Blazing Apples

by Pootie D. Trillist

Randolph Scott

It was the next afternoon and Lilly had woken up 'early' to make Bart a traditional Bridleville breakfast of schnitzengruppel. He awoke from what would have appeared to some as a coma, and limped out of bed, still in pain from the previous night's festivities. She handed him a plate full of the sausage like food and he ate it without so much as a seconds hesitation. Lilly just sat there and stared at her sheriff lover while he ate.

"Mowre schnitzengruppel dawrling?" she asked before Bart had even finished the plate full.

"No I think thirteen is my limit on schnitzengruppel," he replied as he grinned to the show pony.

Lilly caught the grin and leaned over to ask, "well if youwr hungewr has been satisfied maybe we should just go in the back woom and satisfy my sexual appetite."

To this Bart jumped out of his chair. "Baby please," he exclaimed, "I'm not from Hoofvana, I'm not a God amongst ponies, my junk still hurts from the 6 straight hours we pulled last night. Also I am seriously late for work, being sheriff requires me to be vigilant but instead I've been here for the past 22 hours."

"But I need you, I must have you," she screamed at the sheriff as he put on his coat.

"When I'm done with work, if I can find some really good vitamins, I might come back," he explained.

"But I want you now," cried the Great and Powerful Lilly, "achtung zalebin kapunkt schmit reeble blookin!"

"Baby please your just making a spectacle of yourself," Bart declared as Lilly grabbed onto his back legs and refused to let go, "that last sentence wasn't even really German."
=======

When Bart arrived back at the sheriff's office, he opened the door to Jim's applause. "Oh you wild stud," Jim said with a smile, "I'll bet you tore that ass up so bad no other pony will ever satisfy the Great and Powerful Lilly again."

"Helps that I have a big ego and know every move in the karma sutra," was Bart's response, "but before I go into graphic details did I miss anything today?"

"Well you're not going to be happy but I have an official telegram from Headley LeRarity ordering Mongo Dash's release," Jim stated with a grim look on his face.

"What would a big time Canterlot politician like LeRarity want with a giant thug?" questioned Bart as he walked over to a special cell. Inside the cell Mongo was taking a nap, completely bound in chains barely lose enough for him to breathe. "Wake up time!" shouted Bart as he grabbed a bucket of water and threw it at Mongo's face.

The giant pegasus awoke with a big stretch, breaking his chains with surprising ease as he yawned. "Ok Mongo, you're free to go," said Bart to the behemoth.

"Mongo no go," was the beast's reply.

"Well come on Mongo, this is your lucky day," said the now confused zebra, "you're a free pony now."

"But Sheriff Bart is the first stallion to ever best Mongo," the massive pegasus stated, "Mongo is impressed, and now have feelings for Sheriff Bart."

"Ohahaha, are you serious Mongo?" Jim laughed at the beast, "hey Bart this one has a bit of a crush you."

"NO! MONGO STRAIGHT!" shouted Mongo at the accusation as he shoved both ponies out of his way, "Mongo hate that ponies confuse my pretty colors for gay, that's why mongo went crazy in the first place."

"Wait Mongo, I was just bucking with you we have a serious question," Jim explained. The giant pegasus stopped, turned around, and gestured so as to say go on.

"I just want to know, what does a high rolling politician like Headley LeRarity want with a dumpy town like Appleoosa?" Bart asked, "I'm very curious since he signed your pardon only three days after we caught you."

"Mongo work for railroad company LeRarity own, it have something to do with where the choo choo goes," Mongo answered.

"Well that's very helpful to us, but do you know anything else?" Bart said, excited about his new lead in the Appleoosa case.

"Don't know, Mongo only a pawn in the game of life," said the behemoth.
=======

The next day the sheriff and his deputy trotted a few miles to the site of the Railway construction, which had now been put on hold for two weeks. The workers saw their comrade approach, wearing his usual wardrobe and sheriff star, and let out a unison cheer as they ran forward to greet their almost fallen friend.

"Bart, oh thank Celestia I heard you were hung," screamed Charlie as he ran forward to hug his best friend.

"If you want to you can ask the Great and Powerful Lilly just how hung I am," joked Bart while at the same time secretly hoping somepony would ask Lilly about him.

"How did you get that shinny star on your chest, are you a sheriff now?" asked Charlie.

"Yeah, you know it, they made me sheriff of Appleoosa," Bart grinned with his response.

"But the other day I heard Lyle and Mr. Taggert talking about how they are gonna level that settlement and replace it with a tourist resort when they bring the railroad through town," Charlie explained.

"Everything he just said is true," said Taggert as he strolled up with 4 of his lackeys and Lyle at his sides, and a revolver in each of their front right hooves, "which is why I'm afraid were gonna just have to kill you ourselves. It breaks my heart that we done took the time and trouble to kill off every single buffalo within a hundred miles, just to see a Celestia damned zigger wearin a sheriff star. Too bad LeRarity thought you would be a good little patsy and play along with him or else you woulda been dead weeks ago."

"Sure is depressin Mr. Taggert," claimed Lyle as he loaded his revolver, "I bet cha would feel better if I put a bullet in that zigger's eye when you count to three."

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," stated Jim coldly as he drew a revolver of his own.

"Some mighty big words comin from a snivelin drunk," was Lyle's response, "look at yuh over here shakin an shiverin, yall only got 6 bullets in that gun, and theres 6 of us. You would have to be the Wako Kid or somethin ta have a ice cubes chance in hell at killin all o us befer we kill yuh and that uppity zigger over there."

"1…2…"Taggert began to count as his lackeys all cocked their guns, but right before he could say 3 Jim Sparkle struck with such speed and smoothness unlike any pony the bumbling villains had ever seen. In just 6 shots and a quarter of a second, Jim had shot every single pony in their shooting hoof, leaving them all hurt, bleeding, and breathless.

"Give it up for the Wako Kid," Bart grinned at the wounded ponies as he pulled out his own revolver and they made a feeble attempt at applause, "now the fun starts, its interrogation time. Which one of my zebras out here with me today hates these ignorant assholes enough to help me kick the living shit out of them for messing with me and my town."

The Zebras and Griffons stuck at their horrible job all began to cheer the loudest they could, as Taggert ran away as fast as his hooves would allow.
=======

The hoof came across Lilly's face with the force of a true pimp slap, followed by another as Headley LeRarity continued to administrate the beating. "One simple task, seduce and abandon the sheriff so that I can kill him, instead you and he did unspeakable things all night and you never let me in to stab him," he sneered, setting up the bloodied snout of the show pony before smacking it again, "tell me something useful or else I kill you, and chop that perfect little horn as a souvenir"

"Nevewr you spineless pussy," she screamed, spitting a tooth at his face, "youwr just jealous of the fact that he's 10 times the stallion you'll ever be. Why it would take a awrmy just to trwy and beat him."

He hit her again, and then thought for a moment on what she had just said. "Yes, an army of evil would be splendid," was all he said.

At that very moment Taggert burst into the room, blood dripping from his right hoof. "Mr. LeRarity sir the sheriff just rounded up a bunch of my men and is interrogatin em right now as we speak," he said with great concern, "you need to get the hell out of Appleoosa before he finds out that you're here or else the entire railroad operation is completely fucked."

"No that won't be necessary Taggert, but time is of the essence," Headley replied, "we need an army of the most vile brutish ponies in all of Equestria. We have 3 days and I want all the murderers, burglars, bank robbers, ass kickers, shit kickers, mugs, thugs, pugs, triple OGs, double gunslingers, single desperados, train robbers, banditos, cheetos, comanches, apaches, Islamic Jihadists, Israeli counterterrorists, gunslingers, drug slingers, Satanists, arsonists, rapists, and Methodists!!!"

"It will nevewr worwk you pussy," shouted Lilly from the floor, "he's going to win you know."

"Shut up you titanic twat!" responded Headley before he smacked her again.
=======

The next day Bart and Jim were sitting inside the sheriff's office filling out forms necessary to obtain an arrest warrant for Headley LeRarity when he heard a commotion coming from outside. Bart stuck his head out the door to see the entire town packing up their things and leaving.

"What is this some kind of hate driven mass exodus?" he called out to Allington Apple as the saloon owner continued to load up a wagon.

"Nothing of the sort," Allington replied as he continued loading his stuff, "one of my friends in the next town found the most disturbing flyer outside a popular criminal hangout spot and well I think you should just come over here and have a look for yourself."

So Bart walked over and read the flyer which said:

WANTED
AN ARMY OF THE MOST VICIOUS BLOODTHIRSTY PONIES IN THE WEST
WE NEED YOU FOR A TOTAL ANNILAHATION OF THE SETTLEMENT OF APPLEOOSA AND EVERY PONY IN IT
PAY OF 100 BITS PER THE DAY
INCURR WITH HEADLEY LERARITY OF THE ROYAL CANTERLOT RAILROAD COMPANY

Bart took one look at the flyer and saw the truth in Headley's scheme. He stood on top of a soapbox and screamed to the ponies, "everypony please stop what you're doing, can't you see that this is the last act of a desperate colt."

"Look I personally couldn't give a shit if it's the first act of Henry The Eighth," shouted Orin right back, "I'd rather be broke than dead so I'm out like pantaloons."

"But ponies please this is your town, stay here and fight this menace with me," Bart shouted to the townsponies, "prove to this psychotic asshole that you don't deserve to be treated like steaming piles of manure."

"NO BUCKING WAY!" the entire town shouted in unison at their sheriff before returning to packing up all of their things.

Bart paused for a moment, and shouted back, "You would do it for Randolph Scott."

"RANDOLPH SCOTT," all of the ponies shouted back as if entranced by the sheer mentioning of the greatest western hero's name. The wagons were unloaded and the guns were brought out, the Ponies of Appleoosa were here to stay.
=======

LeRarity, Taggert, and Lyle stood behind a desk not far from the work site as Headley LeRarity interviewed potential candidates for his army of evil, while Bart and Jim watched from behind a rock formation nearby.

"Qualifications," LeRarity asked the random thug standing in front of his desk.

"Rape, murder, arson, and rape," the thug responded.

"I believe you just said rape twice sir," LeRarity questioned the thugs intentions.

"Well sir that's because rape is my favorite," the thug grinned as he spoke.

Headley LeRarity was impressed, "oh I really like this one. Here is your temporary deputy badge, report back at this spot in two days at noon for the full scale invasion of Appleoosa."

The next potential candidate stepped foreward loudly chewing a piece of gum. "Qualifications," LeRarity asked the big stallion.

"Arson, armed robbery, conspiracy to…" the stallion started but was cut off by LeRarity

"Hold it right there," Headley sneered, "what the hell is that in your mouth?"

"Nothin!" the stallion replied.

"Nothin eh?" LeRarity grabbed the stallion and forced his mouth open, pulling out the chewing gum, "Lyle kill this idiot for his blatant disregard for my rules, there will be no gum chewing unless you bring enough for everypony here."

"But I didn't know…" the stallion started but was shot by Lyle who just laughed at him. The next candidate stepped foreward.

"Oh wow he's completely insane," Jim said quietly to Bart having just witnessed the whole thing, "we really need to figure out a way to get in closer and see what this operation entails."

"Jim I think I'm about two steps ahead of you," Bart replied as he stared at two Ku Klux Klan ponies, "I already know what we have to do but we will have to be quick in order for this to work."

The Klan ponies were a terrorist group, known for dressing in white sheets, with a firm set belief that the only intelligent animal to remain in Equestria were ponies, and that all zebras, buffalo, griffons, and dragons needed eliminated. Worse to them then a zebra was a zebra who wanted to mate with a regular pony. When Jim walked out from behind the rock, he knew of this fact quite well. "Hey boys, you should take a look at what I got over here," Jim called out to the Klan ponies as he hoisted Bart out from behind the rock.

"Where the earth mares at?" Bart shouted as Jim held him out for the two Klan ponies to see.

Outraged by the zebra's outburst, the two Klan ponies followed Jim behind the rock, hoping to teach the zebra a lesson about good old fashioned inequality. They were ambushed by the sheriff and his deputy behind the rock formation, knocked unconscious, and had their hooded white cloaks stolen off of their lifeless bodies. Now completely disguised to the rest of the potential members of Headley's evil army, Bart and Jim were able to move freely amongst the crowd of insane criminals.

"Very good gentlemen, now if you could each take a temporary deputy badge and be back here at noon on Monday," LeRarity explained, accepting a group of young dragon banditos into his army.

"Badges," one of the Dragons exclaimed, "we don't need no stinkin badges essay!" He fired off a few shots and the dragons walked away, remaining badge-less.

Bart and Jim were next in line as the stepped forward to reveal a fake criminal past. "Qualifications?" asked Headley LeRarity to the duo.

"Stampeding cattle" was Jim's response but the look on LeRarity's face showed that he didn't think much of the crime.

"Through Celestia's castle on Gala night," Bart added quickly in hopes that he hadn't lost any of LeRarity's respect for the fake crime.

"Oh wow that's kinky," LeRarity grinned back at the hooded ponies, "here are your badges,
if you could just sign here." He used his unicorn magic to levitate a clipboard with the names of every villain on it, along with a quill. Bart stuck out part of his snout from underneath the hood so as to grasp the quill, and in doing so accidently revealed one of his stripes.

"Oh Bill how many times have I told you to wash that snout of yours after the weekly cross burning," Jim tried to save the situation by trying to rub off the stripe, "there we go, now it's starting to come off."

Unfortunately the ruse had not paid off as Taggert reached out and yanked off Bart's hood, fully revealing his identity. "Now for my next impression, Reggie Bush," shouted Bart as he and Jim ran away as fast as their hooves could carry them.

"After them!" shouted Taggert as the entire army tried to catch the heros, "we can head them off at the pass."

"Head them off at the pass," LeRarity sneered, "I hate that cliché line." He showed his displeasure by pistol whipping Taggert.
=======

It was midnight and the entire town of Ponyville was standing in the middle of the desert. "The zigger better have a damn good explaination," Mayor McLean sneered, "I quit the sex session, er I mean the paperwork I was doing with my assistant to come out here."
The ponies watched as from a distance what looked like a small army approached them. At first they feared that it was Headley LeRarity's army coming two days early to finish them off in a horrifying manner, but when they looked a little closer they saw something even worst by their standards, zebras and griffons. The sheriff and his deputy were leading the group.

"Ponies I have come up with a solution, we build a decoy town and trap the villains," Bart claimed with pride, "we will need help in the construction and the fight, which is why I have brought forth my own army of railroad laborers. In return for quitting their jobs, they will require land to homestead, which is the one thing you ponies have to spare."

The ponies all began to argue loudly, unsure if it was a better choice to put their petty raceism aside for the good of their town, or watch their dreams be destroyed over an ancient tradition of inequality. "Order gentlecolts, fillies, please, order," shouted Mayor McLean over the ruckus.

"You know Discord says from chaos comes order," Orin replied, "I think that's something to consider."

"I think you should consider blowing it out your ass Orin," Upton Pyne replied.

"We have come to an agreement," shouted Allington over the noise, "we will take the ziggers and the sky chinks, but no more pegasi. We have enough drunks as it is, we don't need drunks that can fly above us and take a crap at their will."

"No deal!" shouted Bart, "its all or nothing."

"Fine," scoffed the Mayor, "this imbreeding thing is starting to get out of hoof anyway."

Comments

[thewaffler]

I loved this as this the ponified version of one of my films. You got damn every major line. I do wish you had done Young Frankenstein as well because they were released together as a double feature in 1974 and share many of the same actors.

"Now for my next impression, Reggie Bush," shouted Bart as he and Jim ran away as fast as their hooves could carry them.

GO DOLPHINS, MIAMI WHOOOO!!!!

[AlphaThroughZeta]

"we need an army of the most vile brutish ponies in all of Equestria. We have 3 days and I want all the murderers, burglars, bank robbers, ass kickers, shit kickers, mugs, thugs, pugs, triple OGs, double gunslingers, single desperados, train robbers, banditos, cheetos, comanches, apaches, Islamic Jihadists, Israeli counterterrorists, gunslingers, drug slingers, Satanists, arsonists, rapists, and Methodists!!!"

I NEED TO MEMORIZE THIS!!!!,THAT WAY I CAN HAVE A SPEECH OF SOMEKIND TO ROUND UP AN ARMY