• Member Since 12th May, 2022
  • offline last seen 16 hours ago

Tilltheafterlife


T

Samuel, or as he preferred to be called, Sam, was just a normal teenage guy who goes to school (prison) and watches My Little Pony. He then goes to bed and has a dream of being a pony and living in Ponyville, but little does he know his dream is about to become real when it gets invaded by a dream demon.

Two centuries ago, a demon known as, Nightmare, enters people's dreams and ruins it without their consent. Witnesses report the demon drags their physical body into the dream world through a portal. This makes it so that the demon can make their greatest fears into a reality, meaning it will not only damage the victims mentally, but also physically. Nightmare was then finally sealed away; however, it was only temporary, and he reawakens in a very weakened state after two hundred years. Nightmare must find a host to keep himself alive but who?

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 4 )

An interesting premise and read. And while it does have potential there are plenty of mistakes. From your AN I know this is your first published story here so let me offer some constructive criticism.

1. I notice that you used said a lot in character dialogue and while it isn’t necessarily bad you also use it when a character, for example the dad, is clearly yelling. This makes the flow of the dialogue a bit wonky.
2. You don’t really describe the other characters. I get that they aren’t all that important because they will likely never be seen again but description is still good describe that characters frustrations or sadness don’t just say that they’re sad or frustrated for example instead of “"STUPID POWER OUTAGE!" said Sam's dad, who was not happy to see his TV quit on him when he was on the best part of one of his old western movies…” you could describe the way his fathers face scrunches up in frustration when the tv turned off. Or how the lights in the house flickered for a little bit before eventually dying out followed by his fathers frustrated yelling about his favorite movie being cut short.
3. Pacing, this is a common mistake many new writers, including myself, make. We want to get to the action, the good stuff of the story however taking your time to flesh out your world and main character(s) is a great way to engage readers, however don’t spend to much time on background or you’ll risk having a wall of text make a prologue describing the characters daily life and then ease into the way that brought them to Equestria near the end/at the end.
These are some of the mistakes I saw in this story so far and I’ll continue to read to give you some more constructive criticism and because it’s an interesting premise I rarely see. Take care and I hope this helped:twilightsmile:

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Thanks for the advice, mate. I need all the help I can get on this. I'll try to edit chapters one and two a little bit.

Welp, I finished chapter 3. I will be editing chapter 1 and make huge changes to chapter 2. Please tell me if I did anything wrong.

If you would like to borrow an OC, let me know via PM.

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