Blazing Apples

by Pootie D. Trillist

The Grand Finale

After two days of nonstop work, the decoy town was almost finished, and not a moment too soon. "Bart its almost noon," shouted Jim from atop the ridge overlooking the fake settlement, "the army will be here at any minute and we still haven't replicated all of the ponies yet!"

"Relax Jim," Bart the zebra smiled a devious grin, "some of my friends and I went out into the desert and put up a little road block to slow them down. That is assuming these ponies are as dumb as I think they are."
=======

Taggert lead Headley LeRarity's army across the desert as they gradually made their way towards Appleoosa. The army was only a few miles outside of the town when Taggert saw something he couldn't believe. "Hahaha can you believe that dumb bitch Celestia put up a toll booth in the middle of the desert," he scoffed as he stared at the tiny booth surrounded by nothing on either side, "who the hell would pay a one bit toll to pass a booth in the middle of nowhere surrounded by nothing, when any reasonable pony would just run around the damn thing?"

At that moment Taggert turned around to see that the entire army had turned back towards their camp. "Where the hell are ya goin!" he screamed at them as they galloped off.

"We gotta go back n get a shit load of bits!" screamed Lyle back at him as the army rode off in the distance leaving their leader stranded in the desert.

"Faust damn it!" he screamed in disbelief, "I just know that damn zigger done tricked us again!"
=======

A few hours later the villains had all made their way through the fake toll booth and were chargeing into the decoy Appleoosa as fast as they could. The town's residents, along with its new members stood atop the ridge waiting for Jim to set off the explosive charges set up in a series of apple-bombs placed around the decoy. Jim saw that all of the villains had made their way into the town, and pushed the plunger hoping to set off a massive explosion. Nothing happened as the wires appeared to be frayed.

"Not good," said Jim as he looked down at the unexploded buildings, "any minute they will find out this town is fake and run to the real thing."

"Do you think you can possibly fire a shot from here and set off the bombs that way?" Bart asked as every pony stood awaiting Jim's answer with baited breath.

"Maybe," replied Jim, "but I will need absolute silence and concentration in order for this to work."

The ponies, zebras, and griffons all stopped their talking and watched as Jim set up his weapon, pulling back the plunger and readying his firing hoof. "Oh great Faust please guide this stallion's hoof and bless his keen eye!" shouted the reverend as all of the denizens of Appleoosa began to throw things and jeer at him to shut up for a moment. Jim took a deep breath and readied the shot.

"Wait you foolish foals!" cried out Headley LeRarity as he charged onto the scene stopping all of the villains from wrecking up the decoy for a moment, "the real Appleoosa is a mile and a half away! My hangman has seen this movie and says that if you don't get out of here right now we will all be blown to…"

With that, Jim Sparkle set off a perfect shot with pinpoint accuracy, causing all of the bombs to explode and tearing a hole in the fourth wall. All of the villains were sucked into the vortex. "Well what are we waiting for, this story can't end without a good fight scene," shouted Orin Apple as all of the Appleoosans charged into the vortex after their foes.

"Part of me thinks this can't end good Bart," stated Jim as he pulled out his gun and loaded it, "I mean who knows where we will end up!"

"Jim, we are the heroes," Bart replied, "what could possibly go wrong?"
=======

On the set of Rue Paul's drag race, a giant staircase had been set up with a fountain on either side and a tunnel of love in the back. The men dressed up like women were performing a song and dance routine bad enough to set homosexuals back 60 years. "Throw out your hands! Stick out your tush! Hands on your hips! Now give up a push! You'll be surprised you're doing the French Mistake viola!" the flaming men dressed as women all sung in unison, doing an almost flawless dance routine until the very end when one of them fell off of the studio stairs and into a fountain on the side.

"No Dammit we have been over this a million times you fucking fruit cakes!" Rue Paul screamed at his (or maybe her) transvestites, "now play back the song and watch my every move you fairies!" The song played back and Rue Paul in his lovely evening gown twirled and sang and stuck out his rump in the exact same spot where the performer had fallen. The large, skinny man wearing a dress performed every move with perfection, only to misstep at the very end and fall into the same fountain where his performer had.

"Ok did you get all that?" he asked as he got up and tried to play it off like nothing had gone wrong.

"Yesssssssssss" the rest of the transvestites hissed back at him.

"Then quit sounding like a bunch of steam escaping and take it from the top," Rue Paul shouted back at his homosexuals, "and a five, six, seven, eight!"

At that moment the fourth wall broke sending all of the ponies into the studio with the homosexual men. They had begun to kick and punch each other, sometimes even becoming confused and harming those who were on the same side as them in the pandemonium. "Look at the darling little ponies having a scuffle," one of the men in an evening gown remarked, "they are just so adorable."

"Ah'll show ya adorable!" shouted Lyle as he clobbered the man with a terrific punch, moving towards another as he backed up towards the tunnel of love.

"Stay back you brute, you nasty vicious little…" the man was cut off by Lyle pushing him into the tunnel of love. The two emerged from the tunnel in a friendly embrace.

"I guess we both had abusive daddies," Lyle said as he walked with the man, "Ah just wish Ah had forgave mine cuz maybe Ah woulda made better life choices."

"You're telling me," the man responded with a laugh, "and I'm the one making a living out here in an evening gown doing the French mistake."

"Voila!" Lyle responded as both of them shared a laugh.
=======

"And on your right is the set of the hit gay TV show, Rue Paul's drag race!" said the tour guide as she brought the large vehicle to a halt for all of them to get a good look, "the show which portrays homosexuals in a negative light while at the same time giving them a chance in Hollywood is just stop one on our tour."

Headley LeRarity hopped onto the back of the vehicle hoping no one would notice him as he pulled off and away from the fight. "And right next door is the set of the new Batman Movie, which is set to finish today so long as Raging actor Christian Bale doesn't go off on a tirade!" the tour guide continued as the vehicle drove off.
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"Cat Woman I swear to God if you don't give up this instant I will fucking kill you!" Christian Bale shouted in his batman suit at the sexy actress (who unfortunately was not Hale Berry).

"Cut!" shouted the director, "No Christian the line is 'cat woman give up the jewels and no one gets hurt'."

"Director I swear to God if you criticize me one more time I will fucking kill you!" Christian Bale screamed.

At that moment the ponies and homosexuals burst onto the scene and began to wreck up the place as they continued their fighting. "That's it someone is going to die!" shouted the actor as he began to fight a horde of bandito ponies, trying to tear them limb from limb and succeeding in one case.

Other actors joined in and the brawl became even larger and more complex as villain ponies, fought good ponies, fought actors, fought gay actors, and somewhere in the middle the griffons and zebras were pretty much fighting everybody.

Jim and Bart bumped into each other, both turning around and clocking each other in the face with great force. "Oh shit it's Jim," Bart laughed, "I'm so sorry about that my stallion."

"Don't worry about it Bart," Jim replied with a grin, "I think that was just as much my fault as it was yours."

The fight gradually destroyed the set and moved on from one place to the next.
=======

"So they lose me after the bunker scene," stated a man dressed like Hitler to a man sitting across from him dressed up like a clown, "personally I can't believe they are doing another fricken movie about Nazis but hey as long as I get paid."

The actors sat in the studio commissary, eating their lunches and complaining about bad directors and nepotism that plagued their industry. Then Taggert flew through the door, landing on the rack where a few people had trays of food and sliding all the way down to the cashier. "I see the beef stew, the macaroni and cheese, two orders of fried chicken, and a pudding," the cashier stated as Taggert groaned and bled onto the floor, "that will be 12 dollars and 15 cents. Cash or charge?"

The rest of the massive brawl bust through the door, now incorporating all of the actors into it as well. "Get your pies for the great pie fight scene!" shouted a baker trying to capitalize on the moment. Soon he had made a few hundred bucks and several pies flew around the room, messing up everything in sight and covering everyone in whipped cream.
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LeRarity walked up to the Chinese theater and bought himself a ticket, trying to pass off as a student by showing his ID to a clerk from his days at Equestria Tech. He still had to pay full price for the ticket, and more than full price for the gigantic bucket of popcorn he ordered at the concession stand.

"Look Momy I gots a Rarity toy," the five year old girl stated with pride to her mother.

"That's LeRarity you twit!" Headley shouted as he walked past, making the girl stand there in shock at the sight of an actual real life unicorn. The movie he entered was Blazing Saddles, part of the theatre's throwback line. He sat down in his seat and began to laugh at the final fight scene which he had just caught in time to see. As Bart the sheriff entered the movie theatre in the film, Bart the zebra sheriff entered the movie theatre and sat down behind LeRarity. "No you foal leave out the back door," LeRarity screamed at his human counterpart.

"You know he can't hear you right?" Bart laughed as he slapped a pair of hoof cuffs on LeRarity, "but then again I guess you were just stupid enough to make the same mistake he did."

"But in the movie you shoot me?" LeRarity sneered at the zebra, "don't be a pussy now, end me right here."

"Headley, that's just a movie, I actually have to do this one by the book." Bart laughed as he hauled the criminal away, "Celestia has issued a warrant for your arrest so you have the right to remain silent, the right to speak to your attorney, and the right to kiss my zebra ass."
=======

The ponies found Hasbro Studios where Lauren Faust magically teleported all of them back to Appleoosa. The prosecution was fairly lenient on LeRarity, forcing him into house arrest and making him give up his job as head of the Canterlot Railroad Company. In disgrace he resigned from being Equestria's Attorney General.

Back in Appleoosa Bart said his goodbyes to the ponies, zebras, griffons, and buffalo who were now living in harmony with one another, at least for the time being.

"So with a heavy heart I say goodbye to you all," Bart spoke with love in his heart, "but I must go, for wherever there is injustice I will help good triumph, wherever there is hatred I will spread the love, and wherever there is intolerance I will…"

"BULLSHIT!" shouted the townsfolk as the interrupted his speech.

"Fine your right," Bart admitted, "but this whole speaking the plain truth thing is getting pretty old around here." And with that he said a few more goodbyes before turning and leaving the town for one last time.

Bart was joined by his best friend Jim and the two galloped off into the sunset, the perfect end to their western adventure.

Comments

[Scarlett Haze]

Anything in relation to a Mel Brooks production is a 10 outta 10 in my book. Unfortunately, going scene for scene from the actual movie feels... like a cop out.

I'm conflicted in whether or not I should like it or not...

[The ancient one]

Haven't read the story, just a pet peve i saw in your description. The thought that just because you're black, makes something less racist than it is? It annoys the ever loving crapola out of me. Racism, ironically enough, doesn't discriminate on who can use it. If you say something racist as a white guy, it'll be no more or less racist if you said it as a black guy. And as a black guy myself, i find that annoying.

-RANT OVER!-

[Thorlol]

Mel Brooks and ponies? You have combined two of the greatest things in the world... but at the same time there's the uneasy feeling that it's mostly just a script of the movie with pony names added in. Maybe don't make the references too glaring next time.

[thewaffler]

memberfiles.freewebs.com/59/34/84763459/photos/undefined/the-great-pie-fight_o_GIFSoup.com.gif

[Pootie D. Trillist]

1322348
i feel u brotha but that is a funny ass movie racist or not... richard pryor n mel brooks wrote it