• Member Since 8th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen May 21st, 2015

Jh5kPony


Greetings, Comrades! Jh5kPony here! I write stuff. The end.

T

Applejack invites Rarity for a round of hard apple cider one night. Hilarity and romance ensues.

The actual story took 60 minutes. A BETTER One-shot than that other fic whose name shall not be mentioned...

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 13 )

Why does this have so many thumbs down? I'm assuming it's because people came in expecting an actual clopfic.

Although I'm perfectly fine with this Mature tag, you could probably get away with Teen.

Okay, this . . . is actually not too bad. A few mistakes here and there, but overall, quite readable.

:ajsmug: The first section is too darn fast. It feels like a ten-second summary of about five minutes of episode. If you don't want to go into detail, don't even bring up the CMC Ninjas wrecking Rarity's boutique; just have Rarity taking Apple Bloom home after visiting Sweetie Belle.

:ajsmug: Actually, the whole story feels rushed. You could stand to slow down and describe things in a little more detail You've heard the phrase "show, don't tell"? It applies here. You're doing an okay job of showing in parts (though you could do better), but then you tell as well, which is a bit redundant. Example:

"At the Gala...all the royals~" Rarity sang. She was drunk. She was not as resilient to alcohol as Applejack.

We can tell Rarity is drunk from the context. We don't need to be specifically told that.

Applejack helped Rarity to a spare bed in the spare room upstairs. Rarity simply sprawled throughout the bed, causing her mane to become extremely messy. Applejack never thought she'd see the day. Rarity messing up her own mane. Rarity did that once more before, but the messy mane ruse was simply a distraction. Besides, Applejack actually saw this happen in front of her own eyes. It was slightly entertaining to see.

What a dry description. What does it look like? What does Applejack think of it?

Applejack helped Rarity to a bed in the spare room upstairs. Rarity simply sprawled throughout the bed, her normally immaculate mane coming loose from its curls, stray hanks of hair sticking out in all directions. Applejack never thought she'd see the day: Rarity messing up her own mane. The earth pony chuckled at the amusing sight.

I described Rarity's mane instead of just saying "messy," and deleted the rather pointless line about her having done it before. Also, we know AJ can see it; we're right there, so to speak. Finally, AJ's reaction makes it clear that she finds it entertaining without telling us so.

The marshmallow mare began to pin down Applejack onto the floor, and began to make out with Applejack. Applejack was caught completely off guard by this new turn of events.

Wait; I thought Rarity was lying on the bed with AJ standing over her? Did Rarity jump AJ, or grab her and pull her down? Did AJ resist? She's canonically a lot stronger than Rarity, and in your fic she's less drunk (and would therefore be in better control of herself).

She continued to make out with the drunk mare, as they caressed each other. They hastily dragged themselves onto the bed, as they continued to show lust for each other, slowly letting out moans.

So . . . AJ is perfectly fine with Rarity jumping her? No reaction from her at all? Surprise, hesitation, enthusiasm, reluctance, anything? I would expect her to at least muse on how she always thought Rarity was cute, or be surprised at the strength of her own feelings, or something like that.

Also, are they having sex, or just making out? It's not really made clear. I personally am not a fan of explicit sex scenes, but this needs a little more detail.

After some awkward silence, Rarity and Applejack looked at each other for a moment, in hopes to break the awkward silence Apple Bloom left.

Redundant description is redundant.

Overall, not bad. It needs some polish and elaboration, but its a decent little story, and I honestly liked the ending: both :applecry: interrupting and :ajsmug:'s last line.

Keep practicing!

i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1
~TWE's knight-errant

1365257
funny story:

If I wanted it posted, I HAD to post it as "Teen"

1367734
...Huh? But it was Mature before...

1367739

my bad. Had to post as mature. Now it's at Teen.

Lulz rarity drunk as buck XD

I NEED YOU TO WRITE MORE DONT LEAVE ME HANGN BRO!!!!:duck:

1430634

Plenty more writing done in these two stories.

I was going to point out a minor grammar flaw, and leave it at that as a sort of "this is the only thing wrong with this story" claim, just to show how much I liked the story.

...But then so much spit. EW?! So the grammar bit (adding a preposition at the end of a sentence) seems pointless to mention now, and I instead have to ask, why oh why do people insist on using copius amounts of saliva in their description of kissing? They might as well be drinking from each other's mouths instead of the cider mugs. It's disgusting.

also "they showed their lust for each other"? How..?

I have to show my appreciation for including the way the characters talk since a lot of times people will not include the accents and speech mannerisms. However, you go way overboard with Applejack to the point of hurting readability (and with all the Ah and Ahm's thrown in there, her speech seems slower. As if she's talking more like her brother than herself), and you had Rarity say "As it were" twice in too small of a time frame...
And personally, I'm not a fan of seeing Applejack refer to one pony as "y'all". I know the word was used to refer to a single pony rather than a group on the show, but it's very rarely done in real life. We may occasionally see someone refer to one person as "y'all", but they're using it wrong, and that's coming from a standard that considers "ain't" a real word.

Just the shipping itself could save it, except the fact that they didn't actually get into a relationship and the ending is kind of open, which hurts that a bit.

Biggest problem was the saliva, though. Especially when Rarity decided it needed to be all over Applejack's face. :pinkiesick:
This is usually something I only have to worry about encountering in clopfics, where the writer feels the need to make the sex extra disgusting and wrong just because it's clop.. Not typically something I'd have to worry about seeing in something teen-rated. Not that I think pools and rivers of saliva and drinking of it is something I want to see in a clopfic either. It's just really odd to see a typical problem of clopfics show up as a problem of non-clop.

There are a number of problems that have been mentioned already, but I think that this article would help you a lot. Also, it's best to keep descriptions away from disgusting if it isn't necessary (ie: interrupted by gags, huge mess of spit). Not necessary and it kills any sort of romantic mood. Another thing: Try to combine some of your sentences, because quite often, the paragraphs are just a bunch of short sentences and that breaks the flow. It doesn't feel natural to read.

Best of luck~

2731378

Are people STILL reading this?!

2762919 yes, yes we are, if you don't want it to be read, you should take it down

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