The fallen Prince

Lord Bearious, son of King Kronus and queen Gaia, had it all, before it was snapped away.

thanks to https://www.fimfiction.net/manage/messages/14501408/proofreader for editing the story

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Comments ( 6 )

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Jaycren

Jaycren #1 · Aug 19th, 2019 · · ·

This reads more like a prologue then a one shot. I like it and look forward to what comes next.

red reaper

red reaper #2 · Aug 19th, 2019 · · 2 ·

9789322
It is a level one story of the villain team up I told you about

Jaycren

Jaycren #3 · Aug 19th, 2019 · · ·

9789340
I'm aware. Was trying not to spoil it, but I think my critique still stands. This feels like the prologue to that story and maybe should be there. But I respect your creative decision and agency. I continue to look forward to what comes next. However you choose to present it, I am sure it will be enjoyable. I followed you for a reason after all.

red reaper

red reaper #4 · Aug 19th, 2019 · · 2 ·

9789351
And I can't wait for your story

Toriandthehorse

Toriandthehorse #5 · Sep 17th, 2019 · 1 · ·

This is one of my favorite out of your stories! (And I've read quite a few of them by now ) Some parts I noticed that I couldn't let go without fixing:

“Why is there someplace you and Star Swirl need to be?” Kronus asked chuckling.

Perhaps consider changing it to: 'Why, is there someplace you and Star Swirl need to be?...'

A thousands years ago, before Celestia was even born, there was a prince, a young black alicorn with fiery mane named Bearious, son of King Kronus and Queen Gaia. The prince was kind hearted and good to his people, and he was one of the most powerful warriors anyone has ever seen, and he was a great wizard too.

Run on sentence! Might sound better like: 'Thousands of years ago, before Princess Celestia was even born, there was a prince. A young black alicorn with a fiery mane, named Bearious, son of King Kronus and Queen Gaia. The prince was kind-hearted and good to his ponies. He was one of the most powerful warriors anypony had ever seen, and a great wizard as well.'

“Why should I be nervous Star swirl?” Bearious asked his friend, “I was kind of born to this…” Bearious stopped his words as he noticed a young black female pegasus walking by the two.

Why did he say 'nervous'? Star Swirl asked if he was excited.
Please don't take these the wrong way; not trying to take over your story, just trying to help. This definitely gets a thumbs up from me, and an assured reread in the near future. Nice work!