Chapter 4: Fricken Kids
I continue to stare at the excited kid. Now that I think about it, why is he acting like this is news? “I’m finally gonna see Dad again! I’m finally gonna see my dad again!” He says excitedly. Okay, what the fuck?
“Kid, your dad’s been in the hospital for the past few weeks. Didn’t you know that?” I ask. The kid stops and looks at me in confusion.
“Hospital?” He asks.
“Yeah, because of the attack,” I say. He gasps.
“He was attacked?” He asks. Oh shit. Why doesn’t the kid know anything?
“... Yeah, I’ll let your dad tell you what happened when we get to him. In the mean time, where’s your mom?” I ask. The kid chuckles nervously.
“Weeellll, I kinda ran away...” I only stare at him for a minute before face palming.
“Do you have a passport?” I ask. He tilts his head.
“What’s a-“ I clasp his beak shut with my hand. If he asks what it is, I might just hurt him. I don’t care if he’s a child, but that question has pissed me off so much in the past. I will lose it if I hear it one more goddamn time.
“Right, I guess I’ll have to act as a legal guardian. As for passports, I-“ I freeze mid sentence. I rummage through my pockets.
Fuck. No passport. I sigh, rubbing my temples. Maybe I can bullshit my way in. I turn to the kid. “Alright, what’s your name kid?”
“My name’s Maple!” He says. I can’t decide if I should laugh at him or cry for him. I merely pat his head.
“Alright Maple, let’s get you to your father.”
We finally arrive at Canterlot’s Equestrian Checkpoint. Stepping off the crystal train, I look around to see the train station. The train station consists of the platform I stand on, which is wide enough to match the train’s length. The floor is concrete, white and spotless. Various concrete columns hold up the roof of the area. Near the entrance of the station, is a ticket booth. The station has a few lamps around, magically lit to illuminate the place. Various benches sit near the edges of the platform. A sign is dangling from the ceiling, which reads, ‘Welcome To Equestria’ in curvy letters. The station is pretty close to empty. There are only a few creatures here, trying to board the train to go somewhere else. I keep Maple in front of me as we walk around. I notice a sign that points towards Canterlot.
“Woah,” I hear Maple say. I look to see that he’s staring at the magically lit lamps. “I’ve never seen this much magic before,” he comments. I smirk.
“There’s gonna be a lot more buddy,” I reply. I tug Maple along, making sure he doesn’t run off and get lost. We pass the booth and step out of the shade of the train station. I look at the sky to see the sun starting to get low. I keep Maple in proximity with me as we hurry our way to the beginning of the line to Canterlot.
Canterlot sits on a mountain, sure, but at the foot of the mountain, there is a Border Checkpoint. The Canterlot Checkpoint. I asked why this one was called the Canterlot Checkpoint, and the princesses said that ‘Canterlot was apparently too special for the nobles to call the Checkpoint an Equestrian Border Checkpoint.’ I believe it. The nobles are so far up their own asses, it’s a miracle they can breathe the unrefined air of ‘Everywhere else’. Anyway, the giant stone walls I was expecting to see was not what turns up. The border near Canterlot is guarded by neon purple fences made of beams of magic. How the hell did I not notice this before? I look to see a long line forming in front of a small building next to the magical fence. The line is long, many creatures of all kinds are waiting to enter the land of Equestria. There are griffons, Minotaurs, Ponies, hippogriffs, dragons, and one human. Many of these creatures have aspirations, hopes, and dreams... except me, I just want to go home and take a nap. Fuck having dreams when your job is yelling at people. I wait patiently with the kid next to me. I feel a poke from behind me and turn to see a pegasus. I quirk an eyebrow. “Is... is that your child?” She asks. I shake my head.
“Nah, a friend of mine has been stuck in Equestria, so I’m taking his kid to visit him,” I say. The pegasus gives me a look of confusion.
“Why you?” She asks. I scoff.
“That’s what I’ve been asking,” I reply. The line continuously moves, albeit slowly. I don’t really know how Canterlot’s Checkpoint works, but it should be similar. I just hope we make it to the Checkpoint before it closes. I keep hearing conversations between many of the entrants.
“I heard Equestria’s Checkpoint Inspector can be mean...”
“Are the rumors true.... Human...?”
“I don’t know...”
When a creature comes to the Checkpoint with a little kid, they can enter the booth either one at a time, or together. I personally like it better when they’re together. So, when it is our turn, I step into the booth with Maple in tow. I enter a small room that has a couple chairs. The air smells like roses and shit. Wait, there’s a fucking complimentary chocolate dispenser!? Where the hell is this shit in my Checkpoint!? The walls are white and the floor is carpeted with a royal purple. The passport inspector is behind a glass window with a hole to put in passports. Why the fuck is this place so much nicer than my place!? It doesn’t smell like someone shit in the corner for funsies! No joke, someone actually did that. That pony had to be tazed by the guards. Anyway, I look at the passport inspector to see he’s a blue unicorn with a lime curly mane. To say that his hair should burn is an understatement.
“Hello! Welcome to Equestria, papers please!” He says happily, though he hasn’t looked up yet. Alright, here it goes.
“Yo, my name’s Anon, and I kinda-“ the unicorn looks up to look at me. He gasps.
“Anonymous the human!?” He yells in shock. Maple and I exchanged confused glances. “What are you doing here!?” He asks.
“... Bringing a kid to his dad.”
“No, I mean, Manehatten’s Checkpoint was closed this morning! The substitute had to be called in at one in the afternoon! What happened to you?” He asks.
“... I’m gone for one day and everyone’s gone crazy? I didn’t know I was that special,” I say sarcastically.
“Oh no, your boss called the princesses. She said that she didn’t know what to do! The substitute couldn’t be called at first, and she couldn’t open the border if no one regulates the incoming creatures. The princesses told us the situation and asked around to see if anyone would go to Manehatten until we found either you or the sub. Thankfully, the sub was contacted by Luna. He was apparently trying to enjoy Neighagra Falls with his wife,” the inspector explains. I nod with a grimace.
“Alright. Does that mean I don’t need my passport?” I ask hopefully. The unicorn freezes and chuckles nervously. “... Of fu-“ I cut myself off, remembering the kid’s presence. “... Of course,” I say sarcastically. Maple simply stares at us in confusion.
“So, do we go in, or do we stay out?” He asks. The unicorn sighs.
“I’m sorry, but I’ve already got fifty citations,” he says depressingly. Wait.
“FIFTY!?!?” I scream in pure shock. Maple and the unicorn jump back in surprise from my outburst. “HOW THE HELL DO YOU HAVE FIFTY!?!?” I ask. The pony quickly tries to calm me down.
“Shush! Shush! It’s not that-“
“I barely get any on a day to day basis! How have you gotten this many!? Are you friggen’ blind!?”
“W-well, inspecting passports isn’t my special talent. My talent is just reading quickly,” he explains.
“Okay, but you still friggen’ read!” I point out. “Tell me how you don’t comprehend-“
“Alright fine! I notice the mistakes, but everyone makes common mistakes! I can’t blame Minotaurs for their ignorance to passports! The ponies might just want to return home!” He protests. I pinch the bridge of my nose to stop myself from lunging at him for his stupidity.
“Now, how many of them lied to you and had a bomb?” I ask. The unicorn freezes and sighs.
“Look, I know I’m not the best at my job. I’m not as good as you probably are. But, I’m gonna have to deny you,” he says. I shake my head.
“There’re times where if you look at someone’s eyes, you’ll see if they’re telling the truth. Look at my eyes,” I order. He slowly looks at me in the eyes. “This is the look of someone telling the truth,” I explain. I turn to the entrance and walk out with Maple in tow.
I sigh as I sat against the wall of the Canterlot Border Checkpoint. Maple joins me as he sits next to me. “Will we ever be able to see Dad?” He asks. I chuckle and pat his head.
“We will kiddo, we will,” I reassure. I have a feeling someone’s gonna come up to get us. Though, with the Checkpoint already closing, I doubt we’ll be moving any time soon. We can probably enter in the morning. Soon, Maple lays beside me, shivering in the cold winds. I take off my coat and give it to Maple. While he covers himself, I feel the wind starting to make my arms cold. My soft spot for kids will be the end of me one day...
Meanwhile...
The Throne room in Canterlot Castle is heating up. Literally. Cadance sits before Celestia, wondering why she was called here. Celestia’s piercing glare only confuses and frightens Cadence even more. “So, I have been investigating recently...” Celestia starts. “I heard that the Border Checkpoint in Manehatten has had a terrible hold up today. The Checkpoint that Anon works at.” Cadence’s fear dissolves while confusion remains.
“... Um, okay?” She says. “Do you need me to talk to-“
“He has been missing for the last twenty four hours. He was last seen being teleported with a flash of blue light. I had heard Shining Armor’s complaints earlier that day.” Celestia looms over Cadence. Cadence nervously gulps in fear. “I just want confirmation, face to face, that you had absolutely nothing to do with that, despite my many warnings and advices.” Cadence nervously laughs.
“Um, well, I kind of... teleported him to my throne room,” she admits. Celestia’s glare only deepens.
“And you sent him back. Right?” Celestia asks, squinting her eyes.
“... I figured that what he did wasn’t fair and-“
“Answer. The. Question,” Celestia demands impatiently. Cadence gulps again.
“I... made him walk home on his own...” She admits. Celestia’s face does not contort to rage, fury, or anger. She slowly facehooves, trying not to show any negative emotions.
“Alright. You managed to foalnap a legal citizen and force that same citizen to go home on his own. Tell me, do you remember that the Crystal Empire is still a separate country from Equestria?” Celestia asks. Cadence’s face still resembles fear, but a form of confusion rises up again. “He will have to have his passport to be able to enter Equestria.” Cadence’s eye’s slowly grow wide. “So, thanks to your little tantrum, you managed to trap a citizen in your country. You also managed to disrupt an entire day of work for me, Luna, and a long list of ponies and other creatures. Oh, and let’s not forget the representatives that come through Manehatten.”
“...”
“Oh, and the law you made? It apparently changed the pass/deny ratio dramatically. Now, the denied stamp is used ten times more than the accept stamp. The other countries are now suspecting us of racism!” Celestia exclaims. Cadence’s ears fold back.
“W-why?” She asks. Celestia sighs.
“Ponies tend to be a bit more mild tempered and peaceful. Ponies are the smallest percentage of substance abusers worldwide,” Celestia explains. “That also includes alcohol, drugs, smoking, etcetera.”
“O-oh. I-I didn’t-“
“Stop,” Celestia says. Cadence freezes upon hearing the words. Celestia sighs, her drowsiness becoming clear. “I know you didn’t know. I know you didn’t think this would happen. I realize that Anon is annoying enough to make you throw him off a cliff. I feel that too sometimes,” she admits with a chuckle. “But, you need to realize that you’re just going to have to let it go. I know Anon is vulgar and prideful. Faust knows I’ve put him in an anger management class before.”
“Really?” Cadence asks. Celestia giggles.
“I admit, it was quite amusing to see him act like he was in Tartarus. He never stopped cursing while he was there. He made sure to cuss in every single sentence he said. Thanks to him, I’ve learned a few a phrases. Also thanks to him, Luna uses a few phrases.” Cadence reels back in shock.
“A-auntie Luna?! No, she wouldn’t-“ The door off to the side practically blasts open. An angry Luna steps out.
“To whomst the fuck foalnapped our ally Anonymous!?” She yells. Celestia merely looks at Luna in unamusement.
“Language sister-“
“We are not about to idly stand by with hooves up our asses while Anonymous is in danger!” Luna responds. Cadence’s jaw could not go any lower. Celestia sighs. Luckily, a guard opens the door.
“Princesses! I brought news from the Canterlot Checkpoint!” He states. Luna rushes up and shakes him violently.
“Spit out the tales thou hath for us quickly! We art in haste for the recovery of our drinking ally!” She practically yells. The guard slowly collects himself and speaks.
“The Checkpoint Inspector of Canterlot found the Checkpoint Inspector of Manehatten!” He states with a salute. Luna instantly vanishes. Celestia sighs.
“Ever since Anon offered to go to a bar with Luna, she has acted like Nightmare Night is coming,” she explains. Cadence quickly looks at Celestia.
“Don’t tell her what I did!” she begs. Celestia giggles.
“Don’t worry, I won’t. I don’t think you would survive her fury.”
Meanwhile...
I look up when I hear Luna’s voice. “We require to see Anon!” Maple, sitting beside me, looks up at the sound of Luna. I look up to see that it’s about nighttime, the moon halfway through the sky. The stars are bright, and the moon is actually crooked. I pat Maple’s head and get up. Maple blinks the sleep out of his eyes and yawns.
“Sounds like our ride’s here kiddo,” I say. Maple gives me a look of confusion. I walk over to the entrance of the Checkpoint. “Yo, Luna!” I yell. The door bursts open and a blue mass of fluff flies at me. I fall to the ground as I get hugged by the princess.
“Anon! We have found our drinking companion yet again!” She says gleefully.
“Oh wow! Princess Luna!” Maple says in amazement. Luna’s eyes open wide and hastily gets up. She collects herself before looking at Maple, who’s still staring with wide eyes.
“Greetings little one,” Luna says with formality.
“Wow...” Maple says again. I slowly get up, trying to make sure my bones are fine. Damn alicorn strength.
“Maple, this is Princess Luna. Apparently, I’m her best friend now,” I say. Luna huffs and looks at me with a glare.
“We are not ‘best friends’. We are drinking companions!” Luna says, jabbing a hoof in the air to punctuate her statement.
“... What are drinking companions?” Maple asks. Luna’s pupils turn to pinpricks, and I smirked.
“Ask your dad later. Now, Luna, could you do me a solid?” I ask. Luna tilts her head.
“A solid what?” She asks.
“No, a solid is when you’re asking for a favor,” I explain. I reach over and pat Maple. “This kiddo needs to get to his dad. I made a promise to his dad that I’d make sure his family can see him. I intend to hold up that promise.”
“... Alright, I shall allow it. Shall we teleport to your housing?” Luna asks. I shrug.
“Sure, why not?”
We appear in my living room. The front door is on the floor. Again. God fucking dammit. “... Is your door always on the floor?” Luna asks. I sadly nod. Goddammit Applejack. I look up at a clock to see it’s almost midnight. Shit.
“Well, it seems that we might be too late to visit. We’ll have to wait until the morning,” I say. Luna sighs.
“Well, I am just glad that thou are fine,” she says. I smirk.
“Daw, someone getting feelings?” I ask. Luna visibly gags.
“No! We only wish to spill our troubles over a pint of-“ she stops, remembering Maple’s still here. “... milk,” she finishes. Maple shrugs and looks around.
“Wow! Everything’s big!” He comments. As he runs off, I pray to God he doesn’t knock something over. Luna chuckles.
“You seem to be fine with foals, how is that possible?” She asks. I shrug.
“Soft spot for kids. I dunno how to take care of kids correctly, but damn if I don’t try,” I explain. Luna giggles.
“I understand. I wish thee goodnight Anon,” she says. I give a half assed salute. She teleports out, and I hear the kid open the fridge. I walk to the kitchen to see the kid trying to reach for the orange juice at the top shelf. I smirk and walk over.
“Kiddo, If ya want juice, just ask for it,” I say. I pull out the juice and set it on the counter while Maple sits down. I look through the cabinets and find a nice plastic cup for him to use. I keep plastic cups due to the fact that I don’t normally have time to wash glassware. Keep in mind, I get up at three to four in the morning to get ready. My job lasts over twelve hours. Sometimes I’ll have to do overtime, and sometimes I’d get let off early. Thus, I’d come home around six to seven, and I’d be too tired to do much. In any case, I pour Maple a cup of orange juice and hand it to him. He grabs the cup with one claw and walks with the other three appendages.
“Thank you,” he says politely. I smile. A sudden thought comes to mind. How long has he been running away? The realization of never asking such a simple question hits me. I look at the young griffon, concern on my face.
“Your welcome kid. Now, I’m gonna ask you something, and you have to answer me honestly, okay?”
“Okay!” Maple says.
“... How long have you been away from home?” I ask.
“... Two or three days...” he says sadly. My eyes widen in shock. Two or three days!?
“... Have you eaten anything?” I ask.
“Um, I ate some stuff...” he mutters, taking a sip of his juice. I sigh. This kid. This friggen’ kid. I get up, and walk to the kitchen. I grab a blueberry muffin and an apple. I walk back to the living room and sat beside the confused Maple.
“Here, this is a blueberry muffin. I don’t have particularly much right now, but in a minute, I’ll see if I can make you some breakfast. Okay?”
“... O-okay,” Maple answers, taking the muffin gratefully. I keep an eye on Maple as I eat the apple, watching to see any reaction from him. So far, he looks like he’s realizing something. I can see his eyes threatening to spill salty tears, but Maple tries to keep on a brave face. I finish up my apple in a few minutes, and Maple kept enjoying the muffin and juice. I get up again and head to the kitchen. I open my fridge and look in. Okay, I immediately see that we have eggs and cheese. Since I’ve got some bread somewhere, I’ll make him a egg and cheese sandwich. The thought of the kid starving for a couple days sends a chill up my spine. Poor guy. All alone. I sigh and walk over to the stove to start heating it up.
I bring out an egg and cheese sandwich. It’s currently one in the fucking morning. Why the fuck am I doing all this extra shit? I walk into the living room to see a crying Maple. I sigh and set down the sandwich. I sit next to Maple and he instantly cries into my side. I grimace and pat his head. Okay, I can yell at rulers. I can take a stab to the hand. I can take someone bitch slapping me. But a crying child? No matter how hard I could try to ignore it, I’d always feel like shit. I try to soothe Maple, gently petting his head. “I miss Dad! I miss his pancakes! I miss his hugs! I miss h-his lullabies! I-I-“ I try my best to ignore the pancakes part. I gently sway as a way of rocking the kid while he cries his heart out. I silently pet him, patiently waiting for him to finish letting lose all of the pent up emotions he had.
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Oh, Candace.
You are in so much trouble.
bitch slap Cadence and give the kid a friggin teddy bear
Please keep them coming
I like this, I like this side of Anon, and I hope this story has a long run :)
The kid was good written. Especially the breakdown at the end.
Do you mean homst'd've'ly'yaint'nt'ed'ies's'y'es the fuck.
Cadance is sooo lucky Celestia's not telling Luna.
-Ru
9209529
A teddyursa?
Well ya done good with this chapter, and it was hard to top those others, but somehow you did.
Oh no... I can feel it trying to get me to hop on...
i.imgur.com/eqCYFKlg.jpg
daww... that ending though! maybe anon is not as heartless as he seems
"Chedkpoint" I see a discrepancy.
9235722
Check again
I got an ad for Maple Story at the end of this chapter
9289475
Shit! He knows!
*throws a Facebook scanner out the window*
Yeah shut the fuck up Luna you did that on purpose hahhaa
Lol, the princesses and Anon are probably among the only beings in their world with an adult perspective. Seeing Luna demonstrate that around Maple was wonderful!
To whomst the fuck [...?!]
This is my new favorite expression.
Ahh humans, they cant help but have some sort of weakness for the feels.
Also, the princess of love just got told!!
Gold.
Also, see? I called it. He cares.
"Always try to be nice, but never fail to be kind."
9758719
When you meant to create a decently likable character, but actually made a damn near Grand-Tier Role Model
StOnKs
On a serious note, thanks for these words. I’ve been really struggling on trying to stay focused on PPA recently. I’m trying not to rush, but at the same time, I want to make sure that I don’t accidentally drop it like a dead story.
This needs to be a fucking animated series, every brony on the planet would watch this.
This is a lovely chapter
An "Incorrect quote" comes to mind:
Luna: Who the fuck-
Celestia: Language!
Lune: *Ahem* Whom, the fuck-
9758719
Doctor who quote :3
whomst the fuck
Oh gods, this line never ever fails to make me laugh.
Very good chapter. Well done
So im reading through this again, and I forgot that Anon was a legit good guy. god, i miss this series.
Anon says he isn't good at caring for kids. I see he is very good at it. Maybe not comfortable doing it, but certainly good at it.
Excuse my grammar but
THIS IS THE GREATEST ANON STORY THAT I EVER READ!✨
Now this is golden!
No one quoted this gem yet.
Amazing.
I burst out laughing at this