Chapter 21: So This is Some Weird Shit
In a Castle In Minotaur Kingdom...
The cloaked pony shrieks in absolute anger, sitting beside the red Minotaur King. “YOU DID WHAT!?!?” The dragon messenger smirks.
“We gave those griffons what was-“ he gets cut off by a magical grip around his throat, bringing him up to the pony’s face. “Wh-Wha-“
“No, what you did was throw off our advancements and resources, you useless, brainless lizards!” She throws him to the ground, making a crack from the stone floor. The dragon gets up with a hint of dizziness. “The griffons were fine, we didn’t need them,” the pony seethes. “We could have dealt with them later, when we didn’t have as many enemies facing us. We were already at a standstill, now we have another threat to deal with!” The dragon gulps as he gets his bearings. “Tell your ruler this, if they don’t get Princess Ember back-“
“Pfft, we don’t need that snarky priss!” The dragon yells. The cloaked pony face hoofs. The dragon gets lifted up again, before being slammed into the floor, creating a bigger dent.
“If I didn’t need to rely on you, I would have half a mind to make your species extinct,” she mutters. “Look, tell your ruler that-“
“My king! My king!” A Minotaur soldier calls, running down the long throne room.
“What?” The hypnotized red King asks.
“The griffons! They declared war on us! They’re joining the Euestrians!” He replies. The pony sighs deeply, dragging her hooves down her face.
“Great, just great...”
“W-what?! Why would-“ The dragon stammers in confusion, a face of fear dawning.
“They just found the most valuable resource that almost no other country has,” the pony starts. “They managed to get up to Equestria in a manner of economy. They’re not as fragile as you think they are anymore, thus-“ The pony ceases the dragon with her magic again. “YOU DO NOT ATTACK THE BUCKING GRIFFONS!!!” She yells, slamming the dragon repeatedly into the stone floor. Of course, the dragon’s able to take it due to its scales, but he’ll definitely still feel it.
This just became a lot harder for the pony’s plan. First, the dragons split up because the princess finally caught wind of who she’s sending her dragons to attack. Here’s a fun thing about contracts during a war, you don’t have to explicitly say who you need help attacking. When a princess is having economic problems, she’d accept anyone’s money, no question. That is, until she figures out who she’s attacking. Secondly, this mess. The griffons. They became rather fortified and dangerous recently. She didn’t want to test their strength while she’s just starting. The pony briefly contemplates whether or not she should just go ahead and backstab them. It’s not like she wasn’t going to do that, but she wanted to take advantage of their resourcefulness first...
Meanwhile
It’s been a few weeks since the little incident at the Checkpoint, with the Crusaders. It’s August now, time really flies. The griffons joined Equestria’s side, after a terrible bombing on one of their bases. Ever since then, the tides slowly turned. Equestria’s forces were helped by Griffonstone’s forces, supporting us with supplies, weapons, even their soldiers. However, they had more archers than the Minotaurs, thus making it a greater advantage for us. We’ve pushed back even harder than before, and it certainly shows with how much ground we gained.
Anyway, I’ve been doing pretty much the same. Whisk and I got to see a movie or two, mostly cheesy romance comedies. Seriously, who the fuck falls in love with someone by spending an hour with them? In any case, I finally worked up the courage to try to confront Segway today... Well, that’s what I would say if I wasn’t scared. However, I thought, ‘why not tell Spearhead? He’d know how to handle this!’ Then I remembered the whole ‘his wife’s pregnant’ thing, as well as his freak out when the war started... Probably not the best time. I will say this though, I’ve kept an eye on Segway. Him and his girlfriend have been really close, apparently. He even went out to another dinner or two before going to a movie. Shoeside had transferred, though it had nothing to do with me. He transferred over to Lucky’s Checkpoint. He was a great secretary.
Which leads me to today, the day where I have to interview a couple dozen ponies to fill in Shoeside’s spot. I sit at my desk, sighing as I hear knocking at the door. I’m doing the interviewing because I know what kind of pony makes a good secretary, and I don’t want someone batshit crazy or annoying. I normally wouldn’t work on a Sunday like today. However, I can’t find any other day to actually do this. I look at the clock. It’s almost three. “Come in!” I call, taking up my clipboard. The door creaks open to reveal a brown pony with a disheveled mane. I nod towards a seat as I look at the clipboard. “Mister... Oak?” I ask. He nods, sitting down.
“Yes uhh...” He blinks as he looks at me. “... Are you a guy or a girl?” He asks seriously. I sigh. “Hey, there’s a time and place for-“
“Get the fuck out,” I interject. I’m not having a fucking Pokémon professor’s bullshit in here. “Next!” I call as Oak leaves.
The next applicant is a twitchy light blue pony. His green eyes are so dilated, I almost thought he took drugs. I shake my head, getting rid of those thoughts. “So you’re miss-“
“Thename’sTwitchy,butI’mnottootwitchybecauseIdrinkthoseBlueBullEnergydrinksandcaffeinehelpsmecalmdownalotbecauseI’msuperduper-“ I clamp her mouth shut.
“Do you have an addiction to energy drinks?” I ask plainly. She looks around with her eyes before shrugging. “Then please leave.” In an instant, she jets off. I sigh, crossing out her name. “Next!” This is going to take a while. The next applicant is a blue-ish pony. However, the moment he notices me, he grimaces. “Nope, I’m not going to work for a monkey,” he mutters. With that, he leaves. I scoff.
“Next!” I call, ignoring the rude asshole.
After an hour or two, I look over all the crossed out names. One fucker’s left to choose, but I swear to God if they’re just as much of an annoyance or an asshole like everyone else, I’m going to snap their fucking neck. I take a deep breath out. “Hey! Uh, can I come in yet?” I hear a female voice call.
“Please, come in,” I say. The door opens, revealing a blue mare with freckles. Her mane’s a little curly.
“Um, hey, my name’s Clipper,” she says uncertainly, seeing me. I nod, seeing her name.
“Cool, sit down,” I say. She quickly sits down. “Please don’t be a fucking walnut,” I mutter under my breath.
“What?” She asks. I wave my hand, feigning it off.
“Nothing, nothing. So miss Clipper, you want to take this secretary job?” I ask. She nods. “Great, thanks for answering correctly, unlike applicant ten,” I say seriously. She blinks in confusion. “Now, what makes you think you can handle this job?” I ask. “Make it a short answer please.” She stops herself from answering and looks at the ground uncertainly.
“... I uh... I guess I believe in myself?” She guesses. I quirk an eyebrow.
“You’re not sure?” I ask. She shakes her head. I hum in acknowledgement, pretending to write something down. Instead, I’m actually making a little doodle of a car, next to a doodle of a hotdog I made an hour ago. Clipper tenses as she sees me do that, since she has no idea what’s on the paper. “Now, next question,” I lean towards her. “Do you know what you’re getting into?” I ask. I admit, I kinda feel bad for not giving Shoeside enough credit for when he was working here. He had to deliver certain papers to certain posts, check over bills and letters, sort said bills and letters, etc. Basically, something that would drive me up the wall if I had to do that as well as what I already do.
“... I’m not sure,” she says. I nod, improving my car doodle.
“Nice. Now, final question,” I say. “How early are you willing to wake up?” I ask.
“I guess as early as I need to,” she says. I nod.
“Awesome. You got the job, congrats, come back tomorrow at five to five thirty,” I say, packing up my stuff. The mare blinks in confusion as I get up to leave.
“W-Wait, isn’t there a debating period or-“
“Do you want this job?” I ask her impatiently. “There is literally no one else right now, and the papers are starting to stack. I’ll try to cut you some slack, but I make no promises.” Clipper gulps audibly. “Well? Do you want this job?”
“U-uh, um, ye-Yes!” She answers nervously.
“Awesome, see you tomorrow dark and early,” I say, heading out. Before I close the door, I mutter under my breath. “Thank god there’s at least someone that looks competent.”
It’s four thirty in the morning, and Whisk sighs as I put on my hat. “Why did you make meeting her so early?” She asks tiredly.
“Because I’ll need to show her where everything is,” I say. “Because God forbid someone else having any fucking time to train her.” I turn to Whisk, pecking her head. “I love you, don’t get in trouble,” I joke, heading out the door.
“Bye, don’t forget to think of what you want for dinner!” Whisk calls as I close the door. Smiling to myself, I start walking away. Suddenly, I hear a meow behind me. I stop and turn to see a familiar black cat in front of my door.
“Kettle?” I ask. The little crap meows and comes up to me. “What the- I haven’t seen you in months!” It meows back in response. I think Kettle went missing before Whisk and I found the little griffons, but I guess we completely forgot about her. “You’re so lucky Whisk forgot about you, otherwise she would have done a manhunt for your ass,” I chastise, crouching down. It meows and looks over to an alleyway. I look in the same direction to see a lot of cats in the shadows, smaller than Kettle. I put two and two together and scoff. “Motherhood?” I ask. Kettle meows in reply. “Hm... So why are you here?” I wonder aloud. Kettle simply meows before licking my hand and going to her kittens. “... Well, whenever you feel like it, you can come back home,” I say. Kettle stops to look at me. We stare at each other for a minute before Kettle runs off to her litter. I stand up, putting my hands in my pockets as I watch them disappear into the darkness of the alley.
“... Weird cat,” I mutter jokingly. With that, I turn back towards where I was going, and continue on.
It’s almost six, Clipper and I are almost done with the basics of her job. I decided to give her something easy today. “Remember, the post boxes are here, here, and here,” I point out on a map I grabbed as we walk. Clipper looks at the spots I pointed to and nods. “Today is going to be easy for you, just sort out which letters go to which box, and the Checkpoint’s mailmare will take care of the rest from there. A little tip, all the letters have a stamp. Pay attention to the stamps, got it?”
“Yes sir.”
“Good. You’re a quick learner so far, let’s hope you actually retained anything,” I say, guiding us to the office building. Walking in, I point at the front desk. “This is your main place, it’s right outside my office,” I clarify. I stop walking to turn to her. “Now, I’m not in my office most of the day, but I’ll be here around six or seven until eight to ten at night. If you have any concerns or you need something explained, come to me,” I say.
“O-okay,” Clipper says nervously.
“Hey, kid, lighten up, you got simple stuff today,” I say, patting her back. She nods, smiling nervously. “Oh, and one important thing-“ I point to a radio with a walkie talkie on top of it. “-the radio can be used for music, but the walkie talkie is for stuff like security.” I turn to her as she looks around. “Welcome to day one of God-knows how long.” I look at the clock. “Right, I have to go. Don’t set anything on fire,” I say quickly, leaving Clipper.
“U-uh, will do!” She calls out. I smile to myself as I get out, getting a good feeling about today.
It’s noon, and I want to bash my fucking head in. “WHAT DO YOU FUCKING MEAN THE WOOD IS OVERWEIGHT!?!?” I scream into the communication device.
“I’m tellin’ ya-“ the transfer officer stops to bite something crunchy. After a moment of silence, he responds. “... It’s a fat piece of wood.” I drag my hand down my face. Ever since an hour ago, there’s a holdup with a different part of the Checkpoint. There’s a line that deals with carts that pass through, large containments, etc. However, they couldn’t figure out something earlier, and it’s making a holdup. Then, they contacted me since I was the Checkpoint’s manager. It’s been like this for a fucking hour.
“Okay, let’s try this again, describe to me, in detail, how the fuck this wood is fat,” I seethe.
“Weeeelp...” The officer smacks his lips. “... I have a buddy name Timber, and he said that somethin’ might be wrong with the wood...” The officer takes another minute to take a bite out of something.
“Are you fucking eating- you know what, fuck it, continue.”
“... So, I asked him, ‘What?’ And he says, ‘Well, it’s all kinda purple-y-ish, but it’s too dark to say for certain.”
“Dark- what do you mean it’s too dark!? It’s fucking noon!” I say.
“Weeeeelp... Timber says that it’s a special delivery or somethin’. All hush-hush apparently. Heck, he’s even saying it might not even be wood.” I slam my head on to the desk. I sit up and sigh before responding.
“So, none of you have any fucking idea what it is?” I ask, pinching the bridge of my nose.
“Nnnope,” the officer responds.
“Then why the fuck DID YOU CALL IT WOOD!?!?” I shriek.
“... I dunno,” he responds. I groan loudly in anger before getting up.
“THAT’S IT!!!” I yell, “I’M COMING OVER THERE!!!” I jam the radio into my pockets before storming out. Barely anyone comes up anyway. I turn left once I’m out of my office and spot Spearhead, marching with the rest of his squad. He sees me and his eyes go wide as I storm up. “Come on, I want to make sure someone sees me in self defense,” I say angrily, grabbing him as I pass by.
“Wha- ow! What the-!?” He complains. “What’s going on- what do you mean self defense!?”
“It’s self defense because my brain cells will commit suicide if I hear one more stupid fucking thing from that mother fucker’s mouth!” I yell. The rest of Spearhead’s guard-buddies shrug as I drag him away before continuing on.
Spearhead and I arrive at the line that’s been held up for almost an hour and a half now. A guard confronts me as I walk up. “Halt, I must-“
“Get the fuck out of my way,” I grit, shoving him aside easily. Spearhead rolls his eyes and helps up the fallen guard as I continue on. I stop at the Checkpoint and look around. There’s a large gate that slides apart to allow entrants through. I can imagine at least an elephant or two being able to walk through it. Like my station, the stone walls of the Checkpoint reach high to the sky. It kind of makes me dizzy. There are five guards in front of the gate. The gate itself is like a giant metal door, with a smaller door at the center for regular creatures to walk through. I come up to it and knock. The door opens and I see another generic fucking guard. He apparently recognizes me and sighs before allowing me through. I immediately see the huge cart in question, but it’s covered in blankets. I really want to yank the fucking sheets off, but if it’s a ‘special delivery’, which might mean I can’t do that. I look around to see five or six different guards, a couple of griffons driving the cart, and a griffon talking to one of the soldiers. “Alright,” I start calmly, grabbing everyone’s attention. “Who here is the fuckwit that I’ve been talking to FOR AN ENTIRE FUCKING HOUR!?!?” I scream. The solider talking to the griffon raises his hoof in the air.
“Yeeep. That’d be me,” He says. I walk over to him, with my eye twitching.
“Alright, now who’s this jackass?” I ask, gesturing to the griffon.
“Well that’s rude-“ I interrupt the griffon by sending him a death glare.
“Rude?” I ask. “RUDE!?!?” I screech. I point at the cart. “You know what’s rude!? Having everyone wait on your fatass cart to fucking move!” The griffon flinches. I turn to the transfer officer. “Have any of you fucking dimwits figured out what the fuck is in there?” I ask. The griffon clears his throat, grabbing my attention.
“If you needed to know, just ask,” he says. I look at the transfer officer.
“... Please tell me you’ve asked him,” I say quietly. The transfer officer hums, scratching his chin.
“Weeeell... I must have forgotten,” he says calmly. I take a deep, deep breath in. I let it out, trying to keep my boiling blood in check.
“Okay... Okay. Okay! OKAY!!!” I yell. “LOOK HERE YOU FUCKING HALF-BAKED FUCKWIT-“ I promptly continue screaming out lines and lines of curse words as I vent out how fucking stupid this is. The guards slowly back away from me as I continue. I also keep making various gestures as I continue venting. Spearhead walks out and stops as he sees me. He starts snickering and takes out a paper bag. He sits down, taking out a bottle of soda. Unscrewing it, it gives a satisfying crack before he takes off the lid and sips on it. He sighs in comfort as he watches me continue.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this mad,” he says to a guard next to him as I continue my rant.
“Does- does he normally do this?” The guard asks. Spearhead shrugs and sips his soda.
“Kinda, kinda not. Normally he doesn’t go on for this long,” he replies.
It’s been five minutes, and Spearhead’s done with his lunch. I pant as I finish up my rant. “-and I swear to God, I will snap your fucking neck if you do this bullshit again!” I yell out, panting. The griffon looks between me and the transfer officer in nervousness.
“... Alright, sounds good,” the officer says plainly. I nod, panting.
“Good, now what the fuck’s in there?” I ask the griffon.
“E-ehm, just some resources for Equestria. It’s a uh-“ he leans in. “It’s the new mineral we found in our country,” he whispers. I nod.
“Cool,” I say calmly. The griffon reaches over to his saddlebag to pull out a cigar. He hands it to me. “Oh, no thanks, I don’t-“
“I insist,” the griffon says. I look at the cigar. It’s one of those fat cigars people in old cartoons would use. I look at the griffon, who’s smiling. Not in any shady way, just a regular smile. I look back at the cigar.
“... Fuck it,” I mutter, taking the cancer stick. The griffon nods and takes out a lighter. Taking it, I try to flick a fire up. After a few, frustrating tries, the griffon takes it back to calmly click a fire to life. I scoff and take the lighter, putting the flame to the cigar. Once it’s lit, I close the light, giving it back to the griffon before taking a breath of smoke in. I cough almost immediately afterwards. “Ugh, fuck,” I complain. The griffon chuckles.
“Only idiots suck in cigar smoke,” he says. “Just let it fill your mouth naturally, it’s not a cigarette.” I give him a glare and flip him off before trying again. It’s smoother this time, though it’s still rough. However, it is oddly relaxing. I breathe out, letting the smoke out into air. I notice Spearhead walking up as I take in another breath.
“Anon? Smoking?” He asks incredulously. I roll my eyes.
“Fuck off,” I mutter, letting smoke out as I talk.
“Sorry, it’s just... I’d never thought you to be a smoking type,” he says. I breathe in the cigar before turning to the transfer officer and the griffon.
“Right, anyway, we still need to check it just to make sure it’s what you say it is. Protocol and all,” I say. As I take in another drag, the griffon allows a few guards to come and take a look. After a minute, the guards come back and nod. “Awesome, now let’s go.” I walk back through the door as the bigger doors open. “I’ll return to my shift, please don’t make me come out again,” I say as I calmly walk back to my post. Spearhead follows close behind me as everyone carries on.
I walk into the office building, yawning. There haven’t been any more incidents since six hours ago, which puts me in a good mood. Now, I just gotta check up on- “Look, can you two please just leave?” I hear Clipper say. I look up to see two guards without their helmets on, standing in front of Clipper.
“Aw come on, we’re only asking if you want to come to the club with us,” one of them says.
“Yeah! It’d be totally fun!” The other says. I clear my throat, making the both of them spin around to face me.
“Can I help you?” I ask, crossing my arms. I’d say they didn’t look like they belong there, but all the guards look so similar, I couldn’t honestly be able to tell if they did or didn’t.
“Well, uh, we were just asking if she wanted to have fun,” one answers.
“Did she say yes or no?”
“We just thought-“
“Did she say yes? Or did she say no?” I ask again.
“S-she said no,” they answer.
“Then stop bothering her before I report your asses to Spearhead,” I threaten. They both gulp and quickly pass me, going out the door. Clipper sighs.
“Thank you, they’ve been following me for an hour now,” she says. I nod.
“If any of the guards start harassing you again, tell them that you’re busy with something either me or Spearhead told you to do. They know me well enough to know how mad I’d be, and they know Spearhead’s willing to teach them a lesson.” Clipper nods. “I advise you to try and talk to Spearhead at some point. He’s a nice pony to know around here,” I say.
“Will do,” she replies. I nod and start heading to my office. “Oh, uh, I sorted through as many letters as I could!” Clipper says quickly. I turn to her with a raised eyebrow.“I uh, made a system-“
“Write it down,” I say. “Just explain how the system works on a paper or something. I’ll read over it at some point today or tomorrow. Just don’t think that the system will always work.” With that, I go into my office.
I write out ‘fuck you’ on a paper as I hear a knock on my door. I stop and look at the door in confusion. It’s almost nine, who the fuck is still here other than the guards? “Come in,” I say. My eyes widen to see a tired looking Clipper, opening the door slowly. “The hell- why are you still here?” I ask in confusion.
“... I didn’t know when I get off,” she answers. I blink after a couple seconds and sigh.
“You could have left an hour ago. I’m sorry I forgot to tell you,” I say, going back to my papers.
“It’s okay, I’ll see you tomorrow,” she replies, closing the door. I sigh, rubbing my face. How could I have forgotten something like that? I shake my head and just continue working. The door opens again, revealing Clipper. “Oh! I almost forgot!” She yells, scaring the fuck out of me. I clear my throat before looking at her, tired. “I wrote out my system! Here you go,” she says, handing me her paper. I take it to see lots of words. “Bye Mister Anon!” She says, closing the door. I sigh.
“Great... More words,” I mutter. I stop as I realize I forgot to check something. Like my own office, there’s a machine that keeps track of what the worker at the desk does. It keeps track of movements, decisions, and results. I get up and walk to the door. I don’t really know what to expect, so I just brace myself and open the door. I walk to her desk and scan over it. I see lots of doodles on a paper, three piles of letters, and a rulebook. No citations. I hum in interest. “... Good so far.” I smirk and return to my office. I’ll read her system tomorrow. For now, I’m going home.
I open the door to find Whisk laying on the couch, sipping on a soda as she watches television. “Hey Anon,” she says, looking up and taking a sip.
“Whisk, it’s almost midnight, why are you up?” I ask her, hanging up my hat and coat.
“Because I love you,” she says. I grimace.
“Any better reason?” I ask, sitting next to her.
“Nnnnnope,” she says, taking another sip.
“How are you going to get up early?” I ask her. She wriggles around, before coming up to me.
“Coffee,” she says simply.
“Oh yeah?” I ask, smirking. Suddenly, Whisk frowns.
“... Did you smoke?” She asks. I drop my smirk as I look at her in surprise. It also dawns on me that she’s still a predator by nature.
“... Yes,” I answer.
“How many?”
“One.” Whisk stares at me for a minute before sighing.
“Don’t smoke,” she simply says.
“Don’t worry, I’m not going to smoke again,” I say dismissively, looking up to the television.
“Mhmm,” Whisk says, not really believing me. She turns back to the television, cuddling up to me.
It’s five in the morning as I walk out of the convenience store with a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. It’s only a pack, I don’t need that many for this week. I go ahead and take out a cig, lighting the lighter, and light the cig. I take a drag as I walk to work.
It’s five thirty as I show Clipper today’s new instructions. “Today, it’s a little harder. Nothing much, but I’ll need you to sort through the letters coming in, as well as going out. There’s a lot today because no one did it yesterday. You don’t have to get to all of them, but get through as many as you can,” I say. “Like the letters that were going out yesterday, just put them in piles. I’ll go through it myself afterwards. Capiche?” Clipper nods.
“Yes sir,” she says.
“Kid, just call me Anon, I’m not old enough to be sir,” I say, taking out a cigarette. Clipper blinks as I take out my lighter and light it.
“Uh, isn’t this a no-smoking-“
“Don’t care,” I say, breathing out some smoke.
“... At least don’t smoke around my desk,” she mutters under her breath.
“What?” I ask, not sure if I heard her.
“... Is it okay if you don’t smoke around my desk?” She asks. I nod.
“Sure, sorry,” I say. I go ahead and start walking out.
“Thank you!” She calls. I open the door and step outside, only to be stopped by Segway. He stops as he sees me and widens his eyes.
“Anon? You’re-“
“If it’s a comment about me smoking,” I grit through the cig. “I’m going to put this out, on your face.” Segway coughs and looks at me with concern.
“Anon, I’ve never seen you smoke. Why are you smoking? Don’t you know-“
“Yeah yeah, toxins, chemicals, the whole shebang’s in this cancer-inducing paper stick,” I say, gesturing to my pack. “I know, it’s bad for me, but at this point, I don’t care anymore.” I take a drag before trying to puff up a ring of smoke. Instead, it looks like regular-shaped smoke. “Damn,” I mutter.
“Anon, I’m just saying-“
“Segway, I don’t care,” I say, starting my walk over to my small office to begin the day. Coming up to it, I stop outside the small building to finish up my cig. Once I put it out, I head inside and toss it into a metal bin under my desk. Sitting down, I gather up my senses and lean towards the mic. “Next!”
The first entrant is a griffon I haven’t seen in a while. Snowy, Bacon’s wife, steps in with Maple in tow. Both of them stop and scrunch up their faces as they enter. “Sorry, something was... burning, earlier,” I say.
“Uncle Anon!” Maple says, rushing up to the window. Maple’s definitely taller, almost reaching the windowsill. His feathers are a darker red than the last time I saw him.
“Hey kiddo, hey Snowy,” I greet. Snowy sighs as she walks up.
“Bacon will be coming at some point tomorrow, he had to work another day today,” she says.
“Darn,” I say, shaking my head, taking their passports. “We can talk more later, today’s a busy day for me, sorry,” I continue, scanning their papers.
“It’s okay Uncle Anon,” Maple says. I smile up at him as I stamp their passports green.
“Good. See you guys,” I say, handing their papers back. As they leave, I lean towards the mic. “Next!”
The next entrant I see makes me stop. A tall, green and orange changeling with deer antlers walks in. “Uh, hi, I’m-“
“What in the fuck happened to you?” I ask. He blinks in confusion.
“W-what?”
“Your color scheme... what the fuck?” I ask in disgust. The changeling blinks.
“U-um-“
“You know what? Just... just get over here,” I say. “Fuck it, I’ve seen worse.” The changeling comes up to me and hands me his passport.
“Um, uh, my name’s Thorax,” he says. I nod absentmindedly as I scan through his passport. Diplomat papers check out, his passport checks out... I shrug and stamp green.
“Alright, here you go Lord of the Flies,” I say, handing him his passport. He blinks in confusion as he takes his papers.
“B-but I’m-“
“Next!” I quickly say into the mic. Thorax sighs and leaves. The next entrant is, surprisingly, Luna. She sighs as she walks in.
“Anon, we art so tired, we are ready to greet Death with open arms,” she says. I sigh.
“Really? Why?”
“There was a conflict of some sort on the frontlines. Not of combat, but of the soldiers. We hath learned that everyone is getting more and more exhausted as the days go by,” she says. I nod.
“Yeah, war tends to do that shit,” I say wisely.
“The only thing keeping me sane is this luxurious liquid,” Luna says, pulling out a flask to take a sip, only to find it empty. “Damn,” she mutters.
“... How many flasks do you-“
“Hold on for a moment,” Luna says. Her horn glows, and a portal opens up beside her. On the other side of the portal, I can see a bookshelf with tons of flasks. I gawk at the scenery before Luna closes it, holding a new flask in her hoof. She unscrews it and takes a swig.
“Luna, how many have you had today?” I ask in concern.
“... Five twenty,” she says confidently. I just stare at her as I try to process that.
“... Right, papers please,” I say. She hands me her papers and I go through them. Stamping it green, I hand her papers back. She takes them, and almost walks out the wrong way. “Luna, the exit is that way,” I say, pointing where she’s supposed to go. She looks over and nods.
“Verily,” she says. Walking out the right way, I sigh. I grab my walkie talkie.
“Spearhead, please escort Princess Luna to her destination,” I say.
“Uh.. Oka- oh... I see her now,” he responds. “... She’s trying to push a door open, but it says pull.” I sigh and lean towards the mic.
“Next!” I sigh as I realize today is going to be a long day.
It’s almost noon, and I’m getting to the last civilian entrant for today. “Next!” I say into the mic. The next entrant steps in, being a griffon. He walks up to me, looking around.
“Man, this place smells like it’s rotting,” he says.
“No, that’s just your brain,” I say. He snaps his head to me and sighs.
“Right, so, here’s the thing-“ he stops and takes out a knife. “I’m robbing you.” I just look at the knife pointed at me.
“... Really? A knife?” I ask in disappointment. “No bomb? No portable acid?” I shake my head at him. “I mean, of all the things you could have pulled out, you pull out a knife?” The griffon scoffs.
“And what’s wrong with a knife?”
“What’s the point of having a knife if you have claws?” I ask. He starts to answer, but stops. He looks at his claws, then at the knife. He frowns as he looks back at me.
“W-well, a knife just sounded cool, okay!?” The griffon sputters.
“Dude, I’m not even going to start on the fact that you tried to rob a military Checkpoint,” I say. “Like, what the hell’s going through your head? Were you dropped as a baby?”
“Just- shut up and give me what you have!” He yells.
“No! This is bullshit!” I yell back.
“I’ll stab you if you don’t!” He yells louder.
“Oh please, go ahead, try me motherfucker!” I yell even louder. He lunges forward, through the window, but I narrowly dodge the blade and grab his arm. I twist it, before grabbing the knife and taking it away. I bring a leg up and kick him in the face. I quickly go to my drawer, unlock it, and take out my crossbow. I immediately come back up and aim it at the groaning griffon.
“Ow, buck that hurt,” he mutters.
“It’s going to hurt a lot more if you make a move,” I warn. He looks at me and freezes as he sees the ranged weapon I’m holding. He holds his claws up.
“U-uh, look, I’m sorry-“ he gets cut off as we hear screaming from my left. My heart seemingly skips a beat as I hear what sounds like war cries. “W-what’s that?!” The griffon cries.
“Get over here!” I order. He hurriedly jumps through the window, and I put him under the desk. “Stay quiet,” I warn, still aiming the crossbow. I grab my walkie talkie from my pocket and quickly speak into it.
“Alert! All soldiers! We need eyes on the Checkpoint’s wall facing north, please respond!” I say quickly. After a moment, I hear sirens, shortly before explosions ring out, shaking the room.
“Oh Celestia! What’s going on!?” The griffon yells.
“Inspector! Stay in your room! I repeat, stay in your-“ the radio gets cut off as another explosion rocks the building.
“Dammit!” I yell, getting down. “Hang on man, everything’s going to be-“ I get interrupted by a heavy sounding ding. I peek over the windowsill to find a dent on the metal door entrants enter. “Shit, stay quiet,” I mutter to the griffon. He whimpers, but stays quiet. I look around and grab the knife I had dropped to get the crossbow. I set it in my pocket, hoping it won’t stab me. I go back down and wait for whatever happens next. Another ding sounds out. Then, another. Finally, the door is seemingly blasted open, falling to the floor. Other than the sirens and explosions, all is quiet for a minute. I keep staring at the wall behind my swivel seat, huddled next to the griffon. I look over to him to gesture for him to keep quiet. Slowly, cautiously, I bring my head above the desk. Through the window, I can see a tall Minotaur, scanning the room. He doesn’t see me, good. However, he still steps in.
“Stupid leader,” he mutters. “Sending me to do task alone. I wish to be climbing the walls, not doing tedious task of ‘breaking doors open’.” I watch as he goes to the door across from him. He tries to touch it, but the enchantment stops him from doing so. “What the- magic door? I don’t have time for this, I’ll just bash it open!” He takes his right hand and forms a fist. I remember when the enchantment’s limits were tested last time. It was not that strong. I silently groan and quietly stand up, aiming the crossbow towards him.
“Yo, shithead,” I say. He turns to me in surprise. “Ha, you looked,” I say, quickly pulling the trigger. The crossbow jolts as it sends a bolt straight into the Minotaur’s chest, making him cry out in pain, before he falls to the ground. “... That was easy,” I say, putting down my weapon. He isn’t getting up so far, and he even said he’s alone. I look down at the griffon. “Alright, just stay calm, he won’t-“ I get interrupted as I hear the Minotaur’s body shift. I look up in confusion to see him getting up, angry. “Oh shit,” I say, pulling my weapon back up. I try to fire, but the bolt narrowly misses. With this opportunity, the Minotaur grabs me by the neck and pulls me through the window. He tosses me across the room, which slams me into the concrete wall. I slide down as pain racks through my body. “F-fuck!” I groan.
“I remember you,” the Minotaur says, taking out the bolt stuck to him. “You detained me. Do you know how long prison life was?” He asks, walking up to me.
“N-not long enough,” I mutter. The Minotaur pulls his fist back and punches my leg. I hear several of my bones crack as pain shoots through my entire body. “FUUUCK!!!” I yell, trying to grab my leg. However, the Minotaur grabs my arms, lifting me up with one hand.
“You insulted me-“ he punches my stomach. “-imprison me-“ he throws me into the wall again. “-and I’m not happy.” I keep trying to hold myself together as I feel tears running down my face, groaning in pain. “Now look at you, where are your words now, stupid ape?” He asks, chuckling. I can barely even talk, too much pain is going through me. “I guess I’m glad to be here alone now, I get to watch you die.” I slowly look up to see the Minotaur’s fist getting ready to finish me off. His smile is maniacal. “See you in Tartarus,” he says. Suddenly, a cry rings out as the griffon from before jumps through the window, claws out. In moments, the Minotaur is screaming in pain as the griffon digs into him with his claws, screaming. “GET OFF!!! GET OFF!!!” He yells. I keep panting as I watch the scene unfold. Grunting, I slowly get up and reach for the knife in my pocket. I feel my blood as well as the knife, making me realize I probably cut myself at some point. I take it out, stumbling towards the fighting beasts. The Minotaur finally grabs the griffon by his arm, and throws him onto the ground. His back is turned to me. “Stupid bird, what did you think you could accomplish? I am a warrior!” I quicken my pace, reaching to him and pull back the knife. “I cannot be defeated by-“ I plunge the knife into his back as hard as I could, pulling it out just as quickly. He roars in pain, going to his knees. He turns his head to see me. “Y-you-you-“
“I don’t give-“ I plunge the knife into his back again. “-a flying fuck.” With that, the Minotaur dies, slumping to the floor. I slowly stumble to the griffon, checking his pulse. “... He’ll be fine,” I determine, slumping next to his unconscious form. I shakily sigh as I hear the battle continue outside. “... I wonder if my cigs are fine.” I pull out my pack, only to find them crushed and torn. “... Great,” I mutter, tossing them away. I simply stare at the wall, feeling tired as the adrenaline wears off... I wonder what Whisk will make for dinner?...
I hear the steady beep of a heart monitor as I regain consciousness. I slowly open my eyes to see a white hospital room. To my left, Whisk sits in a chair pulled up to me, fast asleep. I can see bags under her eyes. To my right, I can see the monitors and some chairs next to my hospital bed. I keep looking around in confusion until everything seemingly rushes back to me. “... That was the worst day I’ve ever had,” I mutter. I now realize that it kind of hurts to talk. I look around again until I finally notice a clock to my left. It’s almost midnight. I sigh, wishing I had a cig. I look back at Whisk to find she’s still asleep, thus I decide not to wake her up. Instead, I decide to look at what all I can feel and see about my body. It feels like my leg is mostly fine, my stomach feels like shit, my arms are bruised, and I can’t really move. Relatively speaking, I’m in pretty good condition. Suddenly, a pop sounds as a flash of light blinds me. I blink out the brightness to see a dark blue blue before feeling a pair of hooves hug me.
“Anon! Thank the stars!” She cries. This, in turn, wakes Whisk up with a jolt.
“This hurts,” I grunt, causing Luna to release me.
“S-sorry! Sorry!” I sigh in relief before looking up at them.
“Look, I-“ before I can continue, Whisk rushes to me, hugging me much harder than Luna. I groan in pain as she cries, sobbing into my chest.
“Dammit, this is the second time someone cried to me this week,” I mutter. Whisk ignores me, continuing her apologies and sobs. Luna frowns as she watches on.
“Please, forgive her, it’s been a few days,” Luna says. I blink as she tells me this information and look at her.
“A few days?” I ask over Whisk’s sobbing. Luna nods.
“Broken leg, broken bones, internal bleeding,” Luna lists off. I hum in acknowledgement.
“I’m guessing magic fixed me up?” I ask. Luna nods.
“That, and a lot of stitching,” she says. I nod.
“Sounds about right,” I say. I look at Whisk, who keeps crying. “Whisk? Whisk!?” I call. She stops sobbing long enough to look at me with tears in her eyes. “I’m fine, I’m right here, everything’s okay, alright?” I ask. She shakily nods her head, trying not to cry.
“I-I missed you,” she says. “I-I was afraid-“
“I’m here, don’t worry,” I try to soothe. I’d pet her, but I can’t will up enough energy to move my arms. “Everything’s going to be okay.” She nods again, laying her head on my chest.
“... I’ll leave you two alone,” Luna says, teleporting out. We sit in silence, as Whisk sniffs here and there.
“... A-Anon,” she starts.
“Hm?”
“... R-remember when w-we fought?” She asks. I simply blink, being caught off guard.
“... What?” I ask.
“W-when we had the... the babies?” She tries. It suddenly clicks as I know what she’s referring to.
“Um... yeah? What about it?” I ask.
“I’m... I’m sorry,” she says. “I-I’m so, sorry.” I look at her in confusion.
“Uh... Okay?”
“I- I never said a-anything, and I-I thought we didn’t have to b-bring it up again,” she explains. “B-but when you almost... when you almost...” Whisk takes another shuddering breath before she continues. “... I-I realized that I might not be able t-to-“
“Whisk, that was months ago,” I deadpan. “Why would I still be mad about it if I never even brought it up again?” I ask. “You know me Whisk, if there was a problem, I’d say it. Hell, I forgot about that fight ever existing!” Whisk sniffs. “Was I mad? Yes. Was I mad about what you tried? Yes. However, I realized that you were thinking about the children, and I’m not going to fault anyone for that.” I sigh. “It was a crazy week, tensions were high-“
“I’ll be better, I promise,” Whisk says quietly.
“... Whisk, just be you. I didn’t love you for being better than most creatures,” I say. “Though, I admit that’s a nice bonus.” Whisk giggles softly.
“... I really don’t deserve you,” she says.
“Yeah, you deserve better, but I’m not gonna let you go anytime soon,” I say, smirking.
“... I love you,” Whisk says.
“I love you too,” I reply. “Now, go home. You’re going to be tired before you’ll even be at work.”
“Hmm... I can live with that,” Whisk says, staying where she is. I sigh.
“Fine, but go to sleep,” I say.
“Make me,” Whisk says jokingly.
“... I will literally recite all rules and regulations regarding passport procedures-“
“Alright, you win,” Whisk says, giggling. She looks up at me, with a tear-stained face. “Goodnight.” I smile.
“Goodnight,” I say.
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Wait, weren't they separated?
Up at four am, at work until nine or ten pm, and then right back every day of the week. That is some serious overtime.
That cigar the griffon gave Anon seems suspicious, given how nearly every other creature reacts to Anon smoking. Everyone is trying to tell him something about smoking, but he thinks it's the same as Earth-brand smokes.
I’ve read a Crafter’s Dream and I say that I love it so far. I’m just waiting for the finale. Also noticed that both this Anon and Steve are snarky assholes who are surrounded by fucking idiots.
9785640
*had question about kids, apparently previous chapter had them moved out.
Did I miss something? I'm left more confused by Anon/Whisk than anything, because now they're...together? Not separated? But still have separate homes?
*comment mostly removed because issue was smoothed out in re-writes
9785664
I rewrote the chapter before the last one, or rather, I changed up how it ended. I’m sorry for the confusion.
9785640
Yeah, I rewrote the chapter before the last one. I swear I said something about it...
9785682
*checks last chapter*
Ah, there it is- they were moved out...just...suddenly. Ok. (Many questions.)
It still seems like the entire issue was glossed over rather abruptly- kids, her actions, how that would realistically affect someone, etc.
However, perhaps I've been reading far too much into your intentions with these two, and your goal isn't to really further develop the Anon/Whisk relationship beyond a simple side note. I'm honestly not sure at this point; and if that's just how things are supposed to pan out, then alright.
9785690
I admit, it is.
9785699
Ah, in that case, it certainly makes sense the various issues that have cropped up; it was never intended to be a focal point of the story, and ended up spiraling into one in the comments. I have to say that is a bit saddening, because their dynamic was simply fantastic, and I was hoping for more since it had so much potential for character development for Anon; and the intense comment discussion I think shows how much some readers got invested in those two as well. (And I got a chance to look over the re-writes, and those smooth things over a lot better.)
That said, thank you for the clarification, and I wish you best of luck in the future with the story.
9785688
Alright then, as long as it's consistent, then good on you for changing it up and making it flow. I'll basically echo what RadBunny said in the post above this one.
9785682
Gonna have to go back and re-read it now.
That explains A LOT.
*Me, reading the author's note at the end*
Uh, I, fuck man, thank you. Just, thank you. Like hell, that really caught me off-guard, but thank you. I mean, I never realized my story was actually good enough to qualify for a shout-out, especially from someone who is a way better author than me. Just, thanks.
9785769
Man, I love your story! It’s interesting, funny, and overall very good! You deserve it!
I've been a smoker for 11 years this is exactly what it's like when people see me smoking.
Does she mean five and twenty like the old timey way of saying twenty five or five hundred and twenty?
I need context bro.
I was one of the first to read a crafter's dream.
9785769
Your story is great.
9785792
Thanks. Like, a lot. It's kinda weird, because I'm trying to properly express my gratitude, but it's hard to find the right words. So just know that from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
9785839
Thanks Acadians. Thank you for all the times you've spotted various errors in my story. It's really helped me through the months.
9785856
You're absolutely welcome keep up the amazing work.
In all honesty considering all he's had to deal with since coming to Equestra, I'm actually surprised it took him this long to start smoking. I mean xenophobic ponies, immeasurable stupid guards and officers, a crap ton killing attempts, some cultist filly and war. He lasted a lot longer than most would before getting something to get rid of stress.
9785835
yes
Loose grip on the strings then. Also have to wonder if the tranq round would have done any better.
“Luna, how many have you had today?” I ask in concern.
“... Five twenty,” she says confidently. I just stare at her as I try to process that.
We were this close to greatness. This close.
wow now that was intense and sweet and funny
9785835
Probably the old timey thing.
I think she meant to say 25, but she is just so out of it right now.
Poor bastard just can't go ten chapters without getting exploded, can he?
9786276
Heheheh
You’ll never know
They awoke the sleeping giant
I don't know if this had been said before, but I think page breaks in between time skips.
Something in between these two paragraphs would work.
But other than that this chapter was good!
This part I don't quite get. So Griffonstone turns out to have in its territory particularly large amounts of rare resources? I suppose that's what they were fussing about with the cart near the start. I was thinking it was just a bunch of people being obtuse idiots. I guess this means they've come out of the terrible depression period the were in during canon.
At the end I was a bit mystified at why Anon and Whiskey May were living together, or a couple at all, until I saw that you had edited the one chapter again. I have to say that's a much more satisfactory outcome. You probably weren't considering their relationship a major part of the plot, but with her being the one persistant character with the closest relationship with him, her doing an about-face like she did in previous versions of the story made everyone felt out of character. Others may not care about doing right by him, but she does. That's why I like that you went and changed it even if it wasn't an important detail to the plot, because it was an important thing to the characters. Even if it didn't have a fairytale ending they both came together and worked it out instead of one disregarding the other. Honestly at this point Whiskey May is my favorite character.
I still think the princesses are all heartless, though, but they don't matter really.
9786299
Evil bastard.
Drunk Luna? "Huzzah! The fun has been doubled! My vision also!"
Very intense chapter. I really hope the war will come to an end...
That's the thing about want-to-be's, wild range weapon handling Cowboys. They never aim for the head!
9785769
Huh neat
I swear if you-
No please don't do this...
You have no idea what you're getting yourself into.
And now I'm in tears. Poor Whisk. She's gotta watch this happen.
I'm sorry I know this isn't supposed to be the main focus of this chapter but seeing this happen is far worse then anything else I've read in the entire story. Unless he manages to stop himself he'll spend thousands of dollars on a flat out stupid vice that will end up killing him. With everything else I can stay reasonably sure that he'll come out of it ok in the end. But not this.
9787602
Okay, look. He’s not going to die because of smoking. Now, let me be clear, I DO NOT CONDONE SMOKING IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM. I understand smoking is bad for you and the people around you. I myself, do not smoke. However, this is a fictional story. I’m not going to say he’ll be completely fine from it, but he’s not going to die by smoking.
9788445
Smoking fits for him - in fact, I was wondering why he didn't have the vice to begin with.
Also, I'm a smoker - and I've noticed that since the new (well, now old) regulations came in, everyone's been holding back on smoking in media - it's like there's been one title/movie/series with a smoking character in it in the last decade combined, when it used to be in every other movie. I know smoking was "in" in the 80s (and perhaps into the 90s), but it's kinda fun to see a character not give enough shits. It was sad w/o them, and I cherish each time I see it happen.
Aside:
Yeah, yeah, it'll kill me - or perhaps not. Nobody really fucking knows, you know? Statistics can tell you how likely you are to be in that group, but it won't tell if you actually are in that group. Bill Hicks died from cancer - sure, pancreatic cancer, though. And you know what it says on my cig pack? "Smoking causes 90% of lung cancers." -- funny as hell, doesn't tell me anything actually. Just a big, scary number. Why did they bother even putting it up? Are they out of statistics that actually matter, or are these too low to scare anyone? (for the record, a 5% cause rate of cancer world-wide would be a major concern, but then people don't understand statistics)
YOU DON'T SUCK ON A CIGAR!!!
You let the smoke naturally fill your mouth so that you can get to enjoy its flavour, never breathe it in like it's some cheap fucking cigarette.
Here, watch this and fix it!
9865028
I personally have seen absolutely no decline in representation of smoking in media. Though I mostly browse e621, watch youtube and anime or read.
You know this whole thing has descended into absoutle freaking nonsense
I love it
9865028
The lungs can heal itself slowly. As long as you don't smoke a pack a day, smoking is totally fine. Limit yourself to one or two sticks a day.
Increased risk of cancer, maybe. IF you smoke a pack a day. Then again, if you smoke a pack a day then you probably aren't worried of having a long life anyways.
When you smoke, you inhale smoke (Oh egads what a statement). Smoke is mostly dry, won't give you wet lungs. But they have chemicals and all that crap.
Vape on the other hand, is literally inhaling liquid-turned-gas nicotined incense. Wet lungs, high risk of actual bacterial infection. And since you probably can't count vape dose like you can count cig sticks, you'll use up a lot more of them in the long run anyways.
I won't tell you to use which. I personally tried both and hated both. Although, if I have to choose, I'd rather have a smoke. Burning things that smells like bubblegum and crap is weird. If I inhale something burned to gas, I'd rather smell the incensed ash than the incensed vapour.
Well the minataurs just pulled a ww2 japan
As an avid smoker of both, I can confirm this is true. If you try and smoke a cigar like a normal cigarette, you won't like the results. Especially if it's one without a tip.
I've smoked cigars before. They are a rare treat. Cigarettes suck. I hate them.
I should be addicted but I'm not. Being fat is my biggest problem.
10025318
Here's my take on this whole comment thread, I don't really care, hear me out first, yeah smoking is bad, and it might kill you in the long run, but I doubt he cares, his job puts his life on the line almost all the time, hay he almost died this chapter, I think know that all anon really needs is someone to vent too, the wars getting to him and so he uses cigarettes as a way out, if you disagree then just respond and we can talk it out
DAMMIT ANON
10796017
Unfortunately that is how it is. I tried a cigarette once out of peer pressure and here I am 15 years later still smoking. It doesn't help that my doc doesn't believe in giving people like me the help they need to quit. He says if you really wanted to quit you would just quit.
I see everyone's talking about Anon's recent smoking habit, but not enough people are talking about Luna's drinking problem. Seriously, that shit ain't healthy on her psyche and kidney. Both of them need to find a healthy way to relax.
11316454
That's some of the stupidest stuff I've ever heard. Hope one tear later that you're doing better!