- Member Since 20th Aug, 2021
- offline last seen 3 hours ago
False Door
If you like feeling awful, you've come to the right place.
False Door
Joined 20th Aug, 2021 ·
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A very powerful beginning you got something here I wonder who's in the hookup with shining armor
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Ah... Stay tuned.
Second chapter just as strong as the first one but a lot of emotions in this one
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Now comes the hard part: Pacing and buildup.
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That's basically the deal. Without giving too much away (or saying things to you that I have to cut or change in the final,) their power has been defanged and they've scattered to the four winds. I'm tentatively planning to touch base with all of them eventually and flesh more of that out.
Actually I’m getting George Orwell’s 1984 vibes from this fanfic which is actually a good thing for me! Also George Orwell made another book named Animal Farm: A fairy story. Animal Farm is about animals revolting against their abusive owners but overtime the pigs who lead the revolution become corrupt but Snowball is killed by Napoleon during an election, so the same pig Napoleon takes over the farm and leads them to a dictatorship… There’s no happy ending for both but spoiler: Animal farm ends with the pigs becoming the humans and basically the animals can’t tell the pigs from the human! 1984 is something I won’t spoil much because it’s London but it’s a country under dictatorship named Oceania. If you want a summary of 1984, I don’t think I could give one and you’ll know why but people on YouTube did explain 1984 but I recommend GradeSavior or Crash Course. Both are actually based on The Soviet Union and actually George Orwell actually lived during the Soviet Union and actually didn’t support Stalin and his ideas for reasons including Stalin’s policies of starving Ukrainian people! (Not getting political but I’m a history buff!) Yet I may had explained Animal Farm poorly but GradeSavior and A.J. Hoge explains it better…
Sorry if I’m talking too much but I like this story, I hope this world gets expanded with creativity and maybe we could see a bad ending if possible but it’s your choice author!
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Oh yeah. I have the Ralph Steadman illustrated Animal Farm. (Planning on featuring Sweet Apple Acres as a Soviet style "That's a real nice farm you got there," farm collective.) Surprisingly though, still haven't read 1984. When I click that "alternate universe" tag, I kind of feel obligated to go hog wild but I pretty much never make it as divergent as this one.
It's not all fleshed out yet but in my head it's a weird mix of glitzy mafia / seedy big city noir BUT autocratic dystopia. Fascist oligarchy government BUT employing Stalinist control tactics. The iron fist rule of Sombra BUT with autonomy to make capital and even have some leisure time. I can't choose a side, so I guess I'm doing both.
As for the ending, I definitely already have a solid idea I'm leaning toward, which is pretty rare for me in this stage of the game. I do love bad endings and I really think the genre calls for it but these longer, hard fought stories tend to make me softer on the characters in the end so we'll see...
Maybe it's time you begin Step 1 secure the keys
Sometimes you got to take that chance
Keep the updates coming. You're doing great so far. This story has excellent potential.
I like your writing style, it's very descriptive. There was never a time when I was reading where I was confused what was happening or what the characters were feeling.
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Thank you. You can rest assured I won't flake out you. I haven't abandoned a story yet.
Shining armor your life I was thinking about taking it. Thornwick that's right. shining Armor I don't do well in tight places going to prison worries shouldn't have bruised her face. Thornwick really. Shining Armor should have kept it the way it was. Thornwick keep the b**** I'm done with it. Shining Armor (punched)
I guess you can say Shining Armor's is on the road again I can't wait to get on the road again the life that I love is making music with my friends
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That's originally how I envisioned the scene but I decided it was too cold and illegal to wait around outside all night and Shining wouldn't want to stay with Pinkie and possibly get her mixed up in it. That was my unexplained reasoning.
Do we ever get told how Discord was beaten?
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Probably not. I usually just like to ignore his existence altogether. He's too powerful. I am planning on touching base with Luna soon though. Thinking about Starlight too but that's just an idea that I may not find a spot for.
This is heating up, meeting with Limestone was a nice tension break. Somehow she's a guard at a train station in a dystopian Equestria and completely in character. Bravo
Shining Armor can't catch a break got nothing but bad luck so far
Wow, this was really good. The exploration of Shining from Luna's PoV, getting his fall into his current bitter self called out was very interesting. It can sometimes be difficult to tell if someone is out of character for story reasons or just written differently. Knowing now that he was the noble knight originally makes his actions stick out more.
Though I do wonder how he survived Sombra if his dream was accurate.
I also like how you wrote Luna. Very fey now that she's disconnected from Equestria.
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Thanks. Shining's nightmare is mostly his subconscious feelings of guilt/inadequacy/failure. My interpretation or idea that I feel inclined to leave up in the air within the context of the story is that that part at the end is semi accurate but instead he was holding his already dead wife and instead of being vaporized with her, he teleported and ran at the last millisecond and disappeared.
I hope shining armor will be able to get back to Pinkie Pie and hope she's someone okay
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Me too...
I wood taken some of the riot gear
Shining is going Punisher on Sombra's toadies, after seeing what they were doing I can't really blame him though. This story enjoys displaying the brutality of fighting like few do, especially MLP fics. I can kind of see Shining struggling with an idea I found best communicated by Terry Pratchett, to shorten a couple of great lines down to the point, "...So hope like hell your captor is an evil man. A good man will kill you with hardly a word." With the idea being punctuated with the story's most heroic character killing the villain with no dramatic florishes or one-liners, just a short sharp thrust immediately followed by moving on to check on the people he saved.
Shining isn't quite there, being focused on the past and who he couldn't save, rather than who he now can.
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"Shining goes full Punisher..." was actually the disclaimer I was going to put at the beginning of the chapter but I figured if someone's still on board at this point, they're fine with that.
Been a balancing act trying to keep him in the Dexter gray zone of permissible violence and tragic antihero.
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I think you are keeping to that line, Shining is violent, but not calculating about it. Finding his brother being tortured would lead to just about anyone beating the torturers to death with whatever is at hand, or telekinesis.
One of the best chances to stop Sombra you're going to need uprising not in one city but in all of the city no pony should be afraid of the government it's the government that we should be afraid the pony. You're going to need a massive riot like you want to have the Hunger Games in the first movie
So I take it Flurry Heart was brainwashed into thinking she's Sombra's daughter?
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Ded But that would have been a fun angle.
At least shining armor still got Spike and hopefully Pinkie Pie
Well, that was unexpected.
We can only hope that Pinkie Pie's okay. If shining armor going to fight Sombra you're going to need distract all of his guards for they don't interfere you're going to need distract them
Things...went well? I was worried the hits would keep coming after last chapter.
Though now I'm even more worried for what happens next. I know you would give Shining a pyrrhic victory in the end, if he even does manage to win.
Incoming collaborator Rarity appearance? Has she gone villain or trying to do the most good in a crappy situation?
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This is absolute torture. So many things I want to say but can't for love of storytelling. I remember posting a comment very early in the story discussing the ending that said something like The longer the struggle, the softer I become on what happens in the end. That is exactly what just happened with this chapter. I'm getting cold feet but of course don't let your guard down. There's going to be a lot to unpack and I'm wavering on treating you guys, (or anyone else who shows up) as a focus group for whether or not I do an epilogue or just check that 'complete' box and give it a chef's kiss.
Definitely make epilogue
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Welp. The focus group has spoken.
The finale, and the drop-kick to the feels, has arrived! And boy did it kick. Your stories don't always end with the protagonist feeling emotionally devastated but you went with it. Seems to be Shinings flaw of getting tunnel vision on his goal for revenge that endangers those around him, screwing over Pinkie both times, his enraged beating of the stallion who assaulted her at the beginning of the story and his overfocus on Sombra over his sorroundings here. Has he finally learned that lesson now that he feels nothing?
having a slightly better day. Though maybe her guilt is just as bad as Shinings. They can bond over that I guess? Seeing where Celestia is now trapped too would be nice.
I'll add my vote for an epilogue, just to see how final details are wrapped up. How everything that happened and now ruling changes Shining, if it does at all. Maybe I'll see more of best-pony
Wait! Is this how Equestria fell leading up to the new show? It All Makes Sense Now.
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It has already been sent... but I only pay in horrible feelings.
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Darkest Me: Twilight should end her letter saying "Take care of Pinkie." Limestone should also say this. And also Pinkie was pregnant with Shining's foal. It's like it's mirroring the initial tragedy but self inflicted, showing his regression as a character.
Regular Dark Me: No, I think we have enough here.
Luna's quote
was meant to be prophetic.
I really wanted to do more with Rarity either as a femme fatale or a reluctant coconspirator with Shining. I just couldn't find a space and make it work the way I wanted to.
11357149
Ouch, so it could have been even worse. If you had gone that far I think it would have been gratuitous.
Past a certain point tragedy becomes comedy.
I wonder, was Pinkie only there because Rarity convinced Sombra not to have her punished worse? I can see her being sent to the mines or executed, but Rarity influencing him to lessen the punishment to being the palace jester-slave. Only for Shining's ill considered attack to make it a death sentence.
Shame we lost more depth to Rarity, but stories can get overly bloated. Probably smart to cut her part down unless you really wanted to extend the story. What is the maxim? "Kill your Darlings" when you have to aggressively edit down a story?
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Pinkie's presence was justified in my head as some form of special treatment that I never fully fleshed out in my brain but I really like your explanation.
That was a good ending at least we know that gummies being taken care of
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I've had several ideas boggling around on the back burner for months while I focused on NiCC. The ones that are sticking:
Coin-op Girl:
Sweetie Belle discovers that a malfunctioning coin-op ride is actually a LOT more fun to ride now. Sharing this revelation with the CMCs leads to a misguided sexual awakening, playing out semi publicly where they adventure into previously unknown territory while mostly unaware of the boundaries of appropriateness. All the adults are more or less oblivious to the true motives behind their antics. I want to see if I can keep it T rated and make the focus comedy.
Creep:
Apple Bloom becomes obsessed with photography after Cheerilee begins offering a class at school. The only camera the Apples have sits unused in the attic which granny inexplicably doesn't want her to use. After taking the camera anyway, Apple Bloom's behavior begins to change as the subject matter of her photos becomes more disturbing and voyeuristic and a strange presence lurking around her is occasionally caught on film.
I'd like to go with the light hearted comedy first as a pallet cleanser but I also would like to have a headstart on the horror one in case I can find a contest to enter since we happen to be getting around that time of year.
What happend with Rarity???
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I need to review the ratings criteria. I might have to just go soft M for the first one but we'll see. For the other story, Cheerilee gets a professional photographer to come frome the city to the schoolhouse and do a presentation that resonates with Apple Bloom. There's enough interest from the students that the photographer agrees to come once a week to do a class while Cheerilee does a self guided crash course to be able to guide the students outside of that time. They'll be taking their own photos and developing their own film and photos in a darkroom.
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In my mind, she went back to Ponyville and picked up where she left off but it's hard because a lot of ponies don't like her now. Maybe she tries to build a new identity. Maybe she's called up as a consultant for teaching royal etiquette if Limestone and Shining become a thing.
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What if the son of King Sombra was in her womb?
the king's heir at the hands of the victim, the son of the murderer of the Shining family.
It would be interesting if that happened xD
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Don't tempt me...
I've a thing for bittersweet. I can see where the dislikes stem from, but it's not your writing; it's the situation. Tragedies are like that.
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Glad you found this story. It went completely under the radar despite being updated over three months.