this is a story that i just decided to write and i think i made the first chapter tarable but i am going to keep writing and i hope you guys like
also i got a editor to start editing my storys and he will fix them plaese dont make to much hate on me
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The description is full of mistakes. No use of grammar, no capitalisation, two chapters with <1k words and such a cliché and overused storyline. This story is going to get a lot of dislikes. By the way; It's Rainbow Dash, not rainbowdash.
Choo Choo
Okay, this is really really bad. Like, awful. This review will come in three parts.
1) You need to learn some grammar. It doesn't matter how many fantastic ideas you have, no one will read or respect your story if your grammar is this atrocious. You need to use quotation marks, you need to learn your rules of capitalization, you need... well you need to learn basically everything. Read a published book (even just a few pages of one) and take note of the paragraph and sentence structure, then try to mimic it. It won't make you perfect, but that's a good start. Not gonna comment further on your grammar, just know it's some of the worst I've ever ever seen.
2) Don't put an Author's Note in the story. That's what the description is for if absolutely necessary, but honestly you shouldn't even put one there. You don't need to tell us you're a first time writer; I'll tell you this is shit regardless if you'd wrote nothing or if you'd wrote multiple novels. This is shit.
3) Remember when I said "It doesn't matter how many fantastic ideas you have..." back in that part about your terrible grammar? Well guess what? You don't even have that. Your ideas are not at all original, they are over-used, annoying, and just bad. No one wants to read a story of your wish-fulfillment as you make your OC fall in love with your favorite pony. And furthermore, incorporating My Little Dashie and Cupcakes is a bad idea too. I know everyone likes those stories, but you cannot fathom how many spin offs and what-not those stories get. There are more than enough, and very few are any good at all. It's okay to like them, even throw in a funny little reference perhaps just once if you really like, but seriously, don't incorporate them. Bad idea.
On an "Absolute Shit to Pure Gold" scale I give this story a "Steaming Pile of Garbage, Marinated in Septic Sewage."
1197365
Hey, what's this train thing I've been seeing pop up lately? Is it some new meme?
Now then, on to the review...
Oh, this is just...ugh
Well, let's get started, shall we?
First of all, regarding your idea to link cupcakes and my little dashie? Don't. It is doomed to failure, I assure you.
Secondly, get yourself a prereader. You badly need someone to catch all those spelling mistakes.
Third, learn how writing works. Yes, you have paragraphs, but that's not enough. Names are not capitalized, and perhaps worst of all, there are almost no quotations. Word of advice: a new paragraph needs to be made every time there is a new speaker.
Fourth: OC character is cliche and predictable. Adding on that is he's disrupting the chemistry between the mane six while bringing nothing to the group dynamic himself.
Fifth, the idea itself is tired and overplayed. This isn't immediately a bad thing, but you have done it very poorly.
Sixth and final, the short chapters. General rule of thumb: anything with less than 1500 words per chapter is hastily written on a poorly thought out idea.
-Tricondon
1197454
I dont know if it was in a movie or a game....
But its an Exterminatus (at least to my knowledge) from Warhammer 40k.
1197462
It means the story has been noticed by the Train Wreck Explorers. That's a rather bad thing.
1197474
Oh, lookie here! A new group for me to consider joining!
-Tricondon
Oh dear, I ran out of constructive criticism tolerance on a different story. But I'll be nice for a second.
OCxMane Six. I did a collab on dA a few months back with that type of pairing, but I was gritting my teeth all the way through. OCs deserve other OCs and Background Ponies IMHO. Interacting, that's fine but relationships are no no.
Grammar. Oh boy oh boy, I'm just... stunned. It's like... Unbelievable.
Paragraph structure. See grammar.
Alright. A sound piece of advice is to get a proof reader.
Now it's time to do my thing
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I think people are being a little bit snide, but I'm also amazed people took the time to give actual reviews for what could for all we know be a trollfic. This is what happens an an inexperienced goblin goes looking at random stories.
Now, here's what I was going to say:
"Know what? I'm gonna read this and give it a serious review."
But I already volunteered to read every single NaPoWriMo work and comment. That's going to suck every nerve out of me, sorry.
Bottom line of this comment: Between the kinda vitriolic remarks and the actual reviewing, I still don't know whether to love this fandom or sigh and shuffle off.
So your looking for an editor right? I would suggest the paper clip from word. though i think he would stab himself to death trying to fish out the words in this jumble of letters. I'm sorry, that wasn't nice or constructive. I would be willing to help with editing and plot ideas. Sorry for being a dick earlier
1197615 Well-said. I'd do a serious review myself, but I'd just be repeating what ThreeZeus and Tricondon have already said. So, I second the comments they had.
1197547 I was just about to send this to you...
On another note. CHOO CHOO MOTHERFUCKER.
Five bucks says this is a troll-fic. Right? Riiight?
1197376
If it weren't for the watermark I'd be saving that animated gif to my hard drive like the Fist of the North Star. BRB, Google Image Search.
1197828 Great minds must think alike.
Here's some more excellent works of fiction for you to enjoy.
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/43134/My-Adventures-In-PonyVille
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/47943/Fun-with-foals%3A-The-Cutie-Mark-Crusaders-and-the-legend-of-the-Holy-Celestian-Hexacock
Sweet Celestia, its like reading My Immortal all over again
Knighty, stop laughing your ass off and fix the website. I know it's you.
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Just . . . this.
Worst fanfiction since "A Fun Day"
Well, I will just say that I have no objection to the plot of the story itself. I will point out some hints at formatting it better, though.
I noticed that you spaced your paragraphs this time, and that was good. Now, just to polish them up, I would add the indentations to them, to make it look more professional. Also, grammar, grammar, grammar... What I found out with this site, is it does not autocorrect like Microsoft Word, so it gets kind of tedious to correct manually, but to write a good story, it has to have good appearance, so you need to have proper grammar.
Also, just the last thing. When you tell a story, it gets tedious to write out detail about the setting, but it really is worth it in the end, and makes for a better reading experience. Like, for example, describe the area of Cloudsdale, what the weather is like that day, what the characters are doing while they talk, this gives the reader the background info that they appreciate.
So, you should read through your work before publishing it, so that you can catch any errors. I suggest joining the group, Looking for Editors. I've joined that group myself, because of some of the negative feedback I received on one of my own stories.
Other than that, I think that you have a unique and creative plot, and I will monitor your progress with great interest! Do continue writing!
...
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Due to all this criticism I am giving you a like but you still need an editor
Honestly, your OC looks like a bad Pegasus rendition of the sexy Blackjack.
And your OC's a colt?
NO.
1198765
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1198084
I still say that My Inner Life was worse than My Immortal, of course legolas by laura is up there too.
1197894
My reaction to those fanfics.
1200910
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Hooray for spelling mistakes and walls of text!
1202852
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i dont give a fuck what any of you guys say i just now got a guy to edit my story and another guy to help teach me to write and i will try to make it good
1198917 my oc is not the cover art and i have never realy thought of what my oc looks like only what his personality is
Uh, I couldn't follow ANY of that, you really need to work on, like, everything. You had no sense of grammar, spelling, punctuation, dialogue, I can't tell what POV it's in! This looks like it was written by a four year old. Seriously, it sucks.
There are ao many errors riddled through this wall of garbage. The best editors ever could not help this crap. You need to use capitalization, spelling, grammar, dialogue, punctionation, spacing, and actually give it a good storyline. You wonder why this has so many dislikes, it's because you won't listen to the people who are giving you advice. Can you actually TRY to write a good story. The chapters are also way to short, they should have a 1000 word minimum. This looks like a 4 year old wrote it, seriously. Ugh, God help you.
I followed it just fine. Though you do need an editor. I would offer my services, if you'd like.
fuck the haters. just because they're grammar nazis, they wanna hate. I can read it just fine, and I like it btw.
Cupcakes in THIS story?
Practically nobody likes Cupcakes, and My Little Dashie is way to adorable for this junk.
1. Wall of text
2. Horrid grammar/spelling/etc.
3. Less than 1000 word chapters
4. Self insert
5. OC x Mane 6
6. You don't know what quotation marks are.
Choo Choo.
Neither did I. Fortunately, the internet makes research easy.
1197643
1242290 Wait people don't like when the fic has cupcakes in its cannon?! Well my sequels to my fan fic Why Humans Should Never be Allowed in Equestria are gonna get so much hate.
I shall ride the train soon my friends
1198718 If your terrible, you deserve crisism. That is how reviewing works. You shouldn't get a 'feel sorry for you getting bad cristism' like
Joan was not happy. She hated to be the one to give the news. She walked closer and closer. She needed to act calm. What else could she do? She tried the best she could to remain at a somewhat collected and cool state, but it was just too much.
She was getting closer to her destination. By the gods, she hated to do her job sometimes. It was just full of times like this. Before she could remember the last times this happened, she reached a polished, wooden door. It was huge, compared to her small figure. She walked in, completely ignoring the people in line. She reached another door, but this one was steel. She moved her hand towards the padlock and put in the correct combination. After opening the door, her nose was filled with the scent of cotton candy. She stopped about a foot away from the tastful looking desk that sat before her, in the center of the room.
The man wasn't easy to describe. He was wearing a blue suit and a red, striped tie. His cold calculating eyes just continued to gaze out the window, like he had been accustomed to do whilst he thought. He appeared to be petting some sort of equine animal, one that he had dubbed 'Pinkie'. She was the source of the cotton candy smell. He didn't need to ask who was at the door, he simply nodded and waved his hand for his guest to come forth and give him the news.
"Sir, we've... we've got another one. And it's... one of the bad ones." Did she ever mention how much she hated this job? She slid a manilla folder across his desk, stopping it just at position for him to read it.
"My Love Rainbowdash," the man read aloud, "What's it about? Oh, let me guess, somebody in love with Rainbow Dash again?"
Joan shifted uncomfortably,"Yes... Yes sir, it is, Mister Fruzzinoid."
"Then let it begin."
1197615 Theres an old saying: the beatings will continue until morale improves.
1310270 That's what my friends keep saying, but I'm still not feeling any bet--
Ow! Stop hitting me! Why? Why?!
YOU'RE*
1304036 I wanna read that one instead!
Well, hello... pooch. I'm going to review your story, because I sincerely hope I can help you. I'll post things as I go along, but will not be fixing everything. To quote Mario, "Let's-a-go!"
1. Capitalization. No matter how absolutely fantastic your story is, capitalization is huge. You need to capitalize the title, fix rainbowdash to Rainbow Dash, and capitalize your titles as well.
2. More Capitalization. The letter "i", when used on its own, is always, without any doubts, capitalized.
3. Spelling. When you wrote this chapter, did you notice any squiggly red lines underneath words? If not, go open Word. Copy and paste this story in. Look through all those handy red lines, and right-click them. Choose the proper spelling of whatever word you want to use.
4. My Little Dashie and Cupcakes. Both loved and hated by the fandom, and in no way related. Don't make them related.
5. Parentheses. If you are going to put something in parentheses, aka (), don't. We should all be able to find out that Evening is your OC by just reading.
6. Your story does not make sense. Five sentences in, I'm going
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If you want your story to be popular, make it understandable. From this point on, I am only reading the first chapter.
7. Tenses. There are three tenses today, just to be simple.
a. Third person. An example, you say? Here it is. Oh, and a description? Third person uses names and pronouns; it never says I or you.
I- 'Celestia smiled softly at the cake sitting in front of her. Her single reprieve from the rest of the world, from royal duties, from everything. Cake.'
b. Second person. This uses you. Example time!
I-'You had always loved Rainbow Dash. Since you first saw her soak your mane, then dry it with her unique move, you knew she was for you. And now you were going to have her.'
c. First person. This uses I.
I-'I settled down at my keyboard, determined to pound out the next chapter of my fic if it killed me. Gritting my teeth and narrowing my eyes, I prepared for a long night of coffee and the click of a keyboard.'
8. Quotation marks. When ever somebody is talking, you put their words in quotation marks like these " ". They show someone is talking. When they're done talking, you put a comma/exclamation point/question mark at the end.
9. Spacing when talking. When two ponies, people, rocks, or trees are conversing, readers want to know who is who. That's when spacing helps. Example!
a. "Y'know, you're awful pretty," muttered Evening under her breath.
"I'm sorry, what was that?" asked Rainbow Dash, leaning in towards the quiet mare.
"You're awful pretty," she whispered even quieter.
"I can't hear you!" exclaimed Rainbow Dash exasperatedly.
10. Conclusion. Overall, this story deserves every thumb down it has. As harsh as that may seem, I want to be honest with you. If you follow what I've said, it will help. A lot.
I didn't know it was possible to cause organ failure in six hundred words.
I've read speeches by American conservatives that made me want to slam my head in a car door less than this fic does.
The best thing I think I can do for myself right now is have some biscuits and calm down before the desire to publicly immolate myself in an ASDA with cooking grease as a purgative measure overwhelms my good sense.
-Chessie
1197462 actually its about the group of fanfic reviewers called Trainwreck Explorers (TWE)
i baked you a pie oh boy what flavor is it pie flavor
