Consulting
Spike wetted his claw under the sink and brought it through the spines on the top of his head. He examined his own image in the mirror and nodded in approval, taking just a moment to straighten his tie before leaping off the stepstool and charging out of the bathroom.
Rounding a corner in the office building, he kicked open the door to a meeting room and strolled in like he owned the place.
A dozen pairs of eyes tracked him as he clambered onto a rolling chair and pounded his fists once on the mahogany meeting table.
“One word: synergy!” Spike declared, staring down the businessponies. “I have thoroughly reviewed your organization’s metrics, and the reason why you haven’t been performing is that you haven’t synergized your organizational strategy.”
There was some quiet murmuring amongst the group’s members as they considered this.
“You need a complete organizational overhaul to optimize your goal-realization scheduling, so you better pay attention!”
“H-hold on,” a pony called from the back. “These are all meaningless buzzwords! What about giving us some actual, concrete ste-”
“You!” Spike held out a claw accusingly at the interloper. “What is your title!?”
The pony blinked. “I’m the Vice President of Supply Chain for the Northea-”
“Not anymore! Now you are the Ultra-Visionary-Chief for Dynamic Product Assignment!”
Some impressed murmurs arose from around the table.
“Come on!” the newly minted head of ‘Dynamic Product Assignment’ protested. “You guys can’t seriously believe this, can you? There’s no way we can fix our numbers just by saying the word ‘synergy’ and changing our titles!”
“Oh yeah?” Spike replied, narrowing his eyes. He reached forward to grab the conference-call system and pulled it toward himself, quickly typing in a few numbers. He stood on his chair with his arms crossed as the phone rang several times, staring daggers at the pony who dared to challenge him.
“Yo, this is Dash,” a raspy voice answered.
“Dash, it’s Spike.”
“Hey, what’s up my Drake!?”
Spike narrowed his eyes and looked around the room. “She has earned the right to call me that. That is our word and I better not hear it from any one of you.” He turned his attention back to the call. “Dash, I’m here with some businessponies, and also this one total egghead. Please tell us what you do for a living.”
“I’m a Wonderbolt.”
Another round of exciting murmuring arose from those seated. Spike put up a claw to silence them.
“And could you please tell us what the most important factor in success is?”
“Phh, that’s easy! It’s speed, and like, fastness!”
“And what about the second most important factor?”
“Synergy, duh!”
“Thank you Dash, I’ll see you for drinks on Friday.”
“You know it!”
Spike smacked the large, red, ‘end call button’. “Speed, fastness, and synergy. Any further questions?”
“Yeah, what the heck does a professional athlete know about inventory management?” asked Spike’s challenger.
Spike craned his neck around the table. “Who is the Sentinel of Righteousness here?”
There was a long pause.
Spike rolled his eyes. “The ‘CEO’, in the speak of the uninspired company.”
“Oh, uh, that’s me,” a mare raised her hoof.
Spike pointed to the angsty operations manager. “That. That right there is your company’s biggest problem.”
“Close-mindedness and a reluctance to incorporate new ideas?”
“No, just that pony. Fire him immediately.”
After another thirty minutes of talking but saying nothing of substance, Spike re-enumerated his points.
“So, to conclude, remember: we work in goal-oriented task societies, not teams; always reinforce positive thinking with dream-promotion; and remember to network only with a view to future innovativity.”
The entire room of businessponies, minus one now-defunct member of the senior goal-oriented task society, burst into applause.
“You’ve saved our fiscal year!” one pony called.
“Thank you, thank you,” Spike said, waving them off. “Now, for one hour of consultation with travel reimbursement to and from Manehattan, plus a professional consultation from Ms. Dash, your total comes to 8400 bits.”
There was an awkward silence, until the Glorious Field Marshal of HR cleared her throat. “But, uh, when we booked you, we were told you would be consulting free of charge.”
Spike pursed his lips. “...What.”
“W-we explained that we are a non-profit, and your secretary Ms. Glimmer informed us that you’d be consulting for free.”
Spike narrowed his eyes and bared his fangs. “Starlight…” he muttered angrily. “Well, I’m afraid that there has been a misunderstanding. I am happy to cut the fee in half for you all.”
“I-I’m sorry,” quivered the response. “But we just don’t have that kind of money. We’re a charitable organization that directs medical supplies to underserved communities, not a hedge fund.”
Spike was about to threaten a lawsuit before he paused and thought about what was said. “...A hedge fund, you say?”
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I have on good authority that Spike's personal money vault is so massive it make Scrooge McDuck's Money Bin look like small check on minimal wage.
Spike is good at cleaning things up. How good is he at dumping bodies? Someone has to get rid of them, legally or otherwise.
I'm sure the other side of Spike is he'd torch everyone who'd cross him wrong. And, he'd miss the point of earning his wings and an older Spike would be in deeper trouble legally.
Sounds like Spike will become "Gordan Gecko."
the only way spike can dump bodies is by burning them to ashes by using his flame........lol.
expect to see the currency in equestria to drop drastically and it was only mentioned several chapters later.
especially when celestia finds out who gives her sister luna the idea in the first place.
Wait, that's not how upper management works?!
I wonder how she earned that right.
Normally I would say "Don't give him ideas", but this time I'll make an exception.
Good work!
I'm curious what he will do next with his new inspiration.
I really do hope that you'll continue this as it was one of your best comedies.
This chapter reminded my of the Dilbert comic for some reason...
11259807
I love Dilbert 8)