errant
Joined 7th Feb, 2012 ·
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- Lighttone GryphonStar · 2k words · 44 27 · 1.3k views
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nice
11686412
Thank you!
Cute story, I like how you develop Scoots' characterization at the start. It's nice to see her aged up a little, matured, and FLYING! Yay Scoots!
(Why can't she just turn off magic, fall through the cloud, and then turn it back on again?)
Also, you might watch out for using the same (or almost same) phrase too many times in close proximity; to some ponies that sticks out like a sore hoof.
This was pretty good
Nice story! An incidental ship, perhaps, but one that makes sense on many levels. Rumble, as a young stallion, is a complete blank slate, and underused for a character, beyond him being a mere boy-toy for his older brother. Nice to see Rumble used as a lover to a mare for once!
11686868
Perhaps some light reading, eh? Cool to find you here!
11686868
Thank you! Scootaloo is still too inexperienced with her pegasus magic to really have control over it, hence it briefly shutting off on her because she was too tired to remember to keep it going.
I will give the story another edit to look for repetitiveness - I did one run to fix spelling and grammar but I might have missed a few awkward spots.
11686954
Thank you!
11686958
Thanks! That's always my favorite part of writing background ponies, being able to give them a little bit of personality of their own.
11686958
sure, you never know where you'll find me. not like i have sumpin to do, like work on this week's chapter due out... [checks date] ...today!
Hoping to see another chapter or sequel story
Engaging story, cute, and a good read. Young love is always nice, as is passionate first times and uncontrolled lust. I'd enjoy a sequel.
There was a bit of reptition which was starkly noticeable ("she couldn't believe" and "his muscles rippled" come to mind), and stating certain things they're feeling rather than being more subtle was a tad too heavy-handed, but this didn't stop me enjoying the story.
All-in-all, very good, keep writing this sort of thing.
11723023
Thank you!
I will have to make a mental note to look out for repetitious phrasing when proofreading, not just spelling or grammar. I know it can be a bad habit of mine, along with an excessive use of commas at times.