• Member Since 27th Jun, 2014
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

LegionofPony


I write commissions and sometimes write stuff I come up with too. Nuff said.

Comments ( 53 )

Awesome story, but it is marked incomplete

10103662
Glad you liked it, and thanks for pointing that out!

10103669
Also, is there a chance of a midqual? Showing how their parents react to what happened and Scootaloo being Pregnant

Rumble is best Colt.

I notice an incomplete tag, either it's a mistake or there will be an epilogue.

If it's not a mistake then I await the continuation. As usual, your writing feels very natural and lifelike. Loved It!

10103676
Don't think one is needed. I considered that being included while writing, but this seemed really well self-contained as is.


10103683
Nope, this is completed, just forgot to switch the status over. Thanks, I try really hard to make my characters as believable and loyal to the show as possible.

"Yeah, yeah, we can talk more later. For now, bed. Cock in me. Now/i]." Scoots said bluntly, spreading her legs a bit more, tail still flagged up and displaying her now-wetter, glistening nether as she headed to her bedroom, Rumble in tow.

You missed the beginning bracket. Turn the rest of the text italics.

Haven't gotten to read this yet (I'm waiting for the deadline to give everyone a fair chance), but I love the dozens of tags you put in there :rainbowlaugh:

10103750
Well, that's encouraging that you like my excessive tagging. Hope you like the story when you do read it!

You have a Fitzgerald style of writing. A lot of comma usage and that was unique

Bro... Holy hell. Dude I'm rooting for you in the contest.

10103775
Not sure if you mean that as a good thing, but thanks I think?


10103815
Thanks!

Why is it that every single clopfic on this site now has to end in impregnation?

10103883
Because it's muh fetish...and apparently others' too.

10103883
Its a fad also unicorns are the one withholding contraception spells that could stop this

10103775
I was trying to decide whether or not i wanted to read this, that is until i read your comment. I probably never would have discovered such an interesting writing style had you not mentioned it.
Thank you. This was a pleasant read that I might have otherwise missed out on.

It was enjoyable to read i suppose i should continue writing myself ha ha

Thank you this was delightful, and very well writen, and wonderfully balanced, with just enough build up to make the characters interesting and relatable. And the clop was smooth and enjoyable, not the robotic : insert tab (a) into slot (b) that so many authors deem good enough.

Great story thumbs up!

Nicely done!

I respect your choice of writing, but it could be interesting how their families would react that Scoot's pregnant and how the offspring would like, don't you think?

10104085
Don't mention it! I just saw a pattern and .made a comparison. If you think this style is unique, I recommend Ernest Hemingway's style. Long and short, Hemingway's style is a LOT of periods. Used in ways that defy period usage.

10104275
I'm quite familiar with Hemingway. Pretty sure I still have a copy of "The old man and the sea" gathering dust somewhere. Not to mention my eyes greedily devour his short works whenever I come across them.
P.S. if you enjoy Hemingway you might find Louis Lamour a good read.

10104296
Never heard of Lamour. How does he write?

10104302
If he has a unique style I've become blind to it by now. His work generally has the same adventurous setting as Hemingway's. Check out "off the mangrove coast" if your interested, it's a collection of Lamour's short stories.

and I can't exactly waltz into a store and just buy some. My parents would have a fit, and I know yours would too if they ever found out!

So there's something to diminish pheromones and fluid release, but nothing to deal with the actual 'burning'? That seems...off. Besides, it shouldn't be that weird for a teenage filly to ask for what are essentially contraceptive pills.

I mean, what, there's no non-sexual relief for mares in heat whatsoever? They have to rely on either actual cock (and thus risk pregnancy) or toys (which aren't as effective as actual cock)? In a society as developed as Equestria's (not purely medieval - they've got what we would consider cities and machinery), I very much doubt that, especially if there's actually more mares than stallions. One thing that's essentially guaranteed for modern(ish) societies to have is birth control, and not just condoms (which can be rather easily broken or sabotaged, and are only for males), but something the females can take, especially if they experience a painful drive to mate.

A "painful drive to mate" and pregnancy as a result of having to rely on actual cock just aren't conducive to a mare's working life; not having heat and birth control can harm the nation's economy. So not only would these be things mares would want invented as soon as possible, but they're things Equestria as a whole would want too.

10104604
Well, those things do exist in that society, but Scoots just wanted to be fucked and her mind was foggy from her heat. As said in the description, teen hormones don't lead to the best decisions. I was originally gonna write more than this, about Scoots hiding the fact she was pregnant as long as she could until she started showing, then her and Rumble deciding to keep the foal given they were considered mature enough to make that decision in pony society (they have their marks), but the ending I wrote just seemed like the perfect beat to end it on for me.

So yes, contraception past condoms do exist in my universe, but Scoots just wanted the D, and they later decided they were mature enough to raise a foal together. Plus I just really wanted an end scene with peggy Scoots. :scootangel:

"Of course, teenage hormones don't always lead to the best choices being made in the heat of the moment..."

consensual foalcon between a filly and a colt

I wouldn't call two teenagers losing their virginity to each-other "foalcon".

10104727
Please define what foalcon is for you then, cuz everyone seems to have a different opinion.

10104745
Two teenagers having sex is normal and natural. But if we're not talking about teenagers, if we're talking about children: That's foalcon.

10104775
For me, foals are anything under full physically-grown mares or stallions, including teens/adolescents. Basically, 'foal' is synonymous with 'child'.

For fuck sake, Rumble. She made you dinner, sucked your dick, and then rode you all night long. How have you not asked her to marry you yet?

Also, Scoots' aunts let Rumble over while they were leaving for the weekend and completely aware that she was in estrus. Either they're horrifically negligent or they knew exactly what they were doing.:duck:

Cute story, nice work! :scootangel:

10105250

"For me, foals are anything under full physically-grown mares or stallions, including teens/adolescents."

That could well describe the Mane 6, they're probably in their teens and twenties. AJ and Pinkie might not even be in their later teens, seeing as they live with their families.

10105524
Could be, if that's how you view it.

10105374
Well, they may be married, if you want them to be. I just didn't mention if they were or not, so what happened between the third and last sections is up for interpretation.

As for that other comment, I actually didn't think about that, and the implications weren't intended like that. So, I changed it to Scoots keeping her aunts unaware of her heat by raiding their supply of heat suppressants without their knowledge. :3

10105488
Thanks, and, if you're the same PonyPron who drew the images that inspired this story, thanks for such great, inspirational art!

10105524
AJ lives on her family farm, where she does half the work in operating the whole thing. Maybe if her parents were alive then she would've moved out by the time of the show, but instead she's needed. I don't think she could ever move out without other family members being willing and able to pick up the slack.
Pinkie lives with her employer, not her family.

10105593
I'm not saying that AJ and Pinkie are necessarily in their earlier teens. I just think they could be.

And yes, AJ and Pinkie work. That's not surprising: Teenagers used to be expected to do that. Teenagers used to be young adults, now people in their twenties are overgrown children.

10105593
Yeah, those are good points.

10105607
My point is that AJ living on the family property says nothing about her age. (What does say something is her job as a teacher in Twilight's school; that's not a job for a teen, even if she's untrained and the school unaccredited).
And that Pinkie not only has a job and has moved out of the family home, but that she moved to an entirely different town. She's living as independently as any adult (and moreso than many). (And of course, she was also a teacher at Twilight's school.

All the evidence I can see points to the mane 6 as being young adults.

10105679

"All the evidence I can see points to the mane 6 as being young adults."

I agree, the Mane 6 are young adults. But as I said: Teenagers used to be young adults, not big children.

I have some more thoughts, but we should probably take this to PM.

10103883
Truly, the happy times have arrived.
Also, don't be overdramatic

What would happen if a dragon and a griffin had non-stop sex?

10106744
Possibly a baby griffin with a dragon's hind legs, eyes, and tail, and that was super random

10106855
But without the pregnancy?

10106941
Well, the female would likely lay eggs after a couple weeks/months of carrying them, so mostly?

10103883
By the way she's smiling, I'd say your avatar agrees with you. ^.^

10118312
Oops. IDK how I managed to post that without the ">>[number]" part of that comment, but I was repying to Isseus.

Hey there! Thanks for submitting this story to my foalcon contest. Unfortunately, it was not a winning entry, and I've posted a detailed review below based on my criteria.


Style 10/10
Characterization 4/10
Scootaloo's vocabulary seems very out of character for her. I just can't imagine her saying 'Babe'.
Creativity 8/10
The pairing and situation were very generic and little was done with it.
Writing 8/10
See below.
Sex Scene 5/20
Cutting the middle of the sex scene in half with a line break where they go upstairs is a really strange, and frankly incredibly frustrating decision. You took the well set-up pacing and chopped it with an axe.
Exposition 10/20
A little rushed and full of unnecessary hangups. Did we need to know how Rumble carried the food to the coffee table?
I enjoyed the nervous confrontation at the front door. Really puts Rumble on the spot.
Climax 20/20
Total Score 68/100
As I said above, this is a potentially really good fic with some very questionable choices. That break in the middle of the sex scene is far and above the worst of them.

Login or register to comment