• Member Since 4th Sep, 2018
  • offline last seen Yesterday

Lord Zarcon


E

Much like several other unlucky ponies, Princess Luna bought fallout 76 in the hopes that it would be a decent game. Much to her disappointment, it was a broken unplayable mess. She must now try and get a refund, but that is not as easy as it may seam.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 12 )

I don't really feel as if I need to say so, but I will anyway: this feels like it holds basically zero MLP relevance, and reads like a regurgitated rant over the topical, circulating, well documented issues and opinions surrounding Fallout 76 and its controversy at the moment. (Which sounds incredibly obvious, I realise, but MLP relevance is required on at least a basic level for a story to be allowed on this site, which is why I point it out.)

Not a slight against you, author, but I fail to see how putting the copy in the hooves of 'Princess Luna' makes this any less of a self-insert, anti-Bethesda essay, as opposed to being a legitimate story.

That said, I won't be shocked if it gets featured.

What I might suggest, should this get taken down, is working to make this story feel less like a repost of every article and Reddit post I've seen in the last few weeks. Give it a little originality and flare, and then work to make the characters feel as if they're actually in their own world, developing their own thoughts, rather than acting as mouthpieces.

Or, y'know, put some porn in it. Works for me.

I get that you/mommy and daddy made a poor consumer decision over a game, but crying through an imaginary, pastel pony in your amateur fiction is not the way to handle it.

9334862
I actually didn't buy the game.

9334824
This honestly isn't something I wrote very seriously. I just thought it would be funny to write a fic about the issue. Plus I choose Luna because of the whole gamer Luna joke that's been around.

Puckuu #6 · 1 week ago · · 1 ·

This would've been several times funnier if Todd was actually extremely powerful and fought Luna.

9334946
lol..omg that wud have been epic
3

9334946
Wow. You're right I should've thought of that.

Nice work.

And this is related to MLP... how? Aside from the fact that Luna is the mouthpiece for this “look how topical I am” story, there really is no MLP relevance at all in here. I’ve seen people write gamer Luna stories before, and while I always thought it was a bit odd, I did feel like those stories were distinctly MLP in flavour. This one feels like yet another reddit post about Fallout 76. Luna doesn’t even feel like herself either. More like a self-insert.

From a technical standpoint, the story isn’t very good either. The grammar isn’t great. Not quite bad enough to make it unreadable, but bad enough to be noticeable. I’d suggest getting an editor in the future.

The pacing could also use some work. The story is so short that everything is told rather than shown. Instead of showing us Luna playing the game and seeing all the problems for herself, and showing us her reactions to them, we are simply told that the game is buggy and she was upset about it. Then the story proceeds to her meeting with Todd Howard at breakneck pace, and concludes at similar supersonic speeds. Nothing is given enough time to develop, which leads to the next problem.

This story is not funny. I didn’t even get a smile or a smirk out of it. It claims to be a comedy, but all it does is parrot the various news articles and reddit posts on the topic. I think the big problem here ties in with the pacing. Because so little is shown and nothing has time to develop, there’s no time for any jokes or even dry wit. Any attempts at humour in the story are similarly lacking in buildup, and thus completely fall flat.

This reads more like the outline of a story than an actual story. I’d recommend you look it over with a fine-toothed comb to pluck out those grammar errors, and try writing more about each event (this doesn’t mean filler, mind you). It’ll help with comedic timing.

When I tried to post a correction for several typos, my computer screen locked up :applecry:
Coincidence? :rainbowderp: I think not! :twilightangry2:

Todd got the Epic Victory Royale.

There are a few spelling errors here and there, but I found the overall story quite amusing! Keep on writing, my dude! :twilightsmile:

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