Pumpkins

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A murderer goes around Ponyville, during Nightmare night season and is killing ponies also they are leaving pumpkins at the crime scene. Some pumpkins also left behind notes. Will the Mane 6 find who is behind this? Will the ponies be able to celebrate Nightmare Night without worrying about the killer?

It's also kinda based on the movie, The snowman, I never saw the movie but I know the main story.

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Reily

Reily #1 · Nov 3rd, 2023 · 3 · · Chapter 1 ·

Okay quite a few run-on sentences and editing mistakes. I think Google Docs might help somewhat. Plus don't just say "She felt tears running down her face" , say tears ran down her face.

Now tackling the story issues. Okay the detectives are investigating a crime scene. Are the detectives supposed to be the Mane 6 or are they randomly accessing the scene of the crime? If it's the latter, may Celestia herself have mercy on them. Especially poor dumb naive Fluttershy that doesn't understand bad ponies are a thing.

I have no reason to doubt Pinkie was sick at the time. If a forged doctor's note or something else was discovered at a later time then maybe I would doubt it.
Plus Pinkie was known to drink hot sauce in the opening episodes of Friendship is Magic. I wholeheartedly believe she would have a sandwich with hot sauce and she would be a sloppy eater.

A pumpkin is not a crime scene. Much less a jack-o-lantern which this one appeared to be. There are other restaurants in Ponyville than Sugarcube Corner though you know. Like the Café Hay. There's no reason to assume the murderer will strike there.

Everyone here spoke with delayed responses and seemed a little dramatic. With that context, what was unusual about what Pinkie said. There's literally no proof directly pointing at her.

Lastly don't just tell me things are happening, show me. Show me them being eager to see the innards. Plus if someone says it stinks, unless you have something to add; don't repeat yourself.

P.S For the love of cherries, please call blood what it is. Not just a red substance. And while I didn't say this last time, not everyone throws up at the sight of a corpse. It's just a little much.

Also please try to stop giving your characters "William Shatner syndrome" . They don't need to wait every few seconds to say a few word.

Hyper Star