• Member Since 26th Aug, 2019
  • offline last seen January 16th

Dash--


Needless to say, life is a gust of wind, and I'm a leaf on a brisk Autumn day.

T

Twilight, as the new princess of Equestria, has to head off to the Crystal Empire when she receives a letter. After hearing about this on such short notice, Twilight cancels all of her plans for the next couple weeks for this important event, even the sleepover Rainbow Dash had asked her to go to. What Twilight didn't know was that she would be gone longer than she expected. What will Rainbow Dash do during this time? What will Twilight do during this time?


Help from Fantasia!

Chapters (6)
Comments ( 15 )

Let me know what y'all think about it, I'd appreciate some feedback!

And thanks for reading!

9810027
Well, since you asked for feedback...

First, let me just be the first to say congrats on your first fic, and welcome to Fimfiction! (It's always nice to see new TwiDash fics and authors). :twilightsmile:

As for the story itself, this is... okay so far, for the most part! There isn't really much to go off of, seeing as this is only chapter 1, but the spelling and grammar seems pretty on point. One thing that really stood out to me was that you seemed to be using periods at the end of dialogue that is proceeded by he or she said (shouted, asked, exclaimed, questioned, etc.). So a sentence like this:

"Hey Rainbow." Twilight shouted from the ground below without looking up.

Should look like:

"Hey Rainbow," Twilight shouted from the ground below without looking up.

There were some others areas where I think I caught some misplaced punctuation, but it was nothing that really detracted from the overall story. If you'd like though, I can always PM you with a list of these minor fixes and suggestions, if you'd like, but for now, I'd like to just sort of focus on the more glaring issues.

"Uh, Rainbow? Are you Alright? You seem like you got something on your mind."

'Alright' shouldn't be capitalized, unless you were going for emphasis, in which case I recommend you italicize it. :twilightblush:

"Heh, it's nothin. I was just thinking maybe, uh, you would... like to have a sleepover?" She said with a big blush starting and her hooves making shapes in the dirt.

'She' should be lowercase, if it proceeds dialogue, and... you may wanna consider being more specific when writing 'shapes'. Like, "she was idly drawing circles in the dirt," or "tracing her hoof in a circular-like pattern along the ground, as she hesitated telling her crush the truth." You know, something more vivid, that creates a scene in the reader's head. :rainbowwild:

"That would be wonderful Rainbow, please, come on in." Twilight responded with a welcoming smile. 'Now she's asking for a sleepover? What is going on? A sleepover does sound fun though, with spike being away in Canterlot and all.'

Spike's name here should be capitalized.

"So, do you want to read them in the study room, library, or in the room? I'm fine with either one."

I think it might sound a tad more natural to just say 'study' instead of 'study room,' and 'bedroom' as opposed to 'the room,' because otherwise, it comes off as a bit ambiguous. Like, what room is Twilight referring to?

Twilight smelled something she didn't recognize at first, until she saw where it came from. 'Did Rainbow use perfume? The Rainbow Dash used perfume. Now that is weird, she hates perfume. She even swore not to use any unless... No, she couldn't. There's no way.' Twilight paused for a second.

What does the perfume smell like? You have Twilight remark on it, so the smell must be somewhat strong and distinctive. Like, does it have a flowery aroma? Maybe a scent that is unique to pegasi and Cloudsdale, like the scent of rainbows or perhaps something weather-y, like the scent of the ocean, an autumn breeze, or spring showers? Maybe Twilight's favorite flowers, since she picked up on the scent pretty quickly. Again, try and make the scene as vivid as possible. These are just some suggestions. :twilightsmile:

A couple other things that stood out to me, plot-wise:

"Woah, okay, we can read a Daring Do book but you have to promise me you won't go flying around my castle." Twilight clarified before Rainbow could go farther. Both Rainbow and Twilight laughed nervously, both for different reasons.

Erm... what reasons? And why doesn't Twilight want Rainbow flying around? She knows that's what her friend excels at, and has been shown to enjoy watching Rainbow fly around. Does she perhaps mean that she doesn't want Rainbow to get too excited, or accidentally crash into something? If that's the case, maybe have her say something along the lines of, "try not to make a mess of things," or "don't you dare go reenacting any of the stunts from the book while you're here."

"Twilight, you must hurry. There was an incident with the crystal heart. It is gone. Please be here no later than Tomorrow. And you cannot bring any of your friends because that will start a panic if the crystal ponies see all six of you. I have already informed them that I have brought the heart inside the Crystal Palace but I am not sure how much longer that will work. Please Twilight, I am in need of your help to find this crystal heart.

Love,

Princess Cadance and Shining Armor"

Hrmm... Seems kinda like flimsy reasoning, don't you think? "Don't bring all your friends, or it will cause everypony to panic," but wouldn't Twilight, the Princess of Friendship, showing up... cause a public stir regardless? Almost sorta makes me wonder if this isn't actually Cadance/Shining Armor, and Twilight is being lured into a trap of some sort. It seems odd that the Crystal Heart would suddenly up and vanish, especially without either of them, or the crystal guardponies for that matter, noticing...

But yeah, I'm not sure when exactly this takes place... but it's definitely post-season 4, and so you'd think Twilight would have her map, and be going on paired missions by this point. In other words, surely Twilight would be able to bring at least one of her friends, right? The sight of two of them shouldn't really garnish too much attention, and that way, Rainbow could accompany Twilight, and maybe work on confessing to her, all while solving the mystery of the stolen heart. If anypony asked, they could say that they're simply on vacation or something.

That, and Rainbow is sorta the Element of Loyalty, and known to be quite persistent. You'd think she wouldn't be willing to just accept something as is, and let Twilight up and leave without a fight. Remember that she's a determined, if not slightly stubborn mare. :rainbowdetermined2:

I'm making a somewhat big deal out of this, because admittedly, it's what the whole story hinges on. The premise of Twilight leaving Rainbow for months on end with words unsaid doesn't really work when there's virtually no reason for Rainbow to not go with her, and like I said: it's in character for Rainbow to stubbornly follow her friend (and in this case, crush) to the ends of the earth. I just can't see her accepting defeat so easily. That just isn't the Rainbow Dash we know, and speaking of... Twilight isn't really acting like 'Twilight' either. What I mean is, even if Twilight is prone to overreacting, and sometimes acting before thinking... I just can't see her leaving for the Crystal Empire without so much as a single goodbye, or consulting her friends, maybe summoning them and having them convene in the map room, discuss the situation, etc...

I know the letter told Twilight to arrive by tomorrow, but... again, surely, Cadance and/or Shining would grant her a bit of leniency, and maybe instead tell her something along the lines of, "make it here as soon as you can," or something like that. :rainbowhuh:

And wouldn't the crystal ponies already be panicking, since the Crystal Heart is located beneath the castle itself, in plain view of everypony?

...look, I'm sorry if any of this comes off as hurtful, or too harsh. I don't mean for that to be the case, I just... The premise, as it is, just seems to come off as sorta contrived, forcing characters to act or react in a certain way because the plot demands it... even if it clashes with how the characters would normally act or behave.

Case in point, the setup just isn't very believable.

Not the Crystal Heart disappearing... Rather, the way everypony seems to be reacting to the situation.

So... my advice? Rethink this concept a bit. Maybe tweak it a little. It definitely has potential, don't get the wrong idea! Like I said earlier on too, I would be more than happy to offer any advice if you ever need it, and even edit this for you, if you'd like!

Again, please don't be discouraged by any of the things I said. I just think you have a good thing going, and want to see it succeed, that's all. I wouldn't have spent all this time typing this lengthy comment if I didn't! :twilightsheepish: Remember, practice makes perfect, and the more you write, the better you'll become! You said it yourself: this was your first story, so we should expect some errors, and... yeah, there definitely were... but it's nothing you can't fix. :twilightsmile:

Anyway, I will be tracking this, and looking forward to updates regardless... and I do hope you take some of my criticism into consideration.

Either way, I wish you all the best! :rainbowkiss::heart::twilightblush:

9811154
Yes, I knew that it wasn't such a good reason for Twilight to leave and the message did seem a little off. I was trying to get the chapter out as soon as I could and I couldn't get a hold of my friend who was supposed to edit the chapter. So, what I chose to do was read through it on my own a few times which didn't help too much, as you could see. 😂 It always helps to have another person to read through it to catch any mistakes I didn't know of like you caught many. And don't worry about coming off as discouraging, I was totally asking for it when I asked for feedback, and thank you for it, it really helps me get through some errors and whatnot. I also knew that there was going to be many mistakes, mostly because I rushed through writing it and it was a late night kinda thing. Also, I'd really appreciate it if you could edit this for me, if it's not a big deal. Or you could walk me through editing this just so I could get the idea of it.

9811236

Yes, I knew that it wasn't such a good reason for Twilight to leave and the message did seem a little off. I was trying to get the chapter out as soon as I could

I also knew that there was going to be many mistakes, mostly because I rushed through writing it and it was a late night kinda thing.

First word of advice: don't ever rush a chapter. Take your time with it. I mean... I understand the impending excitement of releasing something new, or updating something old, and all of the potential attention it'll garnish, believe me. It's unbearable I know, and you just want to put it out there as soon as possible... but as painstaking as it can be, you mustn't have such a lethargic attitude when it comes to your story, thinking either that it's good enough, or that no one will notice. I mean, it's true that maybe some won't, or will simply be able to gloss over it, but people like me will notice, and will be put off by these sorts of nuances. 😞 No, you really ought to take your time with these finer plot points, and make absolute certain that everything is narratively sound, however long it may take! I should know lol; the story I'm working on took years to update (granted I had my reasons and I don't advocate actually taking years), but I digress... 😅 It's okay to take weeks, or even months to finish your chapter. Don't ever feel obligated to get it out immediately, and do your best to stave off that impatience, and just focus on making your story as good as it can possibly be. That way, you'll attract more readers, followers, and all in all make the story more memorable in the long run. Your characters will resonate more with people, and they'll be more invested in the conflict, rather than asking themselves, "wait, why's this happening?" or "why is she asking this?"

Anyhoo... you said you read through this a few times on your own, and that's good! You definitely want to do that, and I think it did work, I mean, like I said in my previous comment: I really didn't catch any spelling or grammar mistakes, save for the few I pointed out... I'd say you did a good job proofreading. :twilightsmile: Really, the issues mainly just lie in the narrative and some of the dialogue, which brings me to my next point! Yes, I would be more than happy to edit for you, and offer whatever pointers I may have. Granted, I've... never really edited for another user before (this is sort of my first time offering my assistance), but I think I know a thing or two about writing. You can always take a look at my own stories if you'd like proof of that.

My schedule this week is a little busy, but not too bad. Tell you what! Since I'm still wide-awake, I'll get to work on typing up a sort of 'revised edition,' along with notes, spruced up dialogue, tips and pointers, the works! I'll PM it to you, and you can chose how much or how little of it you wish to use, the things you might wish to change, etc., since I won't be messing with the actual plot or anything (it's on you whether or not you want to change that). I've got my own story I'm currently working on too, so... I'll try and get this all to you by the end of today (it's currently 3am on Sunday where I am, so... yeah). Don't worry if I don't get back to you immediately. :twilightsheepish:

I'll preface this with my favorite line in the story, because the rest of my comment will be cold, hard, hopefully constructive criticism.

Rainbow had to admit, at times like these... she liked just how understanding Twilight could be.

It was one of the things she loved about her.

Simple. To the point. Beautiful.

'favorite' is perhaps a bit misleading, because I found the rest of the writing nothing to write home about. But that saying goes both ways, and that means I found nothing bad to write home about either. The narration is certainly readable, and especially so for a first story. There were, what, two or three instances of these unnecessary noun groups—'the lavender unicorn,' 'Princess Celestia's student,' 'the fiery beauty' and all the things like that—which I despise so much; and these instances didn't go the extent of my examples.

The spelling mistakes amount to typos and you understand said tags well, too. Not much of a praise, true, but worth mentioning all the same.

You also accept and welcome criticism. And take the time to reply to your commenters to boot! I can't say the same about many people. Including some 'big names.'

So, yes. Not a bad start.

Moving on to what's written rather than how it's written, I agree with Fantasia that there's something off about this letter.

The obvious thing is that it was brought by one of Celestia's guards as opposed to one from the Crystal Empire. It's obvious, but also easily explained. Canterlot is probably closer to Ponyville than said city-state is, and certainly not in the middle of the frozen north. I doubt a pegasus would make it past the constant blizzard, elite soldier or not.

This does make me wonder if either Cadance or Shining know how to use Spike for mail delivery. I don't remember any instance in canon, and Cadance herself is most likely too weak to do it herself, but Spike just so happened to be in Canterlot. Possibly even in the same building as Celestia. That would explain things nicely.

The letter's still fishy though. 'Don't bring the five other ponies who are literally necessary for the survival of our whole species. Even though the artifact that is literally necessary for the survival of our city just cracked. And the only pony who could slow the lethally-cold weather down while we evacuated the city is out of commission.'

Yeeeeeah.

There's also the whole 'the mare who's both my beloved wife and your adored foalsitter can barely move by herself, so it would be helpful if you came here' thing. It makes the whole thing sound optional. Which may make sense if Shining Armor knew things would get better without Twilight traveling to the Crytal Empire and simply informed her while at the same time offering her to spend some time with Cadance to cheer her up until she healed fully... but the context makes it very unlikely.

It's also strange that Spike isn't mentioned at all. I'd expect that from Shining Armor, but not from Cadance. Assuming either of them wrote the letter, that is. Staying with the characters' relationships, it'd have made sense for Shining Armor to not want Twilight's other friends around because he isn't close to any of them—the same probably goes for Cadance—and he may or may not have used "she may feel cluttered" as a polite excuse to shoo them away... but again, "the crystal heart suffered a major crack." This is not someone refusing to invite people he barely knows alongside the genuine relative he does invite.

Going back to how rather than what, the narration's point of view ping-ponging so fast and often between Rainbow Dash and Twilight really threw off the rhythm of the story for me, but that's probably on me and my obsession with writing stories with one, single in-character point of view.

I suggest mentioning the time of the day earlier. I only learned that the beginning scene occurred in the morning when Twilight mentioned—or rather thought about—why she left her castle in the first place. In the same vein, I only realized that she and Rainbow had been standing in front of that same castle when Twilight said "please, come on in" in the second scene... seven paragraphs in.

There was also a lot of confusion about "the bedroom."

If it's Twilight's actual bedroom, why are there six beds in there? If this story was right after Do Princesses Dream of Magic Sheep?, there would be six beds plus Twilight's princess-size one. If it's a guest room with six beds... why there and not in Twilight's bedroom? Is it because it's the biggest room and as such, offers Rainbow the most room to fly around? If so, it's probably a good idea to mention it. And if it's indeed a guest room, why does Twilight call it "the bedroom?" If it's because that's the room they prefer for spending time together and it just so happens to have beds, ergo "bedroom," it should be mentioned as well.

Then the guard knocks "on the castle's doors" and Twilight goes to answer... but the whole scene is written in such a way that it looks like he was standing outside of the bedroom's door instead. Twilight is not described as traveling through the castle, and Rainbow appears to have not moved at all and to have been standing there at the same time, all the while witnessing the guard giving Twilight the letter... apparently from the bed she was sitting on, because there's no description of her at all before she "hesitantly spoke up." Again, apparently while still sitting on the bed.

Before going to the corrections, I'd remove the two instances of "Autumn" after the first time it's used. It's not necessary to use this specific adjective when describing the weather/air as cold works just fine on its own.

Now, mistakes;

A look that Twilight couldn't say no to, much less bare to let down.

much less bear to let down

Rainbow's heart skipped, staring at her, startled.

the way it's written, it's Rainbow's heart rather than she that's staring at Twilight after being startled

I mean, it's juts a few simple words!

it's just a few simple words

I have plenty of those in that closet that closet over there!

in that closet in that room

And finally; despite all this criticism, I do enjoy the premise. Twilight and Rainbow Dash, then Cadance and the Crystal Empire. My flame for Twidash has cooled down to dull embers over the years, but it's still there, so I'll be reading about a ship I like rather than one that makes me roll my eyes. So yes. Not a bad start at all.

9836323
I'll be sure to correct it and all that once I have the chance. For right now I need to focus on school work. Thanks for the feedback!

Good chapter, an't wait for more. Also, thank you so much for mentioning me on your author's notes! I truly appreciated it!

9898727
Thanks. Really. It means a lot to me that people are actually reading.
And you're welcome.

Twidash is literally the best ship, so I'm really happy there is a new TwiDash author!

With all of this waiting, Rainbow Dash just fly to the Crystal Empire despite being told not to. Here’s hoping.

Nice chapter!

9953518

TwiDash is going to always have a place in my heart. It's the best!

Beautiful fanfic,I like it

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