Baa-Ram-Ewe!

by Darkonshadows

238. Oh Rats.

-Equus, Ponyville, Tianhuo-

“Then they were beaten senseless by it.” I stated dryly. “The entire entire unit.”

“The guards of this Equestria...” Fœnum Tianhuo stated with a shaking head. “How does one even begin to lose a fight with a mouse that badly? It's not a rat.”

“Yeah true, but they are what we have to work with, doesn’t help that our economies stabilization is going poorly." Fizzlepop stated with a dull look in her eyes.

Something flashed in the air above us and we all prepared for anything, given that this was Equestria… anything was definitely a given. What dropped down in front of me was a device of white and gold, there was a note on it.

“Object from Arceus, checked by Longma Goddess Jiutian, immediate delivery to one Tianhuo of Equus. Object is currently in charging state, wait half a day before attempting to use?” My confusion was wondering who Arceus was, but that the longma goddess of love and war was involved had me quite curious. “My goddess sends a strange boon from another after checking the veracity of whatever this object is. I shall hold on to it, this object must be of great importance.”

-???, On the road towards the castle, Pom-

“So… who are these guys again?” Our group had expanded to have four more Wooloo for a total of five, all of them annoying.

“We’re the Wooloo of Geoff’s unit!” The four Wooloo stated. Two male and two female, one the females then decided to add. “You have a nice taut butt, will you marry me!”

“Darn it, I should have notice her butt first!” One of the male Wooloo stated tears of self-loathing clear on his face. “I’m so sorry to have failed you beautiful lady of wonderful wool and exquisite long legs!”

“Again, are all Wooloo really perverts?” I asked lazily as two of them continued to pull a cart with our supplies.

“All Wooloo, no exceptions!” Geoff and his four Wooloo people stated proudly, before Geoff added. “Arguably our females are even worse than the males at times.”

“Also, no, I won’t marry you, because I don’t know you that well.” Why am I the target of the perverts of the plains? Oh right, they refuse to target children or teenagers… which is actually a noble sentiment once I explained to Geoff why hitting on any of my traveling companions would make me kill him.

The threat just made him ask if I would be killing him in a lurid manner. Geoff just… wouldn’t… stop.

Wooloo looked cute, but when they open their mouths it’s always a complement, a pick up line or, on rare occasions, actual conversation that doesn’t involve horrible attempts at trying to be endearing to just about anything that moves. I’m almost beginning to think it actually is quite literally everything that does move.

“Can we go out to lunch together sometime?” The same female Wooloo asked while in a perked up state.

“No.” I stated with a flat and bored tone

“Awe.” The female Wooloo received a pat on the back from one of her male companions.

“Maybe she’ll say yes tomorrow?” The male Wooloo stated in a peppy manner.

“Tartarus no!” I yelled at them. “I’m beginning to see why you’re people would be called the 'Extremely Persistent Perverts of the Plains'.”

“That’s ‘exceedingly’ persistent, we don’t do extremes.” Geoff stated loftily with his head held high.

“Me killing you in a manner that you would find enjoyable isn’t extreme?” I asked flatly.

“Huh, well as long as you enjoyed the experience too, I’d be happy with it.” He… he can’t be serious right?

“Oh my goodness… he’s actually serious Pom.” The look of horror currently on Ocellus’s face was soon mirrored by mine, Smolder, Dolly and Shanty as we all might have come to the same conclusion.

“Your faces kind of looks like other Pokémon whenever I tell the story of one of us Wooloo sleeping with a Muk.” The other female Wooloo stated with happy go lucky attitude.

“Wait, one of us slept with a Muk, who’s the lucky Wooloo that did that?!” The second nondescript male wooloo stated with excitement.

“I did, I told everyone how nice it felt to be covered in that warm gooey embrace, almost died from the poison I got from it too, but it was worth it!” Continued the second female Wooloo with good cheer. “Took a while to clean off the gunk, but my goodness did that Muk know how to suffocate someone!”

“Lucky.” The three other Wooloo and Geoff stated.

“Back to units and less about all of your weird perversions, because I don’t really think I want to know what a Muk is if it’s extremely poisonous and one of you somehow managed to survive sleeping with.... whatever it is…” After a pause to think on it. “Is the mortality rate of Wooloo really high by any chance Geoff?”

“No… we’re quite hardy as Pokémon and are highly resilient to dying, why?” Geoff tilted his head as if wondering why I would even ask that, for some reason I didn’t believe him. If it were true, then accidentally getting him killed might be harder than I thought. Not that I would tell my traveling companions that I would ever try to actually plan something like that, a plan would mean it was no longer an accident… a possibly happy one. “In any case I admire you’re intelligence and wondrous resolve to learn more about us Pokémon!”

“Ooh, suave move noticing her brains Geoff, I think we should be writing this stuff down!” The second nondescript male Wooloo stated. “Also I kind of want to be crushed by a Miltank now after hearing about that wonderful Muk thing…”

“Ocellus… please tell me there are other intelligent beings out there we can talk to… and I mean actually intelligent to a degree that isn’t seemingly entirely bent on sucking away my will to live!” They were all chipping away at my sanity.

“Just about every animal around here is kind of pinging as emotionally intelligent… which I am beginning to suspect are all also Pokémon…” Ocellus couldn’t get any farther when Geoff interrupted her, we continued down the road towards the castle through the green grassy plains.

“You’d be correct, most being on this planet are Pokémon and Pokémon are intelligent. I mean we’re talking right?” Talking does not actually mean intelligence Geoff, you’ve definitely taught us all that within the first ten minutes… no, wait, too generous, within five minutes of meeting your unit. You still haven’t explained them and why they just started hauling our stuff for us without question. “Anyway Pokémon come in all shapes, personalities, sizes and powers! We’re in the region most known for its large number of normal type Pokémon.”

“Normal… right… if you’re the normal around here, I think I might want to run screaming.” Sarcasm was apparently lost on the Wooloo when nondescript male Wooloo one commented on that.

“You look like you’d be pretty good at running fast, I bet you have a lovely screaming voice too!” Male Wooloo one stated cheerfully.

“Anyway, on this continent Pokémon form battle units, usually numbering six, to build elite squads to defend or protect our territories in small skirmishes or to solve small issues in a given area. In a full blown war, the leader of the kingdom can ask any willing unit or volunteers to lead an army into a fight. Usually a unit with a variety of strong Pokémon will have more options to deal with offensives. Our unit is overly specialized in one area of expertise, which for us is defense, but we’re okay with that as we know each other very well! Units can also invade other territories, which our kingdom doesn’t do at all. We’re more for the diplomatic side of things because we don’t have the Pokémon power to survive protracted skirmishes or a straight up war against any of the surrounding nations. Many a Pokémon loves a good battle, though a full blown war is not something we the peaceful and highly perverted Wooloo would like… we take into consideration all the beautiful Pokémon that will be seriously hurt by all the fighting.” Here, Geoff looked off to the side at a fluffy rabbit that lazily looked our way and then just went about relaxing. “Like that Buneary for instance. Our kingdom is kind of… not the best on the offensive. We only have like two or three active units at a time, our civilian population is way larger than that, aside from food production the people of this kingdom are kind of lazy. Technically we have one military unit that does two jobs. No, before you ask, we’re not the military unit we’re a simple militia unit. The last unit is our kingdom leaders unit… which consists of a single Pokémon right now.”

I sighed loudly.

“What is it Pom, aside from all stares and them hitting on you constantly?” Looking to me and across the plains at the many weird creatures living here in peace or doing some farming as she padded down the road, Dolly seemed to like the fresh air and I can tell she wanted to talk. We had learned a few things about how the familiars of her world work and we needed to get that cleared up between us. We passed some Pokémon who were building something that looked like the framework for a grain silo when Dolly chuckled loudly. “It’s kind of funny really.”

“The horseshoe, I can see it dropping soon.” While my statement might not be immediately understood by Dolly, it was safe to say that Shanty, Smolder and Ocellus definitely had. “Quick question Geoff, but what does the military unit entail and what is it currently doing?”

“Well the military unit is both the entirety of our navy and infantry combined… which if it comes to war we’ll be relying on six Pokémon to protect our entire kingdom, but they are really strong Pokémon. Have you ever seen a Skitty… no wait you wouldn’t have. Did you know that you’re attractive when you’re worried? Anyway, our Military unit consists of five Skitty and a Wailord. That’s four male Skitty, the female leader of the unit and a male Wailord which is the husband of the unit’s leader named Wilhem. The Wailord Wilhelm is really our only naval unit and he’s in charge of our military when combat involves open water. Most likely to occur to the southeast of our kingdom where water Pokémon thrive. To think we can have the stuff to build ships, but no Pokémon to actually use them. Also, we’re not right next to the ocean so our navy is actually quite decent for what it is.” After pausing to look to the sky in thought, Geoff finally got something and nodded. “I forgot to tell you, the military unit commander’s name is Captain Skeeball. She’s friendly, has a lovely singing voice and is really good at negotiations, which is where she is. She hasn’t seen much combat, but she’s not a pushover from is known… though many a Pokémon who live here peacefully seem to think she’s a ditz and is incredibly random.”

“Who’s you’re kingdom’s leader?” Who apparently counted as a unit unto himself? Had to be strong to keep people like these yahoos in line.

“Evan the Eevee, really young and has no leadership qualities whatsoever. Still, right or wrong he is the good and just leader of our kingdom that hasn’t actually asked for much.” Wonder what this Evan did to earn his title? “Of course he was the only one in the kingdom to show up for the position of leadership when we needed a leader and put out feelers for someone to take control of our region, so he was put in charge immediately when we asked if he would like to be the leader and he said ‘sure thing’. I mean sure it’s a bit random to pick the first Pokémon that showed up at the castle initially looking for help, but it’s who we got. Maiden Jigglypuff is the one keeping our kingdoms economy together so she very well couldn’t take the leadership position, she’s Evan’s advisor and is not hard to understand.”

“Is this entire kingdom run by idiots by any chance?” If I think I understood the character of Wooloo by now, enough so that I know they wouldn’t lie about this.

“Yes, but we don’t mind, we really aren’t the brightest Pokémon out there… that’s more for the psychic or steel type Pokémon kingdoms thing. We’re more about those who have the heart to actually try, being a small kingdom isn’t easy.” Geoff for once wasn’t making a pass at me, color me shocked. “Though with someone like you around, we will appreciate your existence even if you aren’t going to help our kingdom. We’re just helping you to the castle because you’ll be guests, wonderful ones even considering you are great conversationalists!”

“Halt or you will rob us!” A group of four purple rat creatures and one dark furred one, all with curled tails, ran to block our path forward. We could see the castle from here, but from what Geoff said of the military… there’s likely no one coming to help us if these guys were a serious threat.

They didn’t look like much and I couldn’t take them seriously.

“By that logic, we should keep going so we don’t. So get out of our way please.” Saying this as if I were speaking to a little foal, the rats got out of the way as we passed them by. “So what were those?”

“Rattata, among the weakest of normal element type Pokémon… except the dark furred one appeared to be a normal and dark double typing variant of the same kind of Pokémon. Four male and one female, I can’t actually tell what they were going for there...” Geoff was our expert here, so were we relying on him to know what’s what? “The dark type Rattata is likely more dangerous than the other Rattata, but... he doesn’t come off as bad to me, more misguided maybe? You haven’t seen what fights in this world are like yet, but I wouldn’t want you to get hurt if that’s what they were trying there. They don’t seem the type really.”

-Dark Rattata-

“Uh, Teeth... boss… weren’t we going to rob them?” One of my minions stated.

“…” I stood there contemplating things. “Let’s move to get ahead of them again… and we’ll do it right this time!”

-Pom-

“Halt, we’ll give you all our money!” This was quickly becoming a thing with this rodent, I can already tell.

“Okay!” Shanty said with a gleeful grin while rubbing her hooves together.

-Dark Rattata named Teeth-

“Hah, see, I knew we could do it!” I said proudly.

“Boss… we just gave them our money… all of it.” One of the purple Rattata stated.

“…” It took me a moment to realize why that was a bad thing. “After them we need to try this again!”

-Pom-

“Halt, can we please have our money back?” These poor Rattata things were so confused, I slowly rolled my eyes and turned to look at Shanty.

“Don’t be cruel.” I stated succinctly.

“Fine.” Shanty grumbled while crossing her hooves over her chest. “Could be buying so much rum with that…”

We gave them their money back and continued on our merry way.

-Dark Rattata named Teeth-

“Uh…” I looked to the female cohort.

“What?” If she had something to say about how that went…

“Weren’t we going to rob them?” My female cohort gave me much to think about. “I don’t feel like doing it anymore, I mean they are really nice people… couldn’t we just ask them to help your sister?”

“After them!” I said immediately. “I’m going to do something right today or so help me…!”

-Pom-

“Halt so we can basically do untoward things to you like stealing and stuff!” We were basically outside the castle, no guards in sight.

Yep, I can only begin to guess what Arceus has in mind for us already.

“Hey again guys. We know you are doing the whole highway bandit routine, but this is getting a little old. Can we not?” They all looked sad after I said that.

“Besides why would we hurt such wonderfully bright purple Rattata like you… also you’re leader is a hunk woo!” Geoff… can you even turn off the pervert thing for a minute?

The ‘Dark Rattata’ one actually looks serious this time, that or constipated considering the amount of concentration he was probably putting into keeping his brain working correctly.

“Okay after a few false starts, I challenge all of you to a unit battle!” The Rattata stated while pointing at us. “We get all your stuff once we’re done knocking you out!”

“Let us handle this, I am Cleric Geoff and this is my unit… what are you calling yourselves anyway handsome?” At least it wasn’t directed at me as Geoff and his Wooloo took up defensive positions in front of the wagon they’ve been using to help haul our stuff. “We will fight first, then them should we fall. We want this to be 'relatively' fair.”

“Oh, thank you! You guys really are nice, instead of just piling on and pounding us into the dirt. Anyway my name is Teeth and these are my minions! I guess I’m... a brigand… maybe?” How are a bunch of rats going to fight sheep? I was feeling really sorry for Teeth here. “Why do you constantly complement me?”

“Because you look to have gathered quite a unit of good friends, I mean that one Rattata female in your group smells really nice in particular and that one looks like he could chew through anything!” The female Rattata in question blushed at Geoff’s complement and I groaned. “I’m worried about your health too, because it looks like all of you only know Scratch, Growl or Tail Whip. My team is made up of clerics trained in defense and it would be kind of bad for you if you couldn’t even hurt us and just ended up hurting yourselves trying.”

At least Geoff had one thing going for him, he was chivalrous to a ridiculous fault.

“Does that count as a charm attack, has combat started?” Teeth asked seemingly checking out mentally to think on things. “Attack them, once we’re done with them, we’ll destroy the second unit and the stupid cart they are relaxing in before taking everything, also I know the move Bite!”

Know the move Bite? Probably a curiosity of this world we don’t know anything about yet.

The five Rattata charged forward.

“Unit Command, Electro Ball Volley!” What happened next was a bit of an eye opener, as Geoff and his four companions quickly built up and then spat out large balls of raw lightning energy out of their mouths.

Teeth, having reacted far quicker than his companions by diving to the ground and covering his head with his front paws, escaped the electrical explosions.

After the glare from the explosions of energy cleared up, I just stared blankly at the four twitching and fried Rattata on the ground. Okay my assessment of the threats of this world might have, where needing to be able to do something like that was a thing, just jumped a mile from that one display.

“Whoa… I thought they were just going to… I don’t know what I thought…” Dolly said after a minute of trying to come to terms with what we just saw. “It certainly wasn’t that.”

“Whatever Dolly just said.” Followed Ocellus nodding blankly.

“We’re considered an official militia unit for a reason... we… are… so sorry that we had to do that! Can you ever forgive us for hurting you like this you poor beautiful things?!” Geoff, they are trying to rob us. They might be doing it poorly, stupidly and even unapologetically, but they are still trying. “Tend to them.”

“The fight is still on, bite!” Teeth yelled and lunged opening his mouth wide and a dark colored construct of teeth formed and moved with his biting motion.

“Protect.” Geoff stated sadly as he angled his left shoulder forward taking a defensive stance. The energy trying to assist Teeth shattered and his real teeth bounced off the barrier and made him flop onto his back. “Can we please stop now, most of your unit needs help…”

“Never, I want at least one win today!” Teeth shouted pointing a paw at Geoff.

“You’ve already won at least one thing, my compliments to your wonderful ability to keep going!” Geoff stated with conviction.

“Is this how every fight in this world is going to go?” Smolder asked.

“Hope so, because things can only possibly get much worse from here.” My statement was met with worried looks.

“Scratch!” Teeth leapt forward with a glowing paw.

“Cotton Guard.” Geoff stated calmly, his wool puffed up to double its amount in a second and the glowing claw did negligible damage to it.

After taking the hit the wool pulled in tighter and looked to create a defensive mesh like mine does.

“Take me seriously and fight back, I have something to prove here and I need to help my sister! Tail whip!” Spinning around, Teeth started slapping his tail against Geoff’s wool.

That didn’t seem to be doing any damage at all, but it did seem to be loosening the defensive quality of Geoff’s wool.

“This is nice, I don’t have to do any of the fighting for once…” Which was the only saving grace in this situation considering Geoff seemed quite competent in handling Teeth alone, whereas the rest of his unit were gently tending to the Rattata and feeding them strange large blue colored berries. “Also it seems like they know what they are doing too… surprisingly.”

Geoff suddenly started singing out of nowhere and apparently his voice was creating physical notes in the air.

“I hope this doesn’t hurt you much, I’m not one to lose my touch, with my loving peaceful heart, it was you that this fight did start~.” The sound of Geoff’s singing seemingly struck Teeth with physical force sending him skidding backwards, that even made Geoff wince as he tried to weaken his singing a bit. “Can I please appeal to your better sense, so that we may better recompense, my Round attacks aren’t too strong, but there is no way that you will last for very long~.”

Having withstood the sound based attacks Teeth growled, but didn’t look too willing to continue to pursue the fight. After taking notice of his friends conditions, he sits while looking at the ground.

“I…. I give up!” Teeth started crying, but Geoff gently walked up to him, picked him up and gently hugged him.

“You’re a wonderful being to have stood up to so much from me.” Geoff stated simply.

-Castle-

Verdant plains of grass and farms of vegetables surrounded a small two floor castle with an equally small wall, we went through the entrance and immediately solved many of our current problems.

“Hey brother what are you doing here, did you get into a fight again?” Apparently Teeth’s sister was fine. “King Evan was nice enough to help me feel all better, he was even going to help me look for you too!”

“Hello and welcome visitors to the kingdom of Aurora! I’m deeply sorry if you have had any issues with the general idiocies from any Wooloo in coming to our humble little castle.” The little brown fox was adorable, he also sounded like a child. At least he was a fairly intelligent one… and he was looking at me. “There’s something about you that I like!”

Comments

[Booster Spice]

Geoff would be down and out when faced with a Salazzle?

Nice electroball though.

Would it be intresting if Pom had the Ability, Scrappy? Meaning Ghost types would get a real suprise out of her?

Skitties and Wailord? Im suprised Geoff didnt explode just thinking about it.

And here comes the King, Evan Almighty? If they are this freindly, theyre going to end up a Sylveon?

[Herald of Opera]

11336643
Partner Eevee can't evolve.

[AllenVth]

A Wailord and a Skitty? I mean, it's not impossible, they can breed. Just try not to think about it too hard.

That Electro Ball Surprised me, but Pom and Co. have only scratched the surface of what Pokemon can do. Just wait till they see Hyper Beam, as an example.

Arceus was right, Pom can easily dominate a world with her ability, and apparently Eevee counts as dog-like that he's already swayed to her side. Which of the three friendly evolved eevolutions will he go with? I go with a Sylveon.

[Herald of Opera]

11337141
Nah, he's Partner Eevee from Let's Go, because even a figurehead of a Normal-type nation should absolutely never be allowed to lose that type.

[AllenVth]

11338141
Oh shoot you're right. I mean, unless he's able to find a replacement of sort so he can leave freely evolve.

[talontitanbane]

“You’d be correct, most being on this planet are Pokémon and Pokémon are intelligent. I mean we’re talking right?” Talking does not actually mean intelligence Geoff, you’ve definitely taught us all that within the first ten minutes… no, wait, too generous, within five minutes of meeting your unit. You still haven’t explained them and why they just started hauling our stuff for us without question. “Anyway Pokémon come in all shapes, personalities, sizes and powers! We’re in the region most known for its large number of normal type Pokémon.”

As a wise man once said "the ability to speak does not make you intelligent"