- Member Since 29th Apr, 2020
- offline last seen 8 hours ago
Starswirl the Beardless
Don't let your dreams be memes
Starswirl the Beardless
Joined 29th Apr, 2020 ·
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That was a really good story.
now that's body positivity
How lovely
Well-paced, and all the details that matter. I like this take on the Rarishy mix. Would be interesting to hear a bit of aftercare the next morning on fears and desires. How opposites do attract.
I liked the first two chapters a lot. (I'll get around to the third one soon.) It was descriptive without being overbearing, it established Rarity's self-image and her personality, it established Fluttershy's character, their interactions - especially in the second chapter - were just sugar-coated sweetness. Really wholesome and adorable. Even though I gotta say, Rarity basically 'pranked' Shy with that 'you're too late'-line. But again, it serves well to establish the relationship dynamic they have.
Now. Third chapter. Relatively early on, there's this line:
And I don't like it much. The first chapter seemed to imply that Rarity is quite satisfied with her own body, a little bit plush on her rump not included. And I do get that nerves play a big role and insecurities can remain hidden until the moment they come crashing down. That said, this sentence still stuck out to me like a sore thumb. Because there's three examples given of what she's expecting. And all three of them have a negative connotation. I mean... I suppose one could argue that a 'shocked gasp' could be something positive, but the two examples following that tint that possibility in a less believable light. It's just... in the first chapter, she seemed quite satisfied. Her body is gorgeous. Not perfect. But a looker. It's what all the descriptions imply. And then this line comes around and seems to contradict it.
Adding to that, the third chapter dragged on for too long. That's obviously just my opinion. It's a matter of taste and preference and therefore highly subjective. You are very descriptive, you seem to have a knack for that. Work with what you're good at, makes perfect sense. But I feel you might have overdone it. (For me, at least.) I found myself skipping paragraphs, which is never a good sign. Especially since I did not have the feeling like I missed much. Every time I caught myself, I went back and forced myself to read what I had skipped, but it repeated a couple of times.
And since I'm talking about subjective stuff already: There was too much reliance on 'flesh' for my tastes. I suspect it's again a highly personal thing, but every time I read 'flesh', I have associations with actual flesh before my minds eye. Like in a butchery.
Given my earlier criticism, I cannot agree with Zervon on the 'well-paced'-part, but I do agree with the other statements. It would have been nice to read more about the aftermath. Your way with words would lend itself greatly to that, I feel.
Either way, I still had a good time reading this.
Thank you for writing!
11462689
Well, I'm glad to hear you at least enjoyed part of my story. I do feel the need to push back against some of your complaints, however.
I feel that you're misunderstanding what I was trying to convey about Rarity's self-image. Yes, I spend a significant amount of time describing her beautiful appearance through narration, but that is not necessarily the same as Rarity's own opinions of herself. While she is ultimately "satisfied" with her appearance, that is a very weakly positive opinion to have. I do not say that she is proud of her body or anything else highly positive like that. If anything, Rarity is very insecure about her appearance, hence why she spends so much time and effort worrying about it.
It is for this reason that, when she finally shows herself to Fluttershy, she is naturally very worried. Even if she is satisfied with her appearance, that does not mean that Fluttershy will be, which Rarity recognizes. In a situation like that, Rarity's worry-wart brain is naturally going to jump to the worst-case scenario, but that's not necessarily what she's expecting to happen. In that very line you highlighted, I explicitly say that she's not sure what she thinks is going to happen, but again, she's more concerned with the negative outcomes than the positive ones, especially since Fluttershy gives no immediate positive reaction.
As to the pacing, I think that really is just a subjective thing. I've been writing erotic stories for over two years now, and I've had hundreds of people read my sex scenes, but you're the first person whose ever complained about the pacing of them. Granted, I don't normally write scenes that are this long, but I felt that was a necessity in this case. If all you're concerned with is the story beats, then yes, I can see why you might have been bored by that chapter, but I consider that to be a case of not seeing the forest for the trees. It's the little details that make sex entertaining to read about, not so much the big picture; that's why I write sex scenes the way I do.
Lastly, yes, I do tend to use the word "flesh" a lot in the sense of "pleasures of the flesh". I happen to like that word, because I feel that there are no other words that really convey the same idea without either being too clinical or too specific. We're all meatbags when you get down to it, but if you can't mentally dissociate the meat on your bones from the meat on your plate, then I don't know what to tell you.
In any case, I'm glad you enjoyed reading this story, and thank you for taking the time to tell me your opinions on it.
11465742
Hm, interesting. Seems I misunderstood at least parts of the first chapter then. Maybe I ought to go back and reread it, take a second view with this input in mind. Either way, thank you for the clarification.
Concerning the pacing, it's very much subjective, yes. I wouldn't go as far as to say I was bored, though. As I mentioned, it's still a very good story overall.
Anyway, thank you for your civil reply. I've had a lot worse with not-thoroughly-positive comments. I hope you'll have a decent new year!