I'm an experienced writer and editor who happens to like ponies.
When Rarity claims the honor of decorating town hall for Princess Celestia’s arrival, Petal Dust finds herself stuck with the less prestigious task of helping Pinkie arrange her Summer Sun Eve party. But Pinkie is about to have her most ambitious idea yet, and Petal Dust find a way to make it a reality.
Cover image from "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic" Season 1, Episode 1.
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Good job! The story was well written, no too long, not too short, and the grammar was spot on as well. This was pretty interesting overall. Have my green thumb, a favorite, and a mustache.
A story by scribblestick it's not possible to describe my yes
1327327 1327933 Thanks!
I don't usually read slice of life stories but I saw you were reviewing a bunch of stuff in the train wreck and not getting any reviews of your own, so I stopped by.
I liked it overall. I have two small critiques, though.
There were a few instances where the pacing dropped, or the logic didn't quite flow. When she's asking the Cakes about whether or not they care about the Apples being the primary caterers for events, it seemed like it was leading somewhere, and then nothing happened. Also, the line about “So you’re just trying to use his popularity to get ahead?” was out of nowhere and seemed way too judgmental and harsh for the setting.
The other critique is that the story itself had some potential that didn't quite get used. You have an opportunity to show us what happened in town on Twilight's first day, the day before Nightmare Moon attacks. This is Ponyville before Twilight. I think, even through the eyes of an OC background pony, that you could show us a bit more about the town and about the Mane 6's relationships or lack thereof before Twilight came and brought them all together. That would be neat to read, and you have the perfect character for it-a pony who, by the nature of her work, will be all around town. Right now though, the story is fine, but there isn't much that's memorable or unique about it.
Hope that helped.
1348274 Thanks! I was trying not to tie her too closely to the mane 6 (because people hate that and I didn't now if I could pull it off), but I see what you mean. Maybe I'll revisit that later.
I had to drastically scale back Petal's feelings about Rarity (originally it was borderline hatred) because, well, it didn't make any sense. That line probably slipped through the editing process.
Once again, thanks for the feedback. It's greatly appreciated.
Please take these comments with a grain of salt; I'll admit that I'm an awful writer, and I'm only here to offer advice.
Before I even get to anything:
*looks at own profile pic* Well, damn. At least mine didn't have streamers; that would've been odd.
Anywho, to your story!
First off, spelling and grammar (this is what I customarily start off with). For the most part, I found it to be great. There were a few things I did catch-- three, to be exact, and two I'm questioning:
I believe you meant "every".
Perfect.
Fashionista.
Now for the two things I question:
I'm guessing that's "until", and I've seen it shortened two ways: an apostrophe and t-i-l ('til), or just t-i-l-l without the apostrophe (till). I cannot recall seeing it that way, so if you're absolutely sure that's acceptable, keep it.
I almost want to say you meant "complement," to indicate that they were going together. I'm not too sure on that, though, so I can't comment on that.
Other than that, I found it to be grammatically-sound.
Moving on to your style of writing, I found it a bit frustrating that you kept using the words "said," "replied," and "asked". I didn't find a lot of variation with the way they spoke, and reading "she said" and "he replied" over and over again got a bit monotonous. I'd suggest either adding more action, to let them speak for themselves, or adding phrases like "she sighed" or "she groaned".
But that's just me; I've heard that putting the word "said" in there is meant to make it invisible or something, so I'll leave what you do about that to you.
Moving on to more important matters!
Atmosphere: I have to agree with Aldrigold that there was potential that seemed wasted. I think it would've been nice to see this completely-frustrated party decorator either
1. one of the few flustered townsponies amidst excited townsfolk
2. ignoring the plight of other ponies
I think having more of a role with other ponies at this time would've helped better characterize her, but that's just me. What you did portray, I think you did well; I would say, objectively, setting is probably your weakest place in this story (I've not read anything else by you).
Characterization: You appear to have a good understanding of this. I liked how you characterized Petal Dust and Phonograph, and the characterization of other characters in terms of dialogue was great. I will suggest maybe practicing showing body motions to better show characterization, but that's just me.
Your plot was excellent. I liked how you connected things together, and the plight of Petal Dust was shown well. I do wish this was a bit longer, though, and expanded on some things, but that's the only complaint I have in terms of plot.
So that's my "critique", and I must say I'll be giving this story a thumbs-up. I liked the story, the characterization was nice, and the grammar was mostly sound. I would work on your body language in terms of characterization, and definitely work on your setting; then again, I've not read anything else by you, so I don't know how this compares to others.
And again, please take these comments cautiously; they are only meant to help, and I'm not the best author ever.
The best of your talents with your future endeavors!
1395335 You have no idea how awesome it is that someone FINALLY gave me a critique like this.
Nice catch on the typos and spelling errors. I have no idea if 'till is correct or not, I just assumed it was, so I'll look into it.
I tend to struggle with describing body language, particularly with ponies, so your comments on the subject are appreciated. Do you know of any stories that do this particularly well? I find it really helpful to see examples.
Once again, thanks so much for your feedback. I'll definitely keep it in mind as I move forward.
1395558 Suggestions? Um, uh... I can't think of any that really stand out!
Although if you haven't read it already, I'd read Who We Are by kits; she made a pontification about dialogue and body language that can be found here, and if I remember correctly, everything--including body language--plays a big part in it. If not, it's a bloody good read anyway.
I'm glad you appreciate the critique
. And no, I don't have any idea how awesome it is (although I'm hoping to experience it soon with a one-shot I'll be finishing soon; the one story I have up right now is awful)
, but I'm glad you got something out of it nonetheless.