- Member Since 22nd Oct, 2020
- offline last seen April 11th
Phase88
"You think you have cornered Pinkie, but she has planned for an emergency! Pinkie deploys the liferaft!" Only posting completed oneshots.
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What's the difference between a changepony and a changeling?
11215562
Thanks for asking, it hasn't been said in the story yet. A changepony is a hybrid between a changeling and a pony that can't change shape as drastically as normal changelings, they have to stay vaguely pony shaped. They still need love energy to survive like a normal changeling though.
This story is certainly something.
Greetings to you!
I'll start by saying that I like your idea for a story. I will definitely follow your work and comment on the next chapter. A little criticism, some encouraging words, and maybe suggestions on how to improve the details in the text, in this regard, you can count on me.
And now let's get started...
Take my word for it, your story can be turned into a masterpiece, but you need to start somewhere.
1) The chapter begins with a dialogue, and while reading it is difficult to immerse yourself in the situation. This means that you need to start with something else. For example, you can write in which city your characters are located, and in a more specific place than just a room.
That is, it would be nice to describe the details of the situation in more detail. Damn it... I'm even sure if you specify the time of year, it will give you a lot more advantages to create more spectacular scenes. Since this will affect the feelings and mood of the characters. There are more and more examples of how to use all these details every time.
2) You start your story, but again it's not entirely clear who all these characters are. Even if you describe their age and other details without making a "Documentary dossier" out of it, namely in a beautiful, literary language. Just don't go into too much detail. But if you could describe each character correctly, with a brief backstory, it would be just amazing. Even if you can describe in the text the peculiarity of your changeling mare (which is not a thoroughbred changeling), it would be even better! Then you won't have to give such explanations in the comments. However, just describing your story is not enough to do a better job.
3) Oh yeah! One more thing: If you pointed out the real reason why Wish is so keen to work in a strip club and go exactly along the path of this career, it would be something that showed you, as an author, at a higher level.
For example, Wish has been her dream since childhood, when she first saw her mother or older sister on stage... Or it could be an even more extreme reason. For example, she has a talent for this, but she urgently needs to earn as much money as possible, for example, to redeem her brother, who is being held hostage by local bandits (batpony). Let's have more will for your imagination and realize an interesting plot twist!
The other folder was labeled "informal" and contained every note, tip, and review left by those customers. A few were very nice, a few were unbelievably depraved, and some left only money.
This sentence amused me! I almost splattered the keyboard with saliva.😂
Actually from the "Gingerbread", I can say that sometimes I was amused by the dialogues of characters who behave like twenty-year-olds.
I also like this mare "Wish". So I expect to see something big and really well described in detail. Otherwise, if the chapter will consist of 95% of dialogues... then you can just drown in them, and a lot of questions will arise in your head... Eg: "What's going on anyway?"
In general, do not lose confidence in yourself, your idea is really good (although it may be even better), and continue writing the next chapter. You also feel free to write to me in a private message. In turn, if I have free time, I will try to help you in the development of the plot and maybe inspire you to something more.
Well, I'm also waiting for your feedback.
P.S. If you stop writing this story, I'll come to your house and kick your ass!
Does the Equestria of this story really have nanotechnology in it?
HAAA!!!! Bro, you finally posted the next chapter! And I have already managed to get gray hair during this time. I hope that at least my grandchildren will be able to read this story to the end!
11299098
No, that's just his name, and it can easily be used in a non-technological sense.
11299100
They might be able to if they're lucky
img2.reactor.cc/pics/post/full/my-little-pony-фэндомы-mlp-art-mlp-OC-4752685.png
It's a gift for you. (By the way, I also decided to introduce batpony characters in my story).
Try to enter a clarification.
waved hoof.
I liked this chapter. Truth. But I would like you to replace many pronouns with more specific names. Otherwise, when reading, the brain begins to get lost. Although, it is possible to understand who is speaking the dialogue, but sometimes it is difficult.
Well, I'll be waiting for the next chapter. Otherwise, I was already getting frustrated. Fuck, I've already written 52K words during this time.
11299162
The third chapter is already complete though, just waiting on a few things. Between now and the time the first chapter was posted, I've written about 8k words, which brings the total for this fic to nearly equal my first fic, which took me probably eight months to write (although non-seriously).
11299174
I don't even know your specific plan for the length of this story, but based on the fact that this is an "adventure" + a mature rating, then such a story can't just be short.
I have already told you that your idea has a good potential, if only you make an effort and "flight of fancy".
In this chapter, you have already been able to pay more attention to details, and this is good, unlike chapter 1.
By the way, you could specify the name of this user who read your text, but you need to do this as a link to his profile. I would be interested to see who this person is who also put his efforts into your story. And he would be pleased.
11299183
Nor do I, I just know I have a ton of ideas and this setting is the best for most of them.
I did, their name in the author's note is also a link.
Awesome update!
Hello, my friend!
And so, I will be one of the first to give my opinion about the new chapter.
For some reason, it seems to me that in the first part of this chapter, as if something is missing. Perhaps some actions are needed here to give this scene more interest.
For example, an easy demonstration of what Wish already knows how to do. And that should impress Guiana.
Think about the fact that you can turn simple chatter into more interesting scenes if you fill them with playful actions.
Wish heard an interesting musical motif and her body succumbed to the temptation to swing a little elegantly and teasingly and similar details... Maybe some customers were even able to notice it. Especially when she didn't see it, and carried away by the process, she began to wag her tail. After that, a conversation and a demonstration, one of the stallions will approach her and, after making a small compliment, will hand her his business card. In this business card, she will read the name of a certain chain of stores that specialize in selling erotic underwear for mares.
Do you understand my hints? If I were the author of this story, it would look exactly like this. That is, you need to support the "Adventure" genre if you chose this tag. The plot cannot revolve only in this scene. But this is what I hope to see in future chapters.
We need a demonstration of her skills, which will look like something that should impress Guiana. Not only that, just to have the desire to work in this institution, you need to show what she is capable of.
Have you decided to make a reference to the dollar denomination system? And I thought that this world should be different at least in this.
I already like the second part of this chapter more, especially the actions of the dancer who shoved money down her collar. The truth is that in such an institution, money is usually stuffed into erotic underwear. Well, don't tell me that you've never seen a pony in erotic underwear! Socks and things like that. All this could be described as part of the interesting details for the plot.
However, I didn't quite understand this point. Why did they need to count other people's money? Is it really that important?
I'm glad that this scene is finally over, and introduced me to some of the characters. All this naturally fuels my curiosity to find out this story further.
I will wait for the next chapter.
P.S. I hope you don't make me grow old before you write the next chapter.
11307632
I admit, the first part is definitely lacking. I probably should've gone through and added more before posting. The addition you proposed could've worked quite nicely, but I think I was very focused on ending the scene at that point. I do plan to brainstorm some more slice of life bits to decorate the breaks in and between chapters, so there will be more like what you suggested.
The fact that you feel this way means my writing is doing exactly what I intended it to. Your wish will be fulfilled very soon.
Midnight chose to count the money for a few reasons. Initially, it was to gauge if Jade was the great dancer that the abundance of paper money led her to believe. Although the obvious path to confirm something like that is to simply ask, Night's too shy for that. Underneath all this is her surprise at the potential amount of money there. While she was doing it to help her friend, she also had a personal motivation to go and adore it in person. When Nano arrived, he felt similarly, though his reason for not talking to the dancer was because she was still working. The whole reason they got any useful information out of that is because they got the attention of the dancer on accident.
Also, with that paper money difference, I was trying to imply that it's outdated, and the ponies that use it are likely older, although I don't know how well that got across.
Hey Phase, I like what I'm seeing here. The interactions between the three main characters are great and act as a fine way of hiding exposition while simultaneously expanding upon the relationships shared between these characters. The chapter felt well-paced.
I would like to comment that how you phrased some actions felt lackluster at times.
The sentence "Reluctantly, she proceeded, with Wish following closely behind." is a great sentence. However, modifying this excerpt to use less weak language would be preferable. For example: "Without saying a word, Nano assumed a smug expression once again and held the door open for the two mares. Midnight glared at him, suspecting he was covertly trying to tease her. ... Nano smirked and released the door, causing it to swing shut behind them as he followed the others up a flight of stairs."
Phrases such as "put on a expression" and "stared him down briefly" are exemplars of weak language. They are phrases that string together boring, common words in a non-descriptive way that doesn't really evoke emotion.
Another example of using weak language is within the excerpt below:
"Midnight lingered inside momentarily, pondering. She quickly threw some paper and pencils into a saddlebag and rushed to the exit, nodding gratefully to Wish who was still politely holding the door open."
Using simple words like this is a bad habit. Admittedly, yes, it is how normal people converse, but it does not make for an interesting or exciting read. Bear this in mind as you continue writing! It isn't a law, just a recommendation—an unspoken rule, of sorts.
11430377
Hey, thank you for the comment!
I absolutely know what you mean, I can confidently say I've gotten better about this with time, and if I do get around to rewriting this one, there will be far fewer examples of "simple language" throughout. My only exception is during character dialogue, for the sake of making interactions feel natural.
Still love Nano and Wish's interactions!