Chapter 13: Fuck Nuggets
It’s November twenty third, a Monday. One entire year since I started working here. I look at the office I still work in, and smile softly at how nostalgic I feel. I’ve had more life experiences here than anywhere else. I met royalty, slapped royalty, slapped other people, and pissed off a lot of people. I’ve also made many friends and connections. I shake my head, chuckling. I’m so glad I got this job. Before I could sit down, I hear a knock on the door. I quirk an eyebrow and open it to see Spearhead and Segway, but Spearhead is holding out a small cake.
“Hi Anon!” Spearhead says, lifting the cake towards me. I take it, letting it sit on my hands. Both guards smirk at the reaction I have.
“Wh-what?”
“You’ve been here for a year! You deserve a reward,” Spearhead says. I genuinely smile at the cake and walk to my desk. Thank God it’s clean. I set it down, planning to eat it throughout the day. I walk back to the guards, and nod in gratitude.
“Thanks guys, I think I needed this,” I say. Spearhead chuckles.
“You know, when I first saw you, I didn’t think you would make it here,” Spearhead admits, chuckling. I roll my eyes, but I smile.
“Yeah yeah,” I say, laughing.
We talk for a little bit, until it was time for the day to start. They say their farewells, and walk off to their posts. I sit down, and call the first entrant. “Next!”
The first entrant is a robot. Like, no shit, it’s a mother fucking robot. It’s white with blue, glowing eyes. It’s obvious it’s a robot because of the gears and machinery making up the body. It walks up to me, looking at me curiously. As if I’m the weird one here.
“Greetings creature, have you wandered too far from your natural habitat?” It asks robotically. I scoff.
“Bitch please,” I retort. It reels back in shock, its eyes glowing brighter. “If you make an animal joke like that again, I’ll be sweeping up your robo-bits like paper clips when I’m done,” I say. The robot tilts its head.
“But, I cannot be recycled into paper clips,” he reasons. Oh. It’s one of those types of ponies- er, robots. See, there are some people who follow logic, and only logic. They seem sociopathic, but all you need to do is just understand them a little better. Thank God I can.
“It’s a metaphor,” I quickly explain. The robot’s eye-lights blinks.
“Oh. I apologize-“
“No no, I should apologize for my normally rude comment,” I say. The robo-pony mechanically laughs.
“It is fine, I’m trying to learn pony customs as my creator has instructed. What are you?” It suddenly asks. I brush off the spontaneity of the question, and just answer it.
“I am a human,” I answer simply. The thing about logical people, is that you cannot make them see what you see, or say what you say. They only work on practicality, and efficiency. Whatever short cut is there, they will take it if it does not cost anything.
“Ah. Are you one Anonymous?” It asks. I nod. I’ve had people like this, where they want to ask questions a lot more. It’s best to just answer them. It’s not like I’m getting a huge cut from my pay. “Splendid! I wanted to ask you something important!” It says. I quirk an eyebrow. “Is it truly possible for me to learn emotions?” It asks. I sigh.
“Why’re you asking me?” The last thing I want to do is start a technological uprising in an era without said technology to fight back.
“My creator has noted how you have solved more diplomatic problems than the diplomats themselves, and I have calculated that if you solved important and highly classified problems by giving your own view, then I should be able to achieve some way of knowing how to achieve emotions!” It responds. I inwardly sigh.
“Well, it depends on whether or not you want to try,” I say. The robot mechanically beeps excitedly.
“Yes! I would like to try to accomplish this task!” It responds.
“Alright. The first thing you should realize, is that you’re going to experience negative things.” The robot stops and looks at me with a look that I assume is confusion.
“Negatives? But, emotions are positives,” it says. I smirk.
“No. Emotions are things that have no strict rules or boundaries. Same as morals. There is nothing in the universe that is set in stone. Anything can change,” I wisely say. Welp, I’m already tired of this shit.
“... I still do not-“
“If you cannot accept this, you’ll never know what emotions are,” I sternly say.
“...” The robot looks down, as if in a process of some sort.
“... In any case, I hope that helps you out,” I suddenly say. The robot looks up.
“What?”
“I cannot help you too much.” Bullshit, I just don’t want to deal with this.
“... Okay. I shall try to accept this knowledge you have given me,” it says, turning around and leaving. I sigh in relief. No uprisings today. Though, I think I should have told him to go to the ponies for emotional shit. In any case, I turn to the mic.
“Next!”
The next creature to come in, is none other than Princess of Fuck- I mean, Love. Cadence. Her eyes shrink as they see me. This is gonna be interesting. She walks up to me, obviously nervous.
“H-hello Anon,” she says. I give a half-assed wave. “... I would like to apologize for the past year-“
“It’s fine,” I cut in. Cadence blinks in surprise.
“What?”
“I said it’s fine. Because of your tantrum, I reunited a family,” I explain.
“B-but what about money?”
“Cadence, I’m overpaid here,” I deadpan.
“Anon, this job shouldn’t be overpaying you. Inspectors are paid by how many entrants were correctly processed. Most ponies are barely able to afford things,” Cadence says with a curious look. I roll my eyes.
“Bull, I’m easily able to afford a penthouse,” I argue. Cadence’s eyes go wide.
“W-what?!” She exclaims. “Impossible! You’d have to barely make any mistakes! H-how did-“
“Unlike what most creatures might say, I’m not an idiot, I’m able to do my job. What the other passport inspectors need to do, is man the fuck up, and deny people. I met the inspector at Canterlot, and he’s a shitty Inspector because he can’t say no,” I rant. Cadence looks at me with surprise before sighing.
“I guess you’re right,” she says defeatedly. I shrug.
“You don’t have to take my word, you can go to the checkpoints if you want,” I say. Cadence nods as I hand her green-stamped passport. “In any case, tell Sunbutt I said hi.” As Cadence leaves, I lean towards the mic. “Next!”
The next entrant is... Shining Armor and his kid, Flurry Heart. I’ve never met Flurry Heart, but Applejack told me about her. Shining huffs as he sees me. He walks up silently, with Flurry Heart in tow. The little filly keeps looking around in wonder. I smirk as she looks at me. Her eyes go wide.
“Papers please,” I say professionally. Shining quirks an eyebrow.
“What? No smart comments?” He asks. I deadpan at him.
“Dude, your daughter’s here. Show some professionalism,” I chastise. Flurry giggles while Shining’s eye twitches. He silently hands me his passport and I look over it. As I’m looking, I notice my rulebook pop out of existence. I look over and hear a pop. I look back at Flurry Heart to see she has the huge book in front of her, open.
“Ooh!” She says excitedly, looking at the map of the world. Shining looks over with wide eyes, but I just smirk.
“Yo dude, you should tell her what kind of countries that are out there in the world,” I comment, going back to his papers. Stupid diplomats, having a shit ton more paperwork to look through. Shining looks back at me, before realization hit. He smiles and nods. I just gave him a good five minutes of father-daughter time. Granted, it’s not much, but I doubt he gets to spend that much time to begin with.
Finally, after double checking everything, I stamp the papers green, and look up to see Shining sitting on the floor with Flurry, with the rulebook still open on the map. “Now, this country is home of the dragons, who are finally being truly united under Princess Ember’s rule,” Shining says. I smile at the scene and sigh.
“Alright buddy, your passport’s good,” I say. Shining snaps out of ‘father mode’ and looks at me.
“Oh, thank you,” he genuinely says. He gets up to take the papers, with an excited Flurry Heart.
“Daddy!” Flurry says. Shining smiles and looks at his daughter.
“Don’t worry, we’ll look at another map when we get to our rooms,” he reassures. Flurry smiles with a newfound excitement. I give Shining his papers, and they leave. I smile for a little bit longer as I look back at the display. I wonder what having a kid is like? I think about it and scoff. I bet it’s a huge hassle, but worth it in the end. My smile lessens a little. I’ll never know though, will I?... Oh well. I shrug and lean towards the mic.
“Next!”
The next entrant to come in is a navy-color griffon. “Celestia dammit, this whole shit show has taken too damn long,” he curses. I smirk. I think I like this guy.
“I know right? A shit ton of money for a shit ton of paperwork, all for what can be practically be called a doorway,” I reply. The griffon laughs as he walks up.
“I heard about you, word going around in Griffonstone says you’re an unorthodox kind of creature,” He comments. I shrug.
“Yeah, that’s about right,” I say. He hands me his passport. I take it and open it to immediately find it expired. “... So, did you forget to renew the passport or...?”
“Wait, renew?” The griffon asks.
“Yeah, it’s expired,” I say, losing my smile.
“Let me see,” he says, leaning in. It is now, that I notice how badly he smells. I shit you not, it’s like he’s a corpse. I took a slight sniff and go into a coughing fit. “Oops, you okay there?” He asks.
“What the fuck- did you kill something?!” I ask, coughing a little more while trying not to puke.
“Oh right, pig guts,” the griffon mutters.
“Pig gut- are you a butcher?” I ask. He sighs.
“Let me guess, vegan?” He asks.
“What? Hell no. I like eating meat,” I retort.
“Then, what’s wrong with the smell of pig? It makes me salivate,” he responds.
“It’s the smell of a corpse,” I deadpan. He rolls his eyes.
“Whatever,” he says. I sigh and point at the date.
“In any case, your passport’s expired, so I’ll have to-“
“Wait, what if I had a bit of... persuasion?” He asks. I raise an eyebrow.
“Do you see my face?” I ask. He looks at me in confusion.
“Well, Yes?”
“Tell me, do I look like I give a fuck?” I ask, reaching for the red stamp. The griffon sighs.
“Look, I’m tired. I spent the past five days on train, and when I finally got here, I just want to pass,” he starts.
“I don’t see the part where I give a shit,” I reply, raising the red stamp over the passport.
“I just wanted to see my daughter,” he finally says. I stop, and look at him. He’s looking at the floor, shaking a little. “I just wanted to see how she is, I haven’t been able to talk to her for years, and I finally got my debts paid after years of labor...” He looks up and gives me a glare. “Can you give a damn about that?” He asks, about to tear up. I look at the griffon’s eyes, and see desperation under the facade of anger. I smile, and set aside the stamp.
“Yes I can,” I say, grabbing the green stamp. I stamp the passport and hand it to him. He looks at me in surprise, as if he genuinely didn’t expect me to let him pass. I give him the passport, and he quickly grabs it. He opens it to look at the stamp. He starts wavering, but keeps standing.
“Thank you,” He quietly sobs. I shrug.
“Now, get outta here you old coot,” I say jokingly. He nods, and quickly leaves to see his daughter. Hope that guy has a good life. I lean towards the mic.
“Next!”
The next entrant is a red griffon. She walks up quietly, eyeing the place. “... Excuse me, did you see my husband?” She asks. I quirk an eyebrow.
“Yeah, why?” I ask.
“Well, after all the debts he’s had, I was kind of expecting the ponies to have something against him too,” she comments. I scoff.
“Eh, he told me about that. He’s good,” I say. She smiles softly.
“Good, he’s been waiting for long enough,” she replies, handing me her papers. I check her papers, stamp them green, and let her pass.
It’s almost noon, and I’m snacking on a PB and J. My cake was finished off a lot earlier. It’s been an okay day so far. I just called in the next entrant. The door opens, and Queen Chrysalis walks in casually. She sees me and slightly smiles as she walks up. I raise a hand. “Yo, Burnt Swiss, wassup?” I greet. She frowns.
“Really, human? Burnt Swiss?” She asks. I shrug, and take a bite of the sandwich. She rolls her eyes and hands me her passport. I take it and check on them. “I honestly didn’t expect what all has happened so far,” she says, reminiscing. “The past year has been exciting, for sure. I was caught at the Everfree, but ponies being ponies, I was given a slap on the hoof and told to ‘try doing something with your life’.” I absentmindedly nod, still looking at the passport. “So, I tried making a casino,” she says. I stop and look at her. She snickers. “The look on your face is amusing. I didn’t open a casino.” I go back to the passport. “... I actually opened up a theme park.” I slowly look at her. “... No seriously, I did,” she insists. I just shake my head and return to what I’m doing as I finish off my sandwich. “It was rough, but I managed to make such a wonderful profit! And don’t get me started on all the food,” Chrysalis continues.
“Legally, I assume,” I comment. She rolls her eyes.
“Of course, with the princesses watching me like a hawk, I wouldn’t be able to use my usual schemes,” she grumbles. I shrug.
“Better than nothing,” I reply. I give her passport a green stamp. Today’s already a long day.
Many hours later, I hear the six o’clock bell ring, and sigh. Finally, I can go home. Maybe even suggest cuddling with Whisk. “Mr Anon,” I hear. I groan and turn to see Smooth Course, looking pissed.
“Yeah bossdude?”
“Do not call me that. I just read reports that said you had an uncouth, and unprofessional behavior!” He yells.
“Says the screaming pony,” I comment. He sighs and tosses an envelope onto my desk. I take it and peer inside. I take out the letter, and silently read.
Dear Anon,
I sincerely apologize for this course of action, but as stated in Article 9, Section 21, you are hereby required to take-
“ANOTHER ANGER MANAGEMENT COURSE!?!?” I practically shriek. I remember the last time I was in that course. It was demeaning, and they treated me like I was five. If I ever go back to that shithole, I might as well gouge my eyes out and rip off my fucking ears. Smooth Course shakes his head.
“I’m sorry, but you leave me no choice, I already sent a letter to the Course administrators, and they shall-“
“Excuse me?” I hear a familiar voice call out. Smooth turns to see Derpy. “I have a letter to a Mr Smooth Course,” she clarifies, handing out the letter with a smile. Smooth nods and grabs it carefully. He pulls out the letter, and reads aloud.
“Dear Mr Course, we have already seen this individual, and we request that you never mention him- what is this!?” He yells.
“The reason I’m not going to anger management?” I guess. Smooth Course groans and tears up the paper.
“Alright then, I shall just do it my way,” he mutters. He turns to me with a stern look. “Since you refuse to listen to me, I am docking your pay.”
“... Alright,” I say.
“By fifty five bits.”
“Cool.”
“For this week.”
“Fine.”
“... This is the part where you beg to be forgiven.”
“No, this is the part where you realize I don’t give a shit.”
“... Right... We’ll see,” Smooth says with a cocky attitude. “We’ll see how confident you are without food for two weeks,” he says. I shrug as he leaves and gather up my stuff. Time to go, I got shit to do.
I come up to my house, and notice the black cat’s back. I sigh and walk over. “Get lost,” I say, before turning to go inside. Once I open the door, however, I feel something jet past my leg.
Shit.
Now, the cat’s on my couch, right in the middle, licking its paw to groom itself. Little shit. “Uh, get out,” I say. The cat stops and looks at me. It keeps this stare for a whole minute before going back to licking. Again, he’s a little shit. I promptly grab the cat, and hold it up. Its only response is a purr. I narrow my eyes and look outside through a window. It is a little snowy... No, what am I doing? I shake my head to focus, and walk over to the door. I open it, just in time to find Whisk about to knock on the door. She smiles.
“Hi Anon! I was just-“ she freezes when she spots the still purring cat in my arms. She squeals, and fucking yanks the cat out of my grasp and hugs it. “Oh my gosh! You got a kitty!” She exclaims, hugging it. It, of course, just continues to purr softly. Whisk turns to me with wide, sparkling eyes of joy.
“It’s not my cat,” I deadpan. Whisk looks at the cat, then slowly looks back at me with wide, watery eyes. Shit.
“Hey Anon-“
“No.” Whisk sighs, still hugging the cat.
“But you haven’t-“
“I don’t care. It’s not my responsibility to take care of this cat,” I state. Whisk sighs, but suddenly regains her excitement.
“Can I have the kitty?” She asks. I shrug.
“I don’t care if you want the cat, take it,” I say. Whisk smiles, but suddenly frowns.
“Oh wait, I can’t take a cat into my apartment.”
“Oh well.” Silence follows. Whisk slowly, nervously smiles.
“Hey Anon,” she starts. No. “Can you...” Hell no. “Take care of the kitty for me?” She asks politely. Fffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuu-
I face palm, and slowly look at Whisk. Well, the cat is pretty docile for a furball, and Whisk seems to like it... I sigh deeply. “Fine,” I answer. Whisk yippee’s and hugs me, with the still purring cat in between us.
“You won’t regret it!” She says. I look at the cat in between us, who looks like he’s about to sleep. Lucky bastard. Suddenly, Whisk’s eyes shoot open, and she lets go of me. As well as the cat. The cat lands on all four paws as Whisk speaks. “Oh crap! I forgot about something!” She almost yells, jetting out the door. I stand here, next to the cat, being confused.
“... Dafuq?” I ask aloud. The cat meows, drawing my attention to it. It’s on its back, stretching out. “Not even five minutes in my house, and you’re chill as fuck?” I ask. It responds with a meow as it rolls over. “You’re so lucky Whisk likes you,” I comment.
It’s been an hour, and I’m starting to worry about Whisk. The walk to her apartment is about half an hour at least. I’m sitting on the couch, scritching the cat’s ears as he simply lays on my lap. This is the most chill cat I have ever seen. Anyway, I keep glancing at the clock to check the time, anxiously waiting for Whisk. If she doesn’t get here in another hour, I’m searching. Thankfully, the moment I think of that, I hear a knock on the door,
“Hey Anon! I uh, kinda got a surprise...” I hear Whisk’s voice say. I quirk an eyebrow and pick up... the cat to get up. I should name this cat soon. I set it on the left side of the couch and walk up to the door. I open it, only to freeze at the sight.
“Holy shit,” I comment. Right fucking there, beside Whisk, is that blue pig-smelling geezer from this morning! He’s surprised as well.
“Holy shit,” he comments in unison.
“Dad! What did I say about swearing!” Whisk chastises.
“Wait, Dad?” I ask. Whisk looks at me with a hint of nervousness.
“I had no idea he was-“
“It’s that asshole from the border!” Whisk’s dad says. Whisk looks at him with confusion.
“Wait, what?”
“That’s the guy that let me through the border,” he explains. I’m still fucking confused. This guy is Whisk’s dad? Whisk looks at me in shock.
“Why didn’t you tell me my dad was here?!” She asks.
“... I might have forgotten to check his name,” I admit. Whisk sputters as the guy laughs.
“Now I know what you mean when you said he’s ‘special’,” he says. He narrows his eyes a little. “You’re right about his attitude though, it’s shitty.” I finally blink out of confusion as I realize something.
“Hold on, where’s your-“
“Finally!” Another voice yells from above. We all look up to see the red griffon I saw from the Checkpoint, flying towards us. There she is. She lands in front of Whisk. Whisk gasps. The griffon dusts off her feathers. “I swear, you’d think that finding a purple and blue griffon wouldn’t be hard-“ She is interrupted by the sudden attack called a hug from Whisk.
“Mom! You’re here too!” She squeals. Adorable. I look at the navy griffon, who apparently stuck his claw out to me in a gesture similar to a handshake.
“My name is Pork Chop,” he says. I nod and shake his claw. His grip tightens. I give him an unamused look.
“Name’s Anon,” I say. Pork squints his eyes.
“What are your intentions with my daughter?” He asks. I see Whisk’s eyes pop out. She quickly glares at him. Before she could say anything, I answer.
“A nice and happy relationship that can last her lifetime,” I answer. Whisk and her mother smiles, but Pork keeps his suspicious glare. I then, coyly smile. “But, I should let you know, she calls me daddy too now.” I regret absa-fuckin’-lutely nothing! Whisk is blushing, angry, and pissed at the same time. I didn’t even know it was possible to be pissed and angry at the same time. Whisk’s mom bursts into laughter as Pork stares at me, the sound of a broken computer playing in my head. Whisk rushes up to me and bops my forehead.
“Don’t say that crap!” She practically yells, blushing furiously. Pork just keeps staring off into space, processing the bullshit I just said. His wife steps up while Whisk is trying to fix him.
“My name’s Rough Fire, nice to meet you Mr Anon,” she says politely. I nod.
“Nice to meet you too,” I reply politely. She smirks at her broken husband.
“You know, he said the same thing to my father,” she reminisces. I smirk.
“And how did that go?” I ask. Before she could answer, Pork looks up to finally speak.
“Anon, I have to say, you’re not what I expected. You’re crass, unprofessional, and you’re a complete shit head,” he says. Whisk pales a little. “... I like your style,” he says with a smirk. “It reminds me of me!” He proclaims loudly. I look at his wife in utter confusion. “And any buck-nugget that’s like me is okay in my book!” He proudly yells. I am so fucking confused, and so is Whisk. She looks at me as if I’m supposed to know what this bullshit means.
“Wait, So-“
“Bitch, take the compliment. See you at the Hearthswarming party,” he says before preparing to fly. Rough Fire bursts into laughter at our reactions and prepares to fly. “But if you swear in front of her again, I’ll ring your bucking neck.” With that, he flaps into the air to go God-knows-where. He looks back as his wife catches up. “Oh, and bring some beer!” He turns back and flies off with his laughing wife. I just stare off with confusion as Whisk just looks tired.
“... I am so sorry,” she apologizes. I pat her back.
“Nothing to be sorry for, I love your parents,” I genuinely say. She smiles and looks up at me.
“Really?”
“Yep. Mine would have made a big deal out of the fact that you’re a bartender,” I encourage. I lean down and kiss the tip of her beak. I stand back up and head in to my house. “Now, come on, I hear a movie calling our names.”
“Wait!” Whisk yells. I look over at her, quirking an eyebrow. “... Is it a cheesy one?”
“Yep. Chock full of cheddar,” I reply, continuing my way. Whisk giggles and follows me in.
A week has passed, and I figured out the name of this planet. Earth. I’m so pissed at myself. Oh, but more importantly, I finally figured out when the Hearthswarming party is! It’s December first. Today. I’m slightly ticked off. They decided to spring it on me as a ‘haha, he’s the new guy’ kind of joke, but they should’ve realized that I can’t just up and leave my post whenever I want. Sure, there’s always a sub at the ready, but I could face being laid off as a result if I do this too many times in the span of a month. Whisk and I are walking to the park the party is being held. Whisk keeps looking at me with a worried look.
“... Are you okay?” She asks. I absentmindedly nod. “... I’m sorry, I honestly thought the party would be on a Sunday,” she says.
“Whisk, it’s not your fault, and I’m not mad,” I say like a liar. She sighs, looking a little mopey.
“I know it’s not my fault, but I feel like-“ I stop Whisk.
“Look at me,” I gently say. She does so. “Nothing’s wrong. You’re fine.” Whisk smiles softly as I rub her head. “Now, let’s go.” Whisk nods, and we continue.
We arrive at the park, where various griffons are mingling and laughing together. From young to old, there are many griffons that are playing or just chatting. I smile. It’s nice. Whisk sees my smile and smiles as well. We walk to the nearest group of griffons, which just so happens to have Bacon and Snowy in the mix.
“... And he said, ‘That’s not a bowl, it’s a skull!’” Snowy finishes, laughing with a couple other griffons. The rest of the circle, including Bacon, cringe. Finally, the group notices Whisk and I. “Whiskey! Anon! Welcome to the Bacon/Featherward/Dinger family Hearthswarming party!” She announces. Bacon beams at us, but the other griffons look at me skeptically.
“... That’s the human?”
“Why would Whiskey like him?”
“He looks a little... meaty.” As the quieted conversations continue, I feel myself losing my humor very quickly.
“Uncle!” I hear. I look over just in time to be attacked by a vicious monster called Maple. His primary attacks include tackle hug, charm, and syrup. You might think I’m joking, but when he gets a bottle of Bacon’s syrup, shit gets real. Anyway, I now lay on the ground while the pink fluff ball is hugging me.
“Hiya kiddo,” I greet lazily. He breaks his hug and looks back at a group of little griffons.
“I told you he’s real!” He says happily, with his tail wagging. He’s lucky I’m not immune to kids.
“Eugh, he’s weird!” One of them says. Maple puffs his cheeks, still standing on my chest.
“Whatever, I bet you don’t get awesome egg and cheese sandwiches like his!” He counters. Oh yeah, I kinda started whipping up those sandwiches for him whenever he visits. It’s nice to hear someone think my cooking’s any good. Though, if we’re talking about real skill, I’d point to Whisk. Anyway, the kids all rush up to me while the adult griffons are either looking amused or laughing. Great start to an introduction, I suppose.
It’s been a couple of hours, and the sun is at the highest point in the sky. All the griffons are munching on various snacks they brought. I forgot to get beer. Whisk also forgot. We would look like assholes if we left to go buy food, as Whisk says, so we’ll have to manage. We walk around and talk to various griffons as they eat, bringing up pleasant conversations. I am genuinely surprised that very few of them are assholes. So far, many of these griffons don’t live in Griffonstone, they actually live here in Equestria. Also, many of them work factory jobs, like repairing machinery, technological maintenance, managing resources, etc. Many of the griffons are actually okay with me, surprisingly. If anything, they took a jab at Whisk for having ‘exotic tastes’. I couldn’t help but laugh every time they say something like that. I never thought I’d be exotic.
So, as I’m chatting to a member of this flock of griffons, with Whisk beside me, I suddenly get a letter appearing in front of me. I take the letter and look at it.
‘Dear Anon,
We require a chat with you today, we shall send you an update about such a matter around the afternoon.
Princess Celestia ’
Shit. It’s never a good thing if the princesses don’t tell me what’s wrong. Mostly because it’s a stupid version of the pronoun game, where the upcoming threat is vague as fuck. Whisk sees my face and takes the letter from my hand. She quickly reads it and looks at me with concern.
“Do you know what it’s about?” She asks. I shake my head.
“No, but I don’t think I’ll like it-“ I suddenly get blinded with a flash of light. When the light clears, I am in front of Sunbutt and Moonbutt, while the royal shit faces were sitting on their thrones. I’m in the fucking throne room. “Oh God fuckin’ dammit,” I say out loud.
“We decided it was to be now,” Luna brilliantly says.
“Oh really? I thought you might’ve scheduled it for Dick Appreciation Day,” I sarcastically say. Celestia sighs.
“Anon, we apologize for our suddenness, but Luna insisted we talk about this now,” she says. I groan, rubbing my face.
“Talk about what? What could be so important-“
“We’re putting thou in therapy.” I freeze. I look up at the blunt speaker, Luna. I have no idea what expression I have on my face, but it makes Celestia flinch and lean back slightly.
“... Therapy?” I ask. Luna nods.
“It hath been more and more apparent that thou art in need of-“
“Therapy?” I ask again, interrupting her. She nods. I take a deep breath in. A deep breath out. Time seems to slow down as I think. Alright, I am beyond pissed, but that’s not going to help me win this argument. I want to prove that I do not need it, or at least keep it to a minimum. If I throw a tantrum, I’ll only prove them right. I just need to lawyer this shit up, but I’ll probably use ‘alien’ as an excuse. It’s not a total lie, I mean, ponies usually have a more innocent, or rather, a simpler mindset. Weighing my options, I could go philosophical up on this bitch and pass it off as ‘it’s an alien thi-‘
“Is thou seriously going to passeth this off as an alien thing!?” Luna asks loudly. I look at her in surprise, having my thought process broken.
“Dafu- How did you-“
“We are a walker of the Dreamworld Anon, when thou go into deep thought, it is like a daydream,” Luna clarifies, while apparently surprising Celestia. Actually, Celestia kinda looks worried.
“Wait, does that mean you can see my thoughts too?!” Celestia asks. Everyone slowly looks at the nervous diarch.
“... Celly, I hath never thought about that,” Luna says with concern. Celestia coughs into her hoof, and shakes her head.
“Never mind that, Anon! You are in need of-“
“Hell no I’m not,” I reply casually. Nice, way to seem calm asshole.
“Anon, you are not the most complicated being as you think you are. I know this, and so does Luna,” she continues.
“Look, your therapists wouldn’t understand the complexities of human psychology,” I say. “I’ve been to your anger management courses, and they would have just pissed off humans with how demeaning they actually were. Seriously, why the fuck would I need help with getting to fucking bed!?” I complain loudly. I stop myself and take a breath in and out. Okay, yeah, I’m a little more easy to agitate recently, but I doubt I actually need therapy.
“Anon, Luna was in need of therapy a while back,” Celestia says. Luna sighs, but nods.
“Verily, we were in needeth of help. We almost let a nightmare destroy the waking world,” she confirms.
“Okay, but what does that have to do with me?” I ask. Celestia smiles.
“I found that there is one mare who could help her. As naive as she was, she makes an excellent therapist,” she says. I quirk an eyebrow.
“And who the fuck is this chick?” I ask. Suddenly, Luna and Celestia frown with worry.
“Anon, I must ask this one thing from you though,” Celestia warns. “Please, fully cooperate with her. She’ll only be trying to-“ A pop cuts her off, and I shield my eyes from a flashing light.
“Princess Celestia! I came as quickly as I could!” I hear a familiar voice. No. I lower my arm, and freeze. My eyes widen in pure, fucking, horror. Hell no. Right fucking there, with her purple fucking wings flared, is Bitchface.
“Oh. Fucking. Hell. No.”
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“Oh. Fucking. Hell. No."
"If your refuse-"
"You'll what? Stop paying me? Well you can't, because I quit."
"But, what will you do for-"
"Considering how many bits you throw at my dick every week, I won't need a job for a while."
my sentiments exactly
9363999
My dude, you just jumpstarted a chapter, good job!
Merry Christmas ya'll!
Celestia, she was the reason he was mobbed out the town.
I still have burn marks when that cheating cherry guy (the one from putting your hoof down) threw his torch behind him without looking.
NEVER FUCKING MIND, I TAKE IT BACK. 20/10, I NEED MORE!
Ohhh boy...
Not this kid...
Black cat huh? ...smells suspiciously like cheese.
Anon, you're slipping. Don't let people who smell like corpses through just because they give you a sob story. He could have been a foal murdering psychopath for all you know. You're going too soft man.
Hell to the fucking no. Don't wanna deal with her, or any shit she tries to pull.
I swear, Twilight's Anon's bad luck charm.
Congratulations, you are now short one Checkpoint Inspector!
Kinda want to see where this would go if they did something that made him so mad he went silent. That cold, wordless, type of pissed.
Holy shit, you're actually making them longer.
I was just throwing piss when I mentioned that earlier
But seriously, another fan-fucking-tastic chapter and goddamn, Bitchface is back... with a possible friendshit arc too!
As per the usual, looking forward to the next update, you beautiful author, you.
Oh this will not end well.
Excellent chapter, touching, funny, and technically Anon is correct. The human mind is a very complex thing. Psychology standards and patient status shouldn’t be able to be compared or correlated between two different species, since their brain chemistry should be different.
They. Fucking. Didn't.
And the super pissed anon rage comes
I do believe with their history she would automatically be disqualified due to having a personal past and how hostile he is with her.
..... they just fucked up so bad i would not be surprised to see him go super saine from pure rage
I...
I can't believe it. Of all the HAIR-BRAINED FUCKED UP SCHEMES I've seen these two do in fanfictions, THIS has got to be the fucking worst. Having your torturer help you get better.
Come on motherfucker, type faster. There's no way you're not gonna cliffhanger me again after those asshats closed Whisks bar. Rrrr. Also, fuck Twiglittle Spanklerats. Leave Anon's emotions alone, he's completely sustainable right on his own at the moment.
I am really questioning Celestia and Luna’s powers of observation. It’s either that or all of this is a convoluted attempt at getting them to make up. Or both I suppose.
This can only end well.
I think after a (forced) session or two, It's Twi- I mean B
tchface , who need's therapy.
9364008
I honestly can't see it going any other way now, it's just too perfect. I approve 👍👍👍👍
Welp, i can't see that ending without Anon getting defenstrated a few times.
At that point when they said I need therapy, I would be choking the two out and see what colors I can change them into.
Haha, this is adorable.
Welp, somebody is going to die.
Can I magically give him a Shock baton? Please?
9364781
Accident Man reference?
Same to ya! And everyone else too! Happy Holidays!
That moment when you realize this is probably the first, last, and only time Twilight and Anon will agree on anything,
9364201
oh they fucking did chief
This is both hilarious and horrifying. Like watching a clown fly through a windshield in slow motion, his horn sounding off also in slow motion.
9366603
Like Pennywise?
9366719
Exactly like Pennywise.
Also, if Anon doesn't comment on how horribly wrong Celly was to give Twi credit for being a therapist, I will be immensely disappointed.
Oh, the ancient demigod felt guilty over her past and flagelated herself with a magical construct.
Twi: Don't be sad!
Luna: You make a solid argument, Twilight Sparkle. Very well, I will now be- actually, I'm too biased and set against the conceited purple brat to make an argument.
Small typo, 'm' was turned into a comma.
-> "... that very few of them are assholes."
Otherwise really nice chapter, I can't wait to see Sparklebutt's reaction.
9364008
Please use that as start because it would be cool if was that using for start, and I can imagine not once but at least 10 reasons of why anon cannot cooperate with Twilight.
Like she is a pony who doesn't like him by what he is, or for what he says, and everytime he does that he hates her even more.
And finish with:
"AT LEAST I PREFER DERPY AS THERAPYST ONE THOUSAND TIMES THAN THAT DICKFACE."
"Really? Well then, and if we use her as your therapist?"
I can imagine Derpy being Anon Therapist, because he cannot be mad with her and she can listen him, even she tries to make a mess with advices. LOL
My responses to Celestia would be 1. I'm pretty sure Twilight isn't a licensed therapist (I expect her response to be something along the lines of "I did research on the subject" and his response being" yeah and i read a few books on brain surgery, doesn't mean i get to operate on a someone") 2.I'm pretty sure therapists aren't allowed to have been the main cause for the therapy. 3 Didn't you just finish telling Candance that kidnapping is wrong. 4. Twilight still has not had to face any punishments for what she did to him. 5.he's committed no crimes so at most she can fire him she can't actually force him to attend or hold him until he agrees.
On the other hand if this is therapy for both Twilight and him then its might sound like a good idea.
9367264
9375499
*scribbling of notes intensifies*
holy crap that’s a good idea
9375499
9375519
Man If Derpy would be the therapist of both Twilight and Anon, that would be really so many funny chapters it would even make a different fiction, just for them. Can you imagine that? LOL
9375620
It be awesome for Twilight to be thinking that she came here to be the therapist but is actually the one receiving treatment, I'd love to read her reaction like she argues that she can do the job but then Celestia finally says " Twilight i didn't summon you to be his therapist I'm sending you to attend one as well.
9375647
That would make Luna confuse, because she really thinks Twilight would be the therapist just because of her own "problems" I think Luna should know more people and shouldn't trusts only on Twilight because Anon hates her and Luna tries to ignore this, and that's really pushing to much, she should know better.
This fic is amazing.
I love this, I can't wait for more.
Well, time for retirement. When in doubt, flee for South America.
Jesus Christ I feel for anon rn OOF!!!
9375519
Anon should point out that he's not shown himself to be a threat to himself or others so long as they don't fucking piss him off, and even then never have innocents been endangered by him. In America, these are the only criteria that can allow him to be involuntarily detained (though sometimes the concept of "unable to make decisions for self" can be used too), and so unless the diarchs wish to start constricting their citizens' rights (Anon could then go into a spiel about how that's the fastest way to start a violent revolution), he cannot be compelled against his own will to participate in therapy.
Also, him quitting would be far worse for them than him, as basically that'd mean they're deciding between "national security (with proven and real threats)" or "one jerkass boi". So, he can either not go to therapy and continue doing his job protecting Equestria, OR, let the terrorists win while simultaneously permanently scarring any and all therapists he contacts. Eventually, the therapists for his therapists would probably resign from their positions for the traumas they indirectly faced.
Don't forget to have him start campaigning for the right to thought-privacy.
I quite enjoy this. Certainly deserves the like, I've read the whole thing, lol. Has that quirky-fan feel, yet still feels natural, and legitmate.