In an alternate universe, Slenderman has decided to set up shop in Equestria, making his first target Twilight Sparkle. This story documents the disappearances of the bearers of the elements of harmony. No longer One shot due to overwhelming positive reaction.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Tracking....
Creepy, horrifying even. Slendy has been in Equestria before, even the Rake and BOB. And hory shet this was intense.
How did she send the letter?
Add more i love it
1225997 Magic!
oh crap... equestria does not have $20 bills
1225960 BOB? Really? You would think a more well known Creepypasta monster like Jeff the Killer or something would make it into a fan fic before BOB
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holy shit. i didn;t read into...it... past the stuff on the somethign awful forums, for obvious reasons, but HOLY SHIT
I think you should continue this. Forever.
Story was good. Minor spelling and capitalization mistakes. Nothing too "OHMYGOD THIS RUINS EVERYTHING"... -ish.
1226308 Ben too.
Had a few issues at some points. Misspellings, and this one thing that kind of bugs me...
"Even to this day I cannot place a finger on it"
It doesn't make sense for her to have fingers, does it? Mostly minor things. Will favorite because it's one of the few things involving Slenderman that hasn't made me want to gag lately.
-Cheers
1226602 Well Ben I can kind of believe since that one is so well known, but I'm still having a hard time believing BOB, unless you have a link to said story.
Regardless, I don't think any other creepypastas have the same potential to make good crossovers that Slendy has.
oh... I have the chills.
Nice! Watching, as is he....
1226862
The Rake crossover I read was great. Like Stephen King great.
1226862
I am currently writing a Smile Dog-MLP crossover. Also wrote this thing, though it has not a thing to do with creepypasta. It gives my friend nightmares.
Please, write more of these
Sorry about the Misspellings and capitalization errors, as well as the whole "finger thing". But to be perfectly honest, i pulled this entire story out of thin air in about two hours, including the poem. and seeing how i thought it was going to be a complete flop i just kind of wrote it off. however ...upon seeing this mass influx of positivity, I now feel obliged to continue this story.
I will never dream of taking a stroll in the Everfree Forest with Fluttershy again. Good sir, I think it is safe to say that you are a genius. A geeeeeeeeeeenious. BUT. I will never feel safe again .__. Somepony help me... Its bad enough I live in a wooded area that is always foggy
I'm to scared to read
Fantastic piece, I always love me some Slender Man/Mane! Especially after seeing a fantastic Slender Mane at Dragon*Con this past weekend.
1225997
She probably had just enough time to send it with her magic. Even though Spike is the one who does that. Maybe she used an apparition spell befor meeting her demise.
Guh, Slenderman fic? I don't see how he's scary...
*stares at image*
...I stand corrected. That is the single creepiest thing I've ever seen.
Stare at him for a long time. Your eyes will blur and he'll look like he's taking over the fucking screen. And breathing.
Remember, that which breathes is alive. That which is alive can kill you.
...whatever the hell you do, don't blink. If you blink, he'll STEAL YOUR FACE. Or something. Whatever it is he actually does once he catches you - I always thought he slowly erased your face (hence the static on your screen) and turned you into another Slenderman/Slenderwoman/Slenderwhatever.
It's too late for me to read any Slenderman fanfics - I'll read later. Last thing I need is to dream of Slenderpeople. Yes, plural. I'm convinced there's more than one.
Five out of four RDs for giving me nightmares before I've fallen asleep.
1226331 ROFL!
Here have 5 bits!
*Gives Fluttershy two bits and three buttons
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This was well-written aside from minor grammatical errors. The only issues I really have are where our opinions on mythos differ, but it's impossible to please everybody.
You should continue this, it could prove to be a chilling read.
Well, that was disturbing, especially after reading your reply about pulling that poem out of thin air. Makes it that much more creepy. I feel the same as many others, interested in seeing more, if you're so inclined and inspired.
Please keep writing, I'll keep reading! (If this cold/flu/infection/microscopiclungrapist doesn't murder me to death)
Just debuted with it's first chapter, and it's already on hiatus.
Eh, going onto my read later list. I could read it now and sleep, but I don't feel like it. And yes, I can sleep after this. Ever read Lovercraft right before bed? I have, and it's some weird stuff.
1227549
You do realize how much power that gives them, making it even more likely that they'll come into our world, right?
Firstly: OH GAWD I THOUGHT THIS WAS GONNA BE FUNNY. The cover art threw me off.
Secondly: HOLY SHIT THIS IS GOOD. Aside from a few errors, this is amazing. KEEP GOING DAMMIT. I want to see how you write the others.
Thirdly: When you do finish it, would you mind if I did a reading of it?
Brilliant work. This was really very terrifying. The end actually really frightened me, as though right before finishing her letter her sanity broke completely. We MUST see Princess Celestias horrified response to this letter.
1227014
That's still no excuse for not proof reading it.
In the end it wasn't bad, but the language seemed pretty informal. That, and there was a massive amount of errors:
First bold:
1. Doesn't make sense.
2. The letter is addressed to Celestia, you should not refer to her in third person.
Second:
1.Why is Luna moving into the sky? Perhaps, something about not seeing the light of the moon would be more appropriate?
Ponies have ...FINGERS?
These three should have capitals.
Not necessarily incorrect, but maybe anypony would be a better fit?
anyone works too since not every equestrian is a pony :/
1228829
That's real nice and all, however, Ive already caught on to the mistakes that you seem to so generously point out. Seeing how i had virtually no confidence in this fic, it was really just an idea i had to write out, that gives me all the reason in the world to write informally and without proof reading, i was just writing to have fun, and to play around with an idea. Now that I know people really want me to get serious about this my proofreading is going to go up likewise. I was going to edit out the blunders that i did make, but seeing how you have already done that for me I will just let you ride upon your high horse so you can parade around. That being said, good day.
1228911
This is what I get for trying to help? Part of being a writer is learning to accept critisism without resorting to being aggressively or defensive. You can justify your story's faults, but that doesn't change the fact that they are faults.
1228885
Thus the "Not necessarily incorrect".
1228947
Too be honest, I should really apologize brah, I haven't slept in two days, and that will put anyone on edge. so that being said I do apologize for the overt aggression that I presented. And I do Appreciate the grammatical pointers. but in all honesty, i think i will leave them in there to provide testament to how i have grown as a writer.
1226862 That is 100% true. Slendy is the only Creepypasta that actually makes some sense in other universes.
As for the story, I like it! Keep writing.
1228975
It's all good.
1229421
Well, nit-picking is what proof readers and editors do. My comment was only mean if you read it in such a way. Go back and imagine someone reading it angrily, then reading it cheerfully. Both interpretations work, its only a matter of how you choose to take it. In reality, that comment (and this one), were written calmly with no hateful thoughts toward the recipient.
1. Yes, the finger thing did need to be corrected, because they are ponies. Ponies, that by nature, do not have fingers. Ponies, that by canon, do not have fingers.
2. Just because it isn't a traditional grammatical mistake doesn't make it immune to critisism. That one was merely a suggestion for possible improvement.
3. I see pointing out faults to the author as helping. A fault, no matter how small, is still a fault.
4. Addressing your point on the formal language. The way I interpreted her was scared, not insane (earlier on, at least). To show how far into madness she'd fallen, I'd have started it out polite and formal like any other of her letters, the slow let those elements drop and added the insane ones.
And if you really want nit-picking, then how about this:
I listed three capitalisation errors, which you agree with, so there were no other "legitimate" faults, right?
...right?
Have a good day/night.
-Sparklight
Yay! Looking forward to Celestia's reaction to Twilight's letter, if you ever have her read it.
Saving this for tommorrow when its daylight cuz slender at night *shudder* i dun have 20$ because they are not my currency :/
No! Fuck you Slender Man!
Why choose Fluttershy first?
I am perhaps one of the only ones who hates the blending of Slenderman (Actually, I think the entire genre is over-used. It's reminding me of the "Blair Witch" fad.) with everything. It's a very disposable character for diappearances. You could replace each and every scene with simply 'the character vanishes mysteriously' and have it be even MORE disturbing given that there is NO cause visible.
Author, you mention that you don't have a plot fully worked out. I would caution you to do so before you proceed. Without a direct, clear vision of where you're going with the story, it will fall apart.
Random vanishings do not a story make, a purposeless monster cannot support a longer narrative. The questions of why Slenderman exists, why he's now in Equestria, and why he's targeting the Bearers are of paramount importance to the story's center. So far, we've only see brief glimpses of sudden disappearances and the inexplicable fear generated by the monster (Frankly, I find this sudden fear of the character very melodramatic and ineffective. Slenderman always is presented as inspiring this intense dread and somehow the victim knows 'he cannot be stopped'. How and why? Is he telepathic? It's the great weakness I see in the entire Slender genre. It's a fear without a source. The fear of the unknown can only be played upon for so long in a story before it becomes blunted, repetitive, and apathetic.) As such, and given the short chapters, I can't rate this, nor could anyone who is genuine in literary criticism. There's nowhere near enough narrative to go on. If anything, these two chapters together might be enough to form a prologue.
Fuck my brain blew up ._. um... I don't think i want to sleep for the next few hours now
I really enjoy this story, but I hope it won't be the Mane Six getting picked off one by one then nothing. A little solution, like Celestia saving them would be cool. I know it looks a bit simple, but I hope this will have a good ending. Keep it up
If you are looking for more inspiration, google marblehornets. It's a youtube account, and has real documented* evidence of the mental degradation of those who come into contact with the Operator.
*ARG's or Alternate Reality Gaming, has a rather large tendency to not be real. This does not stop it from being magnificently done.
(after googling it for myself, there's a lot of random stuff between you and youtube. Have a link instead: Introduction
Really enjoying the story. Although I think you should add an extra chapter where Spike recieves a letter from the princess. On the letter is her last words as Slender takes her away
I have one little nit to pick... concerning the reactions of the animals (skip to "selective visibility"). While it is said he kills animals that interfere with the hunt, that would only give them a reason to want to get out of there yesterday. The random hatred towards a caretaker seems... out of place.
Other than that, still a good chapter/story, and I can't wait for the next one.