• Member Since 27th Aug, 2012
  • offline last seen May 16th, 2014

Whitestar1802


Professionally known as "The Brony". Just an artist who happens to like fics.

T

After another fight with Celestia, Luna has found herself in Ponyville. Mac's been working late to catch up on work that's been piling up. When the two meet, will this be a fairy tale, a romantic comedy, a story of two friends, or something else entirely?

Inspired by various KOKIA songs and Daily Lives of High School Boys.

Teen rating for very mild sex refferences in the third chapter.

Chapters (5)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 28 )

My first completed fic. I hope you guys like it, and I'm open to any critique. :scootangel:

Also, sorry for any typos I may have missed.

i1149.photobucket.com/albums/o595/moviemaster8510/Petey.jpg

XD Just kidding! But seriously, there's a LOT to fix, and this is JUST the grammar. I can't get into content right now, sorry.

the same bed he'd has since he was a kid. -> He'd had, not has.
On it's wings he felt -> On it is wings? Its. (Its is possessive, while it's = it is. :3 )
a wail float through the atmosphere -> ... Dayum. He can hear stuff that's going on in near-outer space?! DAYUM, SON! That's some great hearing!
he back turned to him. -> her
she was either taller or more slender -> She was either taller or skinnier? lol wut? How can he not tell if she's either taller, or skinnier? Those are two TOTALLY difference dimensions! XD (I should know. I know all about the ten dimensions!)
evening returned to it's normal state. -> its
Ah may not be a lord or prince, but ah know proper manners enough to know you don't just walk away from someone after you go up to 'em. -> You can't just throw a character's thoughts at us without a break, or quotations, or italics, or some indication that 'HEY! MORON READER! PERSPECTIVE IS CHANGING FROM NARRATOR TO CHARACTER! PAY ATTENTION!' (I mean, really, that's why there's quotation marks. because we're stupid people who would get easily confused otherwise! XD True story.)
tone," Howdy" -> tone, "Howdy." (Quotations are NEVER separated by a space. Never.)
beneath," We... -> beneath, "We
," Ah -> , "Ah
Why art thou not." -> ... She's asking a question. Use a ?
"Finishin' up some choores, -> chores
Umm....sorry." -> Ellipses have only three periods, and have a space after them. 'Umm... sorry.'
Of every possible reply he could have though, -> thought
"Umm, err..We -> "Umm, er... We'
she just snapped," Please stay back." -> snapped, "Please stay back." (Wow. Didn't know you could make a request like that a snap. (Sorry, now I'm just being snarky...)
"Uh, why?' he asked, to which she faced him and replied," We fear if you knew who we were, you would not like us any longer..." ->
... First, the ' after why? should be ", and whenever someone new speaks, they get their own paragraph. So it would be "Um, why?" he asked.
She faced him and replied, "We fear..."
she asked," Art thou sure?" -> asked, "Art thou sure?"
asked," Y'all -> asked, "Y'all
softly," Verily." -> softly, "Verily."

... Yeah, too tired to even TRY reading the other chapters, sorry. That was a lot to correct, and that was JUST the grammar. I can't even get into the actual content, as it were. Sorry.

That was truly a wonderfully chapter :heart::scootangel:

great story any sequel plan

1228238Umm....wow....thank you so much for the help. I knew I made alot of typos, but I didn't think it was that bad. :twilightblush: I'll try to fix it soon!

Edit: Aaaaaaand, fixed.

1229556 Maybe, I might if enough people like this. :raritywink:

1229666 in that case i hope they do

I'd say that was a pretty good story. +1 Brohoof for you.

*starts chanting* sequel sequel sequel sequel sequel

:flutterrage: MOAR! :flutterrage:
Well done sir :moustache:

1234619

Thank you! :twilightsmile:

1246373

:rainbowlaugh: Thanks! I actually do have a sequel planned, but I'm working on a few other things right now. Eventually though. :raritywink:

I lurves it, IT WARMS OUR HEART TO THE GREATEST EXTENT!

very d'aww but goddess is spelled with 2 d's I suggest using word or a program with spell check
good story though

I agree with Magical Trevor's grammar corrections.

An extra one: In the second to last paragraph (He smiled to her...come back tomorrow?"), you used the word "realise," and then "realization" later. Try to stay consistent. Either use realise and realised, or realize and realized.

As for commenting on the 1st chapter, it's okay as far as a story goes. There isn't anything in it that's particularly attractive in it, personally. Of course, first chapters usually set up a background, which can be boring, but I was wishing that there was something special that'd happen. :applejackunsure:

There was a part that made me smile, the part when Big Mac says "nice night," and Luna thanks him. And, of course, Luna's irregular, archaic speech always brings a smile to readers. :twilightsmile: However, there were some awkward moments of reading, such as whenever Big Mac would have long sentences of thoughts to himself. Big Mac isn't big on talking, we all know. He might think a lot, but just all that text showing up, personally, makes it a little awkward of a read. He talks quite a bit to Luna, a stranger, which is somewhat surprising/contradictory, in that, as previously stated, he doesn't talk a lot. Some people may find that a little difficult to get over, but there'll always be people who are haters anyway. :applejackunsure:

All in all, fix the grammatical errors that have been pointed out, and perhaps consider some revisions? I mean, being a first chapter, you really don't need to, but like I said, if it was up to me just reading the first chapter to judge the rest of the series, I wouldn't want to read the rest. BUT! I will read the others, to see if they get good! :twilightsmile:

1389443

Thank you! I'll try to fix all the gramatical errors, and I'm actually thinking of going back and re-writing certain parts and maybe even the first chapter. :twilightblush: We'll see.

Hey, so I finished reading this chapter too!

Grammatical errors:

1. Of course<,> fate would... (add comma)
2. ... as to suggest brin<g>ing in ... (you forgot the "g")
3. Just this morning<,> she'd ... (add comma)
4. ... she'd replaced her vanity mirror with <an> enchanted <one that made> those who looked <into it appear to be> like Nightmare Moon. (the sentence was odd, so I made some adjustments that hopefully help)
5. ... Luna said through grit<ted> teeth (gritted teeth, not grit teeth)
6. ... near Canterlot and <its> multitude ... (its, not it's. It's means "it is." Canterlot and "it is" multitude ... doesn't make sense. So, just "its." There are lots of the same mistake later on)
7. ... soaring through the night sky, <her> black coat ...
8. ... smiling on her as she flew to the <x> time of night <that> she looked forward to <far> more than her idle ... (just a suggestion)
9. Few realized it<,> but despite her two billionth birthday <being> a mere one hundred ... (add comma, and add "being")
10. ... still a carefree, youthful side of Luna <that> only Celestia ...
11. ... Luna's banishment for <one thousand / a thousand> years. (don't use numbers unless it's a random one, or a specific year, like 1950)
12. ... linger on that<,><"> the <Q>ueen of the <N>ight thought out loud<.> "After a long day, this night (or tonight?) is going to be ... (I changed the sentence structure, because it was a little weird, to: linger on that," the Queen of the NIght thought out loud. "After a long day, this night (or tonight) is going to be perfect.")
13. Maybe she just got held up? <h>e thought, ... (don't capitalize the "h")
14. ... starting to take <its> toll.
15. ... bags were forming beneath his eyes<x> and his ... (get rid of comma)
16. And somehow<,> these nightly ...
17. ... commented on how quickly and <easily> he'd <gotten> his <chores> and farmwork ... ("easily" is spelled with one "l", use "gotten" instead of "get," and "chores" is spelled with one "o")
18. Yet<,>
19. It made sense<;>
20. their everyday lives <every now and then>, and sometimes ... (this is just a suggestion)
21. ... his mere <presence> enough ... ("presence" is spelled with one "s")
22. ... Luna reali<z>ed (I've seen multiple "realise" and "realize" swaps. Stay with one and be consistent with it)
23. ... so<,> to <avoid> suspi<c>ion<,> the alicorn ... (add a comma after "so") (use "avoid," not "save," because you're not saving suspicion, you're trying to avoid it) ("suspicion" is spelled with a "c" and not an "s") (add a comma after "suspicion")
24. ...taking a <seat> just ... (just a suggestion, use "seat" instead of "place")
25. ... correct words to <apologize> for ... (use apologize instead of "say sorry," just a suggestion)
26. ... goofy smile and said, < ">We apologize ... (always put a space after punctuation, and there is no space between the beginning of a quotation mark and the first word: goofy smile and said, "We apologize ...)
27. She coughed, gasp<ing> for air, <as> the nice colt fac<ed> her with concern. (just suggestions)
28. Luna had her head down, so<,> fortunately<,> he ...
29. For once, he was useless<;> he couldn't do anything. (use a semicolon instead of a comma here because "he couldn't do anything" is a separate whole sentence that relates to the same topic)
30. ... the bug just< ... >flew out ... (be sure to include spaces between your "..."'s: the bug just ... flew out of her ...)
31. ... two seconds before finding <its> bearings<,> and<,> flying off<,> <its> flank lit up ... (yeah, lots of commas due to the way you structured that sentence)
32. Well ... <A>h rec<k>on that was ... ("Ah" should be capitalized because it means "I") ("reckon" is spelled with a "k," otherwise, it's "recon," which is a scout group)
33. ...Mac though<t> to himself. (not "Mac though to himself," it's supposed to be "Mac thought to himself.")
34. Luna said, still a bit dumbfounded. <x> She tried to compose herself ... (don't use the word "still" twice so close to each other like that)
35. ... tranquil surface <drew> her with <its> sweet ... (if you wanted to use "drawing," you'd have to connect that sentence with the previous sentence. It's just a grammar thing. Hard to explain)
36. <x> Luna took a step forward ... ("So it was that" just makes for an awkward sentence. Get rid of that)
37. ... stepped on a sixteen<->inch snake... (sixteen-inch)
38. She let out a shrill, ear<->deafening scream ... (ear-deafening)
39. ... as it started to curl up and open <its> fangs ...
40. Hmm <W>e suppose <W>e never asked ... (since "We" is in place of "I," which is capitalized)
41. At first<,> Winona ...
42. ... bit of a guard dog that <kept> wild critters ... (make sure you're using the right tense)
43. With a bit more tugging<x> and a few orders ... (don't use a comma there)
44. That didn't mean the end of Luna's troubles<,> though.
45. Oh<,> thou MUST ...
46. ... as if the pain <was> just a bit ... (pain is singular, not plural)
47. ... eyes shut and waving his <leg / hoof> to keep ... (because ... ponies don't have arms)
48. Please, trust us<.> ("trust us" is not a question. It is a command, which can either have a period or an exclamation point. I decided to have it as a period, but it's up to you)
49. The <stallion> opened his good ... (ponies are not humans. Boy refers to humans)
50. ... horn against his cheek, warning him<,>< ">This may ... (again, a quotation mark issue. It should be: Luna pressed her horn against his cheek, warning him, "This may ...)
51. The two let out sighs of relief<-> Mac<,> happy that the cut was gone, <and> Luna<,> pleased that ... (just, the whole commas thing. It's needing help)
52. Some call me Big Macintosh, other<s><,> Big Mac, some<,> just Mac. (eeyup)
53. "I see<.>" Makes sense<,> she thought ... (separate the spoken part with her thoughts, and use a comma after her thought)
54. (for it <had> entered her ... (suddenly, using "has" changes the tense / perspective of which the story is being told. Stay consistent)

Well, hopefully those help! :pinkiehappy:

As for my personal commentary on the story, I find it rather dull. :applejackunsure: It's still setting up background information of getting to know the characters a little better, but even still, it's just really uneventful, not to mention really awkward. The dialogue and actions that happen between them are, in my opinion, not realistic and true to the nature of the characters.

So, to sum up, I'll read just one more chapter to see if it picks up, but if not, I'm afraid that this particular piece just isn't for me. :fluttercry:

1. ... leaves broke the con<s>tant wall ... (constant, not contant)
2. ... and soon<,> Luna would ...
3. <...> Until she was ... (the sentence "until she was brought back to reality" doesn't work unless there is a "..." before it)
4. ... of imagination <that> only Discord ...
5. ... appreciate <its> beauty.
6. ... twenties, lemon<->yellow with a curly<,> brown mane ...
7. Wonderful, after <one thousand / a thousand> years ...
8. ... reflecting off his brow<,> as he said,< "> G-Good afternoon<,> Your Grace.
9. ... this ... is 'Tree of Life<.'"> (proper quotation usage)
10. ... Tree of Life<,> while ...
11. ... figures had no shadows<.> Instead<,> their forms <were> defined by subtle ...
12. That was half the truth<,> at least.
13. ... two ponies embrac<ing> beneath ...
14. ... a stallion like Mac, <with his warm body, taught muscles, scent of musk and apples> ...
15. Ugh, <W>e fear <that> this ...
16. Point is, it was a pretty picture. Moving on. (this is really weird in that all of the previous text never speaks directly to the reader)
17. ... she wondered before some<pony> asked ... (somePONY, not somebody!! We're BRONIES! haha)
18. ... think of this one<,> Your Majesty?
19. ... nudge<,> as she said, < "> (as she said, "I think you ...)
20. Suddenly<,> every eye ...
21. ... looking at the sex<->addicted artist ...
22. (who was now not<->so<->subtly staring ...
23. ... nobles, Luna <x> knew she ... (I think there's an extra space here)
24. ... until she explained<, "> (again, the quotation mark problem)
25. It's unlike anything <W>e have ...
26. In fact ... <W>e would find ...
27. Klimt just stood with <x> wide eyes (impossibly? Weird word choice)
28. ... to Tia and our<selves> like <W>e are ...
29. ... are shepherds<,> Luna thought ...
30. ... shallow nobles <whom> she ... (ponies are like people, not objects)
31. Luna suddenly reali<z>ed (just make sure you're consistent with whichever you choose)
32. ... Everfree Forest had found <its> way ...
33. Of course<,> Applejack ...
34. ... had it handled, but<,> knowing her<,> it wouldn't ...
35. ... in her own world, but<,> at least Spike said, "Hey<,> Mac."
36. ... and asked<, "> So ...
37. "And Applejack...?<"> (you used an apostrophe instead of a quotation mark, haha)
38. ... she said knowingly<, "> Right ...
39. In an instant<,> a cloud ...
40. ... as he asked<, "> Miss ...
41. ... as she assured him<, "> What?
42. ... back last year. Reali<z>ing (consistency)
43. ... and shouted<, "> You take ...
44. ... questioned his sister's choi<c>e of friends. (with a "c," not an "s")
45. Not surprisingly<,> she just ...
46. havin' to work all day<,> Mac thought. (comma after thoughts too, just like quotations)
47. Wha-!? I swear<,> <D>ad, Fluttershy ...
48. ... a few steps closer<, "> Ah heard ...
49. ... scheduled for awhile, and-<->" (there should be two dashes (--) here)
50. ... holding back a yawn<, "> Sounds kinda ...
51. ... Dash said<, "> Oh ...
52. ... escaped Mac's lips<, "> So ...
53. ...flew wide open<, "> What ...
54. "Ah mean<,> Sweet ...
55. Gotcha<,> was ...
56. ... as she verbally beat him<, ">Now wait just one ...
57. ...smiling at himself<, ">Ah'll ...
58. Once again<,> Macintosh ...
59. ... line of work was<,> he spent <a lot> of time thinking. (comma issue) ("alot" is not a word. It is "a lot")
60. Thing is<,> so much ...
61. Come on down<,> little guy<,>" he heard ...
62. It was soft<x> and fragile, and Mac ... (no comma needed there)
63. One<,> much smaller than the rest<,> was ...
64. other ponies here<,> he thought.
65. Or just pretend she ain<'>t there? ("ain't" is a contraction, even though it's slang, so there has to be an apostrophe)
66. Maybe <A>h should ...
67. ... January if <A>h left ...
68. If she saw me, <A>h might ...
69. ... there was a <five> to <one> ratio ... (use words, not numbers)
70. That mare <whose> name ... ("who's" means "who is." "That mare who is name he didn't know" doesn't make sense. "Whose" is possessive)
71. That mare whose name he didn't know <x> had that spark, that ... ("she had that" makes the sentence awkward)
72. ... as her night began to dominate the <x> sky. ("night sky" is redundant)
73. ... resemble some sort of "art<."> (punctuation always goes inside of quotation marks, except for some question marks)
74. ... looked like chariot accident (what does this mean??)
75. ... an older <mare> in front ... (girls are human)
76. ... the first replied,< ">We tried ...
77. ... hear it. Now<,> my ...
78. ... tea and said,< ">You'll ...
79. ... hated most asked,< "> Do ...
80. ... upon our return<,> Luna thought.
81. ... Luna's would be too<,> if she didn't ...
82. ... need to wait <for> another day. (suggestion)
83. ... through clenched teeth<,> she ...
84. ... replied,< ">Indeed, <t>hou acts as thou<gh> ... ("thou" is like "you" and isn't capitalized) (as though somepony ... , not as thou)
85. ... Faust herself,< ">The <mare> has ... (girl = human)
86. ... corrupting a <?> of Equestria (lady, perhaps either way)
87. ... as Celestia said,< ">That's ...
88. ... normal voice,< ">You don't see any <> problem with ... (need space between "any" and "problem")
89. ... as Luna replied,< ">No. Regular ...
90. Thou may not see it<,> Prince Blueblood ...
91. If the <foal> is ... (boy = human)
92. ...'common' ponies <We> know ... (stay consistent with We and I)

Wow, lots of errors in that one too! :fluttershbad: They're mostly the same error, but still, they're tedious to get over. In future ones, I hope you fix those off the bat. :applejackunsure:

As far as the story goes, there still isn't anything catching my eye. I was hoping it would get more into either the shipping or the comedy, but both are lacking, I feel. :applejackunsure:

For now, I'm going to discontinue reading this series, "Another Ship-Fic." But if you still want me to keep reading it, because you feel the later chapters are better, then I will. :twilightsmile:

But keep up the writing! Thanks for letting me read through your stories! :pinkiehappy:

Thanks for the Randy Travis reference. Made my day using one of the greatest love songs ever written.

Don't listen to the joker below me he's mad that this story got mad skills and your a genius for making it so awesome!

1393128 What!!!!! You dont like this! WTF!!!! Meh fine then miss out on the best thing since the wheel then!

the Elements of Haromy

um yea.

Nothing like a sweet little LunaMac ship fic to round out the night.

You really should have called this chapter FALL after what you did to poor Lulu.

Excellent you should consider some kind of sequel:moustache:

Omg I want mah pie too.. :ajbemused:

SEQUEL SEQUEL :flutterrage:

I want mah pie too :flutterrage:

This story broke my cuteness-meter! Encore! Encore!

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!