Fuckin’ Fan Mail
I snore as I nap on the couch, peacefully. I dream of being on a beach, with some nice cold soda, lounging on a beach chair under an umbrella. Nothing in sight other than sand and water. That is, until I hear some knocking on the door. I wake up with a jolt, and glare at the door. “God fuckin’- who is it!?” I yell from the couch.
“It’s Whisk!” I hear. “Anon! You have some mail!” I groan again, loudly as I get up and walk towards the door.
“Why did you go through my mail box?” I ask as I open the crappy door. My eyes widen as I see Whisk holding a lot of letters with both her wings.
“It was full and then some,” she answers. She walks in and dumps the various scrolls onto the couch. I stare in amusement at the letters. Who the fuck would write me so many letters? “... They look like fan mail,” Whisk says as she inspects one of the rolled pieces of paper. She hands it to me, and I unroll the parchment. I read silently. How many times have you been put in mortal danger by ponies? Whisk, looking over my shoulder, quirks an eyebrow. “That’s a good question...” She says. I sigh.
“... I ain’t doing this shit,” I say, tossing the scroll away. Whisk glares at me.
“Anon, these... creatures took the time to write to you. The least you can do is write some sort of response,” she nags. I roll my eyes. Suddenly, someone knocks on my door. I sigh and walk back to the door to open it. I am only slightly surprised it’s Segway.
“Why am I here?” He asks impatiently, glaring at Whisk. I quirk an eyebrow towards her.
“Because Anon needs someone to record his responses,” she says from the couch.
“Can I get a say in this?” I ask.
“No,” Whisk responds simply. I turn to her and give a small glare, but I sigh in defeat as Segway walks in.
“Welp, I got nothing better to do,” he admits as he sits on the couch too. He whips out a pen and a stack of papers.
“... Where the fuck did that shit come from?” I ask. Segway looks at me in confusion.
“... I dunno,” he admits. I stare at him for a moment before deciding to brush it off as a weird thing that just happens.
“Alright then, the first letter...” I put a hand to my chin as I think back to the past year. “ If I don’t count the Checkpoint, I’d say about fifteen times or more.” I get a different scroll, and it says, ‘Where the fuck did you get that crossbow? If you want I’ll send you a second one from my weapons locker or possibly a shotgun from Motha Russia’. It’s my turn to quirk a brow. “Dafuq? How does... never mind, pony land is too damn confusing to even ask. I actually got the crossbow from Celestia. She said it was supposed to be there to begin with, but Lucky might’ve accidentally overlooked it,” I answer aloud. Segway writes quickly. I pick up the next scroll. ‘What do you miss most about Earth?’ “Hm... the one thing I miss is the band Gorillaz, their music is so much better than this world’s,” I say. Segway huffs.
“Or maybe, you’re too much of an ass to like it,” He comments. I give him a raised eyebrow because of the sass. He stands his ground. I scoff.
“That’s probably it,” I admit. I toss the scroll aside and grabbed the next. ‘My father went out for a pack of cigarettes, and he hasn't come back in 7 years. Should I go look for him?’ I roll my eyes. “This kid needs to look in the alcohol aisle, it’s where I find my dad.” I brush off everyone’s confused and worried stares as I grab the next scroll. ‘What is the most insane day at the checkpoint you've ever experienced?(Besides being taken hostage by a foal with delusions of world domination)’. I sigh as I reminisce the day.
March 28, 20XX
I groan as I rub my face. Today just couldn’t be worse. First a Minotaur decked me again, Trixie showed up and talked, and the Minotaur king dropped by. Without a goddamn fucking passport. I take a deep breathe in, and exhale.
Suddenly, the fabric of reality rips itself open for a brown coated stallion to jump through. His mane is a darker brown. He spins to the space-time anomaly and points a familiar device at it. A sonic screwdriver. My jaw drops. There is no fucking way Doctor Who is in my office. He looks at me and beams.
“Oh good! An annoying bugger!” He exclaims. I go back to my sour mood almost instantly.
“Oh great, a living knock knock joke,” I respond.
“Excellent! I need your sass!” He replies, never looking away from the tear in reality. I quirk a brow.
“Dafuq? Why would you-“ Suddenly, a marshmallowy creature, the size of a pony, and has arms and legs, steps through.
“The time is neigh Doctor!” It yells. The Doctor looks like he’s trying not to say ‘aw’.
“That is the freakiest fucking thing I have ever seen,” I comment. The creature gasps, and starts screaming in pain before melting into a puddle. I look at the puddle in a somewhat-surprised state. I mean, this is Doctor Who’s little adventure, who knows what the fuck he’s fighting? The doctor takes out a tape recorder, and points it to me.
“Say the worst phrase you can muster,” he demands.
“Alright. You can’t save a single partner to save your life, both literally and metaphorically,” I reply.
“No, not to me, to a race of cuteness,” he explains, looking annoyed.
“Alright, you’re all stupid little shits, so shut the fuck up you bastards,” I say. Doctor Who smiles and leaps into the tear of reality. Just like that, the tear disappears, and the day goes back to normal. “... Yeah, I don’t think I’ll talk about this, ever,” I say to myself. I lean towards the mic, “Next!”
Present
“Well, doctor Who showed up, told me I was an ass, made me be me, and left,” I answer. I grab the next scroll. ‘So, out of curiosity, did Twilight ever cast a weird spell on you?’ “... Must be someone I know. Yeah, Twilight did some weird shit. She changed my gender, turned me into a horse, and sent me to Tartarus. Thankfully, all of them were reversed one way or another.” Whisk and Segway cringe at my mention of pony hell prison. I pick up the next scroll. ‘Are you going to kiss the bartender bird lady?! and how does one kiss bird people?’
“Stalker alert,” I mutter. I look at Segway. “Hey, I’m probably gonna need some guards to look for a stalker today, that good with you?” Segway looks up at me with an unamused expression.
“Anon, I’m a guard. Why don’t you ask me to look around for you?” He asks.
“Because you’d might offer yourself as sacrifice in return for the stalker to stop stalking me,” I answer. Segway groans.
“Look, that was one time,” he says as Whisk laughs. I pull up another scroll. ‘Who's the biggest idiot you've ever met?’
“Twilight.” With that, I toss the scroll aside. I pull another scroll up. ‘Is Anon the legal name on your birth certificate?’ “Heh, funny thing about my name, it’s actually a word that means ‘unknown entity or person’. I hated that name when I was growing up. Caused a lot of problems for my teachers and friends, not to mention myself,” I say. Both creatures look at each other with concern before Segway goes back to writing. I pull up another scroll. ‘So... You want to go get a drink? Or some food?’ I look at the address it was sent from, and grabbed a pen from my pocket to write it down. “Hello new best friend,” I mutter. I see Whisk roll her eyes. I pick up another scroll. ‘Will you be getting a better crossbow or another weapon, or at least some new bolts for the crossbow?’ I squint my eyes at the letter. “Someone sure wants to know the sole defense of the Checkpoint,” I say sarcastically.
“Hey, what do you mean ‘sole defense!?’ The Royal Guards are there too!” Segway points out. I just slowly look at him. I crack a smile and try my best not to laugh. I failed. I burst into laughter, and suddenly stop to give him a glare.
“Hey, remember who offered to be a-“
“IT WAS ONE MISTAKE!!!” Segway yells, furiously writing down the responses. I grab the next scroll. ‘Hey Anon, what is the strangest thing that someone has ever tried to get over the border?’
“A rubber duck,” I say. “... AndIletthemthroughbecauseofit- NEXT!” I quickly say before grabbing the next scroll. ‘I'll probably get smacked and grilled by you but... What's your parents name an do they go by a similar name to yours?’ “Dad’s name was Mike. Mom’s name was Cheryl. They were crap.” I toss the scroll aside and grabbed the next one. ‘Da, Soviets want to know, WHERE ARE SOVIETS IN EQUESTRIA?!!!’ I stare at the note for a small bit. My hands start trembling as I remember the Russian Anthem. I wipe a tear from my eye as Whisk has the most confused face ever. “Glory to you my fellow brethren,” I say in a Russian accent. Segway and Whisk deadpan at me before rolling their eyes. ‘Have there been any "propositions" (if you catch my drift) in order to persuade you to let them cross the border?’ I scoff. “So many strip clubs, too many fucks not given,” I say as I toss it aside. “It happens everyday.”
‘Yo, Anon. Have you ever shown Rarity THE DRESS? You know the one. It's black and blue but people who can't see well (in dim light) insist it's white and gold. She's got an eye for color so I bet she'll flip her lid if she hears any arguments about it. Hehehe.’ I take a deep breath in, and a deep breath out. “It’s black and fucking blue. Thanks for the idea though,” I say as I toss it aside. Segway doesn’t even react to my comments anymore as he scribbles down my response. Whisk, on the other hand, is confused. I grab the next scroll. ‘Sometimes we don't need a shoulder to lean on. We need an asshole.’ I nod and smile. “Ey, this guy gets it,” I say, grabbing the next scroll. ‘EH BOSS CAN I HAS PUSSY PLZ?’ I freeze and stare at it with wide eyes.
“... Fucking hell no,” I say as I pull out a light from my pants. I flick it to bring a fire to life and start burning the scroll. Both of my companions in the room look at me with confusion. I throw the letter down and stomp on it to crush it as well as the fire. I grab the next letter. Last one.
‘So Anon, since you don't seem to like your new boss, would you take a trip to Canterlot to visit your old boss Lucky and invite her to a night of drinking along with your guard pals Segway Sergui and Spearhead?’
“Heheh, you obviously confused me for someone else. Yeah, I miss Lucky, but there is no way in HELL I’ll go drinking with her. Besides, if she wants my company, she’ll come to me,” I say. Segway writes down my response and looks up with confusion yet again.
“But, what about the invitation she sent us the other day?” He asks. I quirk an eyebrow at him.
“What invitation?” I ask. He rolls his eyes and pulls a letter from out of fuckin’ nowhere. Damn pony magic. I take the note and read it.
Dear Segway,
Get your asses over here. I need some familiar faces to get drunk with.
Lucky.
“... Welp, I have a bar to go to that’s crappy,” I say. Whisk squints her eyes at me.
“How do you know it’s a crappy bar?” She asks.
“Because it’s not your bar,” I say casually, getting up. As she stares at where I was with wide eyes, I leave the room to go to bed. I’m fuckin’ tired. Segway only snickers at Whisk as she stares off into space. He gets all the notes he scribbled down and leaves.
“I need to make new friends,” he mutters.
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One of the best Q&A ever !
PLZ BOSS I HAVE EH CANCER!!!!!!!
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You had your spotlight! Back down into the cave!
I fucking love this fic
Anon, I must know Left or Right?
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Up
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*Looks at the demonic circle*
YOU FOOL! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!
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Made a deal with The Devil. How else do you think this story got popular? Original jokes?
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derpicdn.net/img/view/2018/11/14/1882140__artist+needed_safe_artist-colon-anonymous_oc_oc-colon-filly+anon_oc+only_angry_drawthread_female_filly_open+mouth_reaction+image_solo_table+fl.jpeg
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Down
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Start
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First question was mine. I am inordinately happy about that.
Uh, I'm intrigued, is this Q&A gonna become a regular thing?
Cool a qna if this does make it into a chapter anon do you know de wey
I do not regret that
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INFINITE CITATIONS
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Easly amused readers a snarky protagonist and a number of story idiots the laugh at
Well, clearly we'll be seeing Lucky in a future chapter.
I found mine🤣🤣🤣
Solid gold.
Hah! Smooooooooooooooooooth.
9327932
pray tell what is a number of story idiots. i am curious.
9332650
Sometimes, humanity only thinks about what they could do.
When the reality is, we don’t need to be asking could we, we need to be asking should we.
Awww you scathing ass! Honestly though I thought the same hahahha
Ah this glorlous bastard I do so love him.
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I dare to one up you
┻━┻ ︵ヽ(`Д´)ﾉ︵ ┻━┻
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One up again for a prize!
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What? No. I wasn’t portraying you at all. Buuuuuut since you just volunteered
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You're terrible, but funny.
This Fic is so brilliant, I can't handle the sass
But like not too long ago he was wondering what it'd be like to be a girl... then again he was drunk.
love the pink guy reference
It's 'Ey b0ss, can I habe de pussi plz!?'
Okay, very creepy. My dad's parent's names are both Mike and Cheryl, and they are actual shit... What the hell man.
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lol my friend's parents too.
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the world works in mysterious ways. Who knows, you might end up as Anon. Just keep anti-magic wards in your pockets at all times.
NO YOU MUST SAVE THE OMNIVERSE!
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Screw that, I wanna get teleported to horselandia
Автор ОПРЕДЕЛЕННО Русский
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I wish.
I'm mad. The shotgun would have been a good addition. As long as it isn't the TOZ.