Discord's Tournament of Champions: Round Three - Applejack vs. Rain

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dirty little secret

dirty little secret #1 · Apr 9th, 2023 · · ·

This is your official review for the Furry Foray Festival Contest!

I've tried to be as objective as possible, but of course there are limits. I've tried to avoid being biased or arbitrary as much as I can, and hopefully I've succeeded at least somewhat. The full, final results will be announced on May 4th, and winners will be contacted shortly afterward to ask how they would like to accept their prizes. When readings these comments, please keep in mind that I know I'm often overly critical -- to the point where I can always find nitpicks even with the greatest works of literature. So don't take anything personally!

Notes:
- This story ended up being the first of the series I've read ... and I have to admit, I'm a bit confused in the beginning about just how this 'tournament' works. (And now, after reading all three ... I'm still pretty confused. Maybe it would make more sense if I'd read the out-of-contest prequel ... but I'm not supposed to do that.)
- If you're going to go the bondage route, why not actually show her putting all the stuff on instead of skipping it with Twenty Minutes Later? That would help with anticipation and even better buildup, probably.
- Applejack remained politely silent during Mac’s turn, but that was mostly because it was awkward enough watching her brother fucking someone other than her sister-in-law. But not awkward at all when she watches her brother fucking her sister-in-law?
- Nice to see such pains taken for consent, even when Rain can't speak.
- Great anatomically correct details. And a surprising amount of realism for a premise so fantastical -- things like the Equestrian stallions being small compared to her and needing a crate to stand on.
- “GggnnnnnnnNNNNNNAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!~” These written-out moans are a bit excessive, aren't they?
- It would have been amazing if Troubleshoes had 'bad luck' and somehow broke Rain's restraints or something ... and then they kept fucking anyway.
- If normal pony mares are also being serviced in this arrangement, as was implied, I really feel bad for the ones who got Rockhoof or Troubleshoes!
- “Mmm, c’mon… C’mon, breed that gal~” Now that is some quality dirty talk/encouragement!
- his entire body locked up against her’s Unnecessary apostrophe.
- The horse neighed and nucked hard against his body bucked?
- It's kind of hilarious how the typos get much more common during the climax. Seems like somebody was a bit hot and bothered while writing! ^.^
- she laid tiredly in her restraints Technically, 'laid' is transitive -- it requires a subject and an object -- this is supposed to be 'lay'. But I'm not counting this one against you because it really does sound better as 'laid'.
- like leftover spackling from a botched construction job Not the most attractive of metaphors...
- With how much preparation and talk of consent there was in the beginning, I was expecting/hoping for some aftercare in the end, but instead it ended pretty abruptly once Troubleshoes was done.

Scores:
Provocativeness: 80
Progression: 95
Payoff: 15
Pacing: 60
Personality: 60
Prose: 56
Total: 366
For more information on what these scores mean, see the scoring rubric.