The Hopes and Dreams of Sergeant Schultz
There is a point in which sometimes, you just want to quit. However, there are also times where something happens that makes you want to stay. For Colonel Hogan's situation, he was leaning towards the first option. Over the course of his time at Stalag 13, he had dealt with numerous dangerous things, whether it be from Hochstetter's suspicions to Klink's own stupidity. Never, did he even think, that he had to deal with strange multicolored "Ponies" as they called themselves while trying to get Schultz out of another mess.
Schultz was one of the only people Hogan could trust but at the same time, Schultz was a variable which sometimes almost got them into big trouble. Still though, both men mutually benefitted each other. Schultz gave them information, and Schultz was payed in food or other goodies that they were able to get through the Underground. Even when Schultz discovered them planning, they never did get caught as Schultz never told anyone. Now, Hogan had dragged Schultz along with him on this mission and they now stood (or in Schultz's case, sat stuck) infront of multicolored horses with weird marks on their rears.
Unsure of what to say, he decided to direct his question to Schultz. "Schultz, mind telling me who your new friends are?"
Schultz, still shaking from the sight infront of him answered in an oddly serious tone. "Colonel Hogan, I know nothing. Absolutely nothing."
If Schultz was one thing, he was never a liar, at least to Hogan and his men. Anyone else, namely his superiors, that was a different story. Turning to the 4 horses in front of him, he began to ask his questions.
"Alright, I will make this simple, who are you, what are you, and where are we?" He asked.
Immediately, as if on methamphetamines, the Pink horse answered. "Oh, I am Pinkie Pie, right next to me is Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and Twilight Sparkle. If you hadn't noticed, were all ponies and on behalf on all of us, we welcome you to Ponyville!"
Before Hogan could even comprehend everything he just heard, the Pink pony named Pinkie Pie (ironically) pulled out a confetti cannon and fired it sending Hogan and his men to the ground due to shear reflex. When all was said and done, Hogan got up to see Schultz struggling to comprehend everything in front of him.
Before Hogan could ask another question, the purple pony beat him to it. "Alright Sir, we answered your questions, now will you answer ours?"
"What makes you think we will answer them?"
"It is only fair."
"How do we know this isn't the Gestapo fooling with us?"
"Gest-what now?"
Before Hogan could reiterate his question, Schultz spoke up. "Colonel Hogan, I may know nothing, but I don't think the Gestapo would have little Ponies in front of us to interrogate us. Besides, as you put it, they lack the imagination for such a method, especially Hochstetter."
"Colonel, for once, Schultz makes a good point." Kinch interjected.
Hogan took a while to make his decision. He always prepared for the Gestapo, Klink, Burkhalter, or the occasional SS General, but never talking ponies. The only way to be sure was to make a deal.
"Alright, we will answer your questions but with certain conditions."
The four Ponies looked at each other and the purple nodded "Go on."
"Alright, one: help get our friend here out of the floor boards, two: give us any information on our location, three: ... Anyone wanna add anything?"
"Ooh, how about get some food Colonel, I'm starving." Carter said enthusiastically. Normally, he would had been scolded for such a comment as per usual, but given the circumstances, Carter's suggestion was taken up upon and added to the list.
"Alright, anything else? No, good." Hogan said. "Alright, now can we please get our friend out from the floorboards?"
"You could've asked earlier Sir." The purple pony said. Suddenly in the dark, a glow came from a horn on the ponies head and after a few seconds, the glow enveloped Schultz and lifted the bulky Sergeant from the floor boards to the floor. Starring at the sight in shock, Hogan muttered under his breath, "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.'
*** *** ***
Twilight looked back at her notes, she was stunned. The 6 "humans" she had met had given her a treasure trove of information regarding the world that they came from. Firstly, she learned each of their names. Their commander was named Colonel Hogan while his second in command was a rather nice fellow named Sergeant Kinchloe. The rest of his team included a tailor by the name of Corporal Newkirk, a rather short cook named Corporal Le Beau, and a rather goofy "demolitions expert", or bomb maker as the Colonel put it, named Sergeant Carter. The only odd one out was a the larger human (in both size and weight apparently) named Sergeant Schultz, the human who wrecked Pinkie Pie's roof. The weird part about him was that he was a prison guard that was apparently supposed to guard Hogan and his men. So there was clearly something that they were not telling. However, she planned to ask them more once morning came so that they could get some rest.
Closing the door to the bakery, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and Twilight made their way back to their respective homes.
"Hey Twilight?"
"Yeah Rainbow?"
"Is it me or does something seem off about those guys. How does a prison guard and the men he guards fall from the sky into Equestria from a whole nother world?"
"I know what you mean. There is something they aren't telling us. I think I am going to write a letter to Princess Luna. She should be in Night Court right now so she should be able to get it."
"Do you think it is right though? To go into their heads while they try to sleep and maybe cope?" Fluttershy interjected.
"What do you mean Fluttershy?" Twilight questioned.
"I mean... well... Imagine your a pony in a while new world and when you go to sleep, your mind is invaded or watched upon by somepony. Not to insult to work of Princess Luna though."
"I know what you mean Fluttershy, but that Colonel po... person seems to be secretive about something that he may not tell us. Maybe we should just ask Luna to go into the large one's dream, he seems nice and more innocent."
"I like him, he seeme pleasant enough."
"Alright, then it's settled. Now, I gotta get back and write the letter before Luna enters the dream world." Twilight said, dashing off to the Library leaving Rainbow and Fluttershy alone.
*** *** ***
3 Hours Later
The Dream Realm was Luna's great escape from the pain of Night Court. It is not that Night Court is necessarily dangerous, but rather annoying when certain ponies come up with tedious complaints. The night's latest idiot was a noble who thought that he could hide the fact that he embezzled money from the Equestrian Education Association. Neighsay was not particularly happy with that and took it up with a municipal court and it somehow landed on Luna's docket. Luna despised Neighsay for his xenophobic views on other races but this could not be ignored. After one long and annoying trial later, Luna ended Night Court early when Twilight's letter came through. It was quite the read, but then again, this was a Twilight letter. Still though, Luna had never heard of a creature that was quite large enough to break Pinkie Pie's roof but manage to get stuck between a few floorboards and drywall... Gravity could not work like that.
Making her way through the dream realm to Ponyville, Luna could not help but cherish the fact that the night was calm without nightmares. Reaching Sugarcube Corner, Luna caught eye of the hole in the roof. It was truly large, and Luna could only wonder how large the bipedal creature that made the hole was. When she made her way into the bakery, Luna could see the 6 bipedal creatures sleeping on the floor. Remembering the description of the creature Twilight wanted her to check on, Luna found the bipedal snoring in the corner with a blanket wrapped around it's midsection. From the looks of it, it looked large enough to cause the hole in the roof. Taking a deep breath, Luna entered the strange creature's dream.
For a moment, just like every other time she enters somepony's dream, there was nothing but darkness. Suddenly, Luna found herself outside somewhere. Around her, she saw brick buildings and asphalt roads similar to what she would probably find in Manehattan. Looking around, the dream began to fill with other bipedal creatures walking along the sidewalks. On the streets, what looked like horseless carriages drove along the road with the bipedals inside them. As much as it fascinated Luna, she knew she needed to find the creature in his dream.
Like all dreams, Luna is dropped nearest to where her subject is. Looking around, the large bipedal was nowhere to be found. Turning around, Luna caught the eye of a large factory behind her. The sign was in some sort of foreign language but below it, it looked like it had an Equestrian translation.
Schatze Toy Company
Looking at the factory, Luna could sense that the bipedal was inside. Disregarding the gate and the doors, Luna made her way inside the immense factory. All around her, she saw bipedals and machinery making little toys. It was truly a sight to behold. She had seen the inner workings of factories before, but something was off. The workers themselves seemed to enjoy themselves and put more effort and care into their work. Suddenly and unexpectedly, what seemed like a loud speaker began to blair out above in the factory roof.
"Attention all workers, please make your way to the main podium. Repeat, please make your way to the main podium."
The workers immediately dropped what they were doing, turned the machine off, and made their way to the podium the loud speaker was talking about. Seeing this, Luna thought that her chances of finding the creature would be greater. When she made her way to the podium, she decided to fly her way up to a scaffold near the roof the catch a better view and look for the creature. By the time she had looked at every worker, she was unable to find the creature. Suddenly, the creatures all stood up from their seats and began to clap as another creature walked up on the podium.
The creature on the podium was her target. Something was different about it though. For starters, the creature was wearing a suit similar to what she would see in Manehattan. Secondly, the creature looked slightly thinner and it's hair was less gray than what is was in the real world. It looked genuinely happy. Soon, the creature got up to microphone and began to speak.
"Friends, please sit down. I would not want my workers to feel tired standing up for such an occasion." The sincerity made the crowd laugh as they say back down. "Now, I know you are wondering why I called you all here while you were working. Today, is a very special day my friends. Just a few minutes ago, I had gotten a letter in my desk concerning the company. Would you all like to know what was in it?" Immediately, the crowd yelled out yes cheerily. "My friends, it is with great privilege that I hereby announce that the Schatze Toy Company has officially become the largest Toy Company in all of Germany! We are number one in terms of size, number one in quality, number one in customer and employee care, and number one in safety!" With that, the whole room filled up with cheers and even some hats flew through the air. "Friends, before you are not able to hear this, I ask of you to simmer down so I may say it." With that, the room immediately quieted down. "Now, in light of our recent success, I am hereby giving you all the day off and your paychecks early! You have all earned it my friends!" The room erupted with greater cheers. Luna could see that the creature's face was smiling with genuine pride. As much as she wanted to watch the rest of the moment, she knew she had to speak with the creature. With that, she froze the dream with her magic and flew down to meet the creature personally.
*** *** ***
At first, Schultz did not know what had happened and why everyone in the factory had stopped and froze in place. His question was immediately answered when he turned around to find a dark blue pony with wings and a horn standing behind him.
"Hello there." It said. Startled, he nearly jumped back off the podium before catching his balance.
"W-who are you?"
"I am Princess Luna, Princess of the Moon. I believe you have met Princess Twilight already, yes?"
For a moment, Schultz began to think and then remembered the purple pony he had met when he fell through the roof.
"Y-yes, I have met her. She seems, very nice."
"Allow me to guess, did she nearly pamper you with questions?" The guess was spot on.
"Yes, as a matter a fact she nearly did Fraulein."
"Frau-what?"
Remembering that the horse probably did not speak German, Schultz corrected himself.
"I am sorry, in my native language, Fraulein means... how does Hogan put it... Ah yes, Ms. or Mrs." Luna gave him a puzzled look before answering.
"It is quite alright er..."
"My name is Hans Schultz, but you may call me Hans if you would like."
"Alright, thank you for the translation Hans."
"You are very welcome Fraulein Luna. If I may ask though, how did you get into Germany? Let alone my Toy Factory?"
"Oh, well, you are still in my world persay, this is actually your dream."
"Dream? So I am not dead yet?"
"No, this is just all in your head."
"Oh Gott sei Dank."
"What?"
"Ach, never mind that Fraulein, wait... How is this my dream? I remember this moment."
"What do you mean Hans?"
"To "make a long story short", as Colonel Hogan puts it, you are currently in my old Toy Factory. Today is the day when we became the largest in all of Germany, my home nation." He said beaming with pride.
"What happened to your company Hans?"
"I will tell you all that, but may we go to my office? It seems like even in a memory my feet hurt." He said with a hearty chuckle.
"Of course Hans." Luna replied.
*** *** ***
Sitting at his desk from a memory long passed, Schultz began to look around at his office and reminisce.
"You know dear Princess, I have never been a soldier."
"But aren't you a Prison Guard?"
"Yes, wait... how do you know of my current employment?"
"A lot of details were expressed in the letter."
"Ach, I see. Well, to answer you question, yes... I am a prison guard. But I have never been a soldier. I lost all aspiration to do so after.... after the slaughter.... The Great War."
"What is this Great War?"
"Fraulein, sometimes one cannot explain everything without delving into a realm he buried away long ago." Luna's face immediately turned empathetic.
"I... I understand what you mean. I guess we all have our demons."
"That we do Fraulein. But, back to the subject, after the war, I began to work for this Toy Company. Over a decade passed and I became it's owner. For almost two decades, this company has been my pride and joy, second to my ever wonderful wife and children of course."
"What caused you to quit if you loved it so much though Hans?"
"Fraulein, I never quit, rather I was forced to fall back on an old profession. Once again, war came to my country and they took my factory to make bombs and bullets instead of toys."
"Who is they?"
"The devils themselves. As the cockroach puts it, they are filthy pigs. They are a political party known as the National Socialists. Never have I seen so much hate before. It still sickens me whenever I remember when they took it away from me. From the moment they took power in the Reichstag and the Chancellory, I decided to keep my head down. What they do to the Jews, it was unforgivable... to harm someone just because they are your scapegoat."
"Why don't you fight back though Hans?"
"I am an old man, a soldier gone soft after bringing joy to Children for almost two decades, I could never fight back... well, until Colonel Hogan came along."
"Who is this Colonel Hogan?"
"Colonel Hogan is one of the prisoners I guard, well, he is the senior prisoner of war."
"What does a Senior Prisoner of War do?"
"Men like Colonel Hogan in Prisoner of War camps keep the men in line. Essentially, they are the bridge between the Camp Kommandant, and the prisoners as a whole. Between you and me though, he runs the camp, not the Kommandant."
"Why do you say that."
"Princess, if you ever meet the Colonel, you will understand why. He is a master manipulator, especially when it deals with his monkey business."
"Monkey Business?"
"I normally claim to know nothing, but for now, I know something. You see, Colonel Hogan and his men are always up to something, whether it be sabotage or kidnapping our own generals and sending them off to London for interrogation."
"You know of this? Why do you never report it?"
"It is my way of fighting back. I see it, but I don't see it. Do you get what I mean Fraulein?"
"I... I guess I do. May I ask another question?"
"I am, as the Americans put it, all ears." Schultz said, putting on a gingerly smile.
"Who is this Kommandant you speak of?" Immediately, Schultz's mood diminished. He did not hate Klink, but still Klink had his ego...
"The Kommandant is the leader of the Prisoner of War camp. My camp's Kommandant is named Colonel Wilhelm Klink." He shuddered when he mentioned the big shot's name.
"Why do you shudder at that name Hans?"
"Fraulein, Colonel Klink is not persay a bad man. If anything, he is simply egotistical but I feel for him. Like me, he fought in the Great War. All men who fought in it came out a different man, unless you are Feldmarshall Rommel apparently. From what I heard, he came out more matured and head strong. But back to Klink. At the beginning, he was not the egotistical bumbling soldier we know him to be right now, but rather a competent and initiative taking officer. After the war though, something happened that changed him into a more egotistical, incompetent, bureaucrat that a lot of us, my fellow guards included, know him to be. I do feel like there is more behind them though... he may not seem to be a smart man, but he certainly is quite good with finances, and he also somehow managed to find a way to get himself out of situations when Colonel Hogan is not there to bail him out."
It took a few minutes for the Princess to take in the information that Schultz gave her. He saw that his words affected her. Finally, Luna spoke.
"I understand where your Kommandant may be coming from. If he were here, I could maybe ask him a few questions."
"Ach, please do not, at least wait until the war is over, for me and Colonel Hogan's sake." Schultz said with a chuckle.
"Why is that?"
"Fraulein, if Kommandant Klink regained his confidence and competence, me and Colonel Hogan would be out of the job."
"I see... Well, if it is any trouble, would you mind if I ask you one more question Hans?"
"Of course, this is my dream, I am pretty sure Colonel Hogan has not bugged my head yet." With that, both Schultz and Luna had a laugh.
"Well, about Colonel Hogan, is he possibly dangerous?"
"What do you mean Fraulein?"
"Well, in the letter I received from Princess Twilight, she was quite suspicious of Colonel Hogan and his intentions."
"Ah, see, everyone gets that impression off of him. And to be honest, I do not blame him. With the Monkey Business he pulls, he needs to be very cautious, especially when being somewhere new."
"Well, thank you Hans. I hope to see you soon. I have a feeling we may if you are to ever get back home."
"Danke Fraulein, it means a lot to talk so somebody about my thoughts. I am never able to do that in Germany, or else I probably would be facing.... Major Hochstetter."
"Major who?"
"Ach, another time please. I cannot bear to think of that nasty man, even in my own dream."
"Ah, well please, get some rest and enjoy your memory."
"I will Fraulein, Danke."
When Luna turned around to exit his dream office, Schultz swiveled in his chair to look down the window at his former factory. He missed making toys and all he had was the memory of his old life.
"All that is missing is Le Beau's Strudel" he thought. To his amazement, he saw a plate of Apple Strudel pop up in front of him. For the rest of the night, he took advantage of his self consciousness in his dream. By the time he woke up, he felt better than he had in years ever since the war began.
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10036310
So was Howard Caine, AKA Major Hochstetter.
10043644
Indeed. God bless all their souls and may God welcome Robert Clary with open arms.
I thought Hogan's Heroes was a cartoon.
10043961
Lol what. Man, Hogan's Heroes was one of the best comedies in the late 60s and early 70s. Find some clips on YouTube and you'll see why.
"Allow me to guess, did she nearly pamper you with questions?"
Pepper you with questions.
And "persay" is written "per se."
Also, if Twilight is a princess in this story, hasn't she been to Canterlot High and thus is familiar with humans?
10044061
I place this story in a universe without the mirror incident. Also, thank you for the typo check.
10044070
You're welcome. And, I just noticed:
Remembering that the horse probably did not speak German, Schultz corrected himself.
They've been speaking English in his dream?
10044206
Yeah, they have. Schultz is an international businessman and a prison guard, why wouldn't he.
I find it somewhat amusing that Schultz is acting as a character witness for Hogan, ponies know a kind soul it seems.
10044261
Who wouldn't agree that Schultz is a king soul?
Jawohl, mein Luna?
I would've expected Luna to be familiar with speaking Germane, which should be near enough to German to be understandable.
Next chapter should be out in the next few days... I don't think Le Beau likes a rival.
Okay, I figured it out. When Dream-Schultz gives his speech to his factory workers, he's speaking German, but right after Luna freezes them she says "Hello there" in English (or Ponish, which is the same thing in this story -- no language classes or translation spells). International businessman Schultz responds in the same language. That's probably why he was assigned to guard multinational prisoners in the first place, his facility with English.
10054008
Took a while heh
Confession.... Who else thought of this scene here