Chapter 3: Effin’ Princess...
I wake up, hearing my alarm clock. Fricken Wednesdays. I don’t like Wednesdays. They’re always long. Today is gonna be a looong day. I sigh, getting up and walking to my closet. After changing clothes, I sit on my couch to watch early morning news. A knock on the front door, however, stops me. I quirk an eyebrow as I get up to answer the door. Who the hell would be visiting me this morning? I open the door to find a fuming pack of skittles. “I hate you,” she says plainly, holding out a bag of bits. I look at the bag with confusion before it clicks.
“The bet yesterday? You do know that I forfeited last night right?” I lie. She gives me a look of confusion. I walk to my room, grab a couple bags of bits, and walk back. “Here you go. I lost,” I say. I toss the bags of bits at her and she catches them. She looks at the money in utter confusion.
“Wait, but-“
“See ya later dipshit,” I say before shutting the door. Hopefully she’ll fuck off now.
The office is nice and cold today. I like it when it’s cold. It kinda gives it a sort of completion. When I entered my office, I didn’t see the substitute guard. Either the guy slept in or- my thought process is interrupted by three knocks on my door. I bet that’s him. I get up and open the door to see a saluting guard pony. “Glory to Equestria, Sir!” He yells. I had to cover my ears from his voice. Great, another enthusiast. Enthusiasts are tricky to deal with. You don’t want to completely destroy their dreams, but they’re annoying as hell. I, on the other hand, don’t give a shit. I sigh.
“Can you keep it down? It’s too early for that shit,” I say. He shrinks back with shock. One day, Ponies will learn that I will swear and it shouldn’t be surprising.
“... Sir, did you-“
“Yep. I cussed. Whoopdee-fucking-doo.”
“... Isn’t it a violation to cuss?”
“Yes.”
“... And you’re completely fine with it?”
“Yep.” The guard squints at me.
“Are you really the Passport Inspector?” He asks. I roll my eyes.
“The literally one and only human on the entire damn planet that is competent enough to do my job as well as I have. You tell me,” I say. His face changes to confusion.
“I kinda expected you to be... better,” he states. I grimace.
“Listen, there are ponies who are extremely professional, do everything right, and never do anything meaningful. Then, there are ponies who would mistake the keys to their house with a pair of scissors, and yet they are utter geniuses. Just because I cuss and act unprofessional, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to do my job,” I say. At this rate of life lessons, I can’t wait to go get beer this weekend. I only have to survive a few more days. The guard sighs and shrugs. He walks back to his post in deep thought. I put my attention on the letter that’s on my desk. Now that introductions were out of the way. I take it and open it to find Celestia’s handwriting.
‘Dear Anon
I would like to inform you that a new law has been passed. Anyone in need of therapy or rehabilitation, will need documentation and a permit. If you see anyone in desperate need of such services, deny them. DO. NOT. DETAIN. THEM.
I smirk at that bit. Celly’s learning!
Furthermore, I request that you do not handle arrogent- terrible- stupid- inexperienced leaders or rulers in your usual, notable, and off-putting way. I do, however, request you show the representative of Yakyakinstan around Canterlot on Sunday morning, as they specifically requested you and declined my more respectable ponies. Do not fret, my sister shall accompany you to the nearest bar after the event is done.
I wish good health,
Princess Celestia.
PS- please refrain from tearing Equestria’s reputation down in front of the yaks. ’
Great. I sigh and call in the first creature. “Next!”
A white stallion unicorn with blue hair walks in. Shit. Princess Bitch’s brother, Shining Armor. He sees me and glares. He walks up silently.
“Papers please,” I say. He shoves his papers into my hand with a huff. I roll my eyes. “Look asshole, I don’t care what military or political position you have, your sister was a bitch,” I state. He gives me a smug look.
“I can report you for your vulgar language,” he says. I shrug and hand him a pen and paper from under my desk. He looks at it with confusion.
“Go ahead. Write them a letter,” I challenge. He eyes me as he takes the pen and writes out his complaint on paper. Once he finishes, he uses his magic to send the letter. As I check Shining’s papers, his response appears. He opens the letter and scans through. He growls to himself and shows me the letter.
“Is this a joke!?” He asks. I look at the letter and read out loud.
“Dear Shining Armor. While we are understanding of your situation, we are not in a position to complain about his wording. He is the least of anyone’s problems. While vulgar language is an inconvenience, he is the best at his job. No other pony or creature on Equis is able to do just as well as him,” I read. “Furthermore, I request that you do not even mention him as a problem ever again, as he should be the least of your problems as well. Sincerely, Princess Celestia. Damn dude, you got a cold shoulder and a bitch slap,” I say. Shining looks fucking furious.
“How can you do a good job if you can’t even follow one of the simplest of rules!?” He yells. I quirk an eyebrow.
“I dunno, how can you forget to invite your sister to your wedding,” I hold up one finger. “Never realize your wife was acting like a schizophrenic,” I hold up another finger. “Never stopped to think your sister might have a reason to act like she did,” I hold up another finger. “Aaaand told someone, who doesn’t like keeping secrets, a secret that you should’ve told your sister first,” I held up my pinkie. Shining’s fuming. “Should I go on, or do you already feel like an ass?” I ask, leaving my middle finger up. I was in Ponyville, babysitting Derpy’s kid during the wedding, and Applejack had told me what all happened afterwards when she came back. Even she felt bad and stupid when she looked back on it. I start to give his papers the green stamp, but stop when I realize his face is red. “Oof, you look angry. Do you have any rehabilitation papers?” He stamps a hoof down. I think he cracked the desk.
“WHY THE BUCK DO I NEED ANY REHABILITATION PAPERS!?!?” He yells in fury.
“Well, some ponies tend to have unreasonable anger issues,” I say condescendingly.
“I AM NOT ANGRY-“
“You need anger management classes,” I say, giving his papers a red stamp. He yells in frustration.
“WHY AM I GETTING A BUCKING RED STAMP!?!?”
“New law. Ask your wife about it,” I say, trying my best to not laugh at the unexpected events. Shining Armor stomps out angrily, allowing me to laugh out loud. Once I calm down, I call in the next creature. “Next!”
The door opens to reveal a white, buff as fuck pegasus with the tiniest pair of wings I’ve ever seen. I quirk an eyebrow as he enters. “YEAH!!!” He yells. He hands me his papers.
“... Yeah?” I ask. Buffbro nods fiercely.
“Yeah!” He says. I look at his papers. All good. I look up.
“Rehabilitation?” I ask. He hands me his rehab papers. He needs to be rehabilitated for drug usage. “Hm, yeah,” I simply say. I give him a green stamp and hand his papers back.
“YEEEAAAAAAHHHH!!!!” He yells.
“Hell yeah!” I yell, getting into the spirit of it.
“YEAH!!!” He yells before leaving. I chuckle.
“... Yeah,” I say quietly. I lean towards the mic. “Next!”
The next creature to walk in is a brown griffon. With a big coat. “What is it with griffons wearing coats that suicide bombers wear?” I ask. The griffon’s expression is unamused as he wordlessly gives me his papers. While I look over them, he begins speaking.
“You are, quite honestly, the most underwhelming thing I’ve seen in my entire life.” I look up at him and shrug.
“Good enough for me.” I go back to looking over papers.
“Ponies and moose call you barbaric,” he continues. I nod. “The griffons call you short tempered.”
“That sounds about right.”
“The Minotaurs call you scary.”
“Hell yeah they should.”
“The hippogriffs and yaks, for some reason, say you’re one of the nicest creatures they’ve met.” I stop and slowly look up at him.
“Excuse me?” I ask.
“Exactly! They all have a somewhat different picture of you, each with their own exaggerated view. How is it that all these statements are about you?”
“No, I mean the nice bit. Why the hell do they think I’m nice? I cussed and taunted them just as much as I do with everyone else,” I say. The griffon quirks an eyebrow.
“Really? That’s what you’re wondering about?”
“Yes.”
“... You are an amusing creature indeed,” he genuinely says with a smile.
“Yep. Now, get your shit and get out,” I say, handing him his green stamped passport.
The rest of the day goes by smoothly. Smoothly as in, I denied many, many angry creatures. They didn’t have the rehabilitation papers. As my shift ended, I was about to yell over to the new guy to see if he was interested in playing poker, but instead, I see a bright flash. Then, an angry pink princess. I smirk when I see her. “Yo, whaddup?” I ask casually. I take a quick glance around to see that I’m at the Crystal Empire’s castle. Specifically, the throne room. The walls are crystal, the window glass is crystal, the floor is crystal, and the rugs? They’re crystal too. Wanna know what the chandelier was made of? It’s made of wood you assuming piece of shit. They couldn’t make everything crystal, it would be stupid.
“What. The. Buck.” Cadence strains, trying not to unleash her fury and wrath on me.
“Well, when two ponies love each other very much-“
“ANSWER THE BUCKING QUESTION!!!” She shrieks.
“Which is?” I ask calmly.
“Why was my husband denied today?”
“He has anger issues.”
“And that’s a reason to deny him because?”
“He needed rehabilitation papers. It is technically illegal to not have rehab papers when you need rehab.”
“Since when!?”
“Yesterday,” I say, as if it was an obvious fact. “Since the stupid, vague, and technically personally intrusive law came out, it applied to anything that would need rehabilitation.”
“Explain to me why it’s stupid and intrusive,” Cadence demands.
“Easy. It’s stupid because no one should have to have it. In a way, it’s like telegraphing your personal issues for the whole world to see. Now, can you please teleport me back to my house,” I say. Cadence puts her face in her hooves, breathing in and out slowly. I can practically hear her trying to convince herself that murdering me isn’t worth it. She looks at me. After a couple of moments, she smirks.
“You’ll have to walk home,” she says smugly. “As punishment for-“
“Okay,” I say. I spin around and start walking. Cadence blinks in surprise and squints her eyes at me.
"What is he planning?" She asks herself.
1 Day Later
I look out the window as the train I’m riding in rocks back and forth. It’s a long train ride, which surprises me. I figured that we’d be a lot closer to Canterlot at least, but instead it had taken most of yesterday and we’re finally going to arrive at Canterlot in half an hour. We stopped by a couple developing towns, picking up many different creatures. Currently, five creatures sit in the train car with me. Two adult ponies, a kid griffon, a hippogriff, and a crystal pony. The kid came in about an hour ago. On a scale of Eh to suspicious, this kid is about midway. He keeps staring at me, curiosity written plainly on his face. I look over to see if he’s still staring, but he’s actually walking up. Great. He leaps into the seat beside me and looks up at me. I quirk an eyebrow. “What?” I ask.
“Pardon my rudeness, but what are you?” He asks. I roll my eyes.
“I’m a human. Probably the only one in the world.”
“... Are you an inspector?” He asks. I smirk.
“What made you get that idea?”
“Well, you have a hat that officials at Griffonstone wear, your uniform is nice and clean, and I notice that you keep eyeing everything.” My eyes widen. This is the most observant griffon I’ve met. I chuckle.
“You’re right. I’m a passport inspector at Equestrian Border Checkpoint.” The little griffon’s eyes open wide as he gasps in excitement. Oh crap.
“Did you let my dad go through last month!?” He asks. I quirk an eyebrow.
“... I don’t know. What does he look like?” I inquire. The kid sits on his hunches and scratches his chin/lower-beak.
“Well, he’s probably about half your size, has brown and white feathers with a red crest, and he has a funny accent that a few ponies have up north. Oh, and he’s super nice!” He describes. I look at him blankly before I get a sudden flashback.
“... Canadian Bacon?” I ask. The kid jumps up and down in excitement.
“That’s my dad!” He says excitedly. I remember Canadian Bacon. I feel a little relieved as I look at the kid.
December 24, 20XX
I lean towards the mic. “Next!” I say. God, what I’d do for a few gallons of whiskey right now. The next creature to enter the Checkpoint is another griffon. Great. I’ve figure out by now that griffons were mostly assholes. This griffon is white and brown, red accents and a crest. He’s also got the biggest fucking smile ever. “Oh great, another ass,” I mutter.
“I’m not a donkey, I’m a griffon,” he says cheerfully. I quirk an eyebrow. Is that a Canadian accent? It’s been a while since I’ve heard such an accent. He hands me his papers. “Boy, it’s been a great day!” He continues.
“If you get happier, I might just puke,” I comment. His face changes to concern as I wordlessly inspect his passport. I doubt I’d be able to get under his skin. Taking a quick glance at him, he looks like he’s about to talk. Five bits says he’ll ask what I am and shit.
“... How’s your day?” He asks. I freeze as the question hits me. I look at him with a confusion.
“What?”
“I was wondering how your day was, that’s all,” he says sincerely. Silence ensues as I try to find a response. The griffon merely patiently waits.
“... I guess it could be better,” I reply honestly.
“Really? Why?” I look at his face closely, trying to find any malice in his features. Seeing none, I sigh and decide that talking would be good for me.
“Well, I was trying to calm this one dude down from a tantrum earlier. He didn’t have a passport, and I had to deny him. He got all fucking pissy and tried to grab me. He screamed at me, saying I was a worthless creature that just so happens to do a job well enough. It... it kind of reminded me of...” I trail off, the will to continue dying as I stopped. I finally just went back to checking his passport.
“... You don’t have to tell me. I think I understand. I wish I could understand it better. I’m not gonna lie, I don’t know what you’re going through. But, I had one friend who has the same look as you do. Tired, angry, and wanting nothing more than to blame the world. You don’t need to tell me,” he comforts. I look up at him, a small form of a relieved feeling inside me. I smirk.
“... You’re nice. It says your name is... Canadian Bacon?” I ask. Canadian Bacon? That’s a fucking name?! What the fuck horse land!? Canadian chuckles.
“Yep, it’s a pretty strange name. I asked my folks how they came up with it, and they had no clue apparently,” he responds. I call fucking bullshit, but for now, I’ll allow it to slide. Canadian suddenly perks up. “Oh! I almost forgot!” He reaches behind himself and pulls out a card. A business card. “You should come over to my sister’s bar at downtown Manehatten! It’s got the best stuff around!” He says proudly. Chuckling, I take the card.
“Alright, I’ll try to get there,” I promise. I hand him his green stamped passport. With a friendly wave, he walks out. I smirk. Nice guy. I turn to the mic. “Next!” I say.
Suddenly, the alarms went off, and the shudder flew down. I quickly grab my crossbow and ran outside. Was that dude faking!? I look around wildly before seeing a crowd of guards chasing a pony. Canadian Bacon stands a few feet away, surprise clear on his face. I charge past him to see the pony that’s apparently causing a big problem. I level my weapon at the terroristic creature. “Stay back!” I yell. The pony keeps charging, and I see something strapped under his barrel. Oh shit. I fired a shot, which hits him between his eyes. He collapses, rolling for a couple feet before stopping near us. I turn to Canadian Bacon and start backing him up. “We need to go!” I yell. Canadian looks up at me, his face full of fear. He looks over and his eyes widen in surprise. I understood immediately and swiveled around with my crossbow. I see a razor coming towards me, thus I let go of the crossbow with my left hand to block the blade. I feel the blade Impale my hand. Shit. I use my other hand to aim my weapon at the attacker. After a thunk was heard, the terrorist fell down. A pool of blood forms around my feet. I let go of the crossbow and look at my hand. It hurts like a bitch. Canadian starts to come forward to help me, but an explosion knocks us both over. I black out.
Two Days Later...
I stand by Bacon’s bed with his sister. She barely resembles Bacon. Instead of brown feathers, she has purple. Her eyes are lime, and doesn’t have red accents or crests. We ran into each other a couple minutes ago. She bitched at me for being in the way, and I bitched at her for yelling at me. Then, a nurse came in and bitched at us for being loud. I hold a ‘Get Well’ balloon I stole from another patient. What? I sure as hell ain’t buying a fucking balloon. I’m American bitch, we take shit and say we legally own it because we said it first. I sigh internally. Not the best time for that shit. Bacon’s sister sighs after we sit in silence for a couple minutes. She turns to me. “Why are you here?” She asks.
“Well, I was the passport inspector that tried to take down two numb nuts. As you can see, one of them died with a bang and it dealt side effects,” I say. I look at Bacon. “This guy is the third creature I’ve met that has asked me how my day was. The first creature is tolerable, and the second is a nice friend,” I continue. I look at the sister. “If this is a pattern, I’ll have to do something for this guy.” The sister looks offended.
“Canad isn’t-“
“Canad? What kind of fucking name is Canad?” I ask seriously.
“Shut up. Canad isn’t the type of griffon to do that!” She continues. I smirk.
“How much you wanna bet?” I ask. The sister takes out ten bits and places them on the table next to Bacon’s bed.
“Ten.” Her confidence is her downfall, I can say that right now. “I know Canad would never ask you for anything Mr... Buck, I don’t know your name,” she finishes.
“It’s Anon, but most just call me, ‘That-asshole-who-stamps-papers.’ Now, what’s your name?” I ask. The griffon smirks.
“My name’s Whiskey May.” I only stare at her. “... What? Don’t like my-“
“Where the hell can I find your bar, I need to have a long night of drinking after all this,” I quickly say. Whiskey chuckles.
“Easy monkey, I’m not sure how well you’d be able to handle my liqu-“ I pull out twenty bits and put them on the table.
“Twenty says I can down ten shots in a row.”
“... Deal,” she says. She takes a claw, spits in it and offers a handshake. I take my hand, spit in it, and shake her claw.
“... Mr Inspector?” Canadian asks. I perk up at hearing him and look at his face. For a guy who took an explosion, he’s looking good. By good, I mean his wings are fucked, his legs might work, and he might be blind in the left eye if his bandages are any indication. “What’re you doing here?” He asks. I shrugged.
“Felt bad and shit.”
“Why?” He asks. Whiskey and I sigh. First thing he asks after waking up, is why I feel bad. Now I know why his name is Canadian Bacon.
“I should have figured there would be two terrorists.”
“... Didn’t your hand get stabbed?” He suddenly asks. Whiskey’s eyes widen and looks at my hands. I look at the hand that was stabbed, seeing a scar. When I asked the doctors about it, they literally shrugged and magically healed it. When I asked why they didn’t do it earlier, they told me it wasn’t serious. I call bullshit.
“Huh? Oh yeah. Magic,” I explain unenthusiastically. Bacon laughs at the explanation.
“Consarn ponies eh Mr Inspector?” He asks. I nodded, smirking.
“Yep.”
“... What’s your real name Mr Inspector?” Bacon asks.
“Name’s Anon. Your sister came in a few minutes ago and started yelling at me,” I say nonchalantly.
“Yeah, that sounds about right. Oh! By the way-“
“No,” Whiskey says instantly. I quirk an eyebrow as I watch two siblings argue.
“Aw, but you don’t-“
“I know precisely what you’re going to ask. You’re going to ask if I’ve got laid yet,” she says with an unamused expression. Bacon puts on an offender look while I start laughing.
“I would never ask that! I would ask if you’ve snagged a nice guy yet,” he protests.
I sigh as I look at the time an hour later. I have to go soon. I look at Whiskey and Bacon still arguing over something silly, though more than anything else, it’s friendly banter. I turn to leave, only for a voice to stop me.
“Hey, Anon?” Bacon asks. I turn around with a quirked eyebrow.
“Yeah?”
“I know my family would be rearing to see me... and I know that it might go against your rules, but-“
“Dammit!” Whiskey says suddenly. She grumpily grabs the ten bits on the table and shoves them to me. I chuckle.
“Forfeit,” I say simply before grabbing the twenty bits on the table and handing them to her. She looks up at me in surprise before slowly taking the bits. Bacon only chuckles in response.
“... Anyway, I know this might break some rules, but... Can you make sure my family comes to see me from the Checkpoint?” He asks. I stare at him for a moment before nodding.
“Will do Bacon, I owe you one,” I say before walking out. As I walk down the stairs, I hear the flap of wings behind me.
“Hey, the-asshole-who-stamps-papers,” I hear whiskey say. I look behind myself to see Whiskey hovering with her wings. “I forfeit,” she says, tossing a bag of bits. I grab it in midair. I look at it before smirking.
“Thanks.”
“... You’ll keep Bacon’s promise right?” She asks. I look up at her to see her giving me pleading eyes. I nod.
“I’m a man of my word. I’ll make sure his family gets here...”
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And some say his small heart grew three sizes that day......then shrunk 4 sizes to make room for more beer.
I am going to guess that candance is not going to let through next time. She did basically kidnap him for following her law
Canadian bacon is the MVP of this story.
Everyone likes stereotypical Canadians, even assholes like Anon
Hmmm, Who should he meet next? ..... Maybe Cadence again? She could always be sent over the border to grab Shining or something. Or maybe Chrissie with Anon pointing out all the flaws in her disguise and stuff with enough ferocity to cow her like a child shouted on by her parents or something. Or just.. Idunno come up with silly stuff. Silly stuff is always great.
9201250
Heheheh.
Keep in mind, people from the Crystal Empire have to pass the border too.
...
Cadance basically just kidnapped this guy, and forced him to walk home. Dude's been travelling for over a day, and hasn't even reached Canterlot yet. During this time, he's been unable to do his job. Even a stand-in would only mitigate some of the damage, and there's likely to be a lot. The fallout from her little outburst will probably have severe repercussions. Celestia and Luna are going to be pissed.
Cadance done bucked up, and baaad.
-Ru
This story makes me smile,
makes me laugh,
and makes me grin maniacally.
I look forward to reading more.
-Ru
I fucking LOVE how you're putting the Royals' eccentricities on a platter here! I need more!
awwww.......
cute story after the funny bits!
.
PRAISE THE LORD THERE IS AN OOF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is "Canadian Bacon" a reference to something? It sounds familiar, but I can't place it. Other than it sounding like a polite, red and white pig. Perhaps doused in maple syrup. Mmmm, syrup...
But seriously, is it a reference or is he just called that because he's nice?
(Just read one of the other chapters, he actually works at a syrup factory. You have got to be shitting me. Ohhh Canadaaaa~)
Oh. Now I know.
Dr. House was basically the same. Total dick,
but too good at his job to fire 
either "simplest"
or "most simple"
Aww that's sweet anon. Yeah Cadence just fucked herself for kidnapping Anon and not bring him back.
I love that Celestia’s frustration with the childish stupidity of nearly everyone boiled over into her letter.
9203230
Not to mention the kidnapee is a royal official and close personal friend of Celestia and sorta friend of Luna. Plus, Cadence did it for payback for enforcing her own law.
9226732
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HoBa2SyvtpE
9675151
CEASE THYSELF
Another bomb? Holy shit it IS a weekly thing.
Anon is the king of malicious compliance
I figured Anon would be given a charm or something that cancels (read: multiplies by zero) any teleportation or levitation spells cast on him, so magic-users can't interfere with his job. Common sense in a world where a magic-user can just teleport him away from his post and there's not a damn thing he can do about it, allowing a whole group of terrorists to just rush through the checkpoint.
Canadian Bacon forever!
10159911
given how like 40% of HIE head canon says humans are resistant/immune to magic. i doubt anon would need it.
10189247
Eyup. He just don't give a shit.