Rainbow Dash had been waiting on a cloud she had put together out front of Twilight's castle. The cool Autumn breeze flowing through her mane. She couldn't help but smile as the wind ruffled her mane. This is the day. I'm going to tell her, she thought with a determined look.
When she heard Twilight close the door to her castle, she snapped out of her thoughts and opened her mouth to greet her friend, but nothing came out.
"Hey, Rainbow!" Twilight called out from the ground below, knowing that Rainbow would be there. After hearing no reply, she glanced at the cloud Rainbow liked to wait for her on and saw her colourful, vibrant mane and cerulean head quickly duck behind the fluffy cloud, "I know you're up there, Rainbow," she deadpanned, staring dryly at the cloud. "I saw you. Are you alright, or are you just playing around?"
"I, uh... y-yeah, I'm alright. Just thinking," Rainbow replied, sheepishly coming back into view as her words steadily grew quieter.
Twilight barely caught wind of that last part but didn't ask. She was already running a bit late as is.
"Alright," Twilight replied skeptically, remaining no less suspicious as she proceeded. "Well, see you later, I guess. I'm heading off to the market to pick up some food for dinner." Twilight bit her bottom lip, averting her eyes to the ground. "Unless..." she drew out the word, beating around the bush as she hesitated asking her question, "you'd like to join me?" she asked, her voice carrying a slight, hopeful tone with each word as she lifted her gaze to meet her friend's. She then blinked, pausing for a moment as she came to realize that it was happening again. The symptoms, she had called them. Her heart was beating steadily faster, her face growing ever warmer.
She groaned internally. This had been happening a lot recently, whenever she was near Rainbow...
Just then, an idea popped into Rainbow's head. I can ask her if we can have a sleepover, then I will tell her. Yeah, that's a great plan! Rainbow felt calmer every time she talked things out in her head.
She decided to ask Twilight later and go with her to the market. "Yes! I mean, uh yeah sure," she tried to correct herself after replying too fast.
"Well, come on then! We won't get anywhere if you're on that cloud the whole time."
At this point, Twilight was in a rush to get to the market before everypony else did so she could be one of the first in the lines. The market was always a crowded place in the mornings, but not this early. At this rate, she would be waiting in lines for longer than she was hoping.
Rainbow was quick to jump off the cloud, gliding down before joining up with Twilight to walk alongside her. "Right, coming. Don't wanna be last in line. Those lines are always super boring." Rainbow noticed she was walking closer and closer to Twilight, and placed herself at a nice, comfortable distance, that wasn't too close. "What are you going to get? While you are at one shop, I could head over to another to get the other things you need." She was eager to get the shopping out of the way so she could ask the question that was bothering her.
Twilight leaned her head back with one eyebrow raised in astonishment at the offer. "Oh, um... well, I-I don't know, Rainbow, I appreciate it... thank you," she said with a relieved smile. She looked over to Rainbow Dash but found that Rainbow wasn't completely paying attention. "Rainbow?"
Rainbow jumped at the sound of Twilight calling her name. "Y-yeah, no problem," she blurted all the while grinning nervously.
"So, is that all that you needed?" Rainbow asked while motioning to the bag she was holding on her foreleg. "Cause I've got everything that you asked me to get, with two bits to spare!" Twilight had given her enough bits to pay for all of the food, after all.
"Wow, Rainbow, since when have you been so willing to help? Usually you're either napping or flying." Twilight accused Rainbow in a playful manner while giggling.
"Well, I just thought that my best friend needed my help and..." Rainbow was at a loss for words. She didn't know what to say. She had wanted to tell Twilight how she truly felt about her for a while now, but could never muster the courage to do so. Why's it so stinkin' hard to tell your best friend how you really feel?
"Uh, Rainbow? Are you alright? You seem like you have something on your mind." Twilight furrowed her brow in concern, as she gazed in confusion towards her longtime friend. First she was acting unlike herself on the cloud, then she wanted to help me with shopping, which she hates doing... and now she is acting nervous again. What is going on with her? I don't mind if she helps or anything, but it's just odd for her to actually offer.
"Heh, it's nothin," she replied coolly, while unperceived by the alicorn, her right hoof was idly tracing circles in the dirt. "I was just thinking that you, uh... would maybe like to have a sleepover?" she asked as she instinctively winced, bracing herself for the inevitable rejection.
Her friend's invitation gave her pause. Now she's asking for a sleepover? What the hay's going on? It does sound fun though, with Spike and Starlight being away in Canterlot and all. Twilight continued to ponder the thought... when it occurred to her that her friend was awaiting her answer with a hopeful look in her eyes. A look that Twilight couldn't say no to, much less bear to let down.
So instead, she gave a welcoming smile. "That would be wonderful, Rainbow. Please, come on in." Rainbow's face lit up in both relief and joy as her best friend giggled some more, opening up the doors to her castle.
The two walked inside, Twilight feeling right at home once more, and both just glad to be inside and out of the chilly weather. Entering the castle's kitchen, Rainbow laid down her grocery bag on the center counter, while Twilight was fast at work unloading various fruits, vegetables, and other beverages into the fridge.
Several minutes went on by without a peep from either one of them, Twilight seemingly too invested in her chore to even think of making small talk. Rainbow fidgeted anxiously in place, having had just about all she could stand.
She opened her mouth... when the unexpected all of a sudden happened.
"So, what time are you going to show up so I can maybe squeeze in some chores before then?"
Rainbow's heart skipped. She stared at Twilight, startled. She breathed out deeply, hoping to try and compose herself. "Y-yeah, so, uh... I'll uh, swing by around nine—i-if that's alright with you!" she added worryingly.
Twilight smiled back at her, simply nodding her head and doing wonders to ease her nerves.
Phew... Rainbow looked up in relief at the bedroom clock, only to see it was already ten in the morning. Well, at least I gave myself eleven hours to work up the courage to tell her... and undoubtedly make a fool of myself, she deplored, before quickly doing away with the disparaging thought. No! she decided, I can't keep pushing this out of the way! I... I have to tell her tonight.
She turned without remembering to say goodbye, leaving her friend confounded as she proceeded towards the door to the kitchen.
Yes, she assured herself, overcome with an air of determination, all I have to do is tell her how I feel. I am Rainbow Dash, after all. It would be totally uncool of me to give up without even trying! I mean, it's just a few simple words! That's it. Nothing more, nothing less. Easy shmeezy! Heh...
Her confidence quickly sunk, worry and doubt setting back in.
Oh, who am I kidding...? She bowed her head in dismay. Easier said than done...
Rainbow Dash found herself facing the door of the castle. She raised a hoof to the door and knocked. After what seemed to be a minute of waiting, she heard the door begin to open with a purple magic aura covering it.
"H-hey, Twilight," Rainbow greeted her friend with a sorry smile. "Sorry I'm running a bit late, I just... lost track of time, y'know?"
"Oh no worries, Rainbow. It's only ten minutes past nine! There's nothing wrong with that—unless of course you're late for a meeting with Princess Celestia herself."
The two shared a knowing laugh. Rainbow had to admit, at times like these... she liked just how understanding Twilight could be.
It was one of the things she loved about her.
Twilight collected herself, stepping aside and motioning for her friend to step inside. "Well, what are you waiting for? I'm sure it's freezing out there!"
"Heh. Thanks, Twilight." Rainbow smiled back at her.
Silence set in between them as the two walked into the castle, and, as they proceeded through the main foyer... a certain subject still weighed on Twilight's mind.
"Hey, Rainbow? All day you've been acting... well, how should I put this? Awkward," Twilight said with a calm yet concerned tone. "Do you maybe want to talk about it?"
Rainbow's breath froze before she frantically explained, "It's nothing! I-it's not important. We can talk about it later, but right now, let's do something cool. Maybe something like, reading the latest Daring Do books or you could show me a cool book series that is like the Daring Do books."
Twilight gasped, her eyes sparkling with excitement. "What about a board game? I have plenty of those in that closet over there!" she said as she raised her foreleg to point to a door down the hallway. She smelled something she didn't recognize at first, until she saw where it came from. Did Rainbow use perfume? It almost smells like... roses? That's odd, I don't think Rainbow uses perfume. Unless... she paused for a second.
Rainbow spoke before Twilight could continue any further. "I guess a board game would be cool."
She shrugged, after all, she just wanted be around Twilight.
"So, you go into the bedroom, and I'll go get the games we can play, alright?" Twilight started off towards the closet to get the board games.
Rainbow walked into the open room. It seemed to be the biggest room in the castle, other than the map room. She set down her saddlebag, which was, for the most part, empty. She had only brought her favorite Daring Do book to read later. She sat down on one of the six beds that were in the room and waited patiently for Twilight to come in with the games.
Twilight had just set the board games down and released them from her magic when they both heard a rushed knocking on the castle's doors. "I wonder who that could be..." Twilight whispered as she walked to the doors and opened one slightly. Seeing that it was only one of Celestia's guards, she opened the door even more.
"Pardon this interruption, but I have an important message for you, Your Highness," the guard stated, while giving Twilight a letter.
"Thank you, and Twilight is just fine; you don't need to call me Your Highness."
Before Twilight could say anything else, the guard was back into the night sky. The sky was lit up by all of the sparkling stars. Each star, seemingly, taking turns blinking.
Once she caught up, Rainbow hesitantly spoke up after Twilight had closed the door to her castle. "So what is that letter about? It must be important if you got it this late at night."
"I have no idea what it is, but yes, it has to be very important." agreed Twilight. She opened the scroll and began reading aloud:
"Hey, Twily. I'm sorry for the short notice, but the crystal heart suffered a major fracture, and Cadance has fallen ill due to this; she can't even get out of bed without help. If you could get here as soon as possible that would be helpful. Please don't bring along any of your friends or she may feel cluttered. I hope to see you soon. We need you here.
Love,
Shining Armor"
"Oh no, oh no no no! I-I have to go," Twilight exclaimed as she was already running to her bedroom to gather some supplies.
As Twilight was dashing from room to room with papers and books in her magical grasp, Rainbow was trying to reason with her, hoping to calm her down. "C'mon Twilight, don't you think that you're overreacting a bit? I mean, yeah it's important, but you don't need to panic about it! Just, stop for a second and take a deep breath."
However, Twilight wasn't paying attention to her friend that was following her throughout the castle rooms. Once her saddlebag was filled, she packed another bag full of warm clothes to wear on nights like this night, the breezy Autumn air ruffling the leaves that the trees had left.
With her magic, Twilight grabbed a quill and began writing messages for her other friends, and finally spoke up after writing five complete messages. "Rainbow Dash, I need you to give these to the others for me, okay? I'm sorry for leaving so abruptly but I need to hurry up and get to the train station before I miss the last train tonight."
Before Rainbow could get a word in edgewise, she was given the notes and left alone in the doorway of the castle.
Rainbow Dash, feeling alone, abandoned even, now sat where she had once stood before.
"Twilight, I..."
Let me know what y'all think about it, I'd appreciate some feedback!
And thanks for reading!
9810027
Well, since you asked for feedback...
First, let me just be the first to say congrats on your first fic, and welcome to Fimfiction! (It's always nice to see new TwiDash fics and authors).
As for the story itself, this is... okay so far, for the most part! There isn't really much to go off of, seeing as this is only chapter 1, but the spelling and grammar seems pretty on point. One thing that really stood out to me was that you seemed to be using periods at the end of dialogue that is proceeded by he or she said (shouted, asked, exclaimed, questioned, etc.). So a sentence like this:
Should look like:
There were some others areas where I think I caught some misplaced punctuation, but it was nothing that really detracted from the overall story. If you'd like though, I can always PM you with a list of these minor fixes and suggestions, if you'd like, but for now, I'd like to just sort of focus on the more glaring issues.
'Alright' shouldn't be capitalized, unless you were going for emphasis, in which case I recommend you italicize it.
'She' should be lowercase, if it proceeds dialogue, and... you may wanna consider being more specific when writing 'shapes'. Like, "she was idly drawing circles in the dirt," or "tracing her hoof in a circular-like pattern along the ground, as she hesitated telling her crush the truth." You know, something more vivid, that creates a scene in the reader's head.
Spike's name here should be capitalized.
I think it might sound a tad more natural to just say 'study' instead of 'study room,' and 'bedroom' as opposed to 'the room,' because otherwise, it comes off as a bit ambiguous. Like, what room is Twilight referring to?
What does the perfume smell like? You have Twilight remark on it, so the smell must be somewhat strong and distinctive. Like, does it have a flowery aroma? Maybe a scent that is unique to pegasi and Cloudsdale, like the scent of rainbows or perhaps something weather-y, like the scent of the ocean, an autumn breeze, or spring showers? Maybe Twilight's favorite flowers, since she picked up on the scent pretty quickly. Again, try and make the scene as vivid as possible. These are just some suggestions.
A couple other things that stood out to me, plot-wise:
Erm... what reasons? And why doesn't Twilight want Rainbow flying around? She knows that's what her friend excels at, and has been shown to enjoy watching Rainbow fly around. Does she perhaps mean that she doesn't want Rainbow to get too excited, or accidentally crash into something? If that's the case, maybe have her say something along the lines of, "try not to make a mess of things," or "don't you dare go reenacting any of the stunts from the book while you're here."
Hrmm... Seems kinda like flimsy reasoning, don't you think? "Don't bring all your friends, or it will cause everypony to panic," but wouldn't Twilight, the Princess of Friendship, showing up... cause a public stir regardless? Almost sorta makes me wonder if this isn't actually Cadance/Shining Armor, and Twilight is being lured into a trap of some sort. It seems odd that the Crystal Heart would suddenly up and vanish, especially without either of them, or the crystal guardponies for that matter, noticing...
But yeah, I'm not sure when exactly this takes place... but it's definitely post-season 4, and so you'd think Twilight would have her map, and be going on paired missions by this point. In other words, surely Twilight would be able to bring at least one of her friends, right? The sight of two of them shouldn't really garnish too much attention, and that way, Rainbow could accompany Twilight, and maybe work on confessing to her, all while solving the mystery of the stolen heart. If anypony asked, they could say that they're simply on vacation or something.
That, and Rainbow is sorta the Element of Loyalty, and known to be quite persistent. You'd think she wouldn't be willing to just accept something as is, and let Twilight up and leave without a fight. Remember that she's a determined, if not slightly stubborn mare.
I'm making a somewhat big deal out of this, because admittedly, it's what the whole story hinges on. The premise of Twilight leaving Rainbow for months on end with words unsaid doesn't really work when there's virtually no reason for Rainbow to not go with her, and like I said: it's in character for Rainbow to stubbornly follow her friend (and in this case, crush) to the ends of the earth. I just can't see her accepting defeat so easily. That just isn't the Rainbow Dash we know, and speaking of... Twilight isn't really acting like 'Twilight' either. What I mean is, even if Twilight is prone to overreacting, and sometimes acting before thinking... I just can't see her leaving for the Crystal Empire without so much as a single goodbye, or consulting her friends, maybe summoning them and having them convene in the map room, discuss the situation, etc...
I know the letter told Twilight to arrive by tomorrow, but... again, surely, Cadance and/or Shining would grant her a bit of leniency, and maybe instead tell her something along the lines of, "make it here as soon as you can," or something like that.
And wouldn't the crystal ponies already be panicking, since the Crystal Heart is located beneath the castle itself, in plain view of everypony?
...look, I'm sorry if any of this comes off as hurtful, or too harsh. I don't mean for that to be the case, I just... The premise, as it is, just seems to come off as sorta contrived, forcing characters to act or react in a certain way because the plot demands it... even if it clashes with how the characters would normally act or behave.
Case in point, the setup just isn't very believable.
Not the Crystal Heart disappearing... Rather, the way everypony seems to be reacting to the situation.
So... my advice? Rethink this concept a bit. Maybe tweak it a little. It definitely has potential, don't get the wrong idea! Like I said earlier on too, I would be more than happy to offer any advice if you ever need it, and even edit this for you, if you'd like!
Again, please don't be discouraged by any of the things I said. I just think you have a good thing going, and want to see it succeed, that's all. I wouldn't have spent all this time typing this lengthy comment if I didn't! Remember, practice makes perfect, and the more you write, the better you'll become! You said it yourself: this was your first story, so we should expect some errors, and... yeah, there definitely were... but it's nothing you can't fix.
Anyway, I will be tracking this, and looking forward to updates regardless... and I do hope you take some of my criticism into consideration.
Either way, I wish you all the best!
9811154
Yes, I knew that it wasn't such a good reason for Twilight to leave and the message did seem a little off. I was trying to get the chapter out as soon as I could and I couldn't get a hold of my friend who was supposed to edit the chapter. So, what I chose to do was read through it on my own a few times which didn't help too much, as you could see. 😂 It always helps to have another person to read through it to catch any mistakes I didn't know of like you caught many. And don't worry about coming off as discouraging, I was totally asking for it when I asked for feedback, and thank you for it, it really helps me get through some errors and whatnot. I also knew that there was going to be many mistakes, mostly because I rushed through writing it and it was a late night kinda thing. Also, I'd really appreciate it if you could edit this for me, if it's not a big deal. Or you could walk me through editing this just so I could get the idea of it.
9811236
First word of advice: don't ever rush a chapter. Take your time with it. I mean... I understand the impending excitement of releasing something new, or updating something old, and all of the potential attention it'll garnish, believe me. It's unbearable I know, and you just want to put it out there as soon as possible... but as painstaking as it can be, you mustn't have such a lethargic attitude when it comes to your story, thinking either that it's good enough, or that no one will notice. I mean, it's true that maybe some won't, or will simply be able to gloss over it, but people like me will notice, and will be put off by these sorts of nuances. 😞 No, you really ought to take your time with these finer plot points, and make absolute certain that everything is narratively sound, however long it may take! I should know lol; the story I'm working on took years to update (granted I had my reasons and I don't advocate actually taking years), but I digress... 😅 It's okay to take weeks, or even months to finish your chapter. Don't ever feel obligated to get it out immediately, and do your best to stave off that impatience, and just focus on making your story as good as it can possibly be. That way, you'll attract more readers, followers, and all in all make the story more memorable in the long run. Your characters will resonate more with people, and they'll be more invested in the conflict, rather than asking themselves, "wait, why's this happening?" or "why is she asking this?"
Anyhoo... you said you read through this a few times on your own, and that's good! You definitely want to do that, and I think it did work, I mean, like I said in my previous comment: I really didn't catch any spelling or grammar mistakes, save for the few I pointed out... I'd say you did a good job proofreading. Really, the issues mainly just lie in the narrative and some of the dialogue, which brings me to my next point! Yes, I would be more than happy to edit for you, and offer whatever pointers I may have. Granted, I've... never really edited for another user before (this is sort of my first time offering my assistance), but I think I know a thing or two about writing. You can always take a look at my own stories if you'd like proof of that.
My schedule this week is a little busy, but not too bad. Tell you what! Since I'm still wide-awake, I'll get to work on typing up a sort of 'revised edition,' along with notes, spruced up dialogue, tips and pointers, the works! I'll PM it to you, and you can chose how much or how little of it you wish to use, the things you might wish to change, etc., since I won't be messing with the actual plot or anything (it's on you whether or not you want to change that). I've got my own story I'm currently working on too, so... I'll try and get this all to you by the end of today (it's currently 3am on Sunday where I am, so... yeah). Don't worry if I don't get back to you immediately.
I'll preface this with my favorite line in the story, because the rest of my comment will be cold, hard, hopefully constructive criticism.
Simple. To the point. Beautiful.
'favorite' is perhaps a bit misleading, because I found the rest of the writing nothing to write home about. But that saying goes both ways, and that means I found nothing bad to write home about either. The narration is certainly readable, and especially so for a first story. There were, what, two or three instances of these unnecessary noun groups—'the lavender unicorn,' 'Princess Celestia's student,' 'the fiery beauty' and all the things like that—which I despise so much; and these instances didn't go the extent of my examples.
The spelling mistakes amount to typos and you understand said tags well, too. Not much of a praise, true, but worth mentioning all the same.
You also accept and welcome criticism. And take the time to reply to your commenters to boot! I can't say the same about many people. Including some 'big names.'
So, yes. Not a bad start.
Moving on to what's written rather than how it's written, I agree with Fantasia that there's something off about this letter.
The obvious thing is that it was brought by one of Celestia's guards as opposed to one from the Crystal Empire. It's obvious, but also easily explained. Canterlot is probably closer to Ponyville than said city-state is, and certainly not in the middle of the frozen north. I doubt a pegasus would make it past the constant blizzard, elite soldier or not.
This does make me wonder if either Cadance or Shining know how to use Spike for mail delivery. I don't remember any instance in canon, and Cadance herself is most likely too weak to do it herself, but Spike just so happened to be in Canterlot. Possibly even in the same building as Celestia. That would explain things nicely.
The letter's still fishy though. 'Don't bring the five other ponies who are literally necessary for the survival of our whole species. Even though the artifact that is literally necessary for the survival of our city just cracked. And the only pony who could slow the lethally-cold weather down while we evacuated the city is out of commission.'
Yeeeeeah.
There's also the whole 'the mare who's both my beloved wife and your adored foalsitter can barely move by herself, so it would be helpful if you came here' thing. It makes the whole thing sound optional. Which may make sense if Shining Armor knew things would get better without Twilight traveling to the Crytal Empire and simply informed her while at the same time offering her to spend some time with Cadance to cheer her up until she healed fully... but the context makes it very unlikely.
It's also strange that Spike isn't mentioned at all. I'd expect that from Shining Armor, but not from Cadance. Assuming either of them wrote the letter, that is. Staying with the characters' relationships, it'd have made sense for Shining Armor to not want Twilight's other friends around because he isn't close to any of them—the same probably goes for Cadance—and he may or may not have used "she may feel cluttered" as a polite excuse to shoo them away... but again, "the crystal heart suffered a major crack." This is not someone refusing to invite people he barely knows alongside the genuine relative he does invite.
Going back to how rather than what, the narration's point of view ping-ponging so fast and often between Rainbow Dash and Twilight really threw off the rhythm of the story for me, but that's probably on me and my obsession with writing stories with one, single in-character point of view.
I suggest mentioning the time of the day earlier. I only learned that the beginning scene occurred in the morning when Twilight mentioned—or rather thought about—why she left her castle in the first place. In the same vein, I only realized that she and Rainbow had been standing in front of that same castle when Twilight said "please, come on in" in the second scene... seven paragraphs in.
There was also a lot of confusion about "the bedroom."
If it's Twilight's actual bedroom, why are there six beds in there? If this story was right after Do Princesses Dream of Magic Sheep?, there would be six beds plus Twilight's princess-size one. If it's a guest room with six beds... why there and not in Twilight's bedroom? Is it because it's the biggest room and as such, offers Rainbow the most room to fly around? If so, it's probably a good idea to mention it. And if it's indeed a guest room, why does Twilight call it "the bedroom?" If it's because that's the room they prefer for spending time together and it just so happens to have beds, ergo "bedroom," it should be mentioned as well.
Then the guard knocks "on the castle's doors" and Twilight goes to answer... but the whole scene is written in such a way that it looks like he was standing outside of the bedroom's door instead. Twilight is not described as traveling through the castle, and Rainbow appears to have not moved at all and to have been standing there at the same time, all the while witnessing the guard giving Twilight the letter... apparently from the bed she was sitting on, because there's no description of her at all before she "hesitantly spoke up." Again, apparently while still sitting on the bed.
Before going to the corrections, I'd remove the two instances of "Autumn" after the first time it's used. It's not necessary to use this specific adjective when describing the weather/air as cold works just fine on its own.
Now, mistakes;
much less bear to let down
the way it's written, it's Rainbow's heart rather than she that's staring at Twilight after being startled
it's just a few simple words
in that closet in that room
And finally; despite all this criticism, I do enjoy the premise. Twilight and Rainbow Dash, then Cadance and the Crystal Empire. My flame for Twidash has cooled down to dull embers over the years, but it's still there, so I'll be reading about a ship I like rather than one that makes me roll my eyes. So yes. Not a bad start at all.
9836323
I'll be sure to correct it and all that once I have the chance. For right now I need to focus on school work. Thanks for the feedback!