Blazing Apples

by Pootie D. Trillist

Mongo, the Madame, and other Mischief

It was the previous night and the railroad production had come to a standstill. The ponies involved with the railroad had sat down for a giant pot of refried beans when Taggert came out of his tent furious.

"How the hell is it that the citizens of Appleoosa have yet to leave," screamed Taggert to Lyle as the railroad workers continued their break in labor, "we are so off track it aint even funny, how did a number 6 fail!"

"Gee Mr. Taggert maybe we just need a new way o lookin at this," Lyle said looking up from his bean dinner. He and the other pony employees had been farting so much from the beans that the entire campsite smelled despite the fact that dinner had been served outside.

"Do you actually have an idea Lyle because I'd love ta hear it," said Taggert sarcastically.

"Actually I was just gonna say we let ol Mongo Dash have a go at em," Lyle explained before farting again, "they got a new sheriff an a good scare outta get rid of them appleoosans."

"Sic Mongo Dash on um, that just plain aint right," said Taggert with a smug grin on his face, "hes gonna mash up the new sheriff and make em into mini sheriff meat balls." Taggert walked over to Mongo's tent.

The giant pegasus pony slept with his large blue wings tucked behind his back, and a huge chain around his neck to keep him from breaking out of the camp and causing problems. Mongo felt Taggert's prescience and lunged at him, only to get smacked in the face by Taggert's glove. "Now ya giant idiot I need ya tah listen to me," Taggert explained, "I will pay you handsomely to go wreck up the town of Appleoosa, and kill their new sheriff. If you can run all them ponies outta town theres a bonus in it for yah."

"Mongo Like bonus!" exclaimed the giant pegasus as he sucked down the rest of his beans, letting out some gas as well. Taggert extended the brohoof and handed Mongo a cigar.
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That next day, shortly after the town meeting Orin, Allington, and Upton all went to Allington's Saloon for a drink. "Modern technology sure is somthin," Orin bragged of his knowledge, "I hear that in Fillydelphia a unicorn named Louis Pastures just developed a injection that cures cutie pox, imagine never having an outbreak in any settlement ever again its am….."

All of a sudden outside the saloon screams of terror were heard, cutting off Orin Apple mid sentence. A pony flew through the saloon door after he had been punched outside. "Never mind that shit, I think Mongo is here," screamed Upton Pyne Apple at Orin before jumping through a window. The deep thunderous sound of Mongo's hoofsteps audible before anyone could see him. Once his head poked through the door, ponies began to panic. The Saloon was filled with the chaos of forty scared ponies, trying to avoid being tossed around and pummeled by the only pegasus pony tough enough to take them all on at once.
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"I wouldn't do that if I were you," called Jim over to Bart as the sheriff loaded his revolver, "if you shoot Mongo Dash it will just make him angry."

"Well then what am I supposed to do," Bart questioned right back, "that pony who was here earlier called me a foal for even trying but I'm the sheriff here so I have to do something."

A smile stretched across Jim's face, "Tell me Bart, what do you know about zebra-herbology?"

Several minutes of planning later Bart now stood outside Allington's Saloon dressed like a delivery boy with a stupid hat and everything. "This might be the most foalish thing I have ever done," he stated before wiping the frown off of his face and replacing it with a big fake smile.

He walked into the disaster scene, at least a dozen ponies laid on the ground, knocked unconscious, wile about another twenty all had been cornered behind the bar's piano, and were trying to keep from all being squished by Mongo at the same time. "Candy gram for Mongo Dash," called out Bart in his most weenie-esque voice, "candy gram for Mongo."

"Me Mongo," stated the giant pony before leaning off of the piano and saving the twenty or so ponies behind it from suffocation.

"Just sign here please," said Bart as he held out a fake receipt for Mongo, "now then have a blast." Bart walked out of the Saloon casually, but put both hooves up to his ears and ran after he was outside.

"Mongo loves candy," stated the giant pony with a big grin on his face. The few conscious ponies in the bar saw their sheriff and had no clue why he had came in with a box of candies. Then it happened, Mongo stepped away from his victims to open the box, as he opened it a small but powerful explosive was triggered. It went off with just enough force to deafen the entire room, and threw mongo about three feet. He landed with a hard thud, ready to admit defeat.
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"So Jim how did you know about apple bombs?" Bart asked his friend who was now sitting at the deputies desk instead of inside a jail cell.

"Celestia's school for the gifted has a lot of alternative magic studies programs, zebra-herbology is actually quite popular." Jim explained, " now what I want to know is how you figured out that he would accept a candy delivery when there is no service that actually delivers candy."

"Really he just isn't the brightest and he was too preoccupied to notice anything fishy," Bart snickered at his own prank, "actually the bitch was inventing the candy gram and I swear to Celestia they will never give me credit for it."

He began to roll up a joint in celebration but stopped when he heard a knock at the office window. When he opened the window there stood Granny Smith, alone in the dark outside with a pie in hand. "Bless you for saving those ponies from Mongo today, and I am so sorry for the 'up yours zigger' earlier, we were just so pissed off," the old mare stated, "of course you would be decent enough not to mention this meeting in public correct?"

"Yes mam, and thank you for the pie," Bart grinned back. He closed the window feeling as though in some small way during that day he had made progress.

Jim looked over to Bart with a grin and said, "you know at this rate maybe in the next twenty years, after you save this shithole a couple more times, you will be able to actually walk up to one of these assholes and shake their hoof in broad daylight."

"Please Jim, that's if I'm lucky," Bart replied.
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Upon entering LeRarity's office Taggert knew things weren't going to be easy today. LeRarity had asked for Taggert that day upon hearing the news that Mongo had failed to destroy Appleoosa, but when Taggert walked into the office he saw the Attorney General taking a bubblebath and playing with squeaky, rubber bath toys.

"So the beast has failed," LeRarity spoke as Taggert began to turn around to leave, hoping Headley wouldn't see him.

"Well sir I guess you can't win em all," was Taggert's response, "but theres a number of other options with the railroad and taint one of em gonna really cost much more than these schemes of yours are gonna cost us in the long run. If you look at this diagram…."

"Be still you provincial putz," shouted Headley LeRarity over his associate, "my brilliance is at work, transcending all of your stupidity in a magical whirlwind of thought."

"Well sir I admit that what you just said was purtier than an expensive whore but we should really….."

Taggert was interrupted by Headley LeRarity who exclaimed, "THAT'S IT! When the beast fails I can send in the beauty, if I want to end the life of Bart I must first find a woman for him to seduce, so that she may in turn stab him in his stupid zigger back."

"But sir…" Taggert tried to reason.

"Oh no where is my froggy?" LeRarity called out, "damn it Taggert find my froggy this instant." The squeaky toy was sitting atop LeRarity's desk. Taggert brought the toy over and tossed it into the bubble bath. "Oh froggy please promise me you will never run away like that again." LeRarity squeaked the toy as if it was giving a response. "Daddy loves fwoggy, does fwoggy wuv daddy?" He once again made the frog squeak to answer. "Yes my sweet, squeak, squeak, squeak," LeRarity said sinking further into his bubble bath. Taggert just stared in disgust.
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Backstage at a show in Ponyville, the Great and Powerful Lilly prepared for her second act. She was known as the Bridleville Bombshell, her shows sold out nightly, and her life of going on the road and singing with a fake german accent matched her cutie mark of a stage with spotlights. She had admirers in Manehatten, Fillydelphia, Canterlot, and as of tonight, Ponyville. Unfortunately for her one of the admirers was the craziest attorney general in Equestria's long history.

"Oh Lilly, Lilly, those legs Lilly, I just want to sink my teeth in that plump juicy plot of yours and ravage you until you beg me to quit," Headley spoke in the smoothest tone he could manage but Lilly wasn't impressed.

"Last time I begged you to quit because it was terwible," she retorted, coyly whipping the tiny spot of drool from the rim of Headley's mouth, "if I'm not mistaken don't I have a westwaining owder against you."

"Well I am the Attorney General so I got Celestia to undo that stupid court's decision," Headley sneered right back, "but this time it is a matter of business, I have been stalking someone different lately."

"Weally?" she questioned, never taking her eyes of the mad stallion.

"Of course, this time I need you to seduce and murder the sheriff of Appleoosa," Headley explained, "you can do a show at the new outdoor theatre the rednecks built for a front, invite the sheriff back to your dressing room, kill him, and I will give you 50,000 bits for doing so."

"You have yourself a deal Heady, now get yourw hooves of my ass," Lilly sneered at her craziest and most powerful fan.

"ITS HEADLEY!!!" he snapped back.
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The news of The Great and Powerful Lilly's arrival in Appleoosa was enough to cause the entire town to celebrate. The new theatre that Mayor Mclean had commissioned was supposed to draw more big name acts to the tiny town than ever before, but no one had expected The Great and Powerful Lilly to be one of them.

In the sheriff's office, Bart and Jim had nothing to do. The paperwork from Mongo's arrest was complete, the office was cleaner than any of dumpy western town's other buildings, and the only thing left to do that day was open mail.

"Oh here's one you might like, it's addressed to Deputy Sparkle," Bart said handing Jim the letter.

"Huh that's funny, I don't remember ever applying for the job," Jim replied.

"Well someone probably just assumed, besides if I ever do get things moving around here being Deputy Jim might not be a bad thing." Bart continued to look through the mail, there were less hate letters than usual, and almost no junk mail. He grabbed an envelope next which was pink and smelled of expensive perfume, upon opening it Bart discovered two tickets to the upcoming performance by the Great and Powerful Lilly. "Who the hell is the Great and Powerful Lilly?" he asked.

"Oh Bart she's a legendary showpony," replied Jim in disbelief, "perhaps one of the most attractive in history. Her actual show really isn't anything that great, but the tight little outfits, the free booze, and the comedy salvage her horrible German accent. Sex with her is a dream for these westerners."

"Well I hate German accents, I have to see ponies all the time with no clothes on so the tight outfits make no sense, but you did say free booze and comedy so I guess I'm in," Bart replied, putting on his tan suede coat and big ol hat. "The show starts in an hour and someone sent me 2 free tickets so why don't you go fix yourself up a bit Jim," Bart looked at his friend who was in dire need of some soap.

"Ok I will clean myself up but I swear if some derp bag sent those as a joke there will be hell to pay," Jim sneered, truly hating practical jokes.
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"Fillies and gentlecolts for your pleasure this evening the Appleoosan theatre is proud to present The Great and Powerful Lilly," shouted an announcer from backstage as the small crowd went wild. Lilly's act started with a song about how sick she was of losers constantly trying to have their way with her. She made jokes about herself, and jokes about sex. A light colored unicorn was sitting in a way most ponies found odd, leaning back in the chair with his back hooves propped up on the stage.

"Hey therwe big boy whats youwr name?" Lilly asked the unicorn.

"Tex Heartstrings mam," was his reply.

"Well Tex Heawtstwings Maim I have a question fowr you," Lilly cooed, "awre you in showbusiness?"

"No mam," he stated. The unicorn was from out of town and had never been to one of Lilly's shows before, what happened next surprised him.

"Well Tex maim if youwr not a show pony than get youwr fwiggen whooves off the stage!"
she shouted at him, picked him up with her magic and threw the unicorn back three rows. The audience roared in applause. She then took the opportunity to do a few magic tricks, creating a storm cloud out of thin air, picking up audience members, and creating fireworks from her horn. She saw an audience member with a hat on his lap and asked, "hey you is that a 10 gallon hat or awre you just enjoying the show?" The audience laughed.

"Oh miss Lilly," an old earthen walked on stage drunk off the free booze, "oh how I love yah…." He was cut off by Lilly's swift kick to a very sensitive spot, and fell off the stage. When Lilly finished her act every single pony stood up and cheered, practically demanding an encore.

A pony in formal business attire walked up to Bart and Jim's seats, and handed Bart a pink envelope. "Smells like the same fragrance as the last one," Bart stated before he opened it, "'pwease meet me in my dwessing woom in the Appleoosa Inn suite 127'. Oh wow she even writes with an accent. Part of me thinks this is a trap."

Jim looked at Bart in disbelief, "I don't care if she has fifty seven men back there with guns, if you die in an attempt to have your way with her then you went out like a man!"
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The unicorn sat in her hotel suite awaiting her guest's arrival. When she heard a knock on her door she shouted "come in" in three different languages. The zebra came carrying a single red rose, wearing his suede coat and movie star sun glasses.

"Oh a wed wose, how interwesting," stated the show pony, "why don't you come in and have a seat?"

"Danke, I think I will," Bart said sounding smoother than the coat he was wearing.

"Do you mind if I slip into something mowre comfowrtable?" Lilly asked in her sexiest voice.

"Baby," started Bart trying to suppress a grin, "we are ponies, wearing absolutely nothing is the only way to be."

"Well then if you insist," she took off the show pony outfit, "oh my it surwe is bwight in hewe, mind if I turwn off these candles."

"Eine gute Idee baby," was Bart's reply.

She blew out the candles and made her way over to Bart on her bed. She heard a knock on her door and quickly walked through the dark hotel room, tripping on a table and muttering some German curse words as she went. Headley LeRarity had come to check on the plan.

"Is the zigger still alive?" he asked in a harsh whispered tone.

"Yes but give me until mowrning and he will be wet souwrkraut in my hooves," Lilly replied.

"Splendid, now how about you let me have a quick feel of that ass before I have to leave," Headley asked knowing the inevitable response.

"NINE!" screamed Lilly who then slammed the door in Headley's face. She made her way back to Bart, "sorwy about that intwusion, now where were we?"

"Just about to the part where you say once you go stripes you'll never change your type," replied Bart as he rolled over to reveal his best asset.

"Oh my," exclaimed Lilly, "it's twue what they say about you ponies, it's soooooooo twue!"

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