Chapter 2: Anon Gets Angry And Shit
I sigh as I walk to work with my newspaper. Today feels like a bad day already. I pass by the familiar buildings as I head to work. I lazily wave at Spearhead as I pass him. “That kind of day huh?” He asks.
“Yep,” I reply, never turning around. He shrugs and returns to guarding. See, when a bad day starts, I feel it. It’s not like a foreboding feeling or some stupid shit like that. I just feel like the day sucks from the get go. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not psychic. I don’t predict when a good or bad day happens like events such as terrorist attacks or criminal appearances. I predict that something will personally suck for today. I enter my office and sit in my chair. I look over the newspaper I brought to see if anything interesting could brighten my mood. After several minutes, I put down the news paper and call in the first entrant. “Next!”
The first entrant trots in, a normal unicorn. Except for the fact that his eyes are bloodshot and his less than graceful movement. “Woah dude! First dibs on the pass! Narly,” the obviously high unicorn says.
“... Did you take weed?” I ask incredulously.
“Yupperinos my broski. I took some weed I found in a bin, took in a couple puffs, and boom! Instant sensational bliss,” he says, giggling a little. He looks at me. “Hey, do you have anything I could munch on? I’m sick hungry bro.”
“...” I wordlessly pressed the detain button. As the baked pony stumbles around, Spearhead looks in and notices the intoxicated stallion.
“The first guy?” He asks. I nod with a bemused look. “... I am so sorry.” I shrug.
“Welcome to horseland, where ponies can be either ingenious or dumb as shit,” I simply say. Spearhead sighs deeply before taking the stallion away. I lean towards the mic. “Next!”
The next creature that comes in is a green sneezing and coughing hippogriff. Great. “I say dear fellow, the- “ he stops his British to sneeze. “The weather here is rather chilly,” he coughs a few times into his claw before using said claw to give me his papers.
“Woah woah woah,” I say. He sneezes and gives me a puzzled look. “You are going to need...” I reach down and pull out a cabinet filled with stuff. I pull out two things. Hand sanitizer, and tissues. I pull it up and offer it. “To sanitize your sickly shitty self.”
“... Brilliant! Why haven’t I thought of that?” The hippogriff asks. I pull up the box of tissues and hand them to him. “You know, I don’t know why I’m sick. I was very clean and hygienic in Yakyakinstan,” he mentions. I roll my eyes. Hippogriffs have two forms. One allows them to be in water, and the other allows them to be in the air. While many are okay with going outside of the water, not many go outside of Equestria. All they know about the outsides of Equestria, is that different creatures live everywhere. They don’t understand the temperature changes.
“Really? Do you have anything warm to wear?” The hippogriff laughs.
“Silly, I live underwater, why would I get clothes for underwater?” He asks. I face palm. Sighing, I refrain from calling him an absolute dumbass.
“You caught a cold since you were probably freezing whenever you got to Yakyakinstan. Freezing temperatures can give you illnesses. You’re lucky to be alive so far,” I say. He tilts his head.
“Why?”
“Most would have accidentally died from the below-zero-temperatures,” I say bluntly. He blanches as I look through his papers. “Welp, I recommend to go home, get some aqua-vegan-chicken-soup, and get over the cold,” I advise, handing him his papers. He nods.
“Will do. Thank you, you are quite a chap!” He exits with a runny nose, and a smile. I sigh. How could this get worse?
“Next!” I look up to see the next entrant. I sigh deeply at what I see. I just had to ask, didn’t I? Before me stands a Minotaur. Not any plain Minotaur though, a red, king Minotaur. He looks down at me, handing me his papers. The only documents I get though, are papers for diplomats. See, I’ve met Minotaurs before. They’re stupid as shit. Except Ironwill, he’s a damn good lawyer in a pinch. Minotaurs have a monarchy kinda system. There’s a king, and that’s it. Apparently this system has led to the downfall of a previous Minotaur civilization about four hundred years ago. Like I said, stupid as shit. Another fun fact about them, is that they are, ironically enough, fans of puzzle games like mazes and the stupid crossword puzzles on newspapers. I’ve met plenty of them. Strangely enough, they always either forget their passport, or never heard of them. It always pissed me off. Which reminds me... “I wanted to see you,” I say with a determined look.
“... Why would you need to see the king, ape?” The king asks with a smug look.
“What. The. FUCK. Is going on. With your country?” I ask, trying not to yell with the rage of a thousand suns. The king leans away from me and my outburst.
“Excuse me?”
“Ever heard of a passport motherfucker?!” I yell. Flashbacks of that excuse piss me off to this day. “Almost every single Minotaur has never even heard of passports! What the fuck man!?” I continue. The king does a double take, confused and surprised by my explosive personality. He quickly remembers who’s taller and growls at me.
“Watch your tone ape, I’ll-“
“I don’t give a fuck!” I yell. His eyes go wide in fear when I retaliate against him. “I had to sit through a lot of goddamn tantrums because of the fact that they didn’t know what a passport was! One dude smashed my desk! Another dude socked me in the fucking face! I don’t give a shit who the fuck you are, explain to me why the hell you assholes don’t have passports!” I yell.
“... W-well, um, see, us Minotaurs are working out other problems. Passports are the least of our worries since we normally don’t have to move anywhere. We haven’t gotten around to making passports,” he explains. I sigh, sitting down, closing my eyes and rubbing my temples.
“So, you mean to tell me, the reason you guys don’t have passports, is because you can’t find the time to make them?” I ask. He nods. I face palm so friggen hard, it hurts. “Just this once, I’ll let you through. In return, make a fucking passport center if you fucking need to.” I hand him his papers and he quickly leaves with his tail between his legs. I hear the citation machine click away until I receive a pink slip.
I got a penalty of fifty bits for scaring the red king. I simply tear it in half. I don’t give a flying fuck. Seriously, the guy is twice as big as I am, and I’m twice as big as a pony. He’s supposed to be the toughest king out of all of them. I lean towards the mic, “Next!”
The next entrant is... Princess Cadance. She freezes upon spotting me, and comically rubs her eyes with her wings.
“... Anon, is that you?” She asks.
“... Fuck you,” I simply say. She only groans in defeat.
“Why does that have to be your greeting every time I say hello?”
“Because I don’t believe in love,” I simply say. “It’s a conspiracy, and I am not letting myself become a consumer of chaos.” Cadence doesn’t even blink as she gives me a deadpan stare.
“... Right, well here’re my papers,” she says. I take her papers and look over.
“You know, funnily enough, someone’s impersonated you yesterday,” I comment. Cadence quirks an eyebrow.
“Why?”
“To get in, why else?”
“Well, I mean, why are they trying to get in?” I roll my eyes.
“I dunno, work, money, sex, I’ve seen people get in for drugs that only Equestrians have,” I reply.
“D-drugs!? W-why would anyone want to cross a border for drugs!?” Cadence asks. I scoff. I’m just going to ignore the fact that she didn’t even bat an eyelash when I mentioned sex.
“You’d be surprised. I did a bit of questioning myself, and it turns out that Equestrians tend to have the most powerful anesthetics and drugs due to how much a regular pony can take,” I explain. Cadence sighs.
“But why would anyone just want drugs? That’s horrible-“
“Cadence. Not everyone is okay with life. For some, they cope by taking stuff that relaxes them. For me, I yell at people. In any case, it looks like you’re good to go,” I say, handing her papers back.
“Very well, goodbye Anon,” Cadence says.
“Fuck you,” I reply. Cadence sighs, shaking her head as she exits. Before I lean towards the mic, she pops her head in.
“Oh, I forgot to mention, an Element of Harmony is coming in next,” she says. I shrug. I lean towards the mic as she leaves. “Next!”
The next entrant is a familiar blue pegasus with a rainbow mane. “You!?” She asks upon spotting me. I quirk an eyebrow.
“... Dipshit?” I ask. Rainbow Dash groans.
“For the last time, my name is Rainbow Dash!” She says.
“... Nah, pretty sure it’s Dipshit,” I say. Steam literally blows out of her ears as her face turns red.
“I’ll teach you to-“
“Hey, can I see your papers now? I kinda want to hurry things along.”
“Isn’t there someone more... I dunno, qualified to be here?” Rainbow asks, crossing her forelegs as she hovers in front of the window.
“Heh, sorry Skittles, I’m your only way into the country by legal means. Papers please,” I say. Rainbow huffs and hands me her paperwork.
“I bet you’ll deny me just because you want to,” she mumbles angrily. I freeze as the words reach my ears.
“Okay, hold up, why the hell would I do that?” I ask seriously.
“I dunno, maybe because you’re a jerk?” She challenges. I scoff.
“Oh please, I’m not a jerk. I’m an asshole. An asshole that does his job properly,” I correct. Rainbow rolls her eyes, and waits impatiently for me to finish. “Besides, if I deny you for no reason, a bit of my pay gets docked, not that it’ll matter. I’m rather well off compared to shitty apple bucking.”
“I seriously doubt you’re paid that much to begin with-“
“I currently have enough money to buy all of Ponyville with enough left over for an ice cream cone,” I start. I look up at her wide eyes. “The best part is, I’m not a total dick. If you think I’m lying, ask Applejack. She’s got a couple hundred bits from me as a loan.” I hand Rainbow her papers. While I’m not entirely accurate about how much I can buy, I have actually given Applejack a loan of two hundred bits. Her wagon broke apart and she needed repairs. Seeing as how she’s one of my only friends/delightful-annoyances, I decided to help. I don’t really care if she pays back, I have too much money anyway. Rainbow Dash’s face turns smug.
“You know what? I will ask her! I bet a hundred bits that you’re lying,” Rainbow Dash says with the cockiest attitude I’ve ever seen.
“Sure, whatever Dipshit,” I say as she flies off. I lean towards the mic. “Next!”
The next few hundred entrants were normal. Until this one. This entrant is a light blue unicorn with a lighter blue mane. She wear a starry cape and a nerd/wizard hat. She bursts through the door, rearing on her hind legs.
“Hello Inspector, I am the Great-“
“Oh God, another narcissistic asshole,” I say. I know the types. Very easy to spot. They’re loud, obnoxious, and demand attention whenever they can. The mare narrows her eyes at me as she stands on all fours.
“You dare speak against the Great and Powerful Trixie! I should call the guards on a filthy ape like you!” She says. I sigh. Narcissists are really fucking annoying. I simply crouch down and pick up my crossbow. I stand up and set it on the table. Trixie’s eyes go wide at the ranged weapon. I only wear a bemused expression as I point at the weapon.
“Do you see this? This is a crossbow. I have shot over fifteen terrorists, many of those shots killed them. I don’t give a damn about what you think you did was awesome. I just want to do my job. Capiché?” I ask. See, when there’s a narcissistic pony, I just have to show that I’m the fucking apex predator in the room. When a dragon or griffon’s here, I just have to yell louder. For yaks, I just have to solve a math problem. Surprisingly, Minotaurs back down easily if I just say ‘cut that shit out’. See, I don’t care if this is impolite or wrong. I just want them to shut the fuck up.
“Um, okay, the Great and Powerful Trixie will um... here are Trixie’s papers,” Trixie says. I hate it when they talk in third person. It’s so weird. Just talk in first person so that you don’t sound like an asshole. I put my crossbow away, satisfied with Trixie’s submission.
“Thank you,” I say. I grab her papers and look over them... The passport’s expiration date was two weeks ago. “... Trixie, why is this expired by two weeks?” I ask calmly.
“What!? That is a mistake! Trixie renewed it two weeks ago in the Minotaur’s country!” She says.
“Wait, the Minotaur- Are you saying you renewed your passport in a country that doesn’t have passports?” I ask. Trixie gives me a puzzled look.
“What do you mean? Trixie renewed it at a polishing store. Not only did they renew it, they also made it look new,” she says. As I process this, I slowly get more and more pissed. I look at the passport’s cover to notice how new the cover looks.
“... How old was your last passport?” I ask, keeping a calm mask.
“Trixie thinks it was about two years old,” she replies. I nod.
“Was the cover dirty?”
“Yes.”
“And when you got this back, it was shiny?”
“Yes, Trixie does not see-“
“You went to a polishing store. They thought that when you said you wanted to renew it, that you wanted to polish it up,” I say.
“... Trixie feels dumb,” Trixie says with embarrassment.
“... Yeah... you should,” I say. I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose. “You know what? Fuck it, I’ll let you pass. Just, renew it when you get the chance.”
“Trixie will renew it properly this time!” Trixie says. I give her papers back and sigh. I hear the citation machine and groan.
“I’m starting to really hate Minotaurs...”
The last entrant leaves the booth, pissed at how I called him a fatass. Why the fuck would someone compete in an eating competition right before leaving a country? I sigh as I grab whatever I needed and head out of my office. As I walk away from the office, I notice Spearhead catching up to me. “Anon, you won’t believe this,” he says. I don’t even try to look interested.
“This is literally a land of magic and friendship. Tell me whatever fucking miracle it is that I could not possibly believe at this point,” I say. Spearhead scoffs.
“How about the announcement that Princess Cadence made?” He asks. I stop.
“What announcement?”
“Anyone can come to Equestria for the sole purpose of rehabilitation now. As long as they got a rehabilitation permit,” he says. I start rubbing my temples. That stupid bitch. Anyone that comes to Equestria for rehabilitation purposes shouldn’t have to have paperwork for that kind of shit.
“This is bad,” I say. Spearhead stops and turns to me.
“Why? I thought it was good news.”
“You’re paid to think it’s good news. It’s bad news because everyone will have to either pay for unnecessary paperwork, or lie about it and say they don’t need it. Rehabilitating individuals is a broad subject, so I’ll have to detain anyone that overdoes anything. That includes anger, smoking, alcohol, work, and pretty much anything that needs either therapy or help. So, this law is not only pointless, but too vague for me to determine whether or not I’m supposed to detain people who should not be detained.”
“... Yeah, I think I see how badly this will go,” Spearhead replies as realization hits him.
“I’ve thought about it before. I’ll have to let Cadence know how bad this will end up,” I say. Spearhead sighs.
“You know the princesses Anon, if you want to prove them wrong, you’ll have to show it,” He replies. I groan.
“Of course. I’m one of the only people here with common fucking sense. Fuck me for being normal,” I say. Halfway to my house, Spearhead left when his wife came up to him to tell him his parents decided to pay a surprise visit. Good news, Spearhead will finally take a break for once. Bad news, I’ll be getting an idiot for a guard.
I head home, and watch some tv. Nothing really interested me. I ate a muffin, got my paycheck, and went to bed. At some point, I heard a faint scream of anger from Ponyville. That made me have pleasant dreams.
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Hehe.
This just makes me laugh, I love how you make him an asshole you can like.
Hey Dipshit, don't make bets with assholes. They are right more often than anyone would like.
This is a good story. But it needs more chapters.
-Ru
P.S.
The lack of chapters is the only thing I find wrong with this story.
Hilarious.
I’m starting to see that ponies don’t have common sense in their dictionary.
I. Fucking. Love. This
A Skyrim skill tree meme reference? Well played
(Old meme tho)
This story you got here is guud...real guud
I have a bad feeling about Cadance's law and not the same way Anon does
9139723
Sometimes, the oldies are besties.
I need more of this in my life! It's amazing!
9147887
I couldn't agree more my self.
More?
9176682
Zere vill be more comrade.
YES!!!!
thank you, and now the word will spread that love is a conspiracy!!!!
i do firmly believe that!
This is one of the few rude Anons that I actually feel bad for. I'm not sure how long I could do his job. Retail was bad enough.
Ummm... hippogriffs are half horse, half bird. Think griffons, but with the back end of a horse instead of a lion. Hippocampi, on the other hand, are half horse, half fish. Did you mean those when talking about hippogriffs?
9222830
Yes. They are hippogriffs. I don’t really understand the confusion.
Holy shit, not only is he rude but he knows the complications when a pointless and vague law is introduced. Bravo for creating a jackass anon that you can easily care for despite his muddy mouth.
Whose scream of anger was that at the end?
9227053
a jackass is an asshole without a purpose. This anon is clearly intelligent but jaded and cynical as expected from the archetypical construction of an anon in equestria.
9257469
Most likely Rainbow Dash finding out she lost her bet.
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/27/]The Proofreader Group
I'm a member. Or, you could get someone else. It's free.
Pay up those bits dashie! :P
9292224
He got fined 100 bits for letting two entrants in without passports. Dashie just helped him get it back with that bet
Okay...why does my comment have 11 likes?
...I never realized how much I needed this story in my life until I found it and started reading, well done
9222830
Watch the MLP movie. Hippogriffs can morph into seaponies for some reason.
9467982
Agreed, i just found this fic and its prequel this morning. Made my day fantastic.
9222830
FiM hippogriffs can turn into seaponies.
Guess Anon's getting those 200 bits
He should not visit an Asian country then, it is pretty normal to speak in 3 person over there. Never noticed i spoke in 3 person because i was so used to it.
10181086
Asian is broad. Russia is Asian, Afghanistan is Asian, Japan is Asian, Singapore is Asian.
Which Asian language are you referring to, because I'm quite interested.
10443950
While your point stands but most likely means an east aosa country. That being said... yeah I am Intrested on the specifics too
10443950
Why so many down votes
10443950
I'm Indonesian and sometimes I use 3rd person as way to politely talk to people.