• Member Since 15th Sep, 2014
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MagLocal


I like to read pony fiction and am interested to write some of my own, but more importantly, I'm a Christian, believing in the Savior and Lord Jesus Christ.

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Who could resist the allure of peaceful grass in their rolling fields, or the freshness of the crsip water in the rivers and the lakes, or the sight of rainbows falling down to the ground like a waterfall?

Winsome Falls is a beautiful place. Untouched by pony settlement, pure in its magnificence, astounding in its features, Winsome Falls has often been told as the perfect camping spot, the perfect field trip destination, the perfect party venue (for some parties, not for others).

Yet, one group of ponies came here not to camp with their siblings or some friends. They didn't come here to organize a field trip for a school. And, they didn't come here to hold a party.

Instead, they came here, under orders from Princess Luna herself, to look for something, to clarify.

Chapters (9)
Comments ( 6 )

Interesting and very poetic beginning. You pay very close attention to many details, painting great atmosphere of the city. Besides a scarce amount of sentence fragments that escaped you, such as this one:

Their manes flowing ethereal, both sparkling under the glimmer of the moon.

(There needs to be a ‘normal’ verb, the gerundive -ing form can’t stand in a sentence on its own.)
I can’t complain about the form, desciptions like these being my favourite. However, it is true that this form also works at the expense of the plot and possible hooking of the reader. Still, I’m curious how this will continue :twilightsmile:

8485011
Thanks for the constructive criticism.

Regarding details, that's one thing that I want to do for all (or at least most) of my stories: Immerse the reader in the world, to make him feel as if they're not just reading about Equestria, they are in Equestria (to some extent). I want to be a stickler when it comes to descriptions of the place.

About the sentence fragments, it's a thing that I find interesting—it's as if you're watching some sort of movie and that's how I view literature in general when I read it: movies that you make in your head. I believe that fragments have their place in literature and, if used correctly, can enhance rather than take away from the story by bringing the proper pace. Of course, I add the caveat "if used correctly." I'm a bit giddy about fragments, to be honest, and it might take a while for me to master using them. And, the example you pointed out looks sub-standard in hindsight. I'll go fix that right after I post this comment.

Once again, thank you for taking the time to bring in some constructive criticism. I'll take note of what you said.

I hope you enjoy the rest of the story. :)

8485373
You're welcome. I'm glad I could help :twilightsmile:

Indeed, immersing the reader in the world is a great way of piquing their interest in the story, bringing the world closer to them, so to say.

Hmm... interesting. Luna didn’t make it very clear why she chose Onion, but I believe future chapters will hold an answer to that.
If Isobar is going for the ride, it should be quite a sight. That stallion’s easy-going personality already piqued my interest :pinkiesmile:

Also, Onion has rather uncommon cutie mark design. I’m curious what it means and how he get it!

8501121
In regards to Watts Onion's cutie mark, I'll answer that from a Doylist point of view (since I believe it doesn't hold any risk of spoilers): It's a pun on the word "Watsonian." I'll assume you know what it means. :eeyup:

8501534
I see :twilightsmile:
To be honest, I expected it to be a reference to James Watt at first :twistnerd:

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