• Published 14th Jan 2020
  • 1,629 Views, 332 Comments

Schultz Knows Nothing - JustAnotherHistoryBuff



What happens if when Hogan, his men, and the lovable Sergeant Schultz, jumped out of the airplane in "Hogan Gives a Birthday Party" and somehow land in Equestria.

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Monkey Business

Colonel Hogan had gone too far now. Schultz always knew of his monkey business but this time... this time he had crossed the line. Hogan had just not only kidnapped a German general, but used said General's plane to bomb a refinery. As much as Schultz could claim that he knew nothing, this had gone too far. Sitting curled up in a ball next to General Biedenbender, Schultz began to look back at his life up to this point.

At first, Schultz was a proud soldier serving his Kaiser in the Great War. The honor of serving though was short lived as Germany was struck with economic crisis. Unlike many war veterans though, Schultz did not join any of the freikorps or far left militias but instead decided to wait it all out. Sure enough, everything did end up quite good... for only about a decade or so. Soon, he managed to get a job with the Schatze Toy Company and worked his way up to become it's owner and manager. Through that time, the toy company became the largest in Germany and along the way, Schultz met his wife and soon had 5 wonderful children. A few years later came the more darker ages. In 1933, the Nazis took power an began to change Germany drastically. Even though Schultz was a Social Democrat, he never did have a liking for politics and simply stood by and focused on his company and family, even with the Social Democrats were banned.

For a while, things were well until war became a reality. Soon, his company was forced to shut down and his factory was converted into a war factory. Without anywhere left to go, Schultz reenlisted and managed to get his old rank as Sergeant back and was posted to a Prisoner of War camp. Stalag XIII.

Schultz was there from the very beginning, back when it was full of Polish prisoners and then some french and english prisoners. Among them were Newkirk and Le Beau. When the armistice with France came, Le Beau was ecstatic about being able to go home but was crushed when he was not on the list. Surprisingly, Newkirk was there to comfort him and it was like the two became inseparable ever since. Somewhere along the way came Klink. Like Schultz, Klink was a veteran of the Great War but Klink did not exactly come out better than how he went in. Somewhere along the way, Klink became the bumbling Colonel he now was during that war. Even though Schultz critized him for being an upstuck "big-shot", he really felt for the man, no matter how stupid and incompetent he could be.

Nearly 2 years later, America declared war on Germany and the bombings began. It was not until 1943 when a blow was struck by the Germans to the allied bombing campaign. Colonel Robert Hogan was shot down by a coordinated effort by (then colonel) Biedenbender. For a while, Hogan moped around until he began to become aquainted with the other prisoners such as Carter and Kinch. In Schultz's eyes, Carter was almost like a child at times but he was smart and caring at other times. Kinch though, Schultz had respect for him, Negro or not. The man was quite intelligent and was always friendly and even sometimes joking with Schultz. To be honest with himself, all of them were. But then the Monkey Business began.

Sabotage was happening all around the camp and nobody could pin point the reason why. Even Schultz for a while did not know... well, until he began to accidentally walk in on their scheming. Every time he had the opportunity to report it to Klink, but every time, he turned his said and "saw nothing." Most people saw Schultz as being too stupid and overweight so he could get away with it anyways. As the sabotage and Underground activity began to progress, Schultz's patience began to run thin... until the Strudel came. Le Beau, or "Cockroach" as he was known by Klink and Schultz, began to bribe Schultz with food. And to make matters worse, the food was delicious. From then on, it sort of became of working relationship. Schultz knows nothing, and Hogan and his men continue with their work. In truth, Schultz knew it wasn't just the food keeping from telling. Even in the early days, Schultz despised the Nazis for their rhettoric and racial prejudices. His hate for them became worse when they took his factory... his livelyhood, away from him for their ideological war. He was already an old man with 5 children, he could not do anything, but he could turn his eyes away from the people clearly doing something. It was Treason sure, but it was working well for him now and he knew that with Hogan, it would continue to work.

But now back to the present, Schultz still huddled in a ball next to Biedenbender. The general remained silent, it was clear he knew he could not escape his fate. Suddenly, the silence was broken by Hogans voice yelling "All right, fellows, let's get back."

The next thing Schultz knew was that he was being strapped to a parachute. My god, must they do this to me. He thought. It wasn't that he was afraid of heights, rather afraid of falling. Desperately, he began to plea with Hogan and his men.

"Hey, Colonel Hogan, I'm too old to parachute jump."

His plea was met with Hogan saying "Never too old Schultz."

Again, he began to plea. "Come on, please Colonel Hogan, I am too big to parachute jump."

"Now there you have a point." Hogan agreed.

Hogan then asked Kinch "Are we all set?"

"We're over Stalag 13 in.... 30 seconds." Kinch replied.

Hogan then ordered everyone "All right, now, everybody land outside the fence. We don't need showoffs. Open the Hatch."

As the hatch open, Schultz began to yell in fear as he could feel the cold win up against his back. Immediately, Newkirk began to reassure Schultz as if he were his mother.

"Listen to me, listen. All you gotta do is jump, count ten, and pull the ring. Off you go." he said.

Schultz, not buying it, immediately retorted "How about nine or eight?"

Suddenly, he was being pushed out of the airplane by Hogan and his men. It took them a few seconds but they finally managed to push Schultz out. When Schultz fell out of the plane, he immediately closed his eyes in fear and began to count to 10 like Newkirk had told him. Suddenly when he reached 10, he was enveloped in a cloud of whiteness and for a moment, it felt like there was nothing until he found himself parachuting again.

*** *** ***

The sun was setting over Ponyville as Pinkie Pie began to close up Sugarcube Corner. Like most days, it was not entirely busy unless the holiday season was in full swing. When she was about to turn on the light, the door opened and Rainbow Dash came in.

"Oh, Hi Rainbow!" Pinkie yelled as she was surprised to see her friend walk in so late.

"Hey, Pinkie. Just wondering if you by any chance heard, oh I don't know, yelling in the sky?"

"Silly, why would you come to me if you heard yelling in the sky? Why not go to Twilight's?"

"No offense Pinkie, you were honestly my first suspect."

"I Pinkie Promise that I heard no screaming in the air Rainbow?"

"Pinkie you don't need to do that, I was ju-"

Rainbow was suddenly cut off by a loud thud that hit the roof. After a few seconds, the roof began to crack and down came two large boots and a lot of yelling. Suddenly, Pinkie began to speak.

"Rainbow, is that the yelling you heard."

"Yeah Pinkie, yeah it is...."

"So, time to get Twlight?"

Before Rainbow could answer, the yelling became stopped and the boots began to move and shake violently. This was followed by another yell that was actually understandable.

"Colonel Hogan? COLONEL HOGAN?" It yelled as it tried to pull itself up.

Author's Note:

So, this is another brainchild of mine... what better than to have the ever loveable Schultz land in Equestria... and above all, Sugarcube Corner. For those that do not get this reference, this comes from the classic comedy Hogans Heroes. God they do not make comedies like that anymore... it saddens me. Anyways, this is going to be a short on that will take my mind off my other major stories so I can go a bit out of the ordinary without trying to stick to realism and such. For those who read the last chapter of my Titanic story, once again... very sorry for that mess. Definately going to revise it. Anyways, hope you like this one and stay tuned for the upcoming chapters to this short story.