Hate Scritches (and Tummy Rubs of Dislike)

by Mockingbirb

Antisocial Networking

Social media and texting were a little different in Equestria. Instead of fancy, high-tech mobile phones, or dragonfire messaging that almost nopony had their own dragon for, the usual method was to write a note, roll it up, put the note inside a long, hollowed-out cork, shove the cork inside the end of a message tube, and blow really hard.

"Pomp!" An arriving message flew out of a receiving tube, and struck the opposite wall of Pinkie's "party planning cave." The cave where she used to plan fun times for dozens or even hundreds of ponies to celebrate all together.

But now, her cave was just a place where she could hide away to keep herself from hugging and nuzzling other ponies. Because hugging and nuzzling other ponies was a way to send them strong vibes of concentrated love. Intense love was exactly the kind of thing that, if that pony was really a changeling, would prolong the changeling infiltration.

But Pinkie had NEEDS. A LOT of ponies had needs. Even if she couldn't get her loving snuggles and nuzzles and scritches, NON-loving snuggles and...other stuff...were better than nothing at all.

Pinkie picked up the cork and pulled out a note. The note was folded up really, really small in a way that made lots of sharp corners and was annoying to unfold and flatten out.

Whoever sent this note, Pinkie was starting to hate that pony already!

The note said:

Do you love me?
o Yes
o No
o Buck off
o Buck you (just an expression)
o Buck you (I really mean it! Like, right now, you stupid bucker!)

P.S. You're ugly and stupid and I already hate you too.

Hate,
Zephyr Breeze

"Hmm," Pinkie said to herself. "Zephyr is Fluttershy's brother, isn't he? He's a real jerk. I hate him. But I NEED my...physical stuff."

Pinkie picked up a pencil in her mouth, and marked the last option. She sent the note, blowing into the tube really, really hard. She hoped she hit that stupid pony right in the face!

After a few minutes, another cork arrived. This note was folded and crumpled even more obnoxiously than the last one. It said:

Meet me outside Sugarcube Corner, you stupid sow. Be there in fifteen minutes, or go buck yourself, I don't care.

Pinkie walked up an escape tunnel, unlocked the tunnel's several locks, went out the door, and relocked everything behind her.

She whistled happily as she trotted and bounced along the street. Without really thinking about it, she started to sing.

"My name is Pinkie Pie
And I am here to say
I'm here to make you smile
And brighten up your day!"

She whacked herself on the face with one forehoof. "No! Bad Pinkie! Don't try to make ponies smile! If you make ponies smile, they might LOVE you. And you know what happens then!" She imagined the changeling queen, Chrysalis, laughing and cackling, sucking up love energy into an enormous egg or cocoon or something...Pinkie wasn't too clear on the specifics of how that worked. But she knew it was something bad!

As Pinkie approached the backside of Sugarcube Corner Bakery, she saw the conceited pale green pony she'd 'hoped' for.

"I knew you couldn't stay away." He leered. "No mare can resist the 'cool Breeze.'"

"Ugh!" Pinkie complained. "You're as insufferable as ever. Is there anypony who loves you at all? Anypony who even LIKES you?"

Breeze tossed his long blonde hair, posing unattractively. "This is a whole new world, and everything's different. Now everypony wants me. I'm practically a social amenity, like a public bathroom."

Pinkie grunted. "Speaking of a public bathroom, bring your stupid plot over here before I get so disgusted I go home."

Zephyr walked closer. He lifted a forehoof, and scritched Pinkie's back. "Doesn't that feel good?" he said softly.

Pinkie had to admit to herself, it DID feel good.

"I should turn over a new leaf," Zephyr said. "I was always inconsiderate of other ponies. But I should care about their feelings."

Pinkie flopped over on her side, letting Zephyr give her ear scritches and tummy rubs. She felt herself fall into a happy trance of physical pleasure.

Zephyr said, "The reason I've always acted the way I do is, I'm not CAPABLE of feeling love for anypony other than myself. And I'm no good at faking it, either." He nuzzled Pinkie's neck, and she felt two venomous fangs poking her skin. "But soon enough, you'll be in a happy dream...inside a cocoon, where all the love will be sucked out of you until you DIE. But at least you'll die happy."

"Stop, in the name of love!" a cute, girlish voice shouted behind him. He pulled his fangs away from Pinkie's neck.

The interrupter proclaimed, "This is a STING! Ha ha ha, what a pun. I amuse even myself."

Pinkie turned her head to look, as a bright ball of magenta light enveloped Zephyr. He shimmered and shook and shrank. When he was the size of a mouse, Twilight leaped out from behind a bush, clapped a jar over him, and fastened the lid to trap him inside.

"I don't think he deserves air holes, do you?" Twilight asked.

Fluttershy came out from behind another bush. "My family always used to give him air holes before, when he was a bad little colt and he misbehaved and we 'grounded' him in our giant bug jar." She shook her head. "And he never learned to behave any better. So let's try WITHOUT air holes."

Zephyr's little bughooves drummed against the jar's side. His mouth moved, but nopony could hear him through the glass. After a few minutes, he fell over, curling up on his side like some other kind of dead bug.

Pinkie gazed up woozily. "Really, Fluttershy? You let Twilight kill your own brother?"

Fluttershy shrugged. "I thought I cared about every little creature in the whole world, but I guess even I have my limits."

Author's Note:

The reason Zephyr Breeze can't move out of his parents' house is, nocreature else will ever love him and he'll die. True story! Just ask the writing team!

To see one of the cutest mane-pulling, stuff-throwing, name-calling ships in horsewords, take a look at Blueshift's Nineteen-Neighty-Four. (link) I'm not saying Twixie... is always the best and cutest ship in MLP. I'm just saying Blueshift wrote the ship very well in the linked story and now my own story will look not so good by comparison.

ENineteen Neighty-Four

• MLP: FiM
• Comedy

1984 pony style!

• Crossover
• Alt. Universe
• Twilight
• Pinkie
• Trixie
• Shining Armor

Blueshift · 8.3k words  ·  1,233  15 · 21k views

If you just want another story by me about a changeling invasion, you could try my

TDon't Die Laughing

• MLP: FiM
• Dark
• Horror

In a world where insectile monsters feed on ponies' laughter, and the word 'chuckle' is almost synonymous with death, Maud teaches a very special comedy workshop to save ponies' lives.

• Violence
• Gore
• Death
• Alt. Universe
• Pinkie
• Other
• Maud Pie
• Button Mash

Mockingbirb · 1.4k words  ·  30  3 · 884 views

If you want a good AU short short by someone else about a changeling invasion, why not try Amereep's "Love Bites"? (link)

Something also reminds me of...

TFor the Love of Science

• MLP: FiM
• Romance
• Comedy

Twilight Sparkle has a date... with time!

• Twilight
• Spike
• Doctor Whooves
• Main 6

Cold in Gardez · 13k words  ·  709  17 · 12k views

Comments

[redandready45]

I regret that I have but one like to give this story. Because it was a riot.

Social media and texting were a little different in Equestria. Instead of fancy, high-tech mobile phones, or dragonfire messaging that almost nopony had their own dragon for, the usual method was to write a note, roll it up, put the note inside a long, hollowed-out cork, shove the cork inside the end of a message tube, and blow really hard.

"Pomp!" An arriving message flew out of a receiving tube, and struck the opposite wall of Pinkie's "party planning cave." The cave where she used to plan fun times for dozens or even hundreds of ponies to celebrate all together.

Yeah, I can see they would use that to send messages.

But Pinkie had NEEDS. A LOT of ponies had needs. Even if she couldn't get her loving snuggles and nuzzles and scritches, NON-loving snuggles and...other stuff...were better than nothing at all.

Cuddle deficiency is a horrible illness!

Do you love me?
o Yes
o No
o Buck off
o Buck you (just an expression)
o Buck you (I really mean it! Like, right now, you stupid bucker!)

P.S. You're ugly and stupid and I already hate you too.

Hate,
Zephyr Breeze

At least he's self-aware.

Zephyr being a changeling, a being who wants love but can't give it, makes too much sense.

Anyways, thanks for a good laugh!

[Wild Stallion]

I should be mad about Zephyr dying, but the rest of the story was too good.

A enforced lockdown on physical affection (now why does that feel familiar)?

Zephyr Breeze being a Changeling (which makes way too much sense).

And poor cuddly Pinkie Pie having to deal with a snuggles withdrawal.

Truly a master piece that I was privileged to read. Thanks for writing!

[Mockingbirb]

11227770
Warning to readers! At least one spoiler in the comments, sorry.

[Wild Stallion]

11227777
Sorry! Is it fixed now?

[Mockingbirb]

11227785
It is extremely fixed now, thanks.

[Mockingbirb]

11227770
11227495

While I am leaving comments (and unfortunately diluting other comments that I like better than mine), please let me say that I enjoy your detailed appreciative comments so much! Even if I'm so grumpy-fussy about spoilers.

[fanreader999999]

Random

[FanOfMostEverything]

I just hope some ponies don't decide the infiltration is over long before it actually is, go out for big cuddle parties, and cause a resurgence even worse than the first wave.

But really, who'd be silly enough to do that?

Bizarre, but definitely entertaining. Thank you for it and best of luck in the judging.

[Bicyclette]

Social media and texting were a little different in Equestria. Instead of fancy, high-tech mobile phones, or dragonfire messaging that almost nopony had their own dragon for, the usual method was to write a note, roll it up, put the note inside a long, hollowed-out cork, shove the cork inside the end of a message tube, and blow really hard.

hehehe, that is a very accessible pony solution to this, yes

But Pinkie had NEEDS. A LOT of ponies had needs. Even if she couldn't get her loving snuggles and nuzzles and scritches, NON-loving snuggles and...other stuff...were better than nothing at all.

oof, Pinkie is down bad!

o Buck off
o Buck you (just an expression)
o Buck you (I really mean it! Like, right now, you stupid bucker!)

i appreciate the precision in communication here. also that the effect of a list is replicated by using just the letter "o"

"Hmm," Pinkie said to herself. "Zephyr is Fluttershy's brother, isn't he? He's a real jerk. I hate him. But I NEED my...physical stuff."

Pinkie is down really bad!

Pinkie walked up an escape tunnel, unlocked the tunnel's several locks, went out the door, and relocked everything behind her.

dang, just how bad did the Changeling infestation get?

"No! Bad Pinkie! Don't try to make ponies smile! If you make ponies smile, they might LOVE you. And you know what happens then!"

heartbreaking to see Pinkie pre-emptively blame herself like this :(

She imagined the changeling queen, Chrysalis, laughing and cackling, sucking up love energy into an enormous egg or cocoon or something...Pinkie wasn't too clear on the specifics of how that worked. But she knew it was something bad!

hehe, this does feel very much like a peek into the mind of Pinkie Pie

"I knew you couldn't stay away." He leered. "No mare can resist the 'cool Breeze.'"

so Zephyr Breeze, i both hate him and love him

Breeze tossed his long blonde hair, posing unattractively.

i like to think that this is not the result of the narration being reflective of Pinkie's perceptions because it is close-in on her perspective, but rather an objective description of the world

"This is a whole new world, and everything's different. Now everypony wants me. I'm practically a social amenity, like a public bathroom."

you know what, i honestly can't tell if this is a self-own or not

Zephyr said, "The reason I've always acted the way I do is, I'm not CAPABLE of feeling love for anypony other than myself. And I'm no good at faking it, either."

that is a really neat worlbuilding idea, that in a world under siege by Changelings, ponies that can disconnect displays of affection and actually feeling affection would have a useful skill to give to ponies that i can easily see would see that as a "need". and i guess this makes Zephyr the closest thing Equestria has to a sex worker? there are very many layers here and it is fascinating to think about in terms of what the analogues to all these pieces would be in the human world...

The interrupter proclaimed, "This is a STING! Ha ha ha, what a pun. I amuse even myself."

hehe, nice

When he was the size of a mouse, Twilight leaped out from behind a bush, clapped a jar over him, and fastened the lid to trap him inside.

and now you've gone ahead and put a pegasus in a jar...

Fluttershy came out from behind another bush. "My family always used to give him air holes before, when he was a bad little colt and he misbehaved and we 'grounded' him in our giant bug jar." She shook her head. "And he never learned to behave any better. So let's try WITHOUT air holes."

now that just raises further questions!

Pinkie gazed up woozily. "Really, Fluttershy? You let Twilight kill your own brother?"

Fluttershy shrugged. "I thought I cared about every little creature in the whole world, but I guess even I have my limits."

and oof, way to twist the knife! now this is how you give characters very out-of-character moments, for the purposes of heightening a cynically absurd comedic bit

The reason Zephyr Breeze can't move out of his parents' house is, nocreature else will ever love him and he'll die. True story! Just ask the writing team!

and your Commentary on aspects of the show writing really is spot-on here! i have nothing to say that could possibly contest this.

---

very fun stuff, combining an out-there and interesting worldbuilding premise with the logical conclusions of how one of Equestria's least savory characters would fit into it. thank you for writing!