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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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With how short this chapter is compared to others, this was a great chapter! The increase in descriptors allowed a greater clarification to be given, and made it feel like from another perspective, one who is rather observant.
Also, the static and ringing noise was a reference to Slenderman, right? I would describe the sound as a low pitch, strong feedback sound, but that is from the perspective of a human who knows what feedback noise is.
Keep up the good work!
I don't know if its because we all know about reformed Starlight but flooding her with 300 years of memories seems over the top , she'd get similar results by just giving her memories of Tirek and Twilight's cutie mark's significance.
a short chapter but needid to be short to show just how good this scene is. at least now starlinght will know how bad she messed up and im now curious if discord of this world ability to detect magic spikes is able to be used by tirek and if so dusk is in troble as im pretty sure her memory spell could be classed as a high level spell.
also i was curious a few chapers ago when dusk seemed to confuse her memorys of twilight for her own (i dont rememebr where it is) but was that just a fluke or are you planning something intersesing about that
10456197
By "keep up the good work", I mean keep doing well written chapters such as this one. I don't mean churn out chapters as fast as possible, because:
1. There would be a drop in quality, which would be a shame;
2. This is a fanfiction, and thus a hobby. If you want to write a chapter a day, week, or month, that is your prerogative. Us Readers have no right to demand more chapters from you.
10456197
The static was actually a combo of Slenderman and Alastor the Radio Demon of Hazbin Hotel. So while it did have some elements of the feedback noise, it was predominantly the TV/Radio static described here. Since the only one of the three who knew what feedback noise would sound like was Duskfall and she was...occupied, the description reflects this.
I'm glad you liked the additional descriptors. It was a struggle to do in this chapter because I had already completed the chapter and then sent it in to a beta reader just to see if the horror bits with Duskfall were good and they suggested the added descriptors to add some more punch to the scenes. I'm not entirely sure what my plans are from here. I could either save the extra descriptors for special chapters like this one or upgrade to doing it all the time. I could also just go back to my usual format, depending on additional feedback.
Hopefully if I do choose to continue with the greater descriptions, it'll be easier because I'll be incorporating them into the original chapter as opposed to crowbarring them in afterwards.
This chapter is giving me some very Alastor-like feels. I feel like he'd approve of Duskfall's actions in this chapter.
10456208
It was supposed to be over the top. Duskfall's been under a lot of pressure and with the added considerations that she saw a Tirek who has almost certainly killed another Twilight, I felt it only reasonable that someone with a history of instability like Duskfall would have a freak out. There's also the off chance that whatever remains of Sombra is also affecting her judgement.
One must also realize that in the Changeling dimension, Starlight actively killed ponies, something canon Starlight never did. So comparing this Starlight as a one to one with her canon counterpart might cause sympathy where none deserves to exist.
It's a complex issue all around and obviously there will be fallout for it.
10456209
Remember, by this point Tirek has betrayed Discord, so Duskfall and co. don't have to worry about Discord detecting Duskfall's freak out.
If you point out the specific incident, I may or may not reveal more about Duskfall possibly mixing up memories with Twilight.
10456219
That is very much part of what I was going for and I'm glad it was noticed. When Duskfall embraces her Insanity, there are three modes she likes to default to.
Mode 1: Self-Destruct mode as seen in The Road to Healing
Mode 2: Happy go-lucky batshit insane mode as seen in this chapter and took some cues from how Alastor presents himself.
Mode 3: %&*#&^$#*@*$6@*$)!
If Duskfall goes into Mode 3... I suggest putting your head between your legs and kissing your ass goodbye.
Honestly like the description oh the world static going on with the world slowly becoming a static like blur.
Suggestion for making it more “insanity” Like. If Dusk does a different voice perhaps change the speech for the voice
Normal at the beginning since seems she is sane and at the end change it to a demonic/insanity type deal. Or also change text size some could help if you want to try it.
Example maybe to mix it up?
“YoU wiLl bE”
“yOu WiLL bE”
“yoU wiLL Be”
Little stuff to up the creep factor when talking to make it seems it’s a different entity talking through Dusk.
Another description could describe her voice as an echo cutting in and out maybe? Think more of a haunting echo/repeating voice would be more “insanity” like instead describing it as a demonic voice. Mostly believe it would fit with her theme instead of a demonic entity
Great story’s by the way like how it’s going with it.
10456232
I bet it even put Junkos despair to shame
10456225
Oh, she killed even though they're different dimension. I do hope Dusk remembers that tibitt and make her remember she's a murderer..but i still like this Starlight repent instead of getting killed or stoned.. Maybe the guilt alone will be her punishment
1) and 2) were both successful, Dimension Traveller! Well done!
10456238
I like the suggestion of messing around with things like capitalization and so on. When I type up chapters like this where a character slips into a distorted voice, I usually like to mix and match fonts like Chiller and Blackadder ITC. Unfortunately, unless there's some trick I've yet to learn, Fimfiction only takes in certain fonts. None of which I find visually distinct enough to convey the pure mind shattering tones of their voice. I suppose I just gotta work within the limitations of the system.
If you could be so kind as to look over the edits, I would much appreciate it.
10456241
Yeah, like I said, I'm not gonna insta-redeem this Starlight, but she won't be stoned or killed. In the Dead World chapter, someone will give Starlight a stern talking to she'll finally start listening to. From there Starlight is basically going to be under house arrest by Duskfall until further notice.
10456267
I'm glad it all worked out.
Loved it, but I wonder if Starlight really found herself in Dusk memories or just a part
10456298
Starlight has everything, but her mind hasn't processed all the new memories yet. Duskfall was pissed, but despite how much she played it up, she didn't actually want Starlight to go insane, (An insane mare can't appreciate her crimes or pay for them) so reinforced Starlight's mind to be able to handle the deluge of new memories without getting swept away in them.
10456302
So, not really related, but this scene flashed my head, not sure if it was what you were thinking with Dusk
this is what you call poking the bear isnt it, though that sounds too tame and it doesnt have nearly the same level of retribution
10456315
I actually haven't watched any of the .hack, but the last 8 seconds with the background is more or less the image I had in my head.
10456318
This was a concert of unfortunate events for Starlight. She legit couldn't have wished with a genie for a worse moment to provoke Duskfall.
10456284
Those edit it felt more intense I think with the change of the text also. Dusk felt more like she was losing it with the different style going into it. Only issue may be the
one going through everythingi think. Few words work well but, a full sentence can make it just little hard to read. Think if you go for it again just have it for short speech of maybe 5 words or using a name.Tried a small edit of your updated edit. Mostly for fun to see the different options to use from the comment edits to see how it looks. Think an idea like this works great for the insanity part. It’s a bit of work but, I think it looks better with how the words move around and change with it.
“iSN'T THIs GReatStarLIGHt?! N0WWE KNow EVErYThinG aBOut EacH OthEr! ANd You'LL REmembER EvERY lasT sec0ND of IT FOREver! THis IS WONDerfulL! IsN't IT, StarliGHT?! isn'T it?! ISn't It?!” Duskfall continued to stare into Starlight’s eyes, impossible grin
10456346
Its a wonder she survived this long if she didnt have the intelligence to realize that a goddess of insanity and darkness probably didn't have the happiest backstory. I believe this falls into the ballpark of honorary darwin award were
10456353
This looks a lot better coming out the other side with your recommendations. Thank you!
10456389
To be absolutely fair to Starlight, at this point Starlight was under the impression that Duskfall was actually Twilight and thus still the Alicorn of the Magic of Friendship, just going through a "hissy fit" like Luna did. Starlight thought all of Duskfall's claims of being the Alicorn of Darkness and Insanity were basically Twilight being a Chūnibyō with an edgy backstory she wrote for herself.
10456393
Adds a lot more depth to her personality I think for sure. Little more confusion reading adds to it. Like how you had the colors split halfway through 2 of her sentence in the speech.
I forgot to mention on the edit I had for example. I change some of the “O” to “0”. Im kinda iffy on most letters. It can add little to much confusion if half the letter turn to numbers. But it’s also going with the insanity of it so maybe it could work?
There is more to causing chaos with writing “Substitute” letters too add onto confusion. If you do plan
E=3
S=5 §
L l or I i = 1.
L=£
C=( [.
A=@
Y=¥
Some ideas I seen other authors’ use. If you do use them suggest keeping the letters like L and i same through out the speech to avoid confusion them for the other. Mostly since lower and uppercase can be mixed up on certain Fonts I think. Otherwise avoid the L’s and I’s
Loll1pop Or 1o11ipop = Lollipop ( if you get what I mean)
Edit: Future stuff if you try and show that side more think it would work great. Sorry if it’s a bit overboard. But glad the suggestions helps portrait her insanity more Through her speech
I like the extra description put into it. Keep up the good work.
10456428
I'm just grateful I've planned Insanity Speech to only be a once in a blue moon thing, otherwise all my time would go into messing with all the little touches.
10456437
Thank ye kindly! I'll be doing more of it in the future if these comments are any indication.
Yeah the small edit I did took like 5 minutes. Using an iPad as well so bit of a pain (Was fun seeing the edits I did for the more insane look) But I imagine this story is near the end before she enacts on her plan.
Not sure what will happen but, my guess if you do have her go for the insanity speech. Tirek will see it once during the fight.
Dead world we probably won’t see it. Imagine it’s more the talk with starlight being told off maybe on a more level headed Dusk and again back home from the other princesses maybe.
And I’m not sure what you plan for wrapping up for this chapter of the story at the end. But I imagine she may go off slightly if she ends up arguing with the entity at the end questioning them. So at-least 2 more speech’s I think may show up maybe.
Overall looking forward to it. Take care of yourself first though. Not going complain if you need time for rest first before finishing it up.
you know what be extra salt to the wound? Let starlight have her 'my faust, what i have done' moment when she met Sunburst again, especially after how he told her he is ashamed he couldn't live up to their expectations . She killed ponies for her misguided ideals while her best friend was struggling with his own talent. That be the final knife twist to open her eyes to all she had done
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I only have one more insanity speech planned for Shattered Souls. Not quite sure how many will show up in Book 3 though. The insanity speech was just Duskfall being so beyond done with all the BS and seeing Tirek again and then Starlight presented herself as an excellent target to tear into.
Next time she does it will be because she's talking to a fellow Insanity user and they compare their favorite type of insanity speech. The end of story entity will prove to be both infinitely more useful and infinitely more useless than Duskfall is hoping.
Love the new chapter. It was very cathartic having Starlight being fed 5 meals worth of humble pie. And the way Duskfall went near Joker on Starlight. Beautiful.
Maybe for the next Nightmare Night, have Duskfall go as The Joker and Lightning as either Batman or Harley Quinn.
You know, I've been thinking about Duskfall's trip though the multiverse. We know that a higher power has its hand in it. I think that the trip is Dusk's price for reviving Twilight and Tom. The thing is that Duskfall has not made the deal yet from her point of view. Timey-wimy and all that.
Oh dear... starlight.exe has encountered a fatal error and will shut down. Please reboot your starlight at earliest convenience.
God dammit! starlight
Did I mention that I loved Duskfall as a character?
God damn it Starlight, Duskfall has suffered MORE then you'll every know . You on ther hand Starlight are nothing but a foal who had her toy taken away trapped in a mare's body. Boo-hoo Sunburst got his cutie mark and was offered the chance to got to school he wasn't being malicious you'll find out soon enough though. However Duskfall essentially was born on the death of her parents. She then suffered an identity crysis because you stole her cutie mark. Then she had to be banished for years to get her self-destructiveness worked out by being killed repeatedly to the point that now to her it is a minor annoyance and inconvenience. She had to get a new cutie mark and now is an Alicorn of insanity. So enjoy every one of those memories she shared with you to show you what TRUE suffering is. Enjoy those nightmares and mental scaring you whiney bitch! Ahem sorry about that rant feel free to delete this comment after you read it Traveler. I had to get that off my chest ever since Starlight kept whining about how Duskfall ruined her slave town because her friend left her. So feel free to delete this after you read it. I love this story you wrote and i look forward to your next chapter.
Thank goodness for the memory swap, now we won’t have to hear Starlight’s backstory
10456545
The backroom politics of the higher powers is a tangled web indeed.
10457066
I make it a general policy to not delete comments unless I absolutely have to and I certainly wouldn't want to delete a comment like this. I'm glad you felt you were able to express your pure, visceral emotions like this. Also, I agree with you, at this point in time Starlight was a self-centered, childish, selfish bitch who despite her claims really didn't know the first thing about suffering. Well, now she has an idea, lets see if she can do anything with that newfound knowledge.
10456841
And now I have a really dumb grin on my face. I also enjoy writing for Duskfall, having her walk that tightrope between appearing sane until the Solstice and the true depths of her madness. This is the first time she's really allowed the mask to come off completely and I fully admit to channeling as much of her manic grin onto my own face as humanly possible.
10457358
Good to know I thought I went too far but based on what I've read those were my true feelings. Thank you for your compliment. I look forward to your next chapter.
10457750
As always, you are extremely helpful. Thank you.
Oh god Dusk has hazbin hotel radio demon powers. I like it.
10459639
Inside every demon is a lost cause.
10461296
Who is that a pic of there?
10461725
Nyaruko-san, the main character of a rom-com about the Lovecraftian pantheon. Google 'Haiyore! Nyaruko-san' if you're interested.