First Half
“Mommy, where do ponies go when they die?”
“Well, Sweet Summer, it depends on if they’ve been a good pony or not. The good ponies go see Faust in the sky, and dance among the stars for all of eternity.”
“And the bad ponies?”
“The bad ponies stay forever trapped in Sombra’s mists, never able to find anypony else, doomed to encounter endless nightmares.”
“Where will you go when you die, Mommy?”
Haute Couture’s eye twitched, but she kept up her fake smile anyways. “To the good place, of course.”
Sweet Summer nodded in fascination. That made sense to her, of course. Mommy was beautiful and merciful, like the angels.
***
Packed Briefcase came home late that night, like he usually did, disheveled and tired. Sweet Summer snuck a peek at him kissing Couture, before she was shooed away and told to go to bed. Before turning off her night light, she decided to make a quick prayer to Faust.
“Dear Faust, Mommy and Daddy seemed really happy today together. I hope you can make it last forever, so that one day we can all be in the good place together, too.”
She felt good after that prayer, so it only took her an additional half hour to go to sleep after the plates started breaking and the shouting began.
***
As the dawn caressed the sky in pink and orange, Sweet Summer began to stir. It was a weekend, meaning there was no school in session. That meant she could go outside and practice to join the local junior buckball team! She practically skipped out of her room, quickly brushed her teeth, and thumped down the stairs, before almost running into her mother.
“Good morning, pumpkin,” Haute Couture sang, sporting a broom and a dustpan. “Breakfast is on the table already! I’m just getting a small… accident cleaned up.”
Sweet Summer needed no further invitation, dashing into a chair and heaping her plate with food as Haute Couture swept away the mess. Packed Briefcase was gone, as usual. It was quiet, and Sweet Summer relaxed into her chair, feeling proud of herself. It was raspberry pancakes, her favorite. That meant she’d been a good filly yesterday.
Just before Sweet Summer finished her breakfast, Haute Couture spoke up again. “Before you go, dear,” she said sweetly. “There’s something very important I have to tell you. This might come as a huge shock, so I need you to be prepared, okay?”
Sweet Summer straightened in her seat, eagerly awaiting the news. Did she get a good grade? Was the buckball team finally willing to take her in?
Haute Couture took a deep breath before continuing. “Briefcase and I talked over this last night, and we finally decided that the time was right. We’ve decided to adopt a filly, and give you a sibling and friend!”
Sweet Summer’s mouth dropped open. She hadn’t been consulted about this!
“I — I’m… but… I’m so excited! I’m gonna go prepare!”
Haute Couture watched as Sweet Summer sprinted back up to her room, buckball forgotten. Soon, she also heard the shuffle of papers and imagined Summer was writing a long list, like she did about most things. It was too easy.
***
By the end of the night, the list had three items on it.
The first, written at the top in dainty black ink, gave a brief introduction of Sweet Summer, her age, her hobbies, and her friends.
The second, written in the middle with slightly more intensity, read, “Do not disturb Daddy when he’s busy with work.”
The third, written at the bottom in bold red ink, read, “ALWAYS LISTEN TO MOMMY, NO MATTER WHAT.”
Sweet Summer felt rather proud of that list, but she couldn’t sleep that night. Her forelegs couldn’t stop jittering, and she felt like she’d just won a buckball tournament. She knew Couture slept very early, but that Briefcase worked very late at night. She decided to make an exception to her second rule, since it seemed to be an exceptional night.
***
The next morning, rubbing her sore eye, Sweet Summer made sure to double underline that second rule.
It was okay, since it was the big day. Packed Briefcase had taken a day off work just to visit the orphanage, and Haute Couture was wearing her Sunday best.
“Can I go, can I go, please?” begged Sweet Summer.
Haute Couture felt her fake smile returning again. “You can go take your… spastic energy with you to buckball today, okay? Daddy and I will be home as soon as we can, so no mud in the house, and complete your list of chores. Remember, good ponies always listen to their parents!” She kissed Sweet Summer goodbye, and left.
Sweet Summer wanted to be a good pony, so she could go to the good place, so she decided to make the adult decision and finish the chores first. When that was done, she packed her sports equipment and headed outside. When she opened the door, Princess Luna was there.
Princess Luna gave an earnest smile. “Good afternoon, child. I take it you are Sweet Summer?”
Sweet Summer’s jaw dropped again, and she couldn’t let out much more than a squeak.
Princess Luna took the opportunity to let herself in the house, gently closing the door. She smiled again. “I presume that’s a yes, then. Normally I’m not awake during such hours, but I just had business in the town and decided to visit around.” Suddenly, her face grew intent, and she peered into Sweet Summer’s eyes. “As you know, my job is to visit ponies in their dreams, and guard them from their nightmares. Pray tell, how have your dreams been recently, Sweet Summer?”
Sweet Summer had stopped hyperventilating, for the most part. “P-Princess Luna, wow, it’s such an honor to meet you! I always thought that you were such a cool princess, and now — ”
“Thank you, but there’s no need,” interrupted Luna. “I’d just like to know about your dreams.”
Sweet Summer beamed. “Well, Princess Luna, they’ve been fantastic! Last night I dreamed about a field longer than the size of Ponyville, and it was filled with happy sunflowers, and I was playing buckball on it. I kicked the ball so hard that it flew all the way across the field, and I scored the winning goal for my team! Everyone cheered, and it felt really good.”
Luna’s smile faded. “You don’t remember the, uh, first part of your dream? The nightmares?”
Sweet Summer kept up her sunny smile. “Not a bit! Mommy always tells me to forget the first half, and I always listen to Mommy.”
All of a sudden, the room dropped ten degrees, as pitch black magic began to ooze from Luna’s horn. Sweet Summer shivered intensely, but it was over as quickly as it started. Luna retracted her magic, took a deep breath, and looked around the room.
Without a word, she grabbed Sweet Summer in her magic and teleported her far away, all the way back to Canterlot.
When Sweet Summer came to, there was a damp cloth on her forehead, and she could barely make out yelling in the background.
“Princess Luna, do you know the risks of teleporting a filly with absolutely no prior teleportation exposure hundreds of miles away? And of taking her away from her family without permission?” a muffled voice shouted in the background.
“It had to be done,” Luna responded. “I’ll let Celestia deal with the legality later, but I couldn’t just stand by and do nothing. I couldn’t let this poor filly get trapped inside a hole like this.” She turned her head backwards, noticing that Sweet Summer had regained consciousness.
“Good evening, Sweet Summer!” Luna exclaimed. “I hope that wasn’t too rough of a trip. I have much to explain in the morning, but now you are in need of some rest. I’ve taken the liberty of preparing a room in the castle for you, and you can request as many buckballs as you’d like.”
“A room in the castle? Wow!” Sweet Summer shouted. “Oh my Celestia, thank you so much, this is so cool! But why did you bring me here, and — ” she gasped. “And wait! I have to go see Mommy and Daddy right now; they were gonna bring home a filly today!”
Luna’s face visibly blanched.
“Forgive me, Celestia,” she said to herself. “But it looks like I’ll be having to commit a few more crimes today.”
She popped out of existence, leaving Summer behind.
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Seems interesting, will have to read it later. If it won first place, it's gotta be good, right?
I see why it won first place. Good work.
This story has the quality you would expect when the author straight up tells you that it was rushed and unedited, that being said, this story is by far something that I wish I could see more often.
Many people have the ability to read between the lines, but a good author, in my own opinion mind you, has the ability to ‘write’ between the lines.
I didn’t need to have the story spelled out for me.
As an adult looking through the exuberance of a small child, I saw the story the child couldn’t.
I see why this won. Good job:)
Oh...she merked her husband didn't she
9819094
It was okay, I guess. I voted for Gardez's piece over mine in the finals, though!
9819106
9819254
I am humbled by your praise. Thanks so much for reading, I really appreciate it!
9819391
Hah, maybe. My original intent was that the two parents disagreed over adopting a child and were just having an incredibly violent argument, although I didn't have the time to fully convey that within the hour.
9819254
You said it better then I could.
Instead of telling a story that oozed angst, the author crafted a tale told a more subtle. Which makes the signs of mistreatment feel more frightening.
I liked the story. It's the only reason why I'm commenting on it.
There's something in this that just makes me question Luna's actions. Never mind the safety of teleportation—what will become of the filly, after Luna dishes out her justice to Sweet's parents?
If Sweet Summer was really a one-of-a-kind, most unfortunate filly in existence, then I'd see the merit in Luna's quick action. Luna might even be able to take the filly under her own care, in that idealized Equestria.
As it stands, though, this is an Equestria where orphanages apparently exist, and in all likelihood, Sweet's going to be sent to one of them. I don't have experience living in an orphanage or living with abusive parents, but I can't help but imagine that neither is much better than the other. The trauma inflicted by the sudden change in environment for Sweet Summer just doesn't look to be the right decision.
9819654
Hey there, thanks for the comment. I enjoy the questions as much as I do the complements!
I do agree that Luna's actions can't be 100% upheld. She saw a child in need, and in a brief moment of anger decided to take action on her own, disregarding the consequences, rather than waiting for the proper authorities to step in (think CPS). I'd wager some people would think this noble, and others rash (and others yet both).
With that being said, it's my belief that there are indeed cases where abuse is so bad that any alternative option would offer a better solution. In Equestria, a world much kinder than ours, it would be my hope that there is a much better child and foster care system in place to take care of Sweet Summer. Just as CPS has measures to decrease the stress of a sudden environment change, I hope such measures would also exist in Equestria.
These are just my hopes, though, not my canon -- given my hour-long time frame I left most of the piece up to interpretation, so anyone is free to interpret Summer's past, present, and future with their own ideas.
Again, thanks for reading; I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Please, please, please, continue this.
9819535
Much, much more frightening.
The idea that she believes that accepting this treatment is the only way she can be considered a good filly, it gives a good look into her mental state. Her not seeming the least bit angry with her father after being hit simply for interrupting his work, hints at the fact that abuse is normal for her. I can fully understand why Luna feels that she needed to act.
9819974
Sadly, it is all too common for abused people to think they deserve it. Because doing so forces one to confront being trapped in a horrific situation.
9819950
Hey, thanks for reading and enjoying! What would you suggest as a continuation? I planned this more like a one-shot to be honest, haha.
9820027
Another thing to note about the fillys situation, is the actions of Luna.
Unless I missed something, we're not given the exact timeframe i.e. season number, or how long its been since her return, but Luna does seem to have been around long enough to be aware that there are legal processes that she's skipping to let her sister take care of later. How dire does she believe the foals situation to be, how strong were these nightmares, that she felt the need to essentially abduct her to get her away from that environment? Or that she feels the need to stop them from adopting?
To the author: sorry if I'm putting way too much thought into this. This story struck a chord with me for some reason, I'm not entirely sure why, but I felt the need to dig into the subtext of the situation.
9820508
It's okay, I appreciate it! I in no way expected even half the amount of discussion put into this, so I'm really grateful
I didn't have much time during the contest to put too much thought into the nightmares, but I did write with the knowledge that abuse, especially sexual abuse, is widely correlated with sleep terrors, PTSD, and nightmares.
9820596
THATS IT! Now you’ve gone and gotten me invested.
You’ve stoked that small irrational flame sitting in my chest, that forgets for a moment that these are fictional characters we read about, and makes me truly worried or even afraid for said characters. It’s that feeling that makes me love reading to begin with.
I’m worried about this filly...
I don’t mean to put any pressure on you, I’d be fine and survive if this was all we got, but I agree with GreekFreakFan, this would be cool if we got a continuation of some degree. Just to make sure she’s ok...
I do like the subtlety of this “abuse” this filly is going through, which is what many other stories like this don’t do. But here’s my own question: If her parents are abusive, why would they adopt another foal? To put that new foal into the same abuse that Sweet Summer has been going through? Or something else?
Also, I was hoping to see Sweet’s reaction to Luna giving her parents a piece of her mind after how they treated her. Would she ever come to terms that what her parents do to her is wrong? I hope so.
9820901
Hey there, thanks for reading. To be honest, I didn't dive into this too deeply during the actual writing (had an hour total :P)
I can however, offer some insight into a couple reasons why it would happen. It's a complicated mess, and I can't claim to understand all of it myself. Sometimes parents are stuck in a cycle of abuse or don't realize their misdeeds, and they think they have the ability to have more children. Sometimes, they think their actions are fair and just, or if they don't, attempt to iron out whatever cognitive dissonance happens in their heads. And sometimes, they are just psychopaths. I certainly hope and believe that Sweet Summer will slowly begin to understand, though!
9820627
Your comments are seriously improving my daily mood, just wanted to let you know
Okay, okay, I'll take a look and see if anything comes to my head. I'm currently busy with university and also with writing another fic, Last Bastion, though! If I have time, I'll make it happen. And I'll bump it up even more if there's increased demand
9820087
Something like the consequences of Luna's actions, repercussions for Sweet Summer's parents, and how the public might react if her abuse gets out.
9820934
By all means take your time...
(remembers this was written in an hour)
Hmm...
GAH, logic, stop rebelling.
Anyway take your time, who knows where you might be able to take this if you put more then an hour. (maybe two? Radical thinking I know. lol)
Regardless, things like uni are (Luna forgive me for saying this) more important than ponies, so don’t let our excitement born from overthinking come as a distraction from things that will advance your future.
This was a good read. I liked how there were enough cues that you could get the gist of the situation even if not every detail clicks right away--me being my scatterbrained self, I passed right over one or two of the key moments. But rather than feeling like a reread was a necessity, it was just an optional way to enrich the experience, which I think is a good standard to aim for when it comes to subtlety.
Thanks for sharing this
9823495
And thank you for reading and commenting (and for the fave aaah) :)
Subtle and rather scary. I would agree with seeing a continuation. I like how you have Luna as a staunch figure of justice, even if her justice is unconventional and breaks the rules Celestia adheres to. It's something about their characters that is often overlooked.
10136450
Thank you! Luna's character was something that occured to me a little last-minute, to be honest, but I'm glad that it happened. Just came back from a 3-month hiatus, so I might take a look at a sequel, although no promises 😅 and I'm not even sure if I can write one as decent as this, too! 😅
10148486
I think that if you want to, you’ll be able to manage. Welcome back!
This is brilliant. Sequel please!
CLIFFHANGER. I NEED MORE. HOW COULD YOU?!