Metal and blood

by red reaper

welcome to the Jungle

Three days passed by since the group started their quest to find the black dragons. Food almost run out, water supplies were at the bottom, and Merry wasn’t certain about the two predators that were with her, and she started to get worried. “So how are we going to get to Ponyville from here?” Merry asked Doc as the two followed Griev in the desert from Klugetown, and Griev flew above them, hiding the sun from their bodies, and looked at the horizon, searching something. “I mean it would take us a year until we find somepony, the food is almost out, and I am worried what would happen after...” Merry looked at Doc, and she saw him raising an eyebrow, “Not that I’m not trusting you.”

Doc wasn’t insulted, he just chuckled as he looked at Merry, “Do not need to worry about me, my former master ripped out my Aphroditus long ago, so I won’t feed on your love. And about Griev,” Doc looked at the griffon, and he sighed, “Let’s just say that he will not eat any meat.”

“What do you mean by any meat?” Merry asked the changeling, as the sun started shine on them, and Merry looked up to see Griev diving towards her.

“There is a jungle in the distance,” Griev landed in front of the changeling and the mare, interrupting their conversation, “If we go faster, we will arrive before the sun will set.”

“A jungle?” Merry raised an eyebrow, “Are you sure you saw a jungle in the desert?”

“Yes,” Griev answered as he looked at the mare, “The forbidden jungle next to the desert.” Griev took his back and took a map out, and showed it to Doc and Merry, “We need to move across the jungle, then we would arrive at Everfree, and from there to Ponyville.”

“Or...” Merry took the map from Griev’s claws and pointed at the path to a rocky area, “We can go through the badlands, and from there we can take an easy path to Ponyville.” Griev looked at Doc, and then he looked at Merry.

“How do you think the unicorns found us?” Griev asked Merry.

“I don’t know,” Merry shrugged.

“They followed us,” Griev answered coldly, “Blood Debt wants you, and the badlands are filled with dragons that would love good connection with Blood Debt.”

Merry sighed, and she nodded, “I guess we don’t have much of a choice, we are going to the forbidden jungle!” As the two started to walk away, the mare whispered to herself in fear, “May Celestia help me.”

---

It was dusk when the three arrived at the jungle, the sun was painted the sky with beautiful red and orange, and she laid her head on the mountains in the horizon. Griev led the group, cutting through the trees, and looked for any danger. Doc followed him as he checked the map, and Merry was followed the two as she looked at the glowing eyes that watched them. “We should stop here now,” Doc suggested, “We need the rest.”

" Here it’s not safe, there is a temple close by,” Griev answered, as checked the eyes, “We will stop there.”

“Have you been here?” Merry asked, surprised by Griev’s knowledge of the jungle. Griev did not answer, he just looked at the trees behind them, and he pointed the gun at them. Griev focused his eyes on the trees, and he knelt down.

“Duck,” Griev whispered to Merry and Doc, “And be quiet.” Merry started to get nervous as she walked towards the griffon.

“Do you see something?” Merry asked Griev as he kept looking at the trees, and she looked at the same direction, but she saw nothing.

“Chimera.” Griev answered and Merry started to get nervous. The sound of walking echoed through the woods, and with every step that she heard, Merry’s heart beat faster. “Don’t make any sound,” Griev told Merry as Doc leaned next to him.

“We can just let it go,” Doc suggested, “Perhaps it won’t attack us.”

Griev didn’t even look at Doc as he answered, “I don’t take the odds.” Griev put his back on the ground, and he took a blue small bottle, and after he refueled the gun, it’s light changed from red to blue. Griev took a deep breath, he aimed the gun at the beast, and he took three shot, sending three blue bolts at it, and they heard the beast fall.

“Did you just?” Merry asked Griev as he looked at Doc.

“Tranquilizer,” Griev told Merry as he turned his face back to Doc, “How many bottles do we have of it?”

“Three including this one” Doc told Griev, “I suggested we would move now, before it would wake.”

“Agree,” Griev took his bag back as Merry ran to keep up with the griffon and the changeling, still amazed from the shot, but she was confused.

“Why didn’t you just killed it?” Merry asked Griev as he stood in his place, “From what I have heard about you, you killed already ponies, yaks, even griffons. Why didn’t you killed the Chimera?”

“Those whom I killed were criminals who did not care enough for others’ lives,” Griev looked at Merry, and anger was in anger was in his gaze, “I came to the chimera’s jungle, I would not kill it.” The tension between the two was unnerving, creating the atmosphere of fear and rage, until it was cut by Griev, “We should move now.” Merry rolled her eyes and nodded.

---

Night came, and the three sat across the bonfire that Griev set up, and they ate the last supplies of food, as the shadows of the flames danced on the trees. The sound of the animals did not cause stress to Merry, she got used to them by now. As Griev finished his meal, he left the two and took his gun.

“Wait, so he would not kill animals, or he would?” Merry asked Doc as she sat next him and ate an apple.

“It’s complicated,” Doc smiled, “Like Griev, his ideology about killing is kind of flexible. As I understand, he would kill those who have harm on purpose, like kidnapping, robbing, and murder. Those who kill to survive he would not hunt, but if they try to kill him, he would fight back.”

“That... That’s a lot of rules,” Merry laughed, “How can you keep with Mr. Shiny?”

“Well,” Doc looked at Merry, “It’s a long story.”

Comments

[Russian Bank Teller]

now thats EDGY

[moviemaster8510]

C R A W L I N G I N M Y
R
A
A
A
A
A
A
W
L

[red reaper]

9757194
what?

[Spooksi]

Cyborg griffin holding a gun. If that doesn't scream edgy I don't know what does.

[red reaper]

9757562
If in edgy you mean awesome, I agree

[Salty Alty]

9757570
I'm fairly sure that he means "edgy."

[red reaper]

9792573
Edgy is good isn't it

[Salty Alty]

So. You wanted constructive criticism. Here's my two cents. Edgy is not good.

Now for the long winded criticism.

The grammar, and for that matter, the quality of the writing, is atrocious. Numerous capitalization errors, typos, etc. plague the story and it looks as if a third grader had written it. I'd suggest either installing Grammarly to assist you, or popping over to Khan Academy and taking the free english course offered there, because you sorely need it.

Your OC here is, for all intents and purposes, cut from the cookie cutter mold of "Edgy heartless killer that occasionally gives a fuck and has morals." I can certainly see why you think it's cool and badass, but your OC has about as much depth as one of those kiddie pools you'd buy at the dollar store for ten bucks. Incredibly uninteresting to read, and combine that with the poor grammar it makes for a... less than ideal mix. Attached are some articles to help you make this character, as well as future ones, interesting and compelling on at least some level.

All I can suggest from there is read other people's work and see what they did right. I'd recommend Law Abiding Brony's "Of The Hive" series, as well as "Bad Mondays" by Handyman, and "What is Love?" by Little Big Pony.

[red reaper]

9792587
Thank you, and I would be glad if you give to other works of me feedback

[Salty Alty]

9792588
Remember what I said about cookie cutter molds? Nearly all of your stories are the same thematically. Edgy OC wanting revenge on so and so or is fighting against the odds. I can certainly understand sticking to your style, but that's all you write. It's like expecting the newest Fast and Furious movie to be any different from the past eleven in the series.

I can guarantee you that if I took a look at each individual story of yours I would find the same issues I did here.

[Jatheus]

9808688
I like parts of it. As a whole, it's just not quite there.

That having been said, there are enough good elements to this that it could become a great story if you keep working at it. Write until you reach the end, then come back and flesh out everything, fixing the spelling and grammar.

I'll give it another try at that time.

[red reaper]

9808735
Please P.M me what do you think need to be approved and what you liked so I won't take it out

[GalaxyBrainOhO]

Okay, I know I haven't read this and it's probably wrong to judge a story by it's description... But, can anyone blame me?