, betrayed, lied, morose, tantrum, abandoned, undesired, weak, empty, ineffective
Despising
Distilled
Deceived
Discarded
Devious
Disgusted
Devoid
Depression

SparklingTwilight

SparklingTwilight #10 · January 16th · · ·

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11800334
Thank you. Fixed and improved! I much appreciate the second set of eyes!
11800335
Also fixed!

publiq

publiq #11 · January 17th · 1 · ·

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What do Squid Game, IRL communist societies, hippie communes, Starlight's village, and my own (relatively limited) personal experience in monastic environments have in common? In any community with enforced equality, there always exists an underground economy of favors, rule-breaking, and camaraderie. The other commenters have praised you on the feelings and relationship side. I'd like to congratulate you on your capture of the social dynamics that result when cheating on the spiritual diet is the only sensible solution.

Mockingbirb

Mockingbirb #12 · February 13th · · ·

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You know what it's like when there's this vast difference between a category we could call 'this is like what people are asking for or wanting or demanding when they say they want a shipfic' vs. the category of interesting and low triteness stories about relationships?

I think this story is interesting because it's about a lot. It plays with the relationships between romance or sex, and the society in which that happens. That's a theme I really like seeing handled with some thought, and I'm happy to see you write so well about it.

Recommended! 👍

Edited about 3/4 hour after posting to add: In a fimfic mail to SparklingTwilight, I called this story "an unflinching yet sensitive look at a dystopia or semi-dystopia," which I think is a fair take.

SparklingTwilight

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