The Young Universe Jumper

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Rainbow Dash

Rainbow Dash #1 · Jan 28th, 2014 · · · ACT I CH 1: It begins... again ·

to people who remember the old opening of this story, tell me what you think of the remastered version! Also this is one of the few human in Equestria stories, that i've seen, that actually start off in Equestria, i tired to spice it up a little i guess, i dunno. anyways feedback is always appreciated and have yourselves a wonderful day!

Knowledge seeker

Knowledge seeker #2 · Jan 30th, 2014 · 2 · · ACT I CH 1: It begins... again ·

Yay, updates make me a happy Seeker of the Knowledge.

There is a lot that has changed from the beginning of the previous version. Once again though I find myself wanting to know more. So please as a merciful author give me the sustenance I require to function.

Now if you excuse me I have to kiss this sexy beast from the past.

Rainbow Dash

Rainbow Dash #3 · Jan 30th, 2014 · · · ACT I CH 1: It begins... again ·

3867354 I will only update if i can watch

DezzarTac

DezzarTac #4 · Apr 13th, 2014 · 1 · · ACT I CH 1: It begins... again ·

First off

the ten beings of white

that's racist in an hilarious way.
Second

I thought so to

that 'to' should have two 'o's "too".
Third

"I-I swear that I will strive to protect the innocent and I will slay the evil."

so cliche, he should've been more "do you realize how cliche that is?" Unless you want to depict him as the naive sort.
Forth

"comes great responsibility." I replied before I passed out...

"I replied in a bemused manner before I passed out..." honestly, no one would -honestly- say those words seriously.
Fifth, and holy crap I didn't think I'd reach this number,

Glados or rather glados two

how original.
6

"Three hours and seven minuets remaining till completion, Mark."

robots always use proper, complete English. Therefore it should say "until" also, no slang.
....I need to make up 7.....hmmm...uhh... got it, are you kidding me? Right off the bat he has all that shit? Give us some backstory man, give us history. I wanna know when they got here, how it went down, what was happening before the portal opened, and how they carry all that shit around!
Alright, I'm empty. I'mma go play Killing Floor now.

Rainbow Dash

Rainbow Dash #5 · Apr 13th, 2014 · · · ACT I CH 1: It begins... again ·

4227037 If you read the author notes i said i wanted to try something new and start off the main characters in Equestria, seeing as how i personally don't see that a lot in stories. Second the back story for how and why he got his powers is hidden for a reason. I could explain have explained more about them first coming to Equestria, that is true, but I want to explain that in a future chapter possibly.

the part about the cliche thing you were right about, i wanted to portray the younger Mark Johnson as a naive guy just starting out with his new powers. Also i missed that "till completion" part, thanks for showing me that.

if you really want to nit pick and bash on my robot choice, that was from the original story and if i remember correctly you were one of my original readers and you had no problem with it a year and a half ago when i was just starting out as a writer. fourth

honestly, no one would -honestly- say those words seriously.

how do you know exactly? you have no idea how much pressure this character was under and if i were to add the bemused part that would take away from the feeling that this character is quite frightened by these "beings of white" (in my opinion). how do you go from scared to bemused in an instant? (also the beings of white thing wasn't intended to be racist and i never really saw it as that way.)

point is alot of stuff will be explained in future chapters, you can't just start bashing on me on the very FIRST CHAPTER OF THE RE-EDITED STORY. that's bull and you know it. at least allow me a few chapters to explain some stuff.

DezzarTac

DezzarTac #6 · Apr 13th, 2014 · · · ACT I CH 1: It begins... again ·

4227947
"nit pick" Just in that mood
"that's bull and you know it" *le gasp* You knew I knew!
I know I know, I'm being an asshole. I'm sorry. Trust me though, there are far worse stories than your first chapter. I've read hundreds of stories; your chapter just has a few....fanfic syndrome issues, extremely common....like the common cold.