It started when the phone rang.
Granny Smith grunted and groaned as she slowly got up off of her chair, her joints popping and her muscles protesting the movement. She walked up to the telephone and put the headset on. It took a few tries to press the right button to answer.
"Hello? Who is this?"
"Yes hello, this is Legit Collector. I am glad that you have answered. You see, I have recently come into some money from an inheritance of five million bits lately, but I would rather avoid the inheritance tax. If you help me, I shall reward you with one million bits!"
Granny frowned and tilted her head. "Well, that does sound like a big problem there. Ah could use the bits fer sure. What is it you exactly need me to do?"
"Ah! Yes! Excellent! Thank you so much! I will be certain to reward you for your kindness. All I need from you is your bank account number and routing number, then I can process the transaction."
"Well that sounds mighty fine there, young'in. Just give me a moment." Granny Smith slowly walked up to an end table with a drawer, opened it up, and began flipping through the papers. "It'll be nice ta have some bits around fer once. Ah've been in welfare ever since mah husband passed away."
"Oh, I am sorry to hear that."
"Yes, it was quite the tragedy fer sure. He was tryin' ta get a new watering system up fer our crops, but Ah wasn't so sure that he was up for it. He was always really stubborn."
"Yes, that is too bad. Now when you find the--"
"It was a disaster from minute one, young feller. He musta hit some pipe or somethin' when he was diggin', because the next thing we know, gas is comin' outta the ground. He tried ta get it ta stop by throwin' a bunch of matches down there because he heard somethin' about fire takin' all of the oxygen out or somethin'."
"Ma'am, I am sorry to hear all of this, but I really don't--"
"'Course Ah only found out after the fact that it's an actual fire that you're supposed to blow up, not a gas leak. He had ta run his tail off to avoid gettin' blown up. The explosion just about leveled half of the orchard."
"Yes I see. I am sorry that your husband was killed in an explosion, but--"
"Oh that wasn't what done him in, young feller. He tripped on a rock a few days after that."
"What?! Then why did you tell me--"
"Oop, Ah got it! A bank statement."
"Oh good. Now I just need the account number and the routing number."
Granny Smith rattled off the numbers, then put the paper down and began walking out the door. "Hope that helps you."
"Yes it does! Now I can transfer... the money to... Wait, this account has closed!"
Granny scoffed and waved her hoof to get Applejack's attention. "Well now, that is odd, young colt. Ah should have at least ten or fifteen ducats in there."
"I... ducats haven't been legal currency in Equestria for a hundred years!"
"Oh, has it been that long?" Granny Smith tisked and shook her head. "My my how time flies. Seems like only yesterday Ah started up mah very own bank account. Put in five ducats and thirty-three cents. But of course, that could get you a lot more in those days. Not like now when--"
"Do you have a different account?! One that isn't closed?!"
"Hmm? Oh, sure, sonny. Here are the numbers."
Granny Smith put the headset next to the lawnmower. Applejack grinned and pulled the cord.
* * * *
"Legit Collector" groaned and slowly took the headset off. He took a deep breath and sat up from the floor.
"Not again," he grumbled. He pushed himself to his hooves, lit his horn, and crossed another number off of his list. "I'll get one. I just need one. Just one. He growled and slammed his hoof on the table. "Ponyville will not beat me! I'll get the money from one of these yokels if it is the last thing I do!"
He looked down the list of failed attempts and grimaced.
"It... ah... very well may be." He shook his head and put his brand new Flim and Flam Industries telephone headset on. After taking a deep breath, he looked at another number and began dialing it. Instead of the usual beeping of putting in a number, he heard nothing. Frowning, he checked under his table. The phone was still plugged in.
"What in the...?"
"Legit" typed in the whole number and waited for the sound of the ringing phone. He heard nothing.
"I..." "Legit" took the headset off and rolled his chair to another table where the box that his phone had arrived in sat. He lit his horn and grabbed the papers inside.
"Thank you for purchasing your new Flim and Flam industries telephone. It is the..." "Legit" scanned the paper, flipping through pages until he got to one about the warranty. "We have a two day warranty on our..." His eyes narrowed and he tore apart the paper. "Those bastards said thirty days!"
"Legit" rolled over to his desk and pressed the on button for his new Flim and Flam Industries computer. "I am going to give them a piece of my... my..."
The computer wouldn't turn on. "Legit" growled and grabbed the computer, tearing it off of the desk and throwing it through his recently repaired window.
"MOTHERFUCKERS!!"
And the second horseshoe drops...
scammed by the flim flam bros again! love it
9289117 Well, at least those two twits are good for something.
So his real name is steady?
9289140
Gah, sorry. That's the name of the protagonist of a new story I've been working on lately.
9289149
So you accidentally wrote steady as his name 3 times?
It's always fun when karma busts out the double-barreled shotgun.
9289151
Yep. Fixed it, though.
9289177
Oh! Ever heard about that one story with the pineapple and lemming at the bar? Yeah me neither... I love my ADHD...
Ooooh monkey barrel
9289184
Zimbabwe
Never thought I'd be clapping for Flim and Flam being conmen.
Saw "Grannie Smith." Thought, "Uh oh." Was not disappointed.
So this nut thinks that the Citizens of Ponyville are hicks? Does he know that they face off dangerous monsters weekly? Why do I now smell Jet Set and Upper Crust are somehow behind this?
Well that was "lame" Granny Smith old ladied Legit. I thought that before the lawn mower she would just reprimand him... but it turns out she just rambled in an old lady sorta way and was done with it. Gotta respect the elders see? Seems a little silly, but funny anyway cause of the joke or something.
One person this guy hasnt phoned up yet is the mad uncle in the basement, or cousin IT, or grandfather Gaylord Smoothie, wait, hold on a moment. Why would Stephen Magnet have a phone? Maybe a phone line for those lonely mares at night?
If he keeps cold-calling all of Ponyville he’s bound to run into Discord sooner or later...
9289478
Oh I HOPE that happens!!!!!! Or he gets Fluttershy and makes her cry when Discord is there!!!!
Nice to know Flim and Flam have the same devotion to quality as always.
Nice, was quite enjoyable read
Spotted a mistake.
9289709
That apple juicer machine worked flawlessly.
This guy seems to be the only phone scammer in Equestria, how the Hell does everypony on the 'characters we like' list know exactly what he is on the spot? It's getting weird.
For the record, Rarity could have easily been mistaken for a gold digger on her date with Blueblood...
9289115
Squarely on the foot
9290097
Nothing says he's the only scammer. We're just following his, erm... Escapades.
9290095
But for how long?
9290299
I believe FLim and Flam have suffered Flanderization.
9290317
Hard to say. A lot of characters from the show tend to have an archetype that they play to the hilt in the first appearance. Flim and Flam are dishonest business ponies so it’s easy to assume they will be as stereotypical in that regard as possible.
Legit, everypony in Ponyville knows that you are a scammer. They are playing with you to try and find you. They figure that if they can get you to yell in frustration loud enough, they will find where you are hiding.
Oh, and I just realized who DOES know where Legit lives: Flim & Flam. Now, if only they knew that they know the location of a wanted criminal.
9290098
What do you mean "mistaken?"
He used a HUMAN curse word!
This can only mean one thing: he's a human who's Darth Vader mask fell off when the mad gods tried to send him to Equestria, so instead of violently murdering the ponies, he can only be an annoyingly incompetent phone scammer!
I KNEW THIS WAS A DISPLACED STORY THE WHOLE TIME!! I JUST KNEW IT!!
9293055
I... what? He's been swearing like a sailor the entire story.
9293133 Yeah, but I just thought of this angle to bash Displaced fics again.
Well, at least the Flim Flam Brothers are somewhat successful at tricking or deceiving gullible ponies and getting some of their money. Poor scammer, hacked by Twilight, and now done by the Flim Flam Bros.
I'm just waiting for Legit to be eventually brought low by a trying-to-be-helpful Derpy.
Every time I read “Yes hello this is legit collector” I burst out laughing.
Please update this! Have him call Spike, Discord, Tirek/Cozy Glow, Ember and Thorax.
9295537
She’d probably get him severely injured by accident XD
9290357
Probably they wouldn’t care...
9297027
They would if there was a reward for Legit's capture.
I am so curious to find out this is, seems my earlier theory is busted, he ain't Button... so who?
Hmm...
A male unicorn who has it out for Ponyville, and views everypony there as yokels . . . Fancy Pants? Nah, Fancy Pants is generally shown as bieng a pretty genuine nice guy . . . .A male uni-
. . . . . . . . . . . . .
SVENGALLOP!
9322431
But I didn’t think Svengallup was from ponyville
9461162
Doesn't have to be from Ponyville to set up shop there. Of course, that would mean
9322431
not a unicorn