Major Hoofstetter
The Equestrian Investigation Service, or EIS, was a respectable organization. For years, ever since a little incident with the Griffons, the Investigation service had served Equestria greatly. Even before it existed, the ancestors of the organization's founders had done similar jobs during the times of Starswirl. But now, in the nearly 1000 years of somewhat undisturbed peace, the service had found inself focused on mainly internal and external threats or crimes. One notable example was when Prince Blueblood was caught attempting to embezzle funds from the budget. Needless to say, that stupid noble learned his lesson after 10 minutes with Hoofstetter.
Working for the service was an honor that Hoofstetter took great pride in doing. Even since he was a Colt, he dreamed of serving Equestria to his highest ability. When he came of age, he attempted to try out for the Royal Guard. Needless to say though, his short stature did not help him in any way. However, he was spotted out by a recruiter from the service, and putting his already good investigational mind to good use, he passed his entrance exam with flying colors. So for nearly the last decade, Hoofstetter was a well respected, and well feared, investigator for the EIS.
Recent years though have not done good for the reputation of the service though. It all started with Nightmare Moon. Hoofstetter and his colleagues were the first to try to notify Celestia, but she for some reason brushed it all off. And even though Luna was forgiven, many blamed the service for not taking precautions, especially when the documents surrounding the whole debacle got leaked out by some Manehattan reporters. It took a few months for that to be brushed under the rug. The next issue came with Discord... Oh Discord...
When that creature broke free from his statue, the first thing he did was go to Hoofstetter's office, and simply make a mess of the entire building. Needless to say, he had to snap his way out before Hoofstetter could get his hooves on him when he was surrounded by the Major's "Ring of Iron". The fact of the matter was, nopony was safe near Hoofstetter. It took quite a few sleeping spells to get Hoofstetter to calm down before Hoofstetter was able to personally head to Ponyville with a large amount of investigators with him. However, by the time he got there, the whole issue was sorted out, and it left the Major fuming even more. When Discord's statue was returned to Canterlot, Celestia herself had to post guards in front of the gates to his podium so Hoofstetter would not destroy Discord. Needless to say, even though Discord is now "reformed", Hoofstetter was still planning his revenge. And now the crown jewel on top, this Colonel Hogan.
The day he had met the... human... Colonel, it had started out quite normally. Ever the efficient investigator, Hoofstetter woke up before dawn, ate his regular haybacon, eggs, and black coffee, and made his way over to the main EIS office in Canterlot. The walk there was calm as usual with the occasional fearful glares from the other early bird citizens walking down the streets. When he got to the office, he say down for his morning paperwork and as per usual, ignoring the sunrise coming in through his office window. As sentimental as other Ponies were, Hoofstetter could care less for such things. He had a job to do after all.
He had just gotten to the files regarding mob activity in Manehattan when one of his subordinates, Lieutenant Feldclop came in with a report of a fire at Sugarcube Corner and strange creatures present at the scene. Normally, one would dismiss it as utter nonsense, but Hoofstetter pounced on the report. He was always suspicious of that mare Pinkie Pie. Her file was one of the largest in his filing cabinet. It was always expanding. There was just something off about her, something weird. The fact that she hung out with Rainbow Dash made things even more suspicious. Rainbow Dash actually was nearly arrested multiple times for her shenanigans. The only thing that stopped the Major was the personal intervention of Celestia. But all it did was serve to make his temper boil.
Immediately, he threw on his overcoat over his suit and fedora and rushed his way to the Canterlot train station. The first time he had to do something like this, the ticket booth operator and conductor nearly tried to shun the Major. They learned their lesson immediately when the Major threatened arrest, imprisonment, and possible decapitation for interference in an EIS investigation. Needless to say, no more problems had been encountered. Train rides for work related reasons always made Hochstetter impatient. For as advanced as Equestria was, they still did not make a fast train for the national railways. Even Manhattan had more modern, faster, sleeker trains. And yet for some reason, he was stuck riding some sort of piston engine relic named the "Friendship Express". He had a feeling some budget issues and bureaucratic nobles who wished to curtail modernization efforts had a say in this and he made a mental note to look into it.
Of all places Hoofstetter despised, Ponyville was the town he hated the most. First of all, it was as if the Mayor was too incompetent to even make a uniformed police force and relied on the "Elements of Harmony" to protect the town. Secondly, it was like the entirety of the town was afflicted by some sort of mental disorder that prevented them from using common sense. All they knew how to do was run when there was danger, give into the danger, remain oblivious to the danger, be extremely xenophobic (as shown in the Zecora case file), or act like drugged up Yaks that are high on "friendship". It was sickening, the idea of friendship. Now, friendship and comradery was great and all, but the citizens of Ponyville took it to a whole new annoying level. Not to mention the fact that it was essentially sponsored by Celestia herself. But was could an EIS Major do, threaten his monarch? Sure he could scare the Princess but other than that, he was powerless. Princess Luna however, she was the only pony he could respect. She was the no nonsense type, and her use of the "Royal Canterlot Voice" was just enough to shut somepony down.
Making his way towards the burning bakery, he managed to get through the mound of reporters to see that Pinkie, Princess Twilight, and the creatures had apparently gone. It did not take long to find them though considering that just a few blocks down the road, a sizeable Royal Guard contingent was guarding the area around Princess Twilight's library so it was clear that the creatures were inside. He knew he did not have backup so Hoofstetter put on his regular interrogation face and made his way over to the guards. One flash of his ID and a very... VERY stern look into the eyes of the guards later, he found himself nearly bursting through the door.
When Hoofstetter got inside, it was clear everypony was surprised by his presence. Even the crea... humans were. A big fat one in a helmet nearly turned pale while another one fainted. He knew he had the floor.
Hoofstetter then turned to the nearest pony, ironically Rainbow Dash, and began his questioning. After one short outburst, reprimand from the princesses, and embarrassment from the Colonel, Hoofstetter was outside again, plotting his next move. This time, the EIS would not be humiliated. He would get to the bottom of the entire debacle, even if it meant surrounding the entire miserable town with a ring of EIS agents. He would get that Colonel, one way or another. But for now, he looked at his pocket watch and saw that it was nearly noon. Almost time for those blasted migraine pills he thought as he made his way to the nearest diner.
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Okay, I gotta see this. This is a madcap idea and I can't resist.
10077422
Lol
By any chance would certain antics from the Nimrod episode show up for Hoofstetter?
Poor Hoofstetter. He is completely out of the loop. Discord I can understand but he is so far gone from how close Celestia has been playing her cards close. I hope Celestia has a nice padded cell waiting for him.
Celestia: Major Hoofstetter, you are relieved of duty.
Hoofstetter: You can't do that!
Celestia: I can, and I have. If you attempt to fight me on this, I shall name you a traitor and, to use your favorite phrase, YOUR HEAD WILL ROLL!
Well, IDK if you're doing anything different, but this was MUCH better at clearing up the typos. Congatulations
10077563
Now were would be the fun in that?
Celestia: "Major Hoofstetter, you need a new assignment."
"
"
Hoofstetter: "You can't do that!"
Celestia: "I can, and I have. You are to report to Colonel Pinkie Pie immediately."
Hoofstetter: "Wait--COLONEL Pinkie Pie!? I've got a file on her a mile thick, it mentions nothing about her having any rank! What's she a "COLONEL" OF!?"
Celestia: "Equestrian Investigation Service, of course. She's been your supervisor for years."
Hoofstetter: "
Celestia: "Now report to Ponyville for you assignment. And make some friends, Major!"
Hoofstetter: "BAAA-A-A-A-A!
10077937
That's god damn great. I am literally laughing my ass off at this!
10077710
Danke Schon He'rr General!
To be honest, I'm genuinely amazed at how many are versed in Hogan's Heroes on this site.
10078964
I don't think the princesses would hold Schultz responsible for the crimes of his countrymen. Indeed, from what Luna ferreted out from his dream, Schultz is either actually part of the Resistance or wishes he was.
And those days, humor was a catharsis to the suffering they went through.
Unfortunately, there's something not too unlike fascism in the way Hollywood is running these days--and they have NO tolerance for humor, unless it's THEIR brand of "humor"--which consists of nothing more than dehumanizing any person who thinks differently from themselves (just like the Nazi propaganda of the time).
And they'll even turn on and eat their own at the drop of a pin.
Literally, it's like George Orwell's "1984".
10080170
Humor has become forbidden. This is why I basically live on 4chan these days. You're still allowed to have it.
Yes it comes with actual commies and nazis, but you're allowed to TALK, exchange ideas, and laugh at old jokes that are riotously funny.
Stuff like Hogan's Heroes and Blazing Saddles could never be made today.
10080567
Ah 4chan... I am still stuck on Reddit for I have not ascended yet. I read ShitWehraboosSay for shots and giggles to see what Wehraboos think or how far someone can push the idea that some guy was evil and such. I also enjoy looking through the MemriTV memes. It disgusts me though that a website that is legitimate Israeli propaganda that makes the middle East look bad is still up. But still, the terrible stuff they translate (they only translate the extremes) is very funny, especially when the translation is edited.
Happy Valentines Day for you all!
For you history buffs, Happy Bismarck Day!
a good gelding would help out Hoofstetter a good bit.
10079255
The DVDs are really cheap to get also the entire series used to be on pornhub before the purge