Chapter 11: Diddly Do Dah Day Mother Fucker
I hold a crying Whisk in my arms, thinking about what she said. Someone closed her bar? Who? Suddenly, my thoughts went back to that couple from yesterday. I had some very dark thoughts. You know, being a passport inspector, I meet a variety of people. Some good people, some bad people, and some not-so-nice people. “... Hey Whisk,” I start. She pauses.
“Yeah?” She asks, sniffling.
“I know a mafia boss, want me to sic him on them?” I genuinely ask. Whisk looks at me with astonishment. See, when you detain a big bad boss, you just make another mob happy. Apparently, the police weren’t the only ones who wanted some dickhead thrown in jail.
“What do you mean you know a- Wait you would- Hold on,” she keeps cutting herself off, not sure what to ask first. “... How do you know a mafia?” She asks rather calmly.
“Well, I accidentally placed them into power. Their boss was being threatened by this other dude, and I detained that other dude because he tried to bribe me. So, yeah, I kinda became their best friend on accident,” I say. Whisk takes a deep breath in. Then, she lets it out.
“Okay, Anon, please don’t call the mafia on them,” she says. I sigh.
“Alright, I guess I won’t,” I concede. Whisk giggles.
“I am happy that you’d do that though, I guess,” she says. I smirk.
“Eh, when someone messes with any of my friends, I’ll try to help,” I say. I see her smile lessen a bit, but she’s calmer nonetheless. I rub her head. She leans into my hand a little, her smile returning. “Do you feel better?” I ask. She nods. “Good, can you get off, your cat claws are starting to hurt,” I casually request. She quirks an eyebrow before looking at her back lion paws. Yep. Claws out. She retracts her claws and gets off me with a nervous smile as she sits to my left.
“Sorry,” she says. I shrug.
“It’s okay. I’ve felt worse,” I say. She tilts her head.
“How?” She asks.
“Bag of gold kept hitting my nads,” I explain. Whisk grimaces.
“That sounds painful,” she says. I nod.
“When a man’s balls are hit, you gotta sit down. If you don’t, you’re in for a world of absolute pain, and then you’ll fall over,” I say. Whisk giggles at my description. She looks at me with a smile, but frowns as she remembers why she was upset in the first place.
“I’m sorry about... the outburst, but you cannot imagine how pissed I am,” she says tiredly. It seems my lingo is rubbing off on her. I sigh.
“Explain to me what happened,” I say. Whisk sighs and looks up in thought.
“Well, after you left, I gave everyone a free round for sticking with me through the past couple of years. Then, one of them had to go to the hospital for alcohol poisoning. It was a pony,” she starts. Her expression morphs into anger. “Apparently, word spread around, and when those Celestia damn assholes came in, they pressed charges for that pony!” She yells. I quirk an eyebrow.
“For the pony?” I press. Whisk nods.
“The pony apparently knocked himself into a coma. So, they decided to press charges for him,” she explains. I am so fucking confused.
“Wait, so, without verbal or written permission, they charged you, for him?” I ask, trying to wrap my head around it. Whisk nods. “... Are they his parents?” I ask. Whisk shakes her head.
“Not even relatives,” she says. I slowly face palm.
“... You know, I’m really not sure if that’s legal,” I point out.
“It isn’t,” Whisk confirms. Dafuq?
“So... how did they close your bar?” I ask.
“They lied and said they were relatives,” she explains. Welp. That makes sense.
“Alright, so you’re telling me they can close down your bar without a trial?” I ask. Whisk shakes her head.
“No, they closed it temporarily. They’re hoping to close it permanently,” Whisk says with a scowl. I sigh.
“Well, that’s bullshit,” I say. Whisk nods, looking pissed. “So, when is the trial?” I ask. She sighs.
“In a week and a half,” she says. “My rent’s due in two days. I barely have enough to pay it! I-I can’t-“ Whisk goes on, rising in volume as she gets more and more panicked. As her panicking starts to turn into something that sounds like absolute gibberish that I can’t follow, I grab her talons, and that makes her stop.
“Calm down, it’ll be okay-“ Whisk shrugs off my grip, and grabs my shoulders, shaking me.
“No it won’t!” Whisk yells. I grab her forelegs/arms, and keep her still. I look her in the eyes. She stares back, surprised by my man/griffon-handling.
“Yes it will,” I confidently say. She stares back at me, with tears in her eyes, in silence. I silently keep my stare on her. I see realization in her eyes before she slowly closes them, and leans her head forward towards me. I know exactly what she wants. Thing is, she hasn’t told me she loves me. Sooooo...
I completely avoid her face and leaned in to hug her.
Truth be told, I kinda wanted to lean in for the kiss as well, but I’m not really sure if I want this. I mean, the last girlfriend I had took some of my shit and threw it into the ocean. Granted, it was, in fact, partially justified, but I still don’t think it was fair since I only insulted one of her bitchy friends.
Whisk gives a short squawk at first, but relaxes as she realizes I’m hugging her. “Dammit,” she mutters under her breathe. I stop myself from laughing before I lean back, releasing her from my hug. “It’ll be fine Whisk. I promise,” I say. She looks at me with a trace of doubt, but nods.
“Alright. I’ll hold you to that promise,” she warns. I shrug.
“Fine.” Whisk looks at my eyes for a moment before smiling.
“Thank you,” she says. She looks up in thought. “Now, the question is, what will I do until the trial?”
“Get a lawyer?” I offer. She deadpans at me.
“Really? Gee, I was thinking of cracking open the booze for a celebration for New Years with empty pockets,” she says sarcastically. I smirk.
“But it’s November,” I point out like a smart ass. Whisk face palms.
“I meant to earn money!” She says exasperatedly. I shrug again.
“I got shit tons of money. If you want, I can pay your rent for you,” I offer. She sighs.
“No, I don’t want to accept charity,” she says, crossing her forelegs. I roll my eyes.
“I literally have enough money to go buy Ponyville, and at least some parts of Manehatten. I’m paid way too fucking much,” I point out. Whisk gives me a stern look.
“It is your money. I am not going to take your money just because-“
“You’ll have nowhere to live and you always eat take out despite being a really good cook?” I finish with a quirked eyebrow. Whisk narrows her eyes at me.
“...” She blushes a little before looking away. “Yes. That.”
“Look, I’m perfectly capable of paying for your rent. It’s not like I’ll do much else with my money,” I say. She sighs, and slumps. “... Why are you so stubborn about taking my money?” I ask.
“It’s just... I realize griffons are a little greedy by nature, and I’m a little self-conscious about that. I’m especially conscious about it around... you,” Whisk explains, blushing a little more.
“... Okay, do you remember where I come from?” I ask. She looks at me with an inquisitive look.
“Another world right?” She asks. I nod.
“Yes, but more specifically, I come from a country called America,” I explain. “My country was said to be ‘founded by thieves’. It’s kind of literal.”
“Wha- Really?” Whisk asks. I nod.
“America was an ‘experimental country’, if you will. You could start out poor, but you could become a billionaire with an absolute shit ton of hard work. The downside, is that practically everyone can screw you over for money if they play their cards right. It has a mostly–capitalist mindset,” I say. Whisk looks at me with confusion.
“So, why are you telling me this?” She asks. I shrug.
“I dunno. I thought that it would make you a bit more comfortable or some shit,” I kinda lie. I can see Whisk’s bullshit meter is going off as she looks at me with suspicion.
“Uh huh,” she says.
“Fine. I thought that if I told you my people were greedy bastards, you would feel fine about me giving you money,” I explain. Whisk looks at me with the most confused expression.
“... That... actually... makes... sense...” she says slowly, sounding like she cannot believe my bullshit actually makes sense for once. “Well... in any case, I’m still not taking your money anyway. It’s not right,” she stubbornly says. I just give her an unamused stare. I sigh internally, I’m gonna have to deal with her like I deal with Applejack.
“Fine, I can’t force you to take money,” I concede. Whisk grows a smug look of victory, as if she knows she’s always right. “Now, how are you going to earn that amount of money?” I ask seriously. She frowns and hums in thought.
“... I could pawn off some stuff from my apartment?” She offers. I groan.
“Oh God no, barely anything in your apartment is economically worth much to begin with. Second of all, the pawn shops here are really fucking silly,” I say. Whisk quirks an eyebrow.
“How would you know?” She asks. I smirk.
“I go there every once in a while to buy goofy shit,” I admit. Whisk face palms.
“Okay, define ‘goofy’.”
“Let’s see, I’ve bought a watermelon catapult, a glorified vacuum cleaner, an evil book thing, a weird ass snow-globe, and some skelly keys,” I list off. Whisk looks at me with confusion.
“... Anon, none of these items sound... what’s the word?” She asks.
“... Reasonable to have?” I offer. Whisk nods.
“I don’t even know what a skelly is,” she says, shaking her head.
“Short for skeleton.”
“Wait, you have a skeleton key?”
“Yep.”
“H-how... Where did you even find it?” Whisk asks. I shrug.
“Saw it in a pawnshop and thought, ‘fuck it,’” I explain. Whisk stares at me before sighing.
“Same thing with the evil book?” She asks. I nod.
We talked some more before deciding to search for a job for her together tomorrow. In the meantime, Whisk is going to try to persuade her landlord to hold off for now. Once we went over the plan to search around for jobs, we said our goodbyes for the night. I sigh as I close my door. Only to hear knocking. I open the door again to see a blushing Whisk. “... Need me to walk you home again?” I ask. She nods silently. While I don’t always walk her home, she tends to ask me if I could every other week ever since the first time I did. I think she likes it. I internally sigh. As tired as I am, I can’t really say no for some reason. “Fine,” I say. She smiles widely, pumping a fist in victory. I have to smile at the action as I lock up my door.
We walk through the city of Manehatten, seeing many strangers, clubs, and stores. To pass the time as we walk, we converse about whatever the fuck we want. “... And the blue print said, ‘Your machine sucks ass, are you okay with this?’” Whisk giggles.
“That sounds like a funny game!” She responds.
“It is. It was made by the same dude who made a game called Undertale. Pretty neat game,” I say. As we conversed, two familiar ponies walk up from behind.
“Hiya Anon!” A southern voice calls.
“Do we have to say hi? He’s still a jerk,” a raspy voice mutters. I roll my eyes and turn around to see one smiling Applejack, and one bored horse-shaped pack of skittles. Whisk turns to look at the two ponies, and face claws.
“Oh great, more ponies,” she mutters. Oh right. I forgot. I never introduced her to my pony friends. Applejack quirks an eyebrow at her, while Rainbow Dash quickly got angry.
“What? You got something against ponies?” Rainbow presses. I know Whisk. When someone challenges or corners her, she gets pissed. I look over at Whisk to see her feathers starting to ruffle.
“Oh good lord, calm the fuck down everyone,” I groan. Whisk looks at me with a slight amount of shock. “Whisk, this is my friend Applejack,” I say, gesturing to my orange companion. “She’s nice.” Applejack smiles with uncertainty. I turn my attention to Rainbow. “This is my dipshit-acquaintance, Skittles,” I finish. Rainbow rolls her eyes. “She’s the angry one,” I add. Whisk looks at Applejack. She turns back to me.
“You know them?” She asks. I nod. She looks at the now confused ponies. She stares at them intensely before looking back to me. “Are they alright?” She asks. I give a ‘so-so’ gesture.
“Eh,” I respond. I point to Rainbow. “I wasn’t kidding when I said she’s the angry one,” I comment. Whisk looks back at the ponies who are still looking at us in confusion.
“...” At Whisk’s silence, I lean over.
“They’re good ponies,” I sincerely say. She looks at them one last time before offering a claw.
“Sorry about my comment,” she sincerely says. She smiles sheepishly. “My name’s Whiskey.” I see Rainbow’s ears perk up a little at the sound of her name. Applejack smiles.
“Well don’t fret at all sugarcube, I’m just glad Anon finally got a marefriend,” she says. I see Whisk freeze up at the mention of marefriend. Rainbow also notices this reaction and snickers. Applejack is back to confusion.
“AJ, we’re not a couple,” I point out. Applejack looks between us with surprise. Whisk is still frozen, mid-handshake, but has a growing blush on her face.
“Really? I could have sworn she was the one dragging’ you to a movie or something,” she says.
“Oh, she is,” I confirm. Applejack quirks a brow.
“... So, do ponies just drag you around, where you’re from?” She asks. Rainbow’s trying not to laugh at the tomato-faced Whisk, who’s still frozen. This is the worst case of ‘deer in headlights’ I’ve ever seen.
“Eh. Kinda yes, kinda no. Just depends on the culture,” I reply. I lean towards Whisk and pat her head, snapping her out of her trance. She looks at me with wide eyes, and a red face. “Hey, we’re about to move, you okay?” I ask. She just nods, apparently unable to speak. This is anime as fuck. Applejack and I talk to each other as Whisk guides us to her apartment. Rainbow keeps snickering when she looks at me and Whisk.
Then, suddenly...
“Anon and Whisk-ey~” Rainbow chants. I roll my eyes. “Sittin’ in a tree!” Rainbow flies up, waving her hooves in the rythem of the chant. “K-I-S, I-N-G!” She finishes. While Whisk is pissed off, blushing, and glaring at Rainbow, I shake my head.
“Dipshit, you sound like a five year old. Not only was that childish, but you misspelled ‘kissing’,” comment dryly. Applejack and Whisk burst into laughter at this revelation. Rainbow stammers and blushes in embarrassment.
“W-well, I-I, um...” Rainbow settles down behind us, walking behind the group as she searches for a comeback. I roll my eyes, and slightly smirk. You know? I wonder if Whisk will kiss me. Wait, how would that work? The image of a beak pecking my face with kisses makes me cringe a little. Aren’t beaks like bones or something? Then again, Whisk is able to form smiles and frowns with her beak, so maybe bullshit-physics comes into play?
We all talked as we went along, until we had to part ways. The ponies wave us off as they go searching for a hotel to stay in. Whisk hugs me as thanks before going into her apartment building. I sigh as she disappears from my sight, and turn around to walk back. Only to find a couple of ponies glaring at me. It’s the couple who were kicked out from the bar. “So, you’re the hoomahn she cares about so damn much,” the female pony says. The male pony snickers.
“... Oh, I remember you two,” I say. They both keep their stare. “You’re dipshit one and two,” I continue, as if hitting a revelation. They frown.
“You better watch your tone, or there’ll be trouble,“ The female says.
“Oh really?” I ask. The guy starts trotting up to me.
“Yeah! Big trouble,” he says with the stupidest voice I’ve ever heard. It’s the kind of voice that lets you know whoever’s talking is an idiot.
“Shut it Reggie!” She barks. She yanks the poor guy back by his tail. I simply put my hands into my pockets. “Remember what I said? Don’t talk unless I tell ya to!” She orders. I start thinking about the situation I’m in. I could annoy the hell out of them right now, or better yet, I could put in a couple of death threats. Of course, I would be bluffing if I threatened them. No, that wouldn’t do, these two are noble-like right? So, if they say something against me, rich people would get other rich people to back them up. I only have two friends in high places, and they probably don’t have time for my bullshit. A metaphorical lightbulb appears as I have an idea. The female pony seems to act all entitled. The guy seems to be stupid... Fuck it. I’ll just say one thing before walking away. If they’re as snobby as they’ve been acting, one insult of mine will light a fuse...
“... You sound like a bitch,” I casually say as I start walking by nonchalantly. The mare gasps and looks at her husband. Who is staring off into space apparently.
“... Well aren’t you gonna do something!?” The mare yells at her companion. The husband snaps out of his trance and looks at her in confusion.
“Wha- but-“
“I am a mare! You are my husband! You’re supposed to beat up whoever calls me-“ It’s at this point, I stop giving a fuck about their problems as I just calmly walk away as they bicker. I walk down the sidewalk, hearing the yells of the couple fade as I walk farther and farther away.
I returned home, and had just sat down on the couch when I hear knocking on my door. I groan. “Who is it!?” I yell from my couch.
“Anon! You won’t believe what happened!” I hear Whisk yell from outside. She sounds rather excited. I sigh and get up to answer the door. Once I open the door, the familiar, female griffon launches into my chest with open arms. I fall back from the sudden impact of fluff, and look up at the sparkling eyes of a happy griffon.
“What?” I deadpan.
“You know the ponies who sued me?” She asks quietly. I lean in.
“Yeah?” I say.
“They were arguing loudly right outside of my apartment building, and when my landlord came out, one of the ponies punched him,” she says. My eyebrows raise. Shit. That worked out better than I thought. Suddenly, a flash of yellow light appears to our left.
“... Is this a bad time?” I hear Celestia ask coyly. Whisk looks up and practically turns into a ghost. She jumps off of me and quickly bows.
“Hey Sunny Ass D,” I greet, getting up. I turn to see Celestia face hoof, and sigh.
“Anon, I am a princess. Could you, at the very least, show a little respect?” Celestia asks. I shrug.
“I kinda figure you’d like it,” I say. Celestia chuckles.
“I don’t like being formal, that’s true, but that doesn’t mean you should casually insult me,” Celestia says sternly. Celestia looks at Whisk to see her keeping her bowing stance, which makes Celestia sigh quietly. “Rise my little griffon.” Whisk does so, though uncertainly. “I do apologize for intruding though, but I have heard the news of something urgent. I believe it has something to do with a certain griffon?” Celestia asks, nudging Whisk. She looks at Celestia in confusion. I roll my eyes.
“Whisk, you made best buds with the lunar princess, and if the moonbutt’s happy, so is the Sunbutt,” I explain. Whisk gives me a glare every time I use a childish nickname.
“Yes Anon, that is quite right. Ever since Luna started going out on Sundays with Anon, she’s been having better days,” Celestia explains. “It amazed me that she became even more social in under a year, and when I learned that it was because of you, Anon-“
“Nope, not me.” Celestia stops and looks at me inquisitively. “Whisk’s the one who’s been introducing Luna to ponies and other creatures,” I explain. Whisk rubs the back of her neck awkwardly, blushing.
“Oh, keep going,” she says, smiling. Celestia giggles before turning the serious-mode back on.
“I heard that certain ponies have closed your bar,” she says. It’s my turn for confusion.
“Okay, hold up, where the fuck did you hear that?” I ask. “I haven’t written a letter to you, and I certainly haven’t told Luna.”
“When one thinks their family’s accomplishments are big news, they brag,” Celestia explains. “And apparently, one of the noble-ponies in Canterlot had their family members plan out a ‘legality-type takedown’, as he puts it,” she continues. “Thus, I decided to investigate.” She turns to Whisk. “I can reopen your bar, and I’ll see to it that the noble’s shameful actions are brought to light. However, first I would need a recent negative action they have taken to be able to have any ground,” Celestia says. I raise my hand.
“Does it count if they punched someone?” I ask. Celestia nods, though with a quirked eyebrow.
“One of the ponies punched my landlord,” Whisk says. Celestia looks at us with wide eyes before glaring at me.
“Did you have something to do with it?” She asks with suspicion.
“I called one of them a bitch,” I deadpan. Celestia takes a deep breath in, and a deep breath out.
“Anon, I’m just... I’m not even sure if I’m surprised that you somehow made them punch someone just by using your words,” Celestia says, face hoofing.
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Heh. Enjoyed this one... leave it to Anon to inadvertently help fix the problem. Wondered when Sunbutt or Moonbutt would get involved, given Whisk's connection.
Behold! The power of Assholery!
It could be strange to mention it at this point, but I would have loved Lunanon more than Whiskanon, but still, awesome story. And while he may be an asshole to most of the entrants, he is super nice and caring outside work.
Use Your words, Dont use fists,
Oh...
You are a ledgend
Should be "sic" (him on) them
Bitch apparently has him to well trained.
That last line, it had me laughing hard. I needed that stress relief, exams are stressful.
I'm sorry, I couldn't really focus much on the chapter though to anon having contacts with the fucking mafia. At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he personally knows cthulhu himself.
...he does doesn't he?
I would upvote again just for that last paragraph.
Iz goot m8 👍
Does this mean that Anon was summoned here when Deltarune was released?
9327788
Oh they drank together once.
*groan* just peck his face already, Whisk. It'll give him another reason to curse, and you know he loves that. It's practically an engagement gift. Win-win.
Ahem. I still hate 'Anon' protagonists. You keep making me love this 'Anon'.
Many chuckles and there's even an evil book to sic on Purple Smart, lol.
"‘Your machine sucks ass, are you okay with this?" I literally came from reading a Deltarune fic on AO3 and I find this.
9333998
It Follows
XDD Oh yeah those snobby elites wont know whatll hit them. Whisk and anon are so adorable though.
So that's how you're going to input me into this story?
Didn’t they close the bar without legal justification? Pretty sure that was good enough reason to nail them. What about the other establishments those two dumbasses closed?
9441596
She needs something recent to begin the investigation. Probable cause to seach for evidence. Remember, knowing isnt good enough, you have to prove it.
IS THAT WHERE MY NECRONOMICON WENT?
GIVE IT BACK YOU ASSHOLE.
9774430
You would not believe how many Summonings I went through to get that fucker. I didn't know you could even call upon that many Shoggoths!
I'm sorry, but I like Whiskey better than Whisk.
Epic
9784301
FUCK THE SHOGGOTHS, I NEED THAT BACK BEFORE SOMEONE SUMMONS JADEN.
10522078
i understand nothing.
and im okay with that
Anon master of bitch-fu
ok ahora me interesa, Amo Undertale y pienso jugar Deltarune ahora que salio el ch2, asi que dime, como se llama ese juego?
Anon should've told Celestia something like "I wasn't even there. So this was all them." or something like that.
friends , FRIENDS!??, Even a virgin like me can pull something to avoid the friendzone!
Oh god, But meh there is still a chance i guess