Blazing Apples

by Pootie D. Trillist

Sheriff Bart

The final step in appointing the new patsy sheriff for Headley LeRarity was simply to have the Princess Celestia make it official. When Headley and Bart entered the office of Celestia, it was a mess, as if a looter had came through and torn apart the room looking for valuables.

"Princess Celestia are you ok?" Headley shouted after surveying the room, "it looks like those damned buffalo have stampeded in your office."

At that moment the princess stepped out from behind a curtain. Her mane was tattered, her royal armor was removed, and she was clearly exhausted based on appearance. "Pardon me gentlecolts, but I was just doing an exercise session," she tried to offer as an explanation, but unfortunately for her Ms. Shy walked into the room wearing a French maid outfit.

"Ok so I found more lube along with Javier to add to our orgy, and were almost out of pillows but….." Celestia stared at her assistant with a look of utter hatred, "oh my," she squeaked, hiding behind a curtain already concealing several other ponies.

Headley was the first to break the awkward silence by changing the topic in the room to the most important matter at hand. "Princess I feel as though I have solved our problem," he explained, "I would like you to meet the new sheriff of Appleoosa."

The princess went to extend a brohoof to the new sheriff, but upon the realization that he was a zebra pulled back her hoof and whistled for Headley to come over and talk to her. Instead of Headley, Bart was the one who walked up next to the princess before she spoke. "Have you gone completely berserk? Can't you see that that pony is a zig…. er um an excellent candidate?" She realized it was Bart and corrected herself mid question, and then called over Headley and made Bart leave, starting over on the exact same line of questions. "Have you gone completely berserk? Can't you see that this pony is a zigger?" she asked, unsure of whether or not to trust LeRarity's choice.

"Of course I can see that, last time I checked I wasn't blind you know." LeRarity retorted, "this is an opportunity to make Equestrian history, think about it, the first ever Zebra to become sheriff, this will bring national tolerance up and boost your approval rating, dare I say it," he stopped mid sentence.

"Dare, dare!" shouted Bart who was now sitting at Celestia's Desk.

"TO THE MOOOOOOOONNNNNN!" Screamed Headley at his princess, "your approval rating will go up from the mid 80s all the way to a projected 96, the best of any alicorn ever in our history."

"Well Headley, you have never steered me wrong before but Appleoosa," Celestia stated, "he will be killed in a week."

"A week is all we need to make you look even better than you did after you defeated Nightmare Moon," Headley boldly claimed.

"Eh screw it what's the worst that could happen?" Celestia signed a document declaring Bart the new sheriff of Appleoosa, and looked at Ms. Shy, whose flank was sticking out from behind the curtain in a way Celestia couldn't resist. "Now then if you two would please excuse me I have some naughty secretaries who need to be spanked," she said right before kicking the Attorney General and the sheriff out of her office, completely unaware of what she had just done.
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With a swagger in his step, a tan leather Gucci saddle bag set, a big ol western hat, and a shining star on his chest, Bart the zebra strutted towards the town of Appleoosa. The town was waiting for him to arrive around noon per his message to the Mayor McLean, and had quite the celebration planned for his arrival. The apple band had been assembled, cannons had been brought to the town square for a salute, and old Gala Apple stood atop the town church with a pair of binoculars awaiting his arrival.

"I think the shuriffs a comin" he screamed to the town below.

"Oh Celestia I hope I don't mess up this speech," stated Orin, "I suppose I need to practice it. 'By the welcoming committee of the town of Appleoosa I would like to extend this laurel and a hearty hoofshake to our new sheriff, and potential savior of our little settlement.' I think I got it down."

"Ring out the church bells!" exclaimed Upton Pyne.

"Strike up the band!" shouted Allington, and sure enough the church bells began to ring and the band began to play an upbeat melody.

Gala stood atop the church loving the spectacle of the whole town celebrating. He turned around hoping to get a better look at the sheriff, and was startled with what he saw. "THE SHURRIF IS A ZIG…" dong, a church bell rang and cut him off.

"What did he say?" screamed Mayor McLean over the noise.

"I think he said the sheriff is near," replied Allington just as loud.

"NO COT FRACKIT RACKUM THE SHURIFF IS A……" dong, the church bell cut Gala off again.

Then it happened. Bart strutted into town dressed like a boss, but the stares he got were more than just at his outfit, they were stares of pure hatred. He smiled and tipped his hat as he walked past a group of fillies; an old stallion sitting outside the general store looked up from a book, and immediately fell back in his chair from shock. He walked up to the makeshift stage and the band abruptly stopped playing their instruments.

"By the welcoming committee of the town of Appleoosa I would like to extend this laurel and a hearty hoofshake to our new," Orin looked up and was cut off by his own train of thought, the only word that came out of his mouth afterwards was, "zigger."

Bart walked up onto stage to address the stunned, silent crowd of ponies he would now have to keep safe from outside threats. "Excuse me while I whip this out," he stated calmly as he reached for a speech he had pre written, and kept stashed away on his underside. The crowd screamed at first, for some reason assuming he was about to whip out his penis and show it to them, then saw him pull out the piece of parchment and were immediately relieved. "By the order of Headley J. LeRarity, and princess Celestia," Bart began but as he spoke he heard the sound of a few hundred guns clicking into firing position, "I hereby assume the duties of Sheriff for the town of Appleoosa." Bart raised his hooves hoping he wouldn't be shot.

The Reverend held up his bible and screamed, "Gentlecolts I ask of you to pray heed to the good book of Faust and what it has to say!" someone shot a hole in the book at which point the reverend just sat back down and said, "well sonny you're on your own."

Bart thought of an idea. He held his own gun up to his head and screamed, "HOLD IT! NOPONY MOVE OR THE ZIGGER GETS IT!" then in a different voice he screamed, "Oh lawdy lawd he despit, do what he say, do what he say!" The whole town threw down their guns as Bart gradually walked backwards towards the sheriff's office, never breaking character.

"Isn't anypony gonna help that poor stallion?" cried out the schoolteacher Hawley Apple.

"Shut up Hawley that's how you get him killed," snapped Mayor McLean right back at her.

"Oh lawdy lawd help me, help me!" screamed Bart in the victim voice, switching back as the captor voice to scream, "Shut the buck up," at himself. He smacked his own mouth with a hoof and stepped into the sheriff's office, closed the door, and gave himself a hug. "Oh me, I'm so talented, and they are so dumb," he said with a smile on his face.
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"That's odd, this ledger book has no names in it," Bart said as he looked at the official ledger for the month, "the last guy didn't even arrest anyone, this town really was peaceful." He looked at the three jail cells and saw the only man in was a drunkard, just waking up from a liquor induced coma. Over the drunk's moaning and groaning Bart asked, "are we awake?"

The drunk took a look at the new sheriff and fell out of the top bunk bed in his cell. "Well that depends," the now upside down drunk rubbed his eyes and stared up at the zebra wearing a sheriff's star, "are we a referee?"

"Well I'm a zebra and I'm a sheriff, so basically yes," he looked at the unicorn with a grin, "did some of the town's ponies put you in here?"

"No, the last guy just let me stay here for free," the upside down unicorn replied, "I basically just need liquor and a place to pass out at night."

"Do you need any help getting up from that," Bart asked as the unicorn who was still hanging upside down.

"Oh well only all I can get," the unicorn replied as Bart helped him up from his predicament. The unicorn reached under the bottom bunk and pulled out a bottle of whiskey. He drank about a quarter of the bottle and let out a belch.

"Can I get you anything to eat?" Bart asked the Unicorn, "a pony who drinks like that and doesn't eat is sure to die."

"When?" was all that the Unicorn said back.

"Ok well while you're still here do you have a name?" the zebra asked hoping to get some response that wasn't depressing from the drunkard.

"Well I guess my name is Jim, but my friends just call me Jim," was his reply.

"Ok so what do you do for fun Jim?" Bart probed further.

"I drink, I play chess, I screw a mare or two, that's pretty much it," Jim stated.

"Well how about some chess then?" Bart grabbed a chess set out of the top drawer of his desk and the two proceeded to play. Bart was winning at chess but he had to admit one thing about Jim, the pony was a smart one. The Unicorn had a full ride scholarship at Celestia's school for the gifted as a young colt, and excelled in all studies. He had originally come to Appleoosa to work as a business manager for one of his classmates who raised dairy cattle. A rival farmer killed his friend and stole all of his cattle with out reprimand, at which point Jim snapped.

"I took up a gun and swore revenge on those damn farmers, and it was that day in which Jim Sparkle became the Wako Kid." Jim said finishing his story.

"So you are the Wako Kid?" Bart stared at the unicorn in disbelief, "the fastest gun in the west?"

"No in all of Equestria." Jim replied with a grin on his face, "in fact let me show you, you see that king piece, put both of your hooves about an inch away from that and try to grab it before me when I say go."

Bart did just that, smacking the chess piece in between his hooves almost instantly. He looked in between his hooves and the chess piece wasn't there, Jim pulled it out of his gun holster and smiled.

"Well I'll be a son of a griffon; you really are the Wako Kid!" Bart stared at the Unicorn in disbelief.

"Actually I WAS the Wako Kid," Jim replied, "I went all around from settlement to settlement killing the assholes who killed my friend. I became a wanted stallion and had to kill everyone who stood against me. I began robbing banks and general stores just trying to make a living, had so many gunfights I still hear the word 'draw' in my sleep. Then one day I was in the town about 20 miles from here and I heard someone say 'reach for it mister'. When I turned around it was a 6 year old filly with her daddy's handgun. I threw down my weapons and walked away but the little bitch shot me in my ass cheek. So I decided to just give up on life from then on. Honestly though I really want to know what your story is now. How did a zebra end up out here?"

"Honestly just came with my family back in the day." Jim began, "We followed a wagon train but of course they wouldn't let the zebras travel with regular ponies, but we followed them until a whole heard of buffalo stopped the wagon train. Of course we couldn't be a part of the ponies' wagon circle so we just waited on our fate alone. The buffalo chief saw our collection of literature and let us go, after we gave him a couple books. He said something about 'these schwartza are darker than us' and it kind of sounded like Hebrew. But needless to say we settled, I found a job later, got fired after I smacked my racist ass boss with a shovel, was put on death row, and then had my charge dropped down to assault by Headley LeRarity who admired my spirit and gave me this sheriff job."

The drunk had fallen back to sleep with the story. "Always love keeping my audience riveted!" said Bart chuckling at the irony.
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"Order, order, fillies and gentlecolts please," shouted Mayor McLean from the front of the town hall meeting room, ignoring the calls of food orders from the drunks hanging around. "I understand your concerns and have addressed them. Regarding the sheriff I have commissioned a letter be written by our esteemed school teacher Miss Hawley Apple to Princess Celestia regarding our extreme displeasure at her choice of Sheriff."

"To the desk of Princess Celestia I sent the following," the school teacher started off talking like she was addressing a small group.

"Louder," shouted a group of drunks over the teacher as she spoke.

"Ok I'm really not good in large groups but," Hawley took in a deep breath, "WE THE EARTHEN, FAUST FEARING PONIES OF APPLEOOSA, STRONGLY DISAGREE WITH YOU AND WHAT EVER IT IS YOU DO THERE IN CANTERLOT. RECENTLY WE HAVE COME UNDER ATTACK BY A SAVAGE HORDE OF RUSTLERS AND YOU DID NOTHING. NOW WE HAVE WIRED YOU FOR A NEW SHERIFF, AND YOU SENT A REFEREE. YOUR DECISION TO TREAT US LIKE GARBAGE IN THIS TIME OF CRISIS JUST GOES TO PROVE THAT YOU ARE INDEED THE LEADING ASSHOLE IN ALL OF EQUESTRIA."

The crowd was blown away by the teacher's speech as they rose in applause.
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Bart had no clue that an emergency action meeting was going on when he lit a joint at his desk. Jim had just woken up, and begun to drink again, as he walked over to Bart.

"Let me get that, I always smoke cigarettes when I drink," Jim stated as grabbed the joint from Bart's hoof. Bart attempted to warn him but Jim was the fastest unicorn he had ever seen, and had hit the weed before anything could be said. Jim then let out a nasty cough, hacking and choking on the joint as he suddenly realized that there was no tobacco in the cigarette.

"That my friend is called ganja," explained Bart, "it's a zebra delicacy that makes you feel social, snacky, and sleepy, in that order. And now that I have had some and seen you do the same I will go out and let my social self enjoy talking to some of the town's ponies."

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," Jim said before taking another hit, "these rednecks are crazy."

"Jim you're the crazy one," joked Bart as he stepped outside, Jim just shook his head.
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The town meeting had just let out and old Granny Smith was the last to leave. She was upset with the whole situation, a zebra associating with ponies, acting all smug with his Gucci saddlebags and shiny sheriff's star. All she could think about was how much she hated Princess Celestia for doing this to Appleoosa.

At the moment she was walking up the street Bart stepped out of his office. "Good morning mam," he cheerfully stated to the old mare, "and isn't it a lovely mornin to boot."

"UP YOURS ZIGGER!" was all the old mare could scream back at him. She walked past as Bart just stood in the same spot, confused by what had happened. Bart walked back inside his office and sat at his desk to roll up another joint.

He told Jim what had happened and Jim just laughed, "well these ponies are crazy what did you expect her to say."

"Maybe a good morning right back?" said Bart as light a match.

"In this town that won't happen, you might as well have expected her to say 'such a nice young stallion, how would you like to meet my hot, single granddaughter,'" Jim chuckled.

At that moment an extremely terrified Upton Pyne ran into Bart's office screaming, "Sheriff, Mongo has just come into town and started kicking the shit out of everypony in Allington's Saloon. Please help us sir."

"You hear this, ten minutes ago I was just a zigger, and now apparently I'm a sir," stated Bart, "who is this Mongo anyway?"

"Mongo's not a who, Mongo's more of a what," replied Jim as he leaned back in his chair.

"Please stop him sheriff," pleaded Upton.

"Ok fine, I guess it's my job so what choice do I have," Bart replied as he loaded his revolver.

Upton Pyne ran out of the sheriff's office screaming, "the foal's going to do it," as he went.

Comments

[Lazaro Sol]

Don't forget to have them all run into your writing studio when they all end u p in hollywood!

[Ssendam the Masked]

Molestia/tyrant Celestia/Trollestia is best Celestia.
Also, Fluttershy secretary