A little fun

Rarity went to visit Applejack to escort Applejack's little sister Apple Bloom back home. Back at the Carousel Boutique, Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo made a huge mess of the place after trying to be "Cutie Mark Crusaders Ninjas". Being a ninja pony is just not their special talent. Rarity already dropped Scootaloo off home, and now Rarity would visit Applejack to return Apple Bloom home.

"Thanks Rarity!" Apple Bloom said to Rarity.

"Alright Apple Bloom, it's bedtime now." Applejack said. "Now go on and skidaddle on to bed, ya hear?"

Apple Bloom went to her bedroom. Applejack turned her attention to Rarity.

"Thanks fer takin' care of mah sister fer the day." Applejack said. "With Big Mac and Granny Smith gone to Appleloosa to see relatives, ah had to take care of everything 'round here. Ahm just glad ah didn't hav'ta have Apple Bloom at the Apple Stands with me again."

"Of course, dear." Rarity said. "I'm just glad Sweetie Belle was able to play with Apple Bloom. They did cause a huge mess pretending to be ninjas, but at least I was able to get the dress done."

Rarity let out a sigh of relief and fatigue.

"Pardon me, but do you have anything for me to drink?" Rarity said. "I never really had much of a chance to get something to drink."

"Uhh...sure." Applejack said. "Come on in. Ah got something."

Rarity walked in. Even though she was afraid of getting dirty, at least the house portion was clean enough. Applejack was looking in her larder for a beverage. There was no known beverage to be seen. She completely forgot to milk the cows today. She could get water from the rain barrel, but knowing Rarity's fear of anything "dirty", she disregarded that option completely.

Then there was the hard cider. Still unopened.

"Uhh, Rarity..." Applejack said. "Ah only got some hard cider."

"Oh that'll work." Rarity said.

Rarity accepting booze? That felt somewhat odd to Applejack, knowing Rarity was usually the last pony to do something "uncouth". She might as well have some herself, she thought. She carried the bottle of hard cider with her mouth, and balanced two mugs on her back and head, and headed to the tables, where Rarity was at.

Rarity levitated the mugs and the bottle off of Applejack, and proceeded to pour the cider onto one of the mugs. Applejack took the bottle and poured herself some as well.

"Uhh...you're not gonna be a neat-freak on me like the time we had a sleepover at Twilight's, are ya?" Applejack asked, still unsure about the...incident.

"Well, knowing you, I suppose there's nothing much I can really do..." Rarity said.

"Gee, will ya at least be grateful?" Applejack said, chuckling a bit.

The two ponies would begin to indulge in their alcohol. Applejack and Rarity both started to feel slightly dizzy from the alcohol. Both had also developed slightly reddish faces. They were not yet quite drunk, but they were indeed feeling something from the alcohol they just drank.

"Ya know..." Applejack said, slightly slurred. "Ah sometimes wondered what it'd be like if ah stayed back in Manehattan. Ah'd probably been prissy just like ya..."

"Oh quiet you," Rarity said, also in a less-than-ladylike fashion. "You've seen me slug that nasty old manticore with my own hooves. A lady isn't always passive, as it were,"

"Pass me the bottle," Applejack said.

The two ponies continued to drink the hard liquor. At this point they were indeed beginning to be very drunk. Applejack was barely able to keep steady at this point. Rarity too was acting very much less than ladylike. Both were feeling a strange combination of giddy and headache.

"W-wait..." Applejack said, stuttering a bit. "Don'ta have t-ta get back to the...your house?"

"Oh now c-c'mon Applejack~" Rarity responded, barely able to make coherent words. "I can go home tommorrow, as it w-were..."

"C'mon s-sugarcube..." Applejack stammered. "Ah think y'all had enough."

"At the Gala...all the royals~" Rarity sang. She was drunk. She was not as resilient to alcohol as Applejack.

Applejack proceeded to carry the drunk mare to a spare room. Meanwhile Rarity continued to sing a random, yet familiar song, from a while back.

They will meet fair rarity~

They will see that I'm just as regal at the Gala~

Applejack carried her up a flight of stairs, directing Rarity's hooves to the best of her abilities, despite being drunk herself. Slowly the two intoxicated mares ascended the stairs. Meanwhile Rarity continued to sing her little song, only to be interrupted by gags.

I will find him, my Prince charming...

And how gallant he will be~

Applejack helped Rarity to a spare bed in the spare room upstairs. Rarity simply sprawled throughout the bed, causing her mane to become extremely messy. Applejack never thought she'd see the day. Rarity messing up her own mane. Rarity did that once more before, but the messy mane ruse was simply a distraction. Besides, Applejack actually saw this happen in front of her own eyes. It was slightly entertaining to see.

"Rarity, y'all need some rest." Applejack said.

"Shadap and kiss me~" Rarity said, giggling. "It's rude to keep a lady waiting~"

"Uhh...'scuse me?" a dumbfounded Applejack asked.

The marshmallow mare began to pin down Applejack onto the floor, and began to make out with Applejack. Applejack was caught completely off guard by this new turn of events. Their mouths locked rather sloppily, leaving a huge mess of spit on Applejack's face.

And she thought "AH" was the one with the messiness problem...

She continued to make out with the drunk mare, as they caressed each other. They hastily dragged themselves onto the bed, as they continued to show lust for each other, slowly letting out moans.

And then...

"Will both a y'all just BE QUIET?!" Apple Bloom yelled.

Suddenly the two mares looked towards the door. Apple Bloom interrupted their lovemaking. Apple Bloom, for once, was being a good little filly and got some sleep. Or at least tried to. Embarrased, both Applejack and Rarity shuffled away from each other.

"Both a y'all have been makin so much noise!" Apple Bloom said.

"Uhh...sorry 'bout that Apple Bloom," Applejack said. "Uhh...go on ahead and get back to sleep."

Apple Bloom, annoyed, went back to her room, grumbling.

After some awkward silence, Rarity and Applejack looked at each other for a moment, in hopes to break the awkward silence Apple Bloom left.

"Wanna keep goin'?" Applejack asked.

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Comments ( 13 )

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Dubs Rewatcher

Dubs Rewatcher #1 · Sep 30th, 2012 · · ·

Why does this have so many thumbs down? I'm assuming it's because people came in expecting an actual clopfic.

Although I'm perfectly fine with this Mature tag, you could probably get away with Teen.

Deep Pond

Deep Pond #2 · Sep 30th, 2012 · 1 · ·

Okay, this . . . is actually not too bad. A few mistakes here and there, but overall, quite readable.

The first section is too darn fast. It feels like a ten-second summary of about five minutes of episode. If you don't want to go into detail, don't even bring up the CMC Ninjas wrecking Rarity's boutique; just have Rarity taking Apple Bloom home after visiting Sweetie Belle.

Actually, the whole story feels rushed. You could stand to slow down and describe things in a little more detail You've heard the phrase "show, don't tell"? It applies here. You're doing an okay job of showing in parts (though you could do better), but then you tell as well, which is a bit redundant. Example:

"At the Gala...all the royals~" Rarity sang. She was drunk. She was not as resilient to alcohol as Applejack.

We can tell Rarity is drunk from the context. We don't need to be specifically told that.

What a dry description. What does it look like? What does Applejack think of it?

Applejack helped Rarity to a bed in the spare room upstairs. Rarity simply sprawled throughout the bed, her normally immaculate mane coming loose from its curls, stray hanks of hair sticking out in all directions. Applejack never thought she'd see the day: Rarity messing up her own mane. The earth pony chuckled at the amusing sight.

I described Rarity's mane instead of just saying "messy," and deleted the rather pointless line about her having done it before. Also, we know AJ can see it; we're right there, so to speak. Finally, AJ's reaction makes it clear that she finds it entertaining without telling us so.

The marshmallow mare began to pin down Applejack onto the floor, and began to make out with Applejack. Applejack was caught completely off guard by this new turn of events.

Wait; I thought Rarity was lying on the bed with AJ standing over her? Did Rarity jump AJ, or grab her and pull her down? Did AJ resist? She's canonically a lot stronger than Rarity, and in your fic she's less drunk (and would therefore be in better control of herself).

She continued to make out with the drunk mare, as they caressed each other. They hastily dragged themselves onto the bed, as they continued to show lust for each other, slowly letting out moans.

So . . . AJ is perfectly fine with Rarity jumping her? No reaction from her at all? Surprise, hesitation, enthusiasm, reluctance, anything? I would expect her to at least muse on how she always thought Rarity was cute, or be surprised at the strength of her own feelings, or something like that.

Also, are they having sex, or just making out? It's not really made clear. I personally am not a fan of explicit sex scenes, but this needs a little more detail.

After some awkward silence, Rarity and Applejack looked at each other for a moment, in hopes to break the awkward silence Apple Bloom left.

Redundant description is redundant.

Overall, not bad. It needs some polish and elaboration, but its a decent little story, and I honestly liked the ending: both interrupting and 's last line.

Keep practicing!

i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1
~TWE's knight-errant

Jh5kPony

Jh5kPony #3 · Oct 1st, 2012 · · ·

1365257
funny story:

If I wanted it posted, I HAD to post it as "Teen"

Dubs Rewatcher

Dubs Rewatcher #4 · Oct 1st, 2012 · · ·

1367734
...Huh? But it was Mature before...

Jh5kPony

Jh5kPony #5 · Oct 1st, 2012 · · ·

1367739

my bad. Had to post as mature. Now it's at Teen.

Mhlvgt

Mhlvgt #6 · Oct 2nd, 2012 · · ·

Lulz rarity drunk as buck XD

Snowie Fall

Snowie Fall #7 · Oct 13th, 2012 · · ·

I NEED YOU TO WRITE MORE DONT LEAVE ME HANGN BRO!!!!

Jh5kPony

Jh5kPony #8 · Oct 13th, 2012 · · ·

1430634

Plenty more writing done in these two stories.

Snowie Fall

Snowie Fall #9 · Oct 13th, 2012 · · ·

1431200 sweeeeeeeet

Pidgeons

Pidgeons #10 · Mar 30th, 2013 · 1 · ·

I was going to point out a minor grammar flaw, and leave it at that as a sort of "this is the only thing wrong with this story" claim, just to show how much I liked the story.

...But then so much spit. EW?! So the grammar bit (adding a preposition at the end of a sentence) seems pointless to mention now, and I instead have to ask, why oh why do people insist on using copius amounts of saliva in their description of kissing? They might as well be drinking from each other's mouths instead of the cider mugs. It's disgusting.

also "they showed their lust for each other"? How..?

I have to show my appreciation for including the way the characters talk since a lot of times people will not include the accents and speech mannerisms. However, you go way overboard with Applejack to the point of hurting readability (and with all the Ah and Ahm's thrown in there, her speech seems slower. As if she's talking more like her brother than herself), and you had Rarity say "As it were" twice in too small of a time frame...
And personally, I'm not a fan of seeing Applejack refer to one pony as "y'all". I know the word was used to refer to a single pony rather than a group on the show, but it's very rarely done in real life. We may occasionally see someone refer to one person as "y'all", but they're using it wrong, and that's coming from a standard that considers "ain't" a real word.

Just the shipping itself could save it, except the fact that they didn't actually get into a relationship and the ending is kind of open, which hurts that a bit.

Biggest problem was the saliva, though. Especially when Rarity decided it needed to be all over Applejack's face.
This is usually something I only have to worry about encountering in clopfics, where the writer feels the need to make the sex extra disgusting and wrong just because it's clop.. Not typically something I'd have to worry about seeing in something teen-rated. Not that I think pools and rivers of saliva and drinking of it is something I want to see in a clopfic either. It's just really odd to see a typical problem of clopfics show up as a problem of non-clop.

TheaOchiMati

TheaOchiMati #11 · Jun 16th, 2013 · · ·

There are a number of problems that have been mentioned already, but I think that this article would help you a lot. Also, it's best to keep descriptions away from disgusting if it isn't necessary (ie: interrupted by gags, huge mess of spit). Not necessary and it kills any sort of romantic mood. Another thing: Try to combine some of your sentences, because quite often, the paragraphs are just a bunch of short sentences and that breaks the flow. It doesn't feel natural to read.

Best of luck~

Jh5kPony