Baa-Ram-Ewe!

by Darkonshadows

126. Trained to Die Hard.

“So… do you really think this is enough to stop me?” The fifty or so armored psychos pulled their guns on me. “So you have chosen pain.”

“I hope you have unicorn insurance.” Fred stated loftily. “THIS IS GOING TO BE FUN!”

“Do you really think you can take us all on at the same time?” One of the psychopaths asked. “The McShooty clan laughs at the possibility!”

“My dear Ollie has had harder fights, TRUST ME.” Grinning at Fred’s words I summoned ‘The End of Pain’. “By the way after we’re done beating the literal psychosis out of you or end up somehow making it worse, at this point I don’t think it will make much of a difference on this planet, WE’LL CONTINUE ON TO RUIN HANDSOME JACKS DAY!”

“Pandora is fun, but we should really deal with the eldritch abominations you sensed here.” I stated with a cheerful demeanor. “So when we find and aid this Butt Stallion we heard on the echo device, do you suppose we should help her come up with a new name?”

"Why, I THINK SHE’S FUNNY FOR KEEPING IT OLLIE!” Thus the mauling of people who were clinically insane began.

“Remember, if you have arrows, you have to shoot me in the knees!” One of the McShooty clan members stated happily.

-Earth, Kansas, Near Train Station, Dolly-

“Pom better not fail to catch up… she has all our food.” I stopped spun my skateboard around picked up Rhino in his hamster ball, plopped him on the front of my board and stomped down on the back end to send him flying onto the rear of train already in motion.

“Why are you not more worried about her being shot again?!” Mittens seemed panic, totally understandable when we have mercenaries breathing down our necks.

“She only took two hits, one was a shot to the chest where she has her stitches.” A bullet whizzed by us as Mittens and Bolt hopped onto the train, it didn’t hit the train or any of us at least. I popped up onto the back and slung my skateboard around from to stand in front of the others defensively facing the rear. “The sniper that had missed several shots forced Pom to take the other hit, but she thankfully got hit with the impact, Dormarch took the actual hit. It’s probably better that she’s drawing more fire than us, because she can actively dodge bullets while we can’t.”

“Oh this is all so awesome, I’m experiencing a real getaway sequence with Bolt!” Yeah, I really didn’t care if Rhino took a bullet. Still might feel bad about it for a few seconds though.

“You’re not worried about Pom catching up?” Bolt asked from behind me as I was nearly knocked over from a bullet bouncing off my skateboard turning into a chunk of scrap metal as it did so. I’m glad I braced against that, but that still made my body ache.

“Hey, they call her Leap Lamb for a reason!” It wasn’t for the leaps of logic, she could literally jump and run far faster than this train could move until it was up to full speed.

-Pom-

I ducked behind a decent sized tree and silently apologized for using it as cover as it was struck with multiple bullets. I really didn’t have the health for another confrontation like this so soon after Africa, especially not with my heart problems.

There was some wonder as to how these guys found us, but I’m pretty sure they spotted us heading towards the train station or at least saw me out buying food. So far there didn’t seem to be one of those snipers in the area, but I had suspicions.

I turned around and clambered up the tree slightly, two guys soon turned from both sides of the tree and aimed their guns at each other. They quickly lowered them and I reached down with my front two hooves and slammed their helmets into one another with incredible force, shattering their faceplates and knocking them both out.

I really tried to not care about the faces underneath, I didn’t want to focus on them as they were trying to hurt us. A cat and a mongoose, at least we were safe from snakes. I picked up both their guns and slung them over my body as I quickly made my way for the train.

Three guys were trying to run after the moving train and were firing on Dolly covering our three traveling companions.

I unslung one of the guns and swung it around by the strap and spun my entire body into sending it into the side of the rear guys in the helmet. The gun broke apart as it took their helmet off and they were thrown off their feet. I could see they were down and I quickly kicked the falling gun with left rear leg up into the back of the guy on the left throwing off their aim as I unslung the other rifle and, holding it by the barrel, brought it around to the feminine figure on the right and snapped the gun in half on their torso.

The person on the right, now sitting on the ground, tried to react by pulling a weapon from their hip with their left hand, but I was already leaping up and performing flying buck to their helmet before they could aim it at me.

I used the buck to kick off the person on the right’s body and slung out the strap from the weapon I recently grabbed. It wrapped around the left guy’s right arm as I shot by and behind them.

With twist and a tug, their right arm was brought behind their back and I let go of the weapon to physically grip the arm with my front hooves.

“What the…” The guy didn’t get to say much more as I heaved and slammed them face first into the ground in a painful looking display of brutality. I really didn’t like doing this, but I sincerely hoped that was enough and not too much.

I looked towards the train and started to inhale as I ran after it, I exhaled and leaped to hit the top of the rear train car.

“Up the ladder guys, quickly now!” I crouched down as several bullets whizzed by and I saw something starting to give chase to the train as it turned onto the tracks behind us. “What is that thing?”

“That Pom, is an APC. An armored personnel carrier, ground transport that can take a lot of external damage. It has enough room inside for specialized gear and ten people with little comfort. Whoever is after us this time apparently gets military contracts.” Dormarch responded from Dolly’s new skateboard strap as he could barely see some of the view of what’s going on. “I would not suggest attacking it directly, you’ve already put too much stress on your body as it is from what little fighting you just did… wait… Is that a rocket launcher?!”

A hatch opened on the APC and a guy popped up with a long tube that fit the description from the last world when used against large dangerous machines. He took aim and before he could fire a red spot splash over his suit and he fell backwards as he pulled the trigger and his rocket shot up into the sky.

“What the, what just happened?!” I asked I kept low looking about and thought I saw something on the water tower in the distance as the train was picking up more speed.

“I don’t know, but I think we might have more than one group of people out to get us and they are competing!” Dolly shouted up to me as Bolt and Mittens hauled Rhino up onto the roof of the caboose, she quickly put her skateboard on her back and went to climb the ladder. “Which is actually kind of cool and good for us…”

-On a nearby water tower, Tobias Rieper, AKA Agent ‘To-Buy-Us-Reapers’ 47-

“He’ll live.” I just readjusted my aim and fired, taking out one of the tires on the vehicles and it wasn’t enough to stop it, but I just gave them some serious doubts about chasing the target. “Possibly not for long though if they didn’t bring a medic, I incidentally missed the heart by a millimeter.”

“Just keep those mercenaries off of Leap Lamb and her traveling circus as well as you can before moving out Agent Forty Seven. You have a job in Colorado and after you are done there you can return to seeking out this particularly strange target.” I nodded faintly at what I was hearing and took aim to fire another shot. I squeezed the trigger and damaged another tire to slow the APC down. “Be warned that Caper Canine might be able to control and use animals as spies. Even a hamster like the one you spotted can be a dangerous early warning for them, beware of that when it comes time to make an approach.”

“I would like to state that they are becoming far more trouble than they are worth.” Not that I wouldn’t try to uphold a contract if told to. “The mercenaries tailing them aren’t related to Sabu Taj and the teams she used in Africa.”

“Sabu Taj hasn’t smuggled herself into America… yet. I’m still tracking the situation.” That was good news, I wouldn’t have to watch out for exploding vehicles for the time being. “Information reads that those are the Shred Tread Mercenaries, an ex-military group with access to things normal mercenaries might have problems getting hold of… like actual bargain bin tanks. They have no personal aerial vehicles, but they are always good for ground pursuits. Heavy weapons and armor are their thing, they’ve been hired to kill the target at all costs. They are even being paid hazard pay on anything that happens to them should they fail. Needless to say they weren’t told about the targets capabilities before engaging or more importantly didn’t know. Hold up Forty Seven… they are going to perform aerial drops on intercept course with the train, they hired a subcontractor for some sky diving fun as a cover for dropping onto the train in case their APC assault fails. It is up to you whether to pursue them or not, I believe Leap Lamb to be capable enough to deal with them for the moment from here.”

Caper Canine was going to be as much trouble as Leap Lamb with a bullet proof skateboard and limited combat ability possibly taught to her by Leap Lamb. Speaking of Leap Lamb, she looked towards the water tower with narrowed eyes.

I have doubts I could really take Leap Lamb down when she was fully alert. There was no way to make it look like an accident with how fast she could react to environmental stimulus, given she can actively dodge bullets. Targets with brains and brawn to match were always the worst, targets that could also dodge bullets at short ranges… extremely tricky now that I’ve seen someone do it.

Targets with backup like Caper Canine were even worse, mostly because I actually liked animals. There was also the fact that Leap Lamb may have spotted my position again, she has some uncanny senses well beyond my own.

At least they were heading in the same direction I was, I carefully stowed away my sniper rifle and packed up my homing briefcase to start climbing down the tower.

-Pom-

Someone slowed down the APC, but that didn’t mean our problems were over as it was still managing to keep up with us. That just meant that there was more than one group out here to get us. Dolly was the last to come up and the ladder looked a bit wobbly, so I held it place until she climbed past me.

I pulled on the ladder and it tore free in my hooves, I quickly let it go into the path of the APC and slowed immensely when the rusty ladder went up between two of its wheels.

“That was close.” Dolly, don’t say any more words, I beg of you. “Hah, how are they going to catch up to us now huh?!”

I looked up and towards the front of the train.

“Dolly, do we need to have another talk about tempting fate?” She looked at what I was looking at.

“Oh… sorry Pom, ugh, my aching body. Who knew deflecting bullets off my board would hurt so much and now we have to deal with them dropping guys onto the train!” As Dolly pointed out I could see several parachutes in the sky ahead of the train.

“Not the first time this has happened to me.” I’m now remembering jump pack assisted lizards and a transforming death train, hopefully nothing like that exists in this world.

“So do you need me to help you with that?” Dolly seemed excited to get into a scrap, I just looked at her bandage nose and tail and sighed.

“No, I have to deal with them. You, Bolt, Mittens and Rhino should get to safety, maybe figure out a way to deal with that APC thing.” I started making my way for the front. “Keep everyone safe Dolly!”

Today was just another very dangerous day to be me.

-Five minutes later, Dolly-

“Is it still behind us Rhino?” I asked as I tied the leashed around my skateboard strap which bound me to my board. I got the front door to the caboose opened and was now inside waiting to do something fun.

“Yes, and I think it’s catching up!” He shouted from above.

“Not for long it’s not!” I was inside the caboose and ready to pull the break on the car. “Hey Bolt, Mittens, you ready?!”

“Give us another second, almost there!” Bolt and Mittens were decoupling the car in front of me, once they finally did so the car started to drag a bit by a few bits that were still connected.

“Rhino, start moving your caboose if you want to live!” I watched as Rhino leapt from the top of the train car Mittens and Bolt were on. “If there’s one thing I’m really good at… it’s causing a mess!”

I would normally never be able to do something like this because of Dylan, AKA my brother Captain Safety Pants, unless some extreme circumstances warranted it. My current aim would be to cause a huge accident on purpose for a good reason.

The brake was innocently sitting next to me, I grinned madly as I grabbed it with both my paw while standing on my skateboard and pulled it quickly. This would cause the accident I was currently seeking.

Simply put, I’m the canine purveyor of destruction, madness and making huge messes, muwahaha!

The entire caboose, sad that there were so few of these left in the world according to one of my little brothers interested in trains that I halfway listened while bored out of my skull, ripped away and I was pulled out of it through the front door by the leash tied to me and my skateboard. With a quick turn of my board, I was grinding along the rail, doing more damage to it than my board.

I quickly pulled myself forward to the train and, as I popped off the trail onto the train with Bolt, Mittens and ‘that other guy’, the sound of a massive collision could be heard happening behind me.

Looking back I saw that the APC tried to veer out of the way, but it had been going too fast and the damaged wheels from that mysterious shooter weren’t doing it any favors. Both the Caboose and the APC created a huge mess of twisted metal as they collided, the end result left the APC on its side with a half destroyed caboose on top of it, it was no longer a problem thanks to me.

Heh… that APC now had a large butt sitting on its face!

Something flashed by drawing our attentions.

“Huh? A body in a bush?” It looks to me like Pom was busy up front.

“You guys find a safe behind me, I’m going to see how Pom is doing!” I slung my skateboard onto my back and started climbing up the ladder onto the top of the train.

-Shred Tread Merc Chuck ‘Wood the Woodchuck’-

“Holy crap, the target can move around like a freaking Xenomorph from those movies!” I was a very brave, cool and collected social individual and I was the very best mercenary on my team. “Game over man, game over!”

“Get a hold of yourself Chuck Wood.” Steve, I’ll have you know I had complete control of my faculties… despite the slight loss of bowels when Triflay got thrown over the side of the train. “So the target has some monkey skills.”

“I have a hold of myself and absolute control of my voices volume!” Sounded right to me at least, I was wonderful in letting everyone know I’m doing fine after managing to land on the moving train. Two of our guys missed and landed in trees, four of us made it and I don’t exactly think we were the lucky ones.

We were luckier than Triflay at least, she got dragged down by her leg and the target reached up with a long spearing leg to hit her helmet and slam the back of her head against the top of the train. This also subsequently bent Triflay’s spine to a painful looking degree from the blow, before being tossed off the side and the aggressor crawling away as we fired like an expert team of mercenaries we were.

That was before we could actually do anything or even get our bearings.

I’m pretty sure every single one our bullets hit and the fact that there was no blood was not the portents of our imminent demise or anything, because we were so accurate with targets that could move like lightning.

Our target quite literally scurried along the side of the train, now we know she could come at us from any direction and two of us were watching the sides. While I, Chuck Wood the woodchuck biped, bravely led the team while watching both the front and back.

“It’s too quiet…” Steve, you should never say those words.

“I have an idea, what if she comes at us from above?” I mean it’s not likely, but when it comes to these situations it’s always the least likely possibility that happens.

“To do that our target would have to be capable of leaping at least…” Steve was cut off because… oh god she’s on me, why were my bullets flying into the sky wildly?! Wait… where is my gun? Oh-no-no-no, I don’t want my face hugged, I don’t want to give birth to an alien!

Felt several sharp pains across my body… I’m so checking for alien eggs after this after a particularly painful hit to the kidneys. I soon felt sharp jerk on my arm and went weightless free as a bird… then my body slams into a tree with an impressive and godly amount of force that knocks it over.

For am I the king of cucumbers and my land is made of pimento rafts covered in the tomato sauce of winter’s blood feud with the guava fruit! Fine am perfectly I!

-Shred Tread’s ‘Steve the Marine Otter’ that has never actually been in the marines-

We could hardly react before Chuck was on his back screaming and taking several debilitating strikes to the body as the target rapidly trampled with all of her legs. His gun was kicked away and we couldn’t shoot as the target grabbed his arm and swung him around trying to hit us with him.

As we stumbled and ducked back out of range of the swung body, we had to watch as she launched him off the train into a tree and then she ran forward and dove between the cars as Frent fired a burst from his rifle after her.

“Damn it, Chuck got chucked, back to back Frent!” The only guy left went back to back with me and we held our guns at the ready sweeping around for where she would come from next. So to that end we were looking both upwards and downwards.

Why didn’t we get any information about the things our target was truly capable of? She looked innocent enough in the photo to take out when we took this contract! At most we knew she was good at running or else we wouldn’t have been hired for this horror show.

“Where is flimsy limbed ragdoll?” Frent was shivering or was that me shivering? Hard to tell when you’ve been rendered to the only two left on the active team and you just saw one of yours get taken out by a sky bounding sheep and your APC is reported as being destroyed by a caboose.

“Do you think she left?” I seriously doubted it, but one could seriously hope though. “I mean, we’re just standing here on top a train and nothing is… happening.”

“A bit afraid to move.” You weren’t the only one Frent, she couldn’t possible get both of us without us getting a bead on her. At least the train wasn’t moving fast enough that we’d fall off, but I was getting wary.

We heard the sound of a dog barking and immediately turned towards it with our guns, we didn’t see a dog and in the next second we didn’t see our guns when a pair of hooves kicked them out of hands.

Before I knew it the white blur was slammed me away from Fret with her shoulder, I stumble back and towards the edge. She circled her hooves around, bringing them together and thrusts them both into my chest sending me flying off the train in pain…

-Fret the Ferret-

I would just like to say, that I’m glad I’m good at kickboxing!

Raising my left arm as she swung, I blocked her right swing. She launched her rear left leg up and I caught it in my right hand and then I tried to move either limb to counter and found myself stuck in place. She had pressed the length of her left leg against both my legs and I now found I couldn’t move.

She pinned me in place?!

“Sure I cannot move, but neither can you!” I stated brusquely as she somehow glued us both in place. “So what are you going to do?”

“Woof-barka-arooo*!” What?! I turned my face into being slammed by the rear of a skateboard knocking my helmet off, the sheep sent her right rear leg up into my chin twice and I felt my jaw crack like glass before being let go.

I tried to regain my balance only for a skateboard slammed into my left heel throwing me even further off and the flat of the skateboard smashed me into the stomach.

-Pom-

“Dolly, I was hitting them off the train safely!” At least he looked like he landed okay after Dolly’s attack. "Well at least as safely as possible."

“Er… whoops, my bad.” Dolly looked slightly cowed and then she grinned. “Hey, at least nothing exploded violently right?”

An explosion went off somewhere behind us in the distance.

I slowly turned to look at her flatly.

“Eh heh…” She just grinned, used her skateboard to prop herself up to lick me, then skated off. "I'll go check on that!"

I sighed and followed after her.

-APC-

It was a sad state of affairs.

The rocket that had went up, eventually came back down on the wrecked APC.

They just lost all their supplies.

Author's Note:

Translations for *: Bow-Whaka-Wow.

This story now has 25% more mook horror show thanks to this page.

Comments

[Herald of Opera]

Oh hey, Face McShooty has a family! That was a hilarious sidequest, especially if you're Anarchy Gaige and forget that you can reset your Anarchy stacks with a manual reload.