• Member Since 20th May, 2020
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Next Stop


Formerly known as YourUncleFuncle

E

Fluttershy is getting ready for a party when she is informed that one of her best pigeon friends, Kiwi, is severely sick. She then seeks out the help of Pigeon Mare, a hermit pony in a shabby green building in Ponyville who spends all her time with pigeons. Despite Rainbow Dash's warnings, Fluttershy begins to form a trust with the stoic mare and tries to show her that ponies aren't so bad.

Based off the Hey Arnold episode Pigeon Man. I love the episode and its message, and the only part of this story that I feel is a complete rip off is the end, but it's so beautiful I couldn't help myself.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 10 )

This is really wonderful story! Something in this story remind for me of the start MLP:FiM - pleasant moments of the slice of life and some good words, which creat a true friendship! It's sad that the incident brought back negative images from the past to her memory... Of course, she and Fluttershy become good friends, but I had hope they relationship will develop something more.

10437071
I don't know if there will be a sequel honestly, although it's not out of the question :trixieshiftright:. I love writing these slice of life stories, and I have a few ideas planned, so thank you very much for the amazing review! :raritystarry:

10437689
Sequel? I think this is already finished story, just a bit sad on the end for me. I will wait for other slice of life stories)

10438101
My next story actually comes out tomorrow, although it is not a slice of life, but if you liked this one, I pinkie promise I have some slice of life ideas on the way.

This was an enjoyable read, one both heartwarming and heartwrenching at the same time. You did a great job of portraying a pony who has lost (almost) all hope in ponykind and sought solace in her animal friends. Contrasting her with Fluttershy made for a great emphasis of this. I see that NovemberDragon already commented on this reminding them of the first episodes of the show—and I agree, this was a very pleasant slice of life, one that I’d say was above the show’s quality and handled the issue at hoof in a more mature way.

With that said, there were a few things that prevented me from enjoying the story to its fullest. Most of these were wording, grammar or spelling issues—odd use of prepositions and particles, incorrect comma placement, some unnecessary repetition, capitalisation or lack thereof, and some incorrectly used forms of verbs, most notably the “-ing form” which basically serves as an adjective and not a true verb—thus sentences with such a verb cannot stand on their own. There was also a rather large amount of long, complex, run-on sentences. None of these read really well, the best way of dealing with them is simply splitting them or shortening them and adjusting accordingly.

Some spots were also rather heavy in exposition and telling, most of these could be cut or reworded, and all would be fine. Also, one particular spot that stood out to me was Sassaflash recounting her tale. It was one huge paragraph of uninterrupted speech. I suggest breaking it up into smaller chunks and adding some body language here and there. That should make it far more impactful :twilightsmile:

Thank you for this story!

PS: One more thing. I suggest using the horizonal rule tool instead of a bunch of hyphens between scenes. Its advantage is that it looks the same no matter the size of the screen:


10474903
Yeah, this was one of the few stories I didn’t read through first to check for that stuff, mainly because I was in a hurry that day, so I’ll go through and proofread it myself. I’m glad you still liked it and I’ll see what I can do to make it better. Also this was before I learned to use the hyphen, so sorry about that :twilightsheepish:

10475108
No need to apologise, it’s fine :pinkiesmile: Good luck with the proofreading! Also, if you don’t want another person to look it over, then you might consider looking at the suggestions in Google Docs or using the help of a similar editing AI. It’s not perfect, but it can catch a lot of errors.

10475117
Thanks for the advice, and I’ll probably find somepony to proofread eventually, but for now I think I’ll be fine.

10475126
No problem, and I understand. Let me know if you ever need anything. I know quite a bunch of editors around the site, so if you are ever in need of one, I’ll gladly point you in the direction of someone fitting the particular task.

10475130
I might take you up on that one day! Thanks a ton!

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